House rules I forgot to make.

[CadleCrap]

Don't comb the soap.

• cottage cheese

Although outage cheese sounds just as grim

Don't lick the window.

Don't lick the buggy wheels.

Don't lick the bus.

Don't lick the tube train.

STOP BLOODY LICKING THINGS, OK?!?

Knickers must be worn at the dining table
Do not comment on how big adults' bottoms are
You do not need to point out that some women have 'big boobies', they already know
Do not spread your bogies across your cheeks a la Adam Ant
Do not wee in Daddy's trainers

Do not pick your nose and then offer your index finger to mummy to remove the bogey

Don't dust the house using the toilet brush
The cheese grater doesn't live in your sisters dolls house
Don't put my sauce pans in the washing machine or the dustbin

No bikes on the kitchen table. .

Do not suck hand rails ANYWHERE, especially in public places.

Dont put crayons behind the radiator - they melt and look like shit.
Dont poke a stick up the dog's bum when he is trying to poo.
Dont take out the tissues, one by one, and snot on them all.
Dont eat frozen pizza.
Dont gargle trifle.

Don't sit on your brother
Don't poke your brother
Don't like me
Don't put crayons in your knickers so you have a winky
Don't moon passerby out the window
Don't dial last number in phone and spend 20mins telling your daddy's manager about your poo
Don't. Save poos to show daddy

Yes I am a nag but if you listened the first time I wouldn't have to repeat myself!

• don't POKE me - she is allowed to like me

Lol at meadowhall - I say "what happens if you fight? That's right, we're going fabric shopping at John Lewis". Stops them pretty quick!

Also - don't try to find a way into your stomach via your bellybutton
Don't eat your sleeves
Don't cross your eyes so far you get a headache for the rest of the day
Don't stroke spiders
When I let you use the garden hose on pain of not squirting the neighbours, don't squirt the blardy neighbours!

And for DP - don't use up everything out of a food container then put the EMPTY FUCKING CONTAINER BACK IN THE CUPBOARD!

Oh and do NOT shut me out the house again when I'm putting the rubbish out and only open the door once the fire brigade has turned up to break the door down!

Don't lick the butter!

Apples, oranges and bananas do not belong in the washing machine!

Stop looking at my chest and asking why I don't have boobies, there just small ok! It's givin me a complex

Yoghurt is not paint.
Paint is not yoghurt.
Sudocreme is not paint OR yoghurt.

Vaseline is not a hair product.
The microwave is not Lego minifigure storage.
Neither is the washing machine.
Willys are not bath toys.
Don't shout "Daddy your willy is enormous" in leisure centre changing rooms.
Don't shout "Mummy your bottom is massive" in leisure centre changing rooms either.
Don't wipe your nose on your sleeve.
Don't wipe your nose on my sleeve.
Don't lick handrails on the Tube.
Potatoes do not live in the freezer.
My house keys do not live under your bed behind all the crap

Do not accidentally pee on the floor and use the socks you are wearing to wipe it up with

And a new one, made this morning:

Your skirts for school are not "too long". There is no such thing as a miniskirt for 7 year-olds.

For little dc.
Do not bounce on the indoor little trampoline whilst it is still in the under stairs cupboard.

For big dc
Do not attempt to jump onto the outdoor trampoline from the top of the climbing frame, going over the safety net.

yoghurt is not suitable for styling the dogs fur. He does not need a Mohican on the top of his head, he looks silly.

Sudocrem is not a decorative material.
Ink stampers are only for decoration on paper, not stripped pine doors.
A bowl of spaghetti bolognese should not be eaten in one mouthful.
"Your breath smells" is not a defence when someone is telling you off.
Nobody is interested in what Justin Bieber was doing today, yesterday or ever.

Don't call your auntie "Poo"

Cat food is for cats!

Toys and toothbrushes do not belong down the loo!
The plumbers bill will be deducted from your pocket money (when you start getting it).

One last one - You may only eat breadcrumbs off a cooked chicken kiev, not a raw one.