I pooed on my skirt at work today

[silverbay]

Namechange

I am not a poo troll.

I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.

I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.

Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.

I got away with it.

I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.

Not so classic was when I had the rotovirus and was stark buck naked in my (luckily) bathroom vomiting and pooing myself on the bare wooden floorboards and all up the radiator.

And as I retched onto the bathroom floor I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever get the poo out of the cracks between the planks.....

Oh and the welder where I used to work who suddenly announced in the middle of a meeting that he had to go home beacuse he had just shat himself. That guy had BALLS I tell you.

Slightly shit-encrusted balls by the sound of it.

This thread has just gotten better and better!! Well deserved space in classics

Il tell you another-fart related one

I was having a girls night in with a group of my mates at about 19 or so, I was sat cross legged on the concrete floor (carpeted) when my friends brother (sex on 2 legs) came home and sat next to me () at that moment I felt I needed to fart but clenched to muffle the noise with my arse cheeks... Anywho once the fart started coming it sounded exactly like when you pinch the top of a balloon and let air out... High pitched so I relaxed a little and the fart rattled out reverberating off the floor in a sort of crescendo peaked by a god-awful stench... And i put the cherry on by word-vomming"better out than in" before i could stop myselfThe sexy brother PHSL and told all his mates too

We went to Boston for our honeymoom and stayed in apartment owned by a gay couple called hilariously Ed and B.J. I had a really upset stomach to the extent that I blocked their pristine toilet and my lovely new husband had to unblock it by scooping my shit out of the toilet with the teaspoon from the complimentary drinks and snacks tray as I sat mortified over a cereal bowl in case I had a reoccurrence. Not the idyllic start to our marriage that I had envisaged :)

It's so funny is this thread that you could actually shit yourself laughing.

Can I recommend the link to that other classic thread that's been posted a page or so back though? Because not only does it contain "Cube of Poo" but also, one of my particular favourites "Stench Bombing - an extra special mission for a Combat Carl Helicopter".

On the same lines, can anyone remember the Shitting Elf?

I couldn't understand why my boyfriend had sent me home.

Walking down the road I realised. Leaking period all. over. the. place. My jeans, his knee. I just died of shame. Have to say, he was lovely about it.

just reading all this with DH...he is crying laughing (me too) he says he was swimming in the sea with his brother and he needed a poo....so pulled down his budgie smugglers and did a dump. the poo promptly popped up behind DH who hadnt noticed....not until he got out of the sea to his brother pointing out the poo was now attached to his long hair.....he has just confessed that to me.

he would like to point out he was 16 then...

That's ok. Once I pooped during orgasm!! I'd had a bit of a dicky tummy and he decided on some butt plug fun. And well. The shame of pooping on his face ruined the relationship. I couldn't take the mr hanky jokes!!

Have absolutely PMSL at this thread. I have to add my poo story.

I had a free period at college and decided to take a walk.. I walked through a field, over a bridge, through 2 more fields... and then realised I really urgently needed to poo, I started walking very quickly with my bum clenched but very quickly realised there was no way in hell I would make it. It was completely dead with no-one about so I could have just squatted where I was but I was afraid of someone coming so climbed into the bush and let rip.

Full of relief and hanging onto a branch to keep my balance I rummage through my bag to find a tissue... there was none! The only thing I could find was my maths homework due in the next lesson.

So I'm squatting in this bush in the middle of no-where, scrunching up some maths homework trying to make it nice and soft.. when a fucking car drives past me!! Yes, that's right... this bush I had walked 3 fields to get to, backed right onto a road!

I was once in a fabric shop with my Mum, staring out of the window wondering when the hell she was going to be finished and we could leave. She could spend hours in those places. I turned around and there she is frantically waving at me, but trying not to be seen.

When I got there she hissed, 'Don't laugh, but I've just shit meself!'

When I stopped laughing I suggested she could use a fabric sample to make some clean knickers, but she belted me round the head and I had to walk behind her while she waddled to the loo. She sent me off to the market to buy new pants with the warning that if I bought a g-string or massive granny pants she'd kick me out.

Another time we were on holiday in Rhyll and while enjoying a day at the beach this dog walks along the path by the wall and did the biggest wee ever, leaving a huge puddle. My sister, about 12, came skipping back from the sea and upon seeing that her feet were all covered in sand decided to wash it off in the 'water' Cue my Mum shreiking and almost body tackling her out of the puddle while my sister happily jumped up and down in it like she was on a bouncy castle.

I've tried to post this three times over the last couple of days, but been too embarrassed, so here I go again:

Six years ago, DP lived with his parents. His bedroom was the converted loft up a really steep stair case. At the bottom of the stair case there was a door that had hinges in the middle of it so it concertinad, IYSWIM.

DP and I had been together for maybe two months and he had swept me off my feet. He treated me like I was a princess and lavished me with beautiful words and made me feel so sexy I thought my skin would burst. His parents went away so he invited me to stay at his house, which I'd never done before.

I drove to his house for about 7 and he had made a lovely extravagant meal and we watched a film and then we went to bed and had sex together for the first time and everything was amazing. He left for work the next morning and I said I'd wait for him to come home and went back to sleep.

I woke up around mid morning, desperate for a wee because I hadn't gone since I drove to his house the night before. I tried to open the concertina doors and couldn't, all the while getting more and more desperate. I couldn't. Understand why the fucking thing wouldn't open!

In the end, I ran back up the stairs and had to stand very still while I pissed myself I hen knew that I had to shower and sort te carpet out before DP got home, so waddled my way back down te stairs, only to find that you had to push the door and not pull them

I had a quick shower and then took several cups of water upstairs and 'rinsed' te carpet, then dried it with a hairdryer! I also found myself getting on all fours to sniff the carpet.

I have never told anyone that story.

My face hurts from laughing so much at this thread! OK here's my shit bucket story.

I completely did my back in a couple of years ago, also had sciatica down one leg, pain was massive and I could only hobble around very very slowly with no sudden moves as this would cause excruciating pain. I was on tramadol for the pain which had rendered my totally constipated, I had not done a poo for about a week.

Got food poisoning from some salad that DP hadn't flippin washed properly which kicked in during the middle of the night. Whatever nasty thing i'd eaten was able to cut through the tramadol constipation no problem. The toilet was in the room next to our bedroom but there was no way I could make it there to poo as was so stiff from being in bed and it hurt too much. DP had to get DD's tummy tub bath thing for me to poo in and had to help me get my PJ trousers down and sit on the bucket whilst I was starting to poo, then hold me on the bucket whilst I did the longest most enormous shit of my life. The first half was really hard because I'd been constipated for so long and was like bits of coal thunking into the bucket. Then it was liquid because of the dodgy food. I did just about manage to wipe my own arse, but DP then had to heave the bucket to the toilet and tip everything away.

I don't even fart in front of DP or wee in front of him, let alone poo. I can now laugh about the shit bucket episode but for months it made me cringe with shame!

The tummy tub was disposed of the next day, couldn't let DD use it after that.

I read this thread thinking "how funny, but nothing that bad ever happened to me"

Then memories started to surface...

Like about 6 yrs ago when I had a seriously bad gastric flu, & my lovely folks brought me back to their house (I'm a single parent) for a few days so that my dd could continue to go to school (I live 20 miles from her school & wasn't capable of driving with the dose I had).

I threw up constantly for 5 days, it got to the stage I had to throw up more urgently than I had to wee, so was kneeling at the loo throwing up which made me leak (wee) into my knickers which I then washed in the sink & then put in the airing cupboard to dry. I'm sure my mum wondered why I was washing my under crackers but she never asked.

Also when I was 18 I felt a bit ill during the last exam of my Leaving cert (I'm Irish) & ended up in hospital & had my appendix out the next day. Apparently this FILLS one's bowels with air...

My 18 yr old mates visited (several times-I was in for 5 days) and HOWLED every time I farted, which made me laugh too. Not good with stitches in ur tum - I has to hold them every time I laughed. My nickname on the ward was "Stitch" & I was soo shy I cringed every time it was used (have changed in the 22 yrs since!)

Well at least it wasn't Farty McFartpants...

Oh this thread just gets better and better! I laughed out loud at the Mum in the fabric shop "Don't laugh, but I've just shit meself"

Mums are definitely the best source of toilet humour!

This is the funniest thing I have ever read. The wet pebble, using a ham sandwich for bog roll, but the cluster of clits nearly finished me off. Totally classic.

Mines not too bad, was at a drinking and smoking session at a friends house when I needed to poo. Went to the loo and it was a cable like log An unsinkable. I had to hack it in half with a piece of broken tile I found in the bathroom and it did eventually flush after that. I didn't know what to do with the bit of shitty tile, so I threw it out onto the kitchen roof where it remained until my friend moved out

My moment happened when Ds2 was little. I was pushing him in his pushchair across a car park when I realised I urgently needed a poo. There was a loo in the car park, one of those automatic ones. So we went in there and I put him next to the door as I sat down on the loo in relief.

Only, I was mid-dump as he decided to play "press the pretty button" with the door opening button. I sat there with the door opening and closing with me on the loo in full view of everyone in the car park. DS2 was giggling his head off!

A kind lady parked her car in front of the door and then stood with her back to me as I finished!

Dh and me on our way back from honeymoon (weeks camping in Cornwall) and we stopped off at dh's cousins for the night. Went out and got seriously pissed on red bull and vodka (still can't face it now 10 years later ).

Anyway needed a wee in the middle of the night and thinking I was in the tent and could just go outside the door, climbed out of bed and proceeded to wee on the bedroom floor . Dh is panicing and pinched me really hard to make me stop - had a massive bruise for about a month on my thigh.

I never admitted it and dh WILL be divorced if he ever tells his cousin.

Wet pebble?!?

DD2 was two months old and had been constipated. She hadn't pooed for almost three weeks, but as a breastfed baby I was told not to worry, she would go eventually.
She did.
All over DH!!!!
We had gone out for the day with DD1 and my parents, it was the end of the day and we were just packing up after our picnic. DD2 had started to cry so DH picked her up, then found she had pooed. He held her upright as it had gone up her back and was leaking through her dungarees....he realised in horror it was still coming.....there was so much poo (yellow and the consistency of hot dog mustard) that the nappy couldn't cope and it was running down her little legs, dripping of her feet, running down DH's trousers and landing on his shoes
It was also on his hands, jacket sleeves, watch strap and making puddles on the grass

I was in absolute hysterics, at the sight of him stood there frozen to the spot, not knowing what to do with this little poo machine!

Luckily, I had taken a change of clothes for DD2, but poor DH had to drive the 2 hour journey home bare chested, with poo stained trousers.
DD1 refused to get in the car with 'the pooey baby' and went in my dad's car, probably just as well, it smelly pretty awful in the car! This is now a family legend known as "The Day DD2 did a Mustard Poo"

Ds1 is on the other computer and I was reading out some of the posts from this thread and the other older one. He is very concerned that us Mums talk only about poo!

You lot need to order The World of Poo :o

I once went for a poo (on a toilet, I feel I should clarify) and as it was coming out, I felt resistance. I remember thinking, 'oh bloody hell, this is going to be massive and clog the toilet'.

When I stood up to wipe, I realised I was still wearing a thong and had pooed right through it. I wasn't even drunk, just forgetful.

When DS1 was a couple of months old I ha to take both dogs to the vet for their injections. It was a hot day, DS was in shorts and tshirt. I got both dogs and the baby (in car seat) out of the car, and realised I had nowhere to put my credit card, so I slipped it down the side of DS1 in his seat.

Dogs inoculated, time to pay. I slipped my hand down his side for my card - and realised he had done the most enormous assplosion. BF baby poo had erupted up his back and trickled back down, filling the car seat. I slowly removed my hand and rather soiled card, whilst the vet looked at me like this: All I could say was "I suppose you'll want me to wipe this before I pay, so if you could give me a tissue..."

They should've been pleased it wasn't a chequebook.

that my shame is in Classics.

Since I'm already embarrassed I might as well tell this one;

Boyfriend was *ahem going down on me and as I came I pissed directly on his face.

Tried to cover by claiming female ejaculation (which he bought). It was piss though he smelt like it too sadly, he thought that after that, that I should 'ejaculate' every time and if I didn't I wasn't haven't a good time