House rules I forgot to make.

[CadleCrap]

Don't comb the soap.

For DH.
Look I can never remember ages. Not even my own half of the time and when you rock in -quietly I will admit- at 1am slightly squiffy when I have to be up at 6 and try and have a conversation with me I am not likely to be very articulate.
Therefore the new rule is to not get pouty at me when I think you are 40 next year. Yes I know it isn't till the year after but seriously, singing 'Flobba is a meany' in my ear is only going to get you an elbow in the stomach. And I would rather like to go back to sleep. Tell me about your night out in the morning.

For DD2 yes of course you can pat Daddy on the head to wake him up. Yes I know I usually move you but today is special and yes of course you can stick your finger in Daddy's ear

Rules for guests:
Don't piss in our mugs
Don't ask me to wipe your bottom (6 year old)
Don't make a drink out of coffee, olives and water and then be sick in the drains

What's with all the 'licking'.

Do not run around upstairs waggling your willy when your DD15 has her friend over who is an only child and doesn't have younger boy cousins so doesn't understand what boys do.

no playing with mummy's tampons in the bath.

no decorating the ceiling & walls of bathroom with wet tampons

no drawing the water level of the bathwater with mummy's fucking expensive and only lipstick

no painting the keyboard with Dulux paint samples

no covering the sofa with the contents of the biggest jar of Vaseline, and on each others clothes & hair, then denying it the face of being caught "red" handed.

not eating candles

Oh, Vaseline.

No smearing Vaseline around the entire insides of the car when your baby sister has just done one of those poos that explode out of the nappy.

No giving sanitary towels to a neighbour who wants to blow her nose.

No offering snot to strangers.

no drinking an entire glass of wine at the age of 2 then licking your lips, grinning (just coz Daddy looked away)

parents - never ever take your eyes off your children. never.
learn to sleep with your eyes open.

no hitting your baby sister with a brick

no using your baby brother's mouth as a piggy bank

no sneaking downstairs at 2am play on the Wii

no collecting banana peels, apple cores, empty yogurts pots, chocolate & pepperami wraps, all your school ties and half your PE kit under your bed.

and what's with the mountain of snotty tissues?

Amazing if its a DS, then that aint snot...........

and one for school:

no money making schemes!
even if he begs you, you are still not allowed to bump your head on your friend's chin in the hope that his wobbly tooth fill fall out and that you share the money the tooth fairy brings him!

bogey face - it is snot.
if you mean wet dreams and the like DSs are not that age yet!! (grin)

Fair enough Amazing! But one day, it wont be snot....just sayin' :o

I have 6 too, my eldest is DS who is 22. I wont tell you any of his stories other than to say that shortly after his 13th birthday I realised that the bolts on his high sleeper needed tightening and it needed moving slightly further away from the wall

Do not eat Daddy's wedding ring. It is not a steak, it looks nothing like a steak and if you wanted something to eat to pretend it was a steak like Alex the Lion in Madagascar then you should have asked instead of eating Daddy's wedding ring.

Voting this for Classics...

Don't taste the 'chocolate ' looking stuff on ye trampoline - it s birdpoo
Don't lick sinks

You must to remember to wipe your bottom every time you use the toilet. When the adults say to you, "Hurry up," it does not mean, "Hurry up and definitely don't bother wiping your bottom."

Yes, this rule still applies, even if your cousin is over playing and you'd rather be outside.

No dancing with M&Ms in your mouth.

Don't put your feet on the computer.

No DS your toys dont want to swim in your wee.
Mummy doesn't want to poo so you can look at it.
No I don't want to eat your bogeys and no they don't taste nice.
No I don't want to watch your willy dance
Please don't tell strangers mummy's willy fell off
(He's just been potty trained so obsessed with anything to do with willys and poo)
Don't flick daddy's willy in the shower he doesn't want to share his shower with you as it is

Mummy's bra is not ear muffs
Willies are not air guitars and should not be pulled out and strummed (especially in front of visitors)
Do not have a competition to see who can stand the furthest away from the toilet when having a wee.
Do not ask in a loud voice why that man has a baby in his tummy
Please do not take photos of your willy on Dad's ipad as they are automaticaly uploaded and may appear as a screensaver on the TV
Please do not run into a room, pull your pants down, fart and shout "in your face" - I do not find it funny!
Just because we talked about how babies are made in the biological sense, you do not need to ask Grandma how it felt when Grandpa's willy was inside her

I had to stop reading as I'm in the library and silent-laughter-making-the-table-shake is not much better than loud laughter!

But to add:
Please do not wake Daddy after a late shift by announcing very loudly "my poo is shaped like a dinosaur".

If you want to be Spider-Man that's fine, but I do not want to be Mary-Jane whilst you swing up-side-down and try to snog me at the park (3yo daughter, not daddy).

If you want to paint your face like Spider-Man that's also fine, but DEFINITELY DO NOT try to snog me. I don't like the taste of face-paint.

Please stop telling people that "Daddy steals Mummy's money" - it was two pounds. One time. For the bus.

The bathroom ceiling doesn't need decorating with used toilet paper

You need to move your skirt out the way before going to the toilet

Hiding all your rubbish under the bed doesn't count as tidying your room

Don't lick your plate and put it back in the cupboard

Don't eat over the computer, mummy isn't impressed when she cleans the crumbs out

Don't leave stray sandwiches behind the radiator.

I love this thread

Brilliant thread!

Don't ask visitors if they want to see your poo, even if it is a funny shape, and when you've done said poo in a potty don't accompany your offer of a poo viewing by waving the potty under their nose...

Don't get your willy out in the middle of a crowded cafe

Don't use a breastfeed as an opportunity to stick your finger up my nose or in my belly button

Don't ask your mother whether she's going for a poo and whether you can look at it after, again when there are visitors in the house.

Don't confuse expensive face cream with finger paints.

The floorboards are not a post box.
The floorboards are not DVD players either.
The floorboards are not a cash machine either. Alas, no money will come out if you put Mummy's credit card between them.
Do not repeat any of the words Mummy uses when she finds out you've been using the floorboards as a cash machine.
Do not repeat any of the words Daddy uses when he takes up the floorboards.
Do not choose this point to suggest 'Do you think there's a really big mouse down there?'

Drawing on the wall will not prevent a fire.
Do not throw mummy's glasses at her at 6 a.m. She knows where they are.
Antique dressers are not a suitable surface on which to practice writing.
I do not need a label with my name on stuck to me at all times.
For immediate attention before an epsiode of vomitting, "I am going to be sick" tends to work better than "I am going to feel sick".

Sticking your nose in between your sisters bum cheeks is not acceptable. Asking her to fart whilst you do so is just downright weird!