I made a complete tit of myself today and cannot stop cringing. Pat my shoulder

[Gatekeeper]

...and say "there there"

In meeting today and part of it was a discussion about personal illnesses or conditions each of us has/had. I mentioned that most of my family - female side has an underactive thyroid and that I have yearly blood tests as mine is slowly getting there. I said "Thyroid" about ten times

Only I didn't...

I said "prostate" and wondered why the rest of them were looking at me like this . I clocked what I'd said and said "No, not my prostate, my thryoid. I am actually a women, at least my husband thinks so" ending on a horrible, whinnying haw haw laugh that I haven't heard before.

Ended up doing a comedy wipe of my face, and knocked my glasses off, where they landed on the middle of the floor. I said "shite" when this happened and not quietly either.

Dear God...not one of them cracked a smile or reacted- just looked at me for a split second and then started talking about something else

CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE..I am squirming in my seat just thinking about it

[limitedperiodonly]

I have long brown hair. I was wearing a halter top and looking quite fine, I thought, and was flirting with this bloke in a bar.

It wasn't until I went to the loo that I noticed that a big tuft of head hair had worked its way under my armpit and was poking out the front looking like particularly luxuriant armpit hair.

[sOODdragon]

cross-country dogging

[weeps]

[vivazeboo]

Hahaaa, that is brilliant!!!

I remember hearing of someone's mum who had been going round for weeks telling everyone that she was going in to hospital for an autopsy...she meant biopsy!

[Bigbadgladioli]

There there.

I do this kind of thing all the time. You've made my day!

Solidarnosc

[ShadowsCollideWithPeople]

Gatekeeper, poor you. You did really make me smile though.

I just snorted with laughter at 'don't shoot the cats' I'm on the bus, so that earned me a few weird looks .

I've had so many of these moments, my most recent being today. Had an interview that was in an office area at the back of a huge shopping centre, which is just off a very busy dual carriageway. Bus doesn't go into the shopping centre but drops on the other side of the dual carriageway, at a flyover that deposits you neatly on the footpath of the roadway into the shopping centre. So all fine, got there, found recruitment agencies office, had interview, jolly good.

Bus back home picks up on same side of the carriageway as shopping centre. There is a pedestrian walkway from the huge sprawling car park to the bus stop, but of course I can't remember where it is. I do know that if you use the main road out of the centre, there is a grass verge with a well worn path along the side of the carriageway right to the bus stop. It's been a year since I've gotten this bus, so I naturally go the wrong way. So there's a mud and stone track about a foot wide with a 6 inch cement edging that I'm hobbling along in my nice interview clothes, until a point where the bushes are overgrown so I have to balance on the little cement verge swatting branches out of my face. Track clears up again, I hobble along a bit more. Until I come to a big roadsign, the kind with 2 posts. Outside post kind of impinges into the cement verge, so now it's even narrower. I grip the post and kind of fecking swing myself around it and hobble on a bit more, until the path becomes complete overgrown and there is absolutely no further I can go. All this time with a heavy flow of traffic passing by. It finally dawns on me that I have gone the wrong way. I have to retrace my steps, complete with hobbling, post-pirouetting, branch swatting and cement balancing. Make it back to the car park, trek across it, find the walkway and eventually about 40 mins later make it to the bus stop.

And as further evidence of my ineptitude, I have probably explained that so badly that no-one has a clue what I'm talking about

[neiljames77]

I'll say just one more otherwise you'll think I'm some kind of Norman Wisdom or Frank Spencer.
All my in laws were visiting our house and my wife had been asking me to change a light bulb in the kitchen for ages. I took a chair from the dining room and used it to stand on. Just as I'd fitted the new bulb, my standing foot went straight through the base of the chair. In true Benny Hill style, my testicles landed on the top of the backrest.
As I was curled up in the foetus position, retching, in agony and unable to breathe properly, everyone ran into the room to see what had happened.
My dear wife was really concerned. She said, "what have you done to my chair?"

[Pawprint]

Oh no, that is hilarious!

I once, for no particular reason that I can think of, kept calling my aunt's husband 'Drunkard' instead of his actual name of 'David'. Of course, it was an open (but shameful) secret that he was an alcoholic.

Whenever I think of it, I just start sweating with embarrassment.

[Pawprint]

Another one - I was at an interview and was asked what I hoped for the future in terms of my career. I meant to say that I hoped to travel and wanted 'spread my wings and stretch my horizons'. However, what I ACTUALLY said was 'I want to spread my legs and stretch...' At this point, I knew I had just said the most awful thing and, in an attempt to recover from the situation, started to laugh in a 'Carry On' film style and said 'If you know what I mean, arf art'

The two interviewers looked at me in horror. Didn't get the job.

[Catmint]

I really needed a cheer up today and this thread has done the job.

[IfAtFirstUDontSucceed]

I've now given myself a headache laughing at these. Keep em coming!

[saintlyjimjams]

Ha ha - you work with some miserable sods - I would have laughed loudly

[saintlyjimjams]

When I was working in Japan I was asked how I had travelled to work that day. I decided that I would use the slang for 'by bicycle' except the slang for bicycle is very similar to the word for penis.

Yes I said 'by penis' to my boss.

[NonnoMum]

I'm part of a very successful husband/wife broadcasting team and we were fortunate enough to win an award at a rather grand ceremony... which I graciously accepted, whilst my unbuttoned dark blouse revealed my rather enormous slighty off-white bra underneath...

But none of you would have heard of that incident, would you?

[ShadowsCollideWithPeople]

Oh, I've also done the 'kissing my boss' thing (on the cheek. The cheek!), accidentally called him Dad, and in my most painful, still turn puce when I think about it moment ever, accidentally smacked some poor man in the face with a packet of aspirin in the middle of Sainsburys. It's really not safe to let me out!

[AnnieLobeseder]

NonnoMum - just tried to Google that and the only hit was Milla Jovovich.

[cakesonatrain]

@ NonnoMum
I think you got away with that one, I don't remember clips of that being shown all over the telly at all...

[BobaFetaCheese]

Great thread!

My small contribution; In a job interview the guy was talking about disciplinary procedure, he said 'If you do it once, twice...'
'THREE TIMES A LADY' I have no idea why I felt the need to singshout that at him and didn't get the job.

[Lavenderhoney]

These are all very funny:) so glad I clicked on this thread:)

I was once talking to a chap at the British embassy ( work related) on the phone, and he said his name, which sounded like a bark.( ruuuffff) I got the giggles and called him mr ruff!! over and over during the course of our conversation, which he politely ignored until he said at the end of our chat " its been a pleasure talking to you, miss lavenderhoney, and I assume you are aware I am recording this conversation for future reference?"

Op, your co workers sound awful, why didn't they laugh? And/ or help you? Or offer you tea?

[RaxacoricofallapatorianCatpuss]

. Marking my place to read later...

[ErrorError]

NonnoMum If you are who I think you are, then I know who you are! Didn't your husband so graciously help to preserve your modesty?!

I am laughing like Muttley here at these!

[HotCrossBunsForAll]

NonnoMum, I remember that...

[ErrorError]

It was hilarious, the DH thought everyone was cheering him but it took a little while for him to notice it was actually Nonno's impressive bust causing the ruckus. It's on youtube . Must be 10 million times more embarrassing for famous people! At least people laughed though. It's very cringey when something like that happens and you're met with stony faces and feel like everyone thinks you're going mad.

[phantomnamechanger]

Thank you all for this hilarious thread, just what I needed after literally being crapped on from a great height today. By a seagull who I swear flew off laughing to his mates.

Nonno - I remember that!

[phantomnamechanger]

error, I don't think it was the famous DH who ran to assist, it was a colleague who later became infamous, IIRC

[phantomnamechanger]

though I have just googled it and her DH did then help put her back together , as it were.