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Original poster

I pooed on my skirt at work today

380 replies

silverbay · 29/03/2012 23:06

Namechange

I am not a poo troll.

I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.

I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.

Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.

I got away with it.

I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 31/03/2012 10:35

Oh cupofbrown straight into the clothes I was trying on........ white trousers no less
I did purchase them....... never wore them due to the unfortunate stains

Pontouf · 31/03/2012 13:24

OMG, have had to read this thread over 2 days cos I keep laughing so hard I can't breathe and have to have a little rest from it.

staring intently in M&S and i'm so sorry Alan were person favourites.

Anyway just remembered my own hideous poo story. We had a (really gorgeous) plummer round to fit some new taps in our bathroom. Just after he arrived I realised I needed a poo, but couldn't go as the plummer was in the bathroom (with our only toilet). I thought he'd only be a little while so I waited while he did the work. Unfortunately it was quite a difficult job and it took ages. I was getting cramps and starting to panic a bit. I didn't want to ask him if I could just pop in cos I didn't want the smell to be lingering around while he worked (slightly silly I know).
Anyway it turned out he needed some kind of special washer or something and had to nip to a supplier to get it. Brilliant I thought, I can pop in now - I was pretty desperate by this point. As soon as he left I went straight in and did the most enormous log of a poo I've ever see in my life. Went to flush the loo but realised he'd (obviously) turned the water off! Couldn't turn it back on cos the taps were still off the basin and wasn't sure if water would go everywhere. He had told me he was going to turn the water off and i'd filled the kettle earlier so i could still make tea while he worked. I rushed downstairs and grabbed the kettle full of water and tried to use it to flush the monster poo down. Nothing. Just wasted all my tea water.Was starting to really panic cos this thing stank! I ended up having to don disposable gloves and fish the bloody thing out of the loo, bung it in one of DS's nappy bags and put it in the wheelie bin outside. Managed to do it just as plummer got back. Stupidly I realised later that in my haste I'd left the kettle on the bathroom windowsill above the loo. God knows what he thought

YNK · 31/03/2012 13:40

My gorgeous new baby DD was having a bare bum kickabout on the changing mat just as DH was coming in from work.
To add to her naked gorgeousness I tied a big ribbon (from the bouquet of flowers he bought me following her birth) to her ankle before opening the door to him.
When my back was turned she had a huge watery shit and her little kicking legs used the ribbon as a giant paintbrush!
She was covered from head to foot as well as a wide area of the floor around the mat! His face was a picture!

CupOfBrownJoy · 31/03/2012 14:22

I've just read a couple of these to DP, he's wetting himself laughing (not literally ladies )

I haven't owned up to my own story though - do I read it to him and pretend its someone elses?

Moominsarescary · 31/03/2012 14:48

Can't stop laughing

QED · 31/03/2012 14:51

Have been sitting here laughing A Lot

I'm sure I remember a thread once where people said their children often needed to poo in libraries. And people also discovered the same thing seemed to happen in book shops as well. Can't remember if anyone had any ideas why it happened.

itchitch · 31/03/2012 14:51

Must share some poo anecdotes from my dd. Her friend had spent the night at a new boyfriend's flat - had only had a couple of dates. He had to go to work early in the morning so he told her to let herself out and just close the door behind her. She then did a poo in the loo and it wouldn't flush. She decided that it was far too embarrassing to leave it there festering all day to be found later so she fished it out of the loo and put it in a plastic bag. She then put it down on the side for a moment whilst she wrote him a note and then let herself out of the flat. As the door closed she realised she had left the poo, in a carrier bag, on the kitchen worktop next to the note! Couldn't get back in and of course, she never heard from him again!!

Also, we were staying with friends for a week between house moves a while ago. Friend was out and dd needed a poo (has a history of doing wopping ones (sp?) Did a massive one in the loo and it wouldn't flush! While trying to flush it the shower was making some ominous noises too. She panicked and said she had to get rid of it so took a tupperware container from the kitchen and scooped the poo out of the loo. We were both screaming with the grossness of it by then and laughing hysterically! She emptied the offending item into the upstairs loo and then came down and cleaned and bleached the container tio within an inch of its life! Sorted.

When friend came home, her ds wanted a snack so she proceeded to take out THE tupperware container and filled it with - yes you've guessed it! Raisins!!!! We just had to make our excuses and leave to go to the shops and practically wet ourselves on the way (think sore stomach!).

QED · 31/03/2012 14:54

Some poos in various places here, including libraries

QED · 31/03/2012 14:57

Oh and it's got the cube of poo on it (hadn't realised when I posted the link)

nevertoolate · 31/03/2012 15:29

This is the best thread on mumsnet I've ever read.
So I'll have to add my bit.
I was at a dance class and needed to change my tampon but didn't know where the toilets were. Someone offered to show me, and she took me to a big changing room with just one toilet cubicle at the end of the room, you know, the ones that have open bottoms (fnar) and tops so you can hear everything. She said "you can go first", so I did. I tried to do the tampon thing really quietly, but as I was putting the applicator in the bin thing, it fell off the top of the bin and rolled out from under the cubicle and slowly rolled across the changing room floor. This other woman must have been just standing there not believing her eyes. I flushed the loo and went out and just thanked her for showing me where to go, but now I wish I'd had a laugh with her about it rather than just ignoring it...

... but, not half as funny as some of the ones in here, hilarious!!!

Gemtubbs · 31/03/2012 17:18

Just remembered one that happened to me a while ago

I was staying at my bf's parents house. In the morning I went for a poo but it wouldn't flush, and every time I flushed the water got higher. Went to get my bf and he came down and tried as well with no success. Then he said "I'll let my mum know, she'll know what to do." I was like Nooooo! You can't tell your mum! We went out the garden and got a stick to try and unblock the toilet, but the stick got stuck in there so it was a toilet filling up with water and shit with a stick poking out of it! So we got another stick and we had to try and unblock it and get the first stick out. It unblocked and we threw the sticks out the garden and then 2 more flushes it was gone. He did tell his mum and we all had a good laugh about it.

drywhiteplease · 31/03/2012 17:54

Went to a 'step and tone' class this morning.loads of squats.kept thinking and giggling about this thread.
Am trying to pluck up courage to tell my other story....far worse than slipping in ds poo and knocking self out one earlier.

CupOfBrownJoy · 31/03/2012 17:59

come on drywhite, you can't leave us hanging

do it, do it, do it

Gemtubbs · 31/03/2012 18:11

yes come on drywhite :)

drywhiteplease · 31/03/2012 19:03

Ok as long as we keep this between just us!I have never told anyone this before.

Many years ago I was taken out for a lovely dinner in Windsor by a boyfriend I had been seeing for a year or two by them. As we walked to the car park I really needed to go to the loo.It hit me way after we had left the restaurant.you know that feeling,you go for a couple of hours not needing the loo and then once you go you need to go every 30min after that.well,it was a bit of an urgent wee with a slight poo too.by the time we got to the car I realised I would not last the 30 min drive home...I was bursting. I was in a huge dilemma because having a wee au naturel was a possibility but already embarrassing enough but I wasn't sure I could squeeze enough to keep the poo in. Panic set in. In the end my bf said just do a quick wee in front on the car (we were parked in a corner of a large c park) I just had to risk it. Did not mention the poo possibility. But I had no choice. Discretely ducked down in front of the car and ,guess what, you can't just do a wee, bloody hell the poo came out too, and the bastard had turned the head lights on and reversed away!!!!!!!!!
In those days I was a complete wallflower...if it had been me now I would have gone berserk but in those days I just felt completely mortified and hoped he had not seen the huge turd that came out of my not so refined bottom!

As an aside....Someone earlier said they had never farted infront of their DP.my good female friend claims she just never farts....I am certain this is a physical impossibility, any doctors out there? It really has been bugging me for a few years but she and her dh insist it's true!

CupOfBrownJoy · 31/03/2012 19:18

oh drywhite

Did the relationship survive poogate?

ggirltwin2pinot · 31/03/2012 19:21

drywhite-why the fick did he reverse and turn the headlights on?...bastard
but also hahahahaha you poor thing

ggirltwin2pinot · 31/03/2012 19:21

gae and confidence is a wonderful thing isn't it
the things we put upwith/are too embarrassed to admit to when we're young!

ggirltwin2pinot · 31/03/2012 19:22

age

susiedaisy · 31/03/2012 19:28

"my mum did that in sainsburys a while back

she sneezed really loudly and then farted like a gun being fired! really loud and there was a man stood nearby who jumped with shock and gave her the most hilariously disgusted look and walked off i was a tiny bit close to pissing my pants laughing!"

nomoremarbles so-so funny I have roared with laughter!!

drywhiteplease · 31/03/2012 19:30

The relationship ended shortly afterwards.......how ca you marry someone who gives you a casserole dish for Xmas,a spice rack for your birthday and thinks its funny to illuminate you doing an al fresco pee(and poo)!!!!! My dh is much nicer....and I occasionally pass wind in his presence but object loudly when he lets rip!

teenyweenytadpole · 31/03/2012 19:35

Oh dear, you poor thing but lol! To pick up the period-related embarassment, I went on holiday with my friend and her parents to a static caravan in well-next-the-sea (wild) when I was 15. We had to make the beds up every night as we were sleeping in the living area. I also "leaked" onto my bedsheet, right in the middle of it. The stain was clearly there and very visible all week long, every time we made up the beds. I can't help thinking if I had been her Mum I would either have done a stealthy sheet wash in the loos, or even nipped out and bought a new sheet. But no, there it was, as large as life every time we made the beds.

drywhiteplease · 31/03/2012 19:36

I'll also tell you, I'm on a roll now and about to go out to dinner with v refined people who would pass out if they knew what I am capable of............I can't look at Monets water lilies without thinking about the time I went to Giverny with dh(before we were married ) and another couple. We had had artichokes the night before (in our family known as fartichokes) and while walking single file along the banks of the famous water Lilly lake with me infront, I accidentally let an SBD escape.thought I wd get away with it being outdoors, but no,god it nearly killed dh and my friends,tried to blame French sewage but they knew! Mortified!!!!!!!

DeepPurple · 31/03/2012 19:52

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets Fri 30-Mar-12 22:10:03
"This thread is the only one that has made me laugh out loud. The rears are streaming here!

Ha ha great typo!

PluckedViolets · 31/03/2012 20:00

"Cluster of Clits" fuck-ing hell

Here's mine. At work one day in an open plan office. NO one near me as I stood waiting for my print out. Let out THE most disgusting smelly (but silent) fart I had ever produced. No one sees me so I saunter back to my desk at the other side of the office.

Que two members of marketing having a ferious ding dong about said fart "Was it you?", "It wasn't ME mate, must have been you!" etc etc etc

I was too busy pmsl on the other side of the office watchig them bicker like two old ladies.

Classic

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