Care to join me in my "Great TV shows they should make, but won't" thread? I'll start.

[lashingsofbingeinghere]

"Escape to Cakes in the Attic".

I did think of that - perhaps there could be a late night version with a selection of hammers and mallets.

Sorry Eammon, your gaffes and jokes amuse me really.

Celebrity Chef Come Dine With Me. Does what it says in the title.

999: What's your leggings emergency? A crack team of fashion police answer 999 calls from the public who spot women wearing see-through leggings with not much else on. The FP then swoop in, advise the leggings wearer then force them into an arse and camel toe coverer.

Glandstand - explicit all-nude version of the popular Saturday afternoon sports programme. Parental advisory - contains scenes of naked horses racing and Gary Lineker.

In The Fight Garden - Cute fluffy characters, with a penchant for farting, knock ten bells of shit out of each other in a leafy wood somewhere for the enjoyment of kiddies. First rule of Fight Garden is you do not talk about Fight Garden.

Tanorama - a topical show debating how orange can one really go. Caution - visors or welding masks may be required for viewing episodes featuring our favourite Klaxon one.

One Is Royal - Get One Ite Of Hyar - A full-scale replica of Buck Pal is built in the Amazonian Rain Forest. The entire royal family, including hangers-on, is incarcerated there for the duration, with full staff and facilities.
Week Three: HM finally realises that she is not in London any more. Phil is sent out to have a 'sensitive' chat with the local Yawalapiti people - and is lucky to escape with his life. The Duchess of Cornwall is selected by viewers for the Bush Tucker trial; she has to eat game terrine and smoked trout that has not come from Fortnum's.

Hairstyles of the Rich and Famous - A fascinating look at some of the more ridiculous and ill-conceived barnet choices of slebs around the world.
Episode 6: Donald Trump attempts to explain what exactly is going on 'up there' - and why he doesn't think he looks like a twat, when everyone else does.

MTV Crabs - Famous rappers show you their gold-plated crotch nits.

Come Be Nude With Me starring Tom Hardy who comes to your house and is naked the whole time. I'd watch that. I'd enter to be on it

Alex Reid in Stuck In The Closet

You crack me up, Talc.

My suggestion is serious

You know that game, Scotland Yard, with the big map of London and searching for the criminal? That, in actual London. Maybe not with actual crims, though. There would be a team of detectives linked up by iPhone or whatever, and a lone criminal.

Epicdary.

I came on to post that they should make Georgette Heyer into a series too! Maybe we can start a Mumsnet petition!

SP - did Alex Reid ever get out of the closet?

I like the Scotland Yard idea, Psamm - definitely real crims, though. Lots of helicopter infra-red cameras - and chaps hiding in wheelie bins and skips etc.

Turn in next week to see talc

It would be a 6 week half hour slot about Alex been stuck in the closet. People can vote in and decide how many air holes to cover and what to put in the closet with him

At the end of the six week run, Alex discovers that the closet wasn't even locked - he could have just opened the door at any time.

The moment of realisation

what he wears when he thinks the camera isn't on

Week 2 in the Reid Closet.

Peter Andre is put in the closet with Reid. The closet is so bright due to the glow they both let off it is impossible to see them

CSI: Balamory

PC Plum has to stop dicking about with wildlife after he receives a call about a double homicide.

Top Gear

James May is parachuted into west side LA and has 48hrs to sell 3 kilos of cocaine. Will he cut it with talc to maximise his profits? Gloria Hunniford does the voice over.

I've just found this thread and you had me with the first couple of posts. Shameful place marking to come back to later.

Celebrity Swears - Nine slebs sitting in a 3x3 square box affair, shouting repeated profanities at pensioners for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Tom's Cruise. A short film about a short man on a boat. Or maybe a tour of the town's public toilets.

Topiary Gear. A show for those who like to sculpt their undergrowth.

Urban Survivor - Professional tramp Ray Mears lives for six months just off the A1081 in the outskirts of Luton, by scraping dead stuff off the tarmac and rummaging through bins.
Episode 4 - Feast Night: Ray is in for a slap-up banquet when he finds two thirds of a badger decomposing in the gutter - which he roasts in a burning lorry tyre and enjoys with a cheeky cup of pond water.

Paris Hilton In Space - Gormless socialite Hilton has the trip of a lifetime when she is blasted into space in a one-man capsule. However, not all goes to plan when she discovers that the craft - funded by her family, friends and fans - is not equipped with any food, water or oxygen. Or any means to return to Earth.

Ready Steady Get out of here

Contestants include Claire Sweeny.

What happens, Bitter? I'm intrigued.

I haven't really thought it through, but it would definitely involve man traps and packs of rabid dogs.

Loose Women Wipeout with extra crocodiles.