I pooed on my skirt at work today

[silverbay]

Namechange

I am not a poo troll.

I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.

I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.

Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.

I got away with it.

I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.

I have another one for you I did post about it before, but I namechanged...

Sometimes my bowels are, erm, problematic. My morning routine goes something like this:

Alarm goes off, get up, go for a wee, try for a poo. Fail in having a poo, get up, go and let the dog out for a wee. While dog is weeing, my body decides it does need to shit, so I spend the next five or so minutes desperate for a crap. Dog comes back in, I pat her on the head, then go back to the toilet.

This particular morning, I realised that I was desperate and feeling a little off colour. As I waited for my dog, I was squeezing my non-poo muscles so tightly I was making funny little noises and a little bit squeezed out anyway As I waddled to the loo, a little bit plopped out without me noticing. So I finish on the toilet, step out of the bathroom and there it is. A perfect, round splodge of the darkest brown piece of shit I have ever seen. Right on the new cream carpet in DPs mothers house that we rent.

Of course, I panicked then because I heard DP stirring from teh bedroom, so I carefulyl covered it with my bag that I had thrown on the floor the previous evening, hopped back in to bed while DP showered and frantically psoted my tale of woe on MN, hoping someone would tell me how to clear it up without a stain.

I cannot breathe for laughing.

And I've been silently weeping as DH is having a snooze on the sofa.

"I'm so sorry Alan" -

And the farting granny who trumped all the way down the hall and back again when the postman (?) came to the door.

I am not going to go into detail but when I was on the loo earlier the biggest effing bumble bee I have ever seen got in through the window.

As I said, no details other than to add that I was being rather a busy bee myself at the time and therefore needed, after I had jumped off the loo and legged it, clean jeans, clean socks and a clean floor.

laughing my ass off at this thread.

Cupofbrownjoy - have you namechanged or is your username just incredibly funny in the context of this thread?

A woman on S and B has just bought a maxi skirt.......have warned her!!!!!!!

Marking place - page 10, post 232

To cut a long story short - I was with friends travelling in a minibus late at night when I had to be sick. Driver stopped to let me out and I was sick at the side of the road. Rummaged in my bag for a tissue but couldn't find one. All I could find was an (unused of course) sanitary towel that I used to wipe my face.

No namechange Willow!

Happy coincidence

I love this thread, ggirl - I've had the same thing with my Mum in M&S!

My totally Über SIL no kids has the tidiest house in the world and is always cleaning. You know the kind...give ds a cake and hoover around her whilst he is still eating.

So a while ago, SIL is following ds around as he is eating his rice krispie chocolate cake, trying to pick the bits up he drops. He's a mess, chocolate all over his face. The house is immaculate and SIL is making sure he doesn't touch or spill a drop. She notices a piece on the floor, picks it up, notices another piece on the floor, picks it up, notices another piece on the floor, picks it up and pops it into her mouth makes me think she cannot be that uber if she is doing that, gasps, chokes, runs around with tongue striking out, gagging....

Turns out that it was a lovely little boy turd not a rice krispie cake.

I have never laughed so much in my entire life.

I love this thread! My story:

My boyfriend and I were in Wetherspoons having lunch. I had a prawn starter (yup this is where things go downhill!) and it was delicious. I finished it and we were just talking when I had an awful feeling in my stomach...I thought it was just a fart but nope, it all came out and it was the most disgusting thing I've ever felt I told my boyfriend what had happened and I ran to the toilets. Had to bin my sexy, posh knickers and wait for my boyfriend to run to Peacocks to buy me new underwear and leggings. When I went back downstairs there was poo all over the chair so we cleaned it up and legged it. I've never felt so ill, it was so horrible!

I like the poo in the carrier bag story too Vivian

Dh was at a party once. As he had taken rather a lot of pharmaceuticals he had a dodgy and somewhat unexpected bowel movement in his pants. He made it to the toilet and promptly removed his undergarments. The trousers he managed to rinse but the pants were past the point of no return so he threw them out of the window. Unfortunately they got caught on one of the lower branches of the neighbour's tree. I do sometimes wonder if there's still a pair of shit-filled boxers hanging from a tree in Bath.

A friend of mine was also at a party once. She did a massive poo which got stuck in the u-bend. As there was a long queue outside the bathroom, she decided to fish the poo out throw it out of the window. Unfortunately the poo landed next to a bunch of people who were also at the party, smoking outside.

In 2000, I had a completely new bathroom/toilet put in, the whole thing (all the parts) turned around, retiled, new door ~ everything. So, the door is off, the new loo is in and working and the tiles are being put in. The man doing the tiles is not the man I employed, but the man that my man has employed so I really don't know him and he's not chatty, friendly or Human understanding!

I get the need to have a #2 and hang on for as long as possible until I cannot hang on a minute longer. I can't bring myself to ask him to leave the room, so I take a smallish waste paper bin and a carrier bag out to the garden shed, go inside, line the bin with the bag and...relief!! Thank God for the garden shed!

Another.

When I get scared I laugh and my bladder becomes unreliable! so I'm at work (in another life) and I'm dealing with a glass display fixture which is partially broken and if I undo the wrong part next (or even if I don't!), there's a good chance that it'll smash to the floor. Glass is somewhat frightening in its broken form. I start laughing , then start weeing, then start running to the loo's. Knickers off, washing them in the basin and into my locker, then have to work in a busy store with no drawers on until I can nip into M&S at lunchtime!!

There are others, but there is no way I'm sharing!

Thank you thank you thank you.

Just read the whole thread in one go. Having a vile night stuck in hospital syringing dioralyte into ds every 10 minutes in a vain attempt to avoid an iv.

Did not expect any of tonight to ne spent crying with laughter.

If I move i'm going to poo
I'm so sorry Alan
Don't laugh but I've shit meself.

I simply don't have the words!

Some of these are so funny! I have been giggling all morning luckily it's just me and DS up so noone is questioning the random outbursts!

When DS was about 6 weeks old, he projectile vomited a feed all over me. It was on my face, in my hair, on my clothes.... So I put him on a muslin covered changing mat, stripped off my clothes ( obv at home) to change him. While I was getting the clothes off I decided I change his nappy. Cue massive long piss all over me, the carpet, the changing mat.
I lifted him up, to change the sodden muslin, and propped him on my knee. As I was putting a new clean muslin down, I became aware that my leg was getting rather warm... Looked down to see mustard coloured bf shit running down my thigh into the carpet. So DS and I are covered in puke, piss and shit, and I am sitting there completely unable to do anything for fear of dripping some sort of bodily fluid around the rest of the (rented) house

Nobhead, I totally sympathise! We got married in Disneyworld, three weeks on an all inclusive type package that consisted of 3 full restaurant meals a day (2 of which were 3 course meals). Clearly the sheer amount of food had taken a huge toll on my system as on our last day, killing time waiting for our transfer to the airport we were wandering around one of the resorts. With no warning whatsoever I just started explosive pooing and couldn't stop . I had to crouch on the floor where I stood whilst my new DH ran to the nearest pool to get a towel to wrap around me so I could escape to the nearest toilets and clean up.

Once in the toilets I found out it was all over my sundress and there was no way I could have stripped off and stood at the sink to wash it incase someone came in. So I threw the dress in the bin and sent my DH a text asking him to go into one of the shops and buy something for me to change in to. He eventually returned with a multipack of Mickey Mouse knickers, a pair of red cropped jogging bottoms complete with Minnie Mouse print and THE most hideous multicoloured floral blouse I've ever seen. It looked like a clown had eaten mickey mouse shaped confetti, a box of neon crayola crayons and thrown up over it.

I'm not sure which part of the whole experience was more embarrassing, the pooing in public in disneyworld, listening to the woman who came into the toilets with her young daughter, spent ten minutes complaining about the awful smell and how disgusting some people are or having to walk back to our hotel, get the transfer to the airport, endure 9 hours on an airplane, make my way through gatwick wearing and the taxi journey home wearing THAT outfit!

A very embarrassing start to married life, but at least I now know not to trust DH to buy me clothing!

lthewife that is fantastic! You should be proud

I'm only half way down p5, laughing and really enjoying this, had gratefully forgotten any of my own experiences, until now, it's not funny, but it was desperate.

I was in Mongolia, out of a mixture of politeness, curiosity and stupidity I had eaten a lot of homemade dairy products that are turned into cheese type things by leaving them out in the sun and open air. Sometime later I was camel riding with some farmers who were out looking for their goats. I became overwhelmed by the need to poo, they did not speak english, AND we were in a flat desert area so there wasn't anything thide behind. I had to convince them to help me off my camel and leave me alone and for them to go on ahead while my bottom had the most vile experience ever. When I caught up with the farmers they'd settled and made a mongolian BBQ for lunch (which is not at all what we get here) and they gave me some warmed up ricks from the fire for my stomach!

Later, same holiday, I had a "massage", which was more like being beaten, I kept saying "ow" and trying to leave but she was fierce, a part of her technique seemed to be to manipulate my intestines, I survived and that night enjoyed some homemade vodka. I then spent the evening running back and forth from my tent to the toilet. There were some yaks milling about and they frightened me a little in the dark and I'd run past them as fast as I could. The last time I made it out (in the end I had to use the bin in the tent - ewww) I came face to face with a massive black and white yak and just started vomitting and pooing right there in front of it. I will never forget the face of the yak looking back at me. The next morning there was a kind mongolian man outside my tent leaving me a whole bottle of the homemade vodka saying it would help my stomach. I must have poo'd and vommitted all over the area that night, I was too embarrassed to look around for signs of my upset stomach!

I have read these over the course of a couple of nights, but have been chuckling all day.... My own exploits are (thankfully) confined to my own bathroom, but dd took against the idea of going to see the Banksy exhibition in Bristol and exploded all over my mother's car - ended up not only all over her but her car seat, the seat belt, the car itself, etc. I just didn't know where to start, it was one of those "WTF do I do now?!" moments, especially as I had forgotten to bring any spare clothes.... Where do such tiny tummies keep it all?!

Must just recount my worst experience to give credit to my dh.

We all had an awful stomach bug a few years ago. We were in bed, in between running to the bathroom to shit/be sick, and whilst I was still in bed I thought I wanted to fart. I genuinely stupidly thought it would only be a fart.

Of course it was a massive explosion of diahhroea and I could feel it all over me. I wasn't wearing anything in bed and I was covered in it, and so were the sheets.

Had to explain to dh what had happened. Felt so awful at this point that I just couldn't move off the bed. He got up, turned the light on, got some cleaning stuff and sponges, pushed me to the other side of the bed, washed me down, stripped the sheets off, washed the bed and remade it with fresh sheets and then got back into bed. The man was an absolute trooper. He actually had to wash shit off me.

Ha ha at being observed by large hairy Yak!

wrigle - that sounds like a fantastic experience, apart from the pooing!

I do have to say it has remained the most amazing place I've ever been, I'm not very well travelled and have travelled alopng the well worn path so this was really quite something At night with no one and nothing around you could literaly hear wings of birds flapping as they flew over head. It was a magical place. For some of it I was with a small group, we went horse riding one day, only I don't know how to ride a horse, so this Mongolian guy hopped on the back of my horse. I was a little uncomfortable with it at first but he was absolutley respectful and "drove" the horse while getting his dog to hunt mice (nice) and he sang. I was being serrenaded (in my mind) so I totally pretended to admire his dog's mice hunting ability! Of course I developed a massive crush and wondered for a while after if I could live that lifestyle. The "toilets" were usually outdoor things without water or paper let alone rooves, walls and doors, and the food was such that I had to go a lot, I was constantly emerging from a toilet to a group of men staring, politely, but it was awkward! You kind of want to smile and wave but it's not really the time for it iykwim!