I made a complete tit of myself today and cannot stop cringing. Pat my shoulder

[Gatekeeper]

...and say "there there"

In meeting today and part of it was a discussion about personal illnesses or conditions each of us has/had. I mentioned that most of my family - female side has an underactive thyroid and that I have yearly blood tests as mine is slowly getting there. I said "Thyroid" about ten times

Only I didn't...

I said "prostate" and wondered why the rest of them were looking at me like this . I clocked what I'd said and said "No, not my prostate, my thryoid. I am actually a women, at least my husband thinks so" ending on a horrible, whinnying haw haw laugh that I haven't heard before.

Ended up doing a comedy wipe of my face, and knocked my glasses off, where they landed on the middle of the floor. I said "shite" when this happened and not quietly either.

Dear God...not one of them cracked a smile or reacted- just looked at me for a split second and then started talking about something else

CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE..I am squirming in my seat just thinking about it

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

gatekeeper - maybe it will make you eligible for some little known benefit so you can continue to be a SAHM (if you want to!)

[SomethingkindaOod]

I've repressed this one for ages but here goes...
A director at my old workplace was notorious for standing in the middle of the corridor gossiping, not very practical as he was built like a brick wall and the corridors were very narrow. Trying to get past him one day instead of doing what I wanted to do and kind of put my hand out in front of me to slip past him for some reason I reached out and grabbed hold of his arse cheek. And for some reason squeezed. Really hard.
Poor bugger jumped a foot in the air, turned round and looked at me like a whipped puppy while I gibbered an apology at him!
Thank God it was the FD not one of the other ones, he had a sense of humour and spent weeks holding him bum protectively whenever I went past him

[Dilash]

HOW ON EARTH???•!!!!

[rumbelina]

These are brilliant! William Shatner!??

I was in an interview about 15 years ago and they asked me about strengths and weaknesses. For weaknesses this popped out of my mouth: "some people call me anal but I say I pay attention to detail". There was a silence and one of the interviewers just said "Anal??" incredulously. LUCKILY the other two fell about laughing at that point and then explained it to him while I sat there cringing my head off.

I didn't get the job, it was for a student placement and they said I was over qualified but rang back after a few days to offer me a different job :)

[kerala]

Oh these are hilarious! Mine not as funny. I was on a walk with some friends I hadnt seen for while in a park. I was pregnant and had gone abit mad I think (my excuse). To emphasis a point I sort of swung my arm and inadvertently threw my handbag into a lake. Everything was in there, phone, purse, book, oyster card etc. I then (7 months pregnant) had to climb over a fence get a stick to try to fish it out. My friends were and told me just to leave it but it was my handbag for gods sake. I did get it back and everything survived except the phone. It was a work one my secretary at the time was what have you done now...

Also during the same mad stage I read the dullest internal company publication which had a lame joke in it. On reading it I got the worst giggles I have experienced I literally had to go to the loos and sit there crying with laughter I couldnt stop it was weird. Was embarrassing as went back to the office my bewildered boss said "I read the joke and it wasnt even funny". They suggested I go home for a lie down.

[LadyFlumpalot]

A week after I went on Maternity Leave I went back in to the office for a day as my team was REALLY short staffed and I was bored at home

Anyway, my computer login had been disabled so off I trotted down to see the IT lads (3 early twenties, trendy types with floofy hair and glasses) and instead of saying "Hi, please could you reactivate my login?" the words that came out of my mouth were...

"Hi boys, could one of you turn me on please?"

Also, my stepdad once answered Viagra instead of Coleslaw when my mum asked him what else they needed whilst in Tesco.

[IfAtFirstUDontSucceed]

Oh my god - I've just woken the baby snorting at this OP poor! poor you!

[Floggingmolly]

Your op was the funniest thing I've read this month, at least.
Your embarrassment was a kind of public service really; a living example of short term pain for everyone else's long term gain...

[Fourducksate]

I was in a lunch meeting once and we were celebrating a deal that had been done on some property, I was offered more champagne and said ' oh no, one more and I am anyone's'... In was inappropriate, but a few of them did jump up and reach for the bottle, which made it a bit better .

Another time we were having a meeting with some clients, one of whom was called Mr Dury. I couldn't get the song 'hit me with your Rythmn Stick' out of my head..... He asked me to call him his first name and I seconds later called him 'Ian'. .

Once, I was walking down Regents Street in London, where I worked at the time and felt something bulging in the leg of my trousers, I realised in was a pair of knickers from the day before which had obviously been left in (yes I wore my trousers 2 days in a row, as they were with a suit), I had to shuffle into a doorway and retrieve them from the bottom of the leg! From whence they were now protruding!

[ErrorError]

Oh I made a massive tit of myself once when I was on my way to visit a friend. I got a phone call from her saying that she'd be late meeting me because her Dad had been hit by a car. I said "Oh god that's terrible, I'm so sorry. Are you going to the hospital?" She replied "The hospital?! Why would we go there? He's on my mum's kitchen floor. We're waiting for the out of hours vet."

It took a minute longer of me wondering why a vet would need to come out before I realised she'd said dog not dad, and although it was still terrible I burst out laughing at my mistake. I was trying to explain through gasps of "I'm so sorry!" And then she said she and her mum hadn't spoken to her dad in years and that made the image of him on the kitchen floor even more vivid in my head. I think she understood but I was totally mortified.

at Shatner Wife!

[limitedperiodonly]

You made me laugh OP.

On the 50th anniversary of VE Day I asked my boss what he'd be doing over the extended holiday weekend.

He said: 'Some friends and I will be holding a small losers' party.'

I forgot he was German.

[ProfessionalProcrastinator]

My neighbour phoned me out of the blue one morning and said that her husband had died. My response was "Are you joking?" Wtaf was I thinking I do not know! She had grace to repeat what she said and ignored my faux pas. I am still mortified years later.

[changeforthebetter]

[neiljames77]

Years ago, thankfully before the advent of decent camera phones, me and the rest of the family went to one of those parks with an adventure playground in it. One of the rides was a zip wire meant for kids. Instead of a bar to dangle off, it was a pole with a disc at the bottom to sit on. Both my daughters, 4 and 5 at the time, were too scared to go on it so I said I'd sit on it and one at a time, they could sit on my knee.
The youngest agreed to do it. It was in summer and I was wearing shorts. This zip wire, not used to the weight of an adult and child, set off at a fair old pace. Apparently, everybody apart from me could see what was going to happen. When it reached full speed and got to it's lowest point, my arse ploughed a trench through the treebark shavings and into the gravel and soil underneath. We came to a halt and my daughter ran back to her mum and left me sat there with my underpants full of tree bark and my exposed arse cheeks red raw and grazed.
About 30 or so people had seen it happen and one woman, who was wearing pale jeans had quite obviously wet herself and was led away by her husband.
I can laugh about it now but at the time, it was really embarrassing.

[Ellisisland]

Dilash- I stumbled through my presentation and said at the end ' you'll be glad to know that me done and no more mention of pus!' I laughed and was met by silence .....

Thank god I am part time so my embarrassing moments are limited to just 3 days a week!

[Gatekeeper]

I am still laughing about William Shatner; it's tickled me to bits

[ErrorError]

Haha neiljames I hope that woman comes one here to write about the embarrassing time she literally pissed herself watching someone get stuck in the trench of a zip wire!

My DMs most embarrassing moment was when she slipped and landed in a muddy puddle, so my Dad told her to take her skirt off in the car, which was fine until she got home and couldn't get back into it so ended up legging it into the house in just her knickers.

I remember another time I made a tit of myself quite a few years ago when I was at a meal with a large group of people, and through the course of general chit chat we were talking about daytime TV. I said "I think Fern Britton looks really good after that sex change." Got a few looks and I realised what I said and quickly went "Oh I meant gastric band!" but the damage was done. WHY out of all the medical procedures in the world to mistake it for, had I said sex change?

[Dilash]

my sister went into the greengrocers once and asked for a piano. She wanted a bunch of bananas

[Dilash]

i dont understand why everyone doesnt laugh when these things happen

do some people not have brain malfunctions, and so really actually think others are lunatics?

[BigHairyLeggedSpider]

Bastards! I'm now late for work! But at least I'm smiling1

[limitedperiodonly]

Someone I know didn't stop herself before a William Shatner moment.

She pointed and laughed at the arty picture of a man in the screensaver on someone's screen shouting: 'Who's that ugly geek?'

The answer was: 'It's my boyfriend. He's a model, actually.'

He did look a bit geeky but it's a fair bet that you'd have a screensaver of someone you know, rather a random geek.