Almighty gaffes you have made

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

I work with the elderly and people with various disabilities. This week I have surpassed myself and made things so much worse by apologising profusely.

To the gentleman without legs: Would you like to go for a walk?

To the partially sighted lady: Yes I see

To the gentleman who has dementia: Do you remember..?

I feel just terrible, wretched and awful. I am normally so tactful, but have had a rotten week. They were all so nice about it and the gentleman with no legs kept cracking his own jokes.

But really, I am so embarrassed.

Please tell me I am not the only one

Announcing the F1 results to my friend's DH who had been studiously avoiding them all afternoon whilst recording it and giving her a break by bringing their DCs to a party.

I think I caused an EMT embarrassment a short while ago. I had a severe allergic reaction to a bee sting and had difficulty breathing. As I was being loaded into the ambulance the female EMT asked me about any physical difficulties. I duly listed both of them.
I lost consciousness and came around to the EMT's frantically banging on the equipment. They were clearly upset with some reading they were getting. They asked me if I had trouble with circulation in my right leg. I replied " not usually, as my right leg is fully prosthetic" Stunned silence followed. The female EMT finally squeeked " But your toes are painted"
Indeed I have the toes on both toes done at the salon. They had attached a lead to my right ankle and were upset to find no pulse or whatever they were looking for..
The other EMT repeated over and over " Well, it looks so real"

I have just wept laughing at 'mutual masturbation' and the heroic Satan

oooh just found my original thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/other_subjects/1325853-Mortified-school-social-faux-pas-of-the-year?pg=5

I did chuckle all over again reading the comments.

secrteswitch

I keep putting my foot in it.

most recent one was last week when I said to a friend with an enquiring look :"can I ask you a question?
she said: "no, you can't, I'm not pregnant! "
me: "sorry! not like I can talk ( pointing at my belly)
another person who overhead made an uhelpful comment so I was very

as soon as we parted I texted her, apologizing. she has not replied yet!

I feel awful. she is very slim, but it was just the combination of her clothes and the way her tummy got squashed out as she picked up her DC that I thought it looked like a 3-4 month pg belly!

I saw her today again as we passed at school and I said hello and asked if she'd forgiven me yet.
she grinned but it was awkward.
I don't know what to do.
previous to my stupid comment we'd been chatting for 10 mins, planning to get together in the summer.
now I can't call her, can I? and I don't think she will..

Oh Zing! I did the same thing to someone I had an acquaintance with. Last fall she was wearing a sweet empire waisted blouse. Her tummy had a definite bulge. I gave her a big smile and said " when are you due?"
Ofcourse she was not pregnant. We were both mortified. I went round with some chocolate.
I.Will.Never.Comment.On.Swingtops.Or.Bulging.Tummies....unless I see the baby crowning..

1. I leant back on the glass partition between the "shop" bit of TopShop and the shop window to check what cash I had in my purse.

There was no partition.

I fell into the shop window causing a domino rally of mannequins along the entire shop front

2. I was in a meeting as the finance representative to discuss the closure of one of our site warehouses. I was quite junior, in amongst a lot of senior people and had taken a lot of notes in with me. I had annotated "warehouse" as "w/house".

Every time - EVERY SINGLE TIME - I tried to say "warehouse" my brain malfunctioned and I said "whorehouse".

By the end of the meeting at least half the board of directors were laughing so hard they couldn't speak. I left to go on maternity leave SIX years later and my boss brought it up AGAIN in my leaving presentation.

Not me but me but my best friend ( I was there and did not help situ) said to a colleague on a night out

BF: "I'm over my marriage break up, his loss and I need to move on, not like I've got cancer or anything, so I shouldn't be wasting my life moping,"

Colleague:

Me: so glad we've all come out to celebrate the end of your chemo treatment Steve, we should do it more often.

Why, why fucking why. This is why DH turns mobile off when me and BF go out together. Still cringing as I'm typing this!!!!

Oh yes, just recently I texted my husband something like " I can't wait to have your cock in me" I heard nothing back from him for a long time, so retested him. Soonly after, my very nice cleaning man texted me with " Hi Secrets! I don't think you meant this for me.."
I nearly went to my knees..the iPhone had changed my wording to " can't wait have your cocktail in me" ..maybe he thought I meant some fruity drink?

These are so funny, especially the one handed man with one glove and 'Dads' hammer. The woman telling her lift mate what a pervert the security guard was too, I'm crying with laughter.

Mine is supermarket related. I used to have a really lovely personnel manager, real girl next door sort of person, always smiling, always friendly. She came in when she was off to hand something in, and entirely without thinking I cheerily said 'Oh hello, didn't recognise you with your clothes on!'. Cue mortified silence. I think what I probably meant was 'I've never seen you not wearing your work uniform', but that doesn't sound much better really does it?

I'll never forget my wedding day either (well who will). We dropped off the best man and I turned round from the front passenger seat to say thanks for being there and making the day special sort of thing. I have no idea if I actually said that though, because as I went to do the kiss bye thing you do when you air kiss someone's cheek, his head moved and it landed on his mouth. I still can't speak to him, it's just too embarrassing. We had the maid of honour to drop off too, and every time I've seen her since then she's greeted me with a kiss on the mouth .

Oh you are all making me feel so much better

secretswitch

me neither! and I never do! I don't know what came over me. I even know that they are not planning anymore kids - just why did I say it?
she has a great figure and she normally looks far from pg!

the thing is it sounded like criticism. but I'd never do that! and I can't explain to her why I thought she was pg and that is fairly innocent, coz I'd just dig myself into a bigger hole!

grrrrr I'm so with myself.

but thanks for sharing, it made me feel better.

In a very naice patisserie...

The name of the pastry is right near the tip of my tongue, but won't quite reveal itself to my brain, so I politely ask:

Oooh, could I have one of those fuckers, please ?

I told a lady who was recovering from having her second leg amputated that it 'might take a while for her to get back on her feet' just a couple of weeks ago, she gave me a withering look And I said 'oh I've really put my foot in it have t I'
Rubbish!!

About 17 years ago dd1 (3 at the time) was invited to be a bridesmaid at db's wedding. At the dress fitting I met future sil's sister and nieces for the first time. It was summer and feeling a bit nervous I commented on the children's lovely suntans and asked where they'd been on holiday, cue awkward silence and strange looks. Nothing was said.

At the wedding I was introduced to their Indian father. I was beyond embarrassed for my gaffe, it just hadn't occurred to me.

I am an optometrist and the number of times both I and my colleagues have emphasised how important it is to put glasses on and take them off with BOTH HANDS when you are talking to a one-armed person probably could be counted on the fingers of both hands. If you have two hands.

Another colleague was doing an eye examination on a large lady. He asked her to put her chins ( yes, plural!) on the slit-lamp so he could look at her eyes. He realised what he had said but kept going as if he hadn't.

Another time, a patient was asking me about laser eye surgery. I meant to say that with her type of prescription they had had a lot of success. Except that I actually said they had had a lot of sex. Horny bunch, those ophthalmic surgeons.

I still cringe at this one, and it happened when I was 6 years old! I was in a play (mostly adults), and we were all waiting around backstage during a rehearsal, and someone started telling jokes. I decided to tell one that my 11 year old brother had told me a couple of days earlier (which I didn't really get but he seemed to find funny). It was a '5 people on a plane, 2 parachutes joke; so the Indian (eg) says "I shall do as Gandhi would want, and jumps off without taking a chute etc. The punchline is that the german says I will do as Hitler would want, pushes the jew out of the plane and take the last parachute himself." I know, horrible racist joke.

Even worse if you live in Germany, attend a German school and have translated the joke into German because you are telling it to a group of Germans.

I really didn't get their reaction at the time, but I have cringed ever since I understood the joke.

Oh lord! These all have me cringing on your behalf!

You know, I try my hardest but I'm just human.

The cock one!

Thank goodness for iPhone autocorrect!!

Hilarious!

Excitedly, me and dh got keys to our first house together. Whilst opening the front door, elderly neighbour bounded up to us and said 'can I introduce myself as we have orgies'. Thought it a bit of an odd opener but decided I'd run with the joke and replied 'oh we'll be right over then!', and gave him a right dirty wink. Once inside the house, dh expressed puzzlement as to my bizarre response to those lovely old folk, 'Harry and Audrey'. They still say hello.

I've had to abandon reading this thread as i'm feeding the baby and keep snorting trying to stifle a laugh.

I?ve remembered another.

I?d been getting recurring UTIs so I was referred to a consultant. He said he wanted to examine me and asked me to get on the couch, so I bravely smiled at DH who was there with me, went behind the curtain, took off my knickers, hitched up my skirt and laid on the bed.

I then discovered the poor consultant only wanted to feel my stomach.

I have no idea how he managed to keep a straight face, nor why I thought he?d want to examine anything that involved me taking my clothes off.

I cringed my way through the rest of the consultation, got outside, furiously whispered to DH what I?d done and that I needed to just get out of the hospital as I was so embarrassed and strode off down the corridor. Realised a few minutes later I was talking to myself, turned around to see DH slid down the wall crying with laughter. He then drove straight to my mums to tell her. She now tells this story every time she sees a doctor.

years ago i went with a friend and her boyfriend to his parents flat, it was in a big block, and lots of windows, and there was one flat with bright yellow nylon net curtains and yes, me big mouth said ewwww look at the state of them yellow nets, how tacky, and yes, once we came out the lift the yellow nets greeted us, i was only about 16 and should have said nothing instead i went on, oh dont them nets look lovely close up, they didnt down stairs etc he just looked at me :(

me and my friend still laugh about it now, and no he isnt her boyfriend anymore :)

I also went to my first cremation when i was in my early twentys, and when the little curtain shut round the coffin, for some reason i went into total hysterics, thinking sooty and sweep were going to pop out the curtain and say hello, i had to muffle my laughs into a hanky and someone behind put a hand on my shoulder, i think they thought i was overcome with grief, it was so mortifying :(