Almighty gaffes you have made

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

I work with the elderly and people with various disabilities. This week I have surpassed myself and made things so much worse by apologising profusely.

To the gentleman without legs: Would you like to go for a walk?

To the partially sighted lady: Yes I see

To the gentleman who has dementia: Do you remember..?

I feel just terrible, wretched and awful. I am normally so tactful, but have had a rotten week. They were all so nice about it and the gentleman with no legs kept cracking his own jokes.

But really, I am so embarrassed.

Please tell me I am not the only one

I cringe a lot every time I think of it.
Cheer up, you miserable buggers.
Oh god.

My friend had brain cancer, and was getting poorly. She was on a night out in town when I met up with her. I hadn't seen her for a couple of months.

General pissed greetings which followed with "God listen to me, I've only had one shot" Probably referencing a wrong word or something? Not sure, but I replied

"Yes, you do sound really pissed" and then took the mick out of her slurring.

Uncomfortable silence - turns out her slurring was caused by the cancer. I could forgive myself if I hadn't done the impression.

I'm spending a couple of years in purgatory for that one

femme fresh. Im dying here!

"Is your wife a Hoare?" is killing me.

Another one from the supermarket I worked at, but not mine. Was over the PA they had been promoting crumpets all day, then it came over the tannoy 'while in store today why not visit our crumpet department' then it went very quiet! Was supposed to be visit the fresh food department selling crumpets!

along the lines of smarties

i was coming out of a club with a friend at 3am and we had somehow ended up with a full bottle of champagne, we were taking swigs out of it (as you do) and some huge bloke asked where we were going with the champagne so i said home, he asked if he could come so i said only if you wank hard enough

my friend and i just looked at each other and ran

i still dont know what made me say it

Still embarrassed about it. I was going on holiday with 4mo DS and DP. At the airport we met a girl who I used to share a flat with aaaages ago and her husband. I heard from a mutual friend a couple months ago that she was pregnant. So she asked me how things were, I went on and on about my little family and how happy we are. She told me they were flying home (they're foreign) and I asked her if it was their last romantic holiday before the baby comes. Her reply was: 'I had a miscarriage and we're flying there to sign divorce papers'. I am still ashamed of myself.

I saw what I thought was a little boy sitting on a big chair in a council office. He was swinging his legs and looked bored so I asked him if he was waiting for his mum. Am actually cringing as I said 'mummy'.
He told me to fuck off.

It turned out that he was a man who had never grown and was also important in the council.

Actual ba ha ha at Artisan's story!

I have many. My worst was with my DP when we were dating. Looking through a magazine and saw a photograph (briefly) and said "How embarrassing for them, that's an awful photograph!" - a group of people with learning disabilities, Down's Syndrome included. DP realised I just hadn't seen the photo closely and laughed but proceeded to tell the story to everyone. Fast forward 6 years and we have a ten month old son... with Down's Syndrome. I am now utterly mortified and hope he never finds out I said it.

My DP once introduced a guy to me as "This is James. We went to school together", then proceeded to kind of grab me and walk quickly away. I was a bit confused, and my hubby said "Crap. That's not who he is. That's Alan. He is Claire's brother" Claire was my DP's girlfriend of 4.5 years before me!! That still cracks me up but makes him cringe!

Still sniggering at the wanking jacket...

I asked a colleague who had a very neat desk with everything laid out "in it's place" why he only had one glove. He pointed out that its because he only had one hand. I've worked with him (and known that he has only one hand) for four years. He was very sweet, laughed about it....and then took me out for champagne to celebrate my engagement

I also recently txt DP after a relatively, ahem, dry spell, both stressed at work etc, to say I was in the mood, at home, waiting for him.....dressed up in sexy underwear and jumped him when he arrived. After a good while of action, I asked if he was ok, as not much was....happening- he told me he'd got an email on the way home to say his Granny only had a few days to live

Namechanged as this outs me. My friend recently invited me at the last minute to what she described as an 'Arabian Nights' themed charity night with a prize for best fancy dress. I bought a couple of metres of gold tulle and some plastic dollars and hand sewed a kind of Jasmine from Aladin outfit. I looked a bit silly next to my friend who had an authentic looking outfit on, especially as she has dark skin and hair and I'm very pale, but I thought I did ok for 24 hours notice, and I won't be the worst there.

On arriving there however, it became immediately apparent that this was actually a meeting of Arab women, celebrating feminism and specifically their own achievements and their empowerment within their own communities. And there I was in the middle of them, dressed as a blonde Jasmine. Awesome. I really wanted the ground to swallow me up!

There was a prize for 'best dressed' and everyone was wearing their traditional ethnic finery. It was very fancy dress, not 'fancy dress'.

I used to work in the control room for a security firm, and was the manager for security officers across the country whilst on night shift. Most of them were a bit workshy and tried lots of different ways to get out of doing their actual job.
One officer, who was from New Zealand and had quite a thick accent, was notorious for bullshitting. He phoned up one night to tell me he was going home because his "parrot had died."
I read him the riot act, told him he had to stay at work because he had pending jobs and that he could deal with the "dead bird" in the morning.
Turned out, his gran had died.
Shit

Cringy: did your friend know? She could have warned you.

No, she didn't know, she had somehow misunderstood the invitation.

Ivw heard the one about satan as the hero beforw but it never fails to make me laugh

Artisan laughing so much.

I am a social worker. I was employed at a crisis care unit. I was interviewing a patient about the hallucinations he had been experiencing. He told me he was being stalked by pregnant nun. He also believed the Catholic Church had implanted a gps in his penis. I don't know what possessed me but I replied with " Oh my God! That is crazy!"
I am still so ashamed of myself.

I love "wanking jacket".
However, I am now scared that I will say it one day!

I had just moved into a new house and knocked on a neighbours door to ask if I could borrow a hammer. I asked the young girl who answered the door if I could see her Dad for a moment. She looked at me blankly and said nothing so I repeated a bit slower and louder "CAN I SEE YOUR DAD FOR A MOMENT?". She then turned, walked away, and fetched her HUSBAND. Who then let me borrow his hammer. I never looked them in the face again...

Oh how did I forget the time I told a one armed man that I didn't really use my left arm so it was the same

My brain farted and that is what my mouth shit

stealth yup I posted about it at the time :)