Explain Children's TV Shows to me.

[TiggyD]

I work in childcare and need to keep up to date with children's TV shows so I know what the kids are on about. Please could you explain a show each in just one sentence. And please could somebody do Ben 10?!

eg,
Teletubbies:
4 coloured blobs with various antenae prance about life eating toast and custard aided by a possessed hoover.

Baby Jake - small animated baby from '16 kids and counting' who lives in a lighthouse flies through space while talking a special baby language and singing songs with rabbits and hamsters.

Ker whizz: eyeballs are seared by cgi characters who are unbelievably unobservant. They subsequently pretend to race flying machines around surreal landscapes. All narrated by a strange Lewis Hamilton alike, who talks in strange alliterative rhyme.

Come Outside:
Kindly spinster flies spotty plane to factories. Surprisingly compelling.

Granddad in my pocket - you guessed it. There's a Granddad in his pocket.

Bubble Guppies: unutterably perky merchildren light fires, feed chickens and visit airports underwater, as you do.

I thought Baby Jake lived in a Windmill .

little Charley Bear:
James Corden talks down to cute bear who has mildly perilous adventures. Unbelievable.

Pingu
Fuck knows.

Small Potatoes
Starchy crop gangs do mundane things.

Driver Dan's Story Train: Peter Serafinowicz tells your children a story, then tests whether they were paying attention; it's never made clear precisely what will happen if they can't "show him the story".

Balamory - a small Scottish nursery school is run by a woman who has never changed her cardi in about 15 years.

Gigglebiz

Blurry faced toddler favourite Justin Fletcher removes the swears from Little Britain and proves that comedy doesn't have to troubling sexual content or patronize minorities in order to be piss funny.

I'M RAPIDS JOHNSTON!

Nuzzle and Scratch - furry llama bastards
Waybuloo - floaty, noseless bastards
In the Night Garden - hallucinogenic bastards
Grandpa in my Pocket - elderly bastards
Me Too - neglectful bastards
Gigglebiz - Justin disguised as various bastards
Squiglet - bastards

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

High security prison/asylum for mutant lab animals.

Mice in shorts, Ducks with speech impediments in everything but shorts.

Dogs that talk, or not.

Psychedelic musical numbers, hot dogs for the eternal munchies.

Heavy shit man.

Thomas the Tank Engine. An accident ridden rail network that should have been closed down by the health and safety executive year ago.

Big and Small: Lenny Henry has bills to pay.

Ministry of Curious Stuff - Vic Reeves and Angelos Epithemiou answer viewers questions about curious stuff with a complete disregard for sanity and reasonableness. Essential viewing.

Ben and Holly

Despotic fairy family live a life of frivolity whilst lording it over hardworking elves who will one day rise up against the oppressive royal family in a Russian-revolution inspired act of aggression. Wise Old Elf wants to get it on with Nanny Plum.

Ballamory
Miles Jupp loathes himself.

Squiglet

The BBC believes your children are idiots incapable of understanding words such as crayons and notepads, henceforth known as 'squigglesticks' and 'squigglepads'.

these are funny! dp is looking at me like while I giggle away to myself

Same Smile: Two out of three inanimate pandas are sent out to play with children and solicit "presents" for the only slightly more animate presenter in spite of the fact that she's the only person on screen who's actually being paid for this.

Little Princess - the Royals are not toffs, but are brown-cardigan wearing, farting, burping Northerners. The Princess appears to be flushed from roseacea or a heavy drinking habit. Everyone is camp.

Horrible Histories

Hysterical programme with great songs, teaching everyone the true gory bits of history (except for the bits that QI reckons aren't true).

Nuzzle and Scratch
Catchy theme tube. One alpaca sounds like Stupid Death from Horrible Histories, except he isn't.

Bob the Builder: Rip-off of Remington Steele in which talented female builder invents male figurehead to improve business then has to watch as amiable conman takes over the role.