Explain Children's TV Shows to me.

[TiggyD]

I work in childcare and need to keep up to date with children's TV shows so I know what the kids are on about. Please could you explain a show each in just one sentence. And please could somebody do Ben 10?!

eg,
Teletubbies:
4 coloured blobs with various antenae prance about life eating toast and custard aided by a possessed hoover.

[notcitrus]

Big Cock Little Cock, sorry cook: Big Cock is too gormless to kill little Cock for flying around on a spoon. Between the two of them they can only do one dish for a nursery rhyme character in 20 minutes, so thankfully seem to have closed their cafe down.

[Notafoodbabyanymore]

Dirtgirlworld - cartoony little girl with the facial features of an adult woman pouts and winks grotesquely and prances around like a damn fool whilst teaching children about gardening and conservation.

Green balloon club - a group of annoying little idiots put on their best stage school smiles and bore on about the environment.


Sorry I'm late to the party.

[Calvinclomp]

Wooly and Tig
Spoilt horrible little bitch who has a pretty good looking mum and her dad was the gay copper in taggart. The girl cries and sulks the minute things aren't going her way or she drops a chocolate button or some other trivial nonsensical shit!
Parents drug the kid to get her to shut the fuck up and in her drug induced haze she starts talking to a little goody two shoes totally unrealistic looking Scottish spider.
Girl calms down, lather, rinse, repeat.

[BlueEyedBrunette]

Numberjacks.....numbers live in a sofa and fight a giant undertaker, a ginger head, a pink flying spoon, a blob-throwing blob and a weird shape thing with teeth.

The spoon is cool.

[eden263]

Justin's House - Award winning, shiny faced, frustrated housewives' totty Fletcher whores himself in a self-indulgent megalomaniacal fashion, whilst wiggling his bottom, doing endless pratfalls and getting covered in custard pies, as his adoring camp robot housemate/butler swoons over him and 200 confused toddlers look on and come in too early with the egotistical theme tune.

Green Balloon Club - Four posh stage school children who need a good slap read woodenly from the autocue (apart from Cat who is actually quite OK), joined by a couple of 'nice' adult presenters and a well-trained dog. They pretend to fly through the sky in a pedal-powered hot air balloon, taking in nature reports from the ground from proletariat children who are 'club members'. Usually concludes with a song about plants, trees or insects. Let's do...the waggle dance.

Let's Play - Man & woman live platonically in 2D paper house, fight over who is going to be the chosen one for the day by doing an insane and scary dance involving cloning and gurning, both ending up in the story anyway, playing a host of transsexual characters in ill-fitting costumes then later have to act as if they knew nothing about any of it.

[Divinyl]

Carrie and David's Pop Shop: known to our family as 'Carrie and David's Pop Sh..' due to the speed of turning off the TV once programme is announced. One of the duo, obivious which, must have made it into Children's TV on the merits of certain other rather specific favours.

Numtums: As description above, but will give you mild depression if you happen to watch around the time of needing a shower and the obvious similarities to 'Mumtums'.

The Octonauts: live in an Octopod under the sea that seems to operate like a giant sphincter. Crew put Octo before most nouns. There is usually a kelp forest that wipes out the Octopod's Octo-no claims bonus.

Rastamouse: If taken passively in the morning, there is no way that you will be able to turn your mind to anything adult and dull later without the theme tune repeating on you like a plate of fried onions.

[Tigresswoods]

Lazytown- continental European drivel about some fit bloke who exercises a lot & appears to only eat apples. Hangs out with grown woman dressed as pre-pubescent girl.
Monumentally creepy but unmissable at the same time.

[vladthedisorganised]

Thomas the Tank Engine - Stalinist allegory. If you're not a Really Useful Engine you'll be sent to Siberia off the island.

Waybuloo - obvious drug metaphor. Characters with massive heads float up into the air when the cheeba arrives.

Octonauts - Star Trek, but under the sea rather than in space. Captain Kirk equivalent is a polar bear; Mr Spock equivalent is an octopus and Scotty is a penguin.

Rastamouse - Columbo, but with mice and reggae.

[Hollanda]

Well WB me. It has been a while and our TV shows are quite different now.

• Ben and Holly - worth watching for the sexual tension between Nanny Plum and The Wise Old Elf.
  
• Daniel Tiger - a very cute little American Tiger with a friend called Prince Wednesday (DS: Why is his name not Friday??!). A lot of singing and the theme tune is particularly catching.
  
• Blaze and the Goddamned Sodding Monster Flaming Machines - I hate this. Another American cartoon about Blaze and his companion Derrington (amongst other friends) who battle not to allow cheating Crusher and his slightly nicer companion Pickle, to win races. In order to do this, viewers must help Blaze add vital components to himself by shouting the words at the screen. (Isn't that cheating?). Oh there's a lot of science, and thanks to DS (4) and his undying affection for this Yankee mush, I have learned scientific stuff, like trajectory (it's the path that something fol-lows, tra-jec-toreee, when it's flying through the air!). There are songs, most of which are brain-penetrative, repetitive and annoying. Blaze always wins.
  
• Mr Bean Animated Adventures - what you'd expect.
  
• Sooty - what you'd expect, still one of my favourites.
  
• PJ Masks - I have no idea, other than one of the goodies is called Owlette. Good name.
  

We don't let him watch too much TV.

[RandomDent]

Abney and Teal. Crack addicts who live in the park hallucinate adventures based on random litter that they find.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

Raa Raa The Noisy Lion - (My DH's words, not mine): Raa raa is a jumped up little shit who throws a paddy everytime something doesn't go his way, but it's otherwise a cute TV programme about jungle animals