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Original poster

House rules I forgot to make.

413 replies

CadleCrap · 28/04/2013 09:23

Don't comb the soap. Hmm

OP posts:
DanteValentine · 30/04/2013 00:50

My two are 10 and 14 and these STILL apply Hmm

Don't wrap your brother in copper wire you borrowed from school and attempt to plug him into the mains. He is not Frankenstein's monster and it is NOT scientific.

Don't repeatedly slam yourself into lamp posts, it is NOT hug a lamp post day.

Don't steal your brother's comfort blanket and proceed to tell him a horrid story of how it was murdered and is now being buried under the street by the workmen around the corner as you speak.

Don't set up your brother's PC to have a screamer appear as soon as he moves the mouse.

Don't bite your sister and blame it on the ghosts.

Don't attempt to use your father's CDs he needs for work to practice your 'DJ scratching skills' with. Neither of us will be impressed.

Don't pour gravy in the toaster.

Pet hamsters who have passed on do NOT need a viking burial. They will be buried the old fashioned way.

Do NOT borrow your sister's makeup, doll yourself up as Heath Ledger's version of The Joker and hide under her bed until she lays down for the night. The resultant scream will bring several neighbours running to see what happened.

themidwife · 30/04/2013 01:21

Don't keep saying "look at my boobies" very loudly while mummy's on the phone booking a pedicure!

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 30/04/2013 04:02

Mummy's pants are not a hat.
Not is my camisole to be used as a cuddly.
Nor is my underwired padded bra a bouncy bouncy jumping hill for Owl and Panda.
Look just get out of my underwear drawer already.
No the dinosaur must not go in the microwave.
Or in the DVD player.
Okay he can go in the fridge.
All right he can come out again.
Yes he's cold now but he must not go in the toaster to get warm.
Right, the kitchen is now closed.
Owl does not need to swim in the loo.
Or rub himself on the loo brush.
Or eat toothpaste.
Right, Owl is going in the washing machine. Yes I know I said he was not allowed to get wet but that was before he played with the loo brush.
It will be a lovely adventure for Owl. Please stop crying. He is fine. Look, he's swimming nicely.
Right we are going out. Get your hat.
No, Mummy's pants are not a hat.

rowingdowntheriver · 30/04/2013 06:05

trucks I love your post so much I think I might steal it and share it. It so reflects my life!

MummaBubba123 · 30/04/2013 06:23

Love this thread

HunterWellies · 30/04/2013 06:55

:o at 'bouncy bouncy jumping hill'

FrustratedSycamoresRocks · 30/04/2013 07:15

Do not put your face mm from mine and yell "wake up" that does not put mummy in a good mood for the day.

Do not sneak into mummy's bed for a cuddle and then do a wee. That is of the highest degree.

mouseymummy · 30/04/2013 07:44

From when dd was little:
Sudocrem is not paint, hair product or carpet shampoo...
The dvds are not to be flung around the room in the time it takes for mummy to get you water
Do not pee in your room, in the bathroom bin or in the hallway.... You are a child, not a dog!
Do not answer the front door naked...

carameldecaflatte · 30/04/2013 08:11

Said to DS 10 months;
Do not lick the cat.
Do not poke the cats nose.
Do not poke the cats eye.
Do not poke the cats bumhole.
Do not pull the cats tail.
Do not cry when the cat runs away from you.
All in the space of 5 minutes.

Laughing so much at this thread that Dh came to see why I wasn't sleeping as it's my (rare) turn for a lie in!

alienbanana · 30/04/2013 08:34

Is this in Classics yet Grin

rumpledtitskin · 30/04/2013 08:36

No daffodils in plug sockets.

dingit · 30/04/2013 08:51

reminded by an earlier poster.

do not wear an elasticated skirt, that is easily pulled down by a toddler, to the school disco. You will end up flashing your knickers to the DJ.

to 10 month ds, do not try to follow cat through cat flap, you will get stuck.

to dd. check there is space on sofa before sitting down, this would avoid sitting on random items left there, most recently, your brothers pizza.

CuttedUpPear · 30/04/2013 09:12

Trucksanddinosaurs your post is one of the reasons I've nominated this thread for Classics! Grin

Wallison · 30/04/2013 09:44

When the postman puts the letters through the letterbox, it is not the start of a game wherein the next move is for you to push them back out onto the street again.

Similarly, my house keys are needed inside the house when the door is locked, and shouldn't be posted onto the street outside.

FunnysInLaJardin · 30/04/2013 09:51

don't lick your brother

FunnysInLaJardin · 30/04/2013 09:54

don't put your head through the cat flat

FunnysInLaJardin · 30/04/2013 10:02

don't clean your teeth with my razor

Grannys nurofen are not sweets

Hopasholic · 30/04/2013 10:12

These are old ones now but:

Please don't call every random man 'daddy' especially when we are in a lift in John Lewis and there's no escape.

I like rainbows too but not the one the entire length of the sofa drawn on the wall in wax crayon in my newly decorated lounge.

My wedding dress didn't need a rainbow on it either.

I have hours and hours of embarrassing video footage including naked bouncing on the trampoline. Mums revenge is of the sweet variety Grin

BollyGood · 30/04/2013 10:48

Last week....

Do not climb out of your cot
Do not climb out of cot and barricade yourself in bedroom
Do not make mummy consider calling the fire brigade because she can't get in
AND
Do not take off all your clothes and nappy then do a gigantic poo and pick it up to present to mummy when she finally breaks in to bedroom.
You are only just ONE year old for gods sake!!!!

BollyGood · 30/04/2013 10:55

Out of my three daughters DD3 has already got me quaking in my slippers. I have no idea what the next few years will bring.

Bogeyface · 30/04/2013 11:08

Do not shout "WHY IS THAT MAN WEARING A DRESS?" on a packed bus.
Do not shout "BUT HE IS A MAN!!! HE HAS A BEARD!!!" when told that actually, it is a lady.
Do not choke on the chocolate buttons forced down your throat in an attempt to shut you up. Blush

ChloeR32 · 30/04/2013 11:15

Don't lick the window just because the cat does
x

springykitsch · 30/04/2013 11:21

Do not throw the big dolly out of the upstairs window and then scream out of the upstairs window that the baby has fallen out of the upstairs window. It is very cruel to passers-by.

Only God is God. No-one else is God. Yes, he is everywhere but that doesn't mean you're God.

Do not wake me at 5am with complicated scientific questions. I don't know the answer and I feel foolish, especially as I am 30 years older than you and should know. I'm sorry I don't know any answers to any of your questions.

Don't ask me, in a loud voice, complicated questions about the planets on the bus because I don't know the answer and I feel foolish.

Mooycow · 30/04/2013 11:34

dont put the rubber bath toy "o" on your brothers willy ?
not all remote controls belong to you . sorry best mate
cream for your skin is not meant for the dog,
posting the house keys out of the letter box with the door locked is not funny.
slamming the door behind mummy is not funny especially as the keys are on the stairs, and now you refuse to post the keys thro the letter box?

LimburgseVlaai · 30/04/2013 11:45

Please Please PLEASE let me do a poo in peace.