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I pooed on my skirt at work today

380 replies

silverbay · 29/03/2012 23:06

Namechange

I am not a poo troll.

I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.

I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.

Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.

I got away with it. Blush

I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.

OP posts:
5babyangels · 30/03/2012 23:51

This is such a funny thread just realised I have a pop story too.....recently been v poorly and had reaction to antibiotics...result terrible diarrhoea and putrid farts! Problem I have never farted in front of dh, silly but true! During poorliness a waft of fart from a sewer from hell would waft into the room! All the family were looking for a rougue nappy that might have escaped! God what's the smell, in the end I had to join in as couldn't admit it was my arse! In end took self to bed where farting although still dangerous wasn't as disturbing! Blush

storytopper · 30/03/2012 23:52

Tears streaming, face soaking, wheezing so much from laughing I'll have to look for my inhaler.

Best thread ever!!!!

fuckwittery · 30/03/2012 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekLove · 30/03/2012 23:58

My most recent one concerns the then six week old ds2 last year. From having ds1 I was well versed with newborns windy bums and their ability to launch bf poo over great distances. This meant that whenever ds2 had a bare bum he would always be on a muslin 'runway' to protect from poo.
So one warm Saturday I was just getting him dresses only for him to grunt and squeeze out a solid arc of yellow poo, clearing the poo runway and landi g squarely in the lap of my dressing gown instead.
I have to say I was impressed by his capacity that day.

fussbucket · 31/03/2012 00:00

Don't worry fuckwittery, I still haven't worked out how to find classics and i'll bet half the rest of MN haven't either.

drywhiteplease · 31/03/2012 00:02

What are classics?

gingerpig · 31/03/2012 00:06

I feel the need to clarify that there are loos in m&s Salisbury Grin

fussbucket · 31/03/2012 00:09

Once in a while, the Goddesses of MNHQ decide that something in Chat is just too wonderful to allow to disappear due to the 90 day rule, and save it for evermore in a special place called Classic Threads. Which I once found by accident and spent a whole afternoon of my life (which I will never get back) PMSL in.

mybabyweightiseightyearsold · 31/03/2012 00:13

Yep, what's classics, and where do we find them?

I'll make you tell me by sharing my poo story...

Taking kids to outdoor park place, to show I'm a great mum. You know, the sort of place where there are good sticks to find, stones to chuck in streams. Nice place to take your dog for a walk.

DD(3) falls off a log, brains herself. Blood everywhere, hysterics. I'm mopping her up with my solitary wet wipe, DS (18 months) ignoring the racket, wandering around with a pine cone.

Wasn't until he bit the pinecone that we realised that it was, in fact, a very large, very firm, dog jobbie.

DD in hysterics again, "mum, mum, it's in his teeth!" And, I had no more wet wipes.

Bluuurrrrrgggggh. Fucking dogs.

fussbucket · 31/03/2012 00:15

OMG mybabyweight!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 31/03/2012 00:16

Mumsnet classics. hpurs of entertainment on a soggy day. Grin

slacklucy · 31/03/2012 00:20

my friend & I were on a sponsored walk, about halfway around & in the woods my friend developed stomach cramps & suddenly had to go! She dived in to a big bush thing & did the business while i stood patiently at the side of the bush.
All the other walkers came past giving me a cheerful "hello" when all i could hear was my friend groaning about no loo roll in the bush behind me.

mybabyweightiseightyearsold · 31/03/2012 00:33

Fussbucket - the weirdest thing was when we got to playgroup...
"you'll never guess what happened to us this morning..."
recounted the yukky story.
Slightly prim and proper uber mum type "ohmygoodness, what did the hospital say?"

Aye, right. Like you'd go to a+e with a story of "I've let my kid eat crap"
"well, cut down on sugary snacks and drinks, try to get five a day..."
"no, no, no, you don't understand, I've let my kid eat an ACTUAL crap!"

I'm not a great mum, that much is clear, but I'm not an idiot.

Sheesh, what did the hospital say? Muppet.

MadameChinLegs · 31/03/2012 00:36

Rather a lot of beer is making me share this......I have two incidents.

(1) young teenage me, on my period, at a friends house. For some reason, I had either been told to, or didn't know not to, rip a used sanitary towel in half and flush it down the loo (don't worry, I realised pretty quick that it was not the correct way to dispose of them). Well, this day, I ripped a used towel, flushed it down friends loo, went off to do whatever. Cue friends mum coming in to asked if one of us had spilt red pen over her bathroom rug? Blush I said nothing. In hindsight, years later, I think how stupid of friend's mother to think it was red ink? Common sense would have made her realise what it was, and either speak to us about it or clean up and never mention it.

(2) at an old job, I instructed outdoor pursuits, and had a group who I had taken to the Rifle's Shed for a lesson on shooting. By the end of the hour and a half, I was desperate for a wee, and the nearest loos were a good ten min walk away. Well, I think the teacher must have thought I was a nutcase as I practically chased her and her students out of the shed with the aim of racing for the nearest loos. By the time they had all gone, I realised I wouldn't be able to make it and thought "well, when in need" and moved to the back of the shed where there were a stack of hay bales etc, thinking I'll crouch down and pee behind those. I couldn;t get my trousers off in time, and ended up peeing myself Blush. Thankfully (arf) it was raining really heavy outside, so I took off my fleece, tied it round mmy waist and rolled up my trousers, cropped style and practically ran back to my room to change, thankful that I was soaked from head to foot in rain so was able to hide my embarrassment.

Phew....gkad to get that off my chest.

chipmonkey · 31/03/2012 01:40

the cube of poo thread and Ellaroo's river of sweetcorn

giraffesCantDonateBoneMarrow · 31/03/2012 02:12

I could tell you lots of poo stories my friends and I had from our teen years - we all met at a teen eating disorder support group and it quickly turned in to an eating disorder encouragement group who met outside therapy and took laxatives and discussed vomiting tips. Lets just say taking 10x the recommended dose of dulcolax almost daily and trying to hide it from your family is very difficult!!

JustHecate · 31/03/2012 07:34

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

This cannot go in classics.

wannabestressfree · 31/03/2012 07:47

I have crohns disease and have pooed in the following........
A nappy
A trainer in the car
By the side of the motorway........ lorries going past lots of beeping........
a carrier bag
A changing room in Top Shop
A garage forecourt

Have had numerous accidents too and it is rancid and loose [sorry for TMI]

I have no poo shame :}

DressDownFriday · 31/03/2012 08:20

I will never tie my jumper/coat around my waist again just incase a mnetter passes and thinks I've shit myself.

CupOfBrownJoy · 31/03/2012 08:29

"A changing room in Top Shop"

Into a bag or just on the floor? Shock

poor you Sad

bagelmonkey · 31/03/2012 08:47

I used to work in a nursing home. One lovely old man who lived there & had dementia had completely forgotten all the poo rules.
One morning he came walking along the corridor with his zimmer frame, trousers & pants around his ankles, everything on show, with a trail of (fortunately very well formed) poos trailing behind him and another one on it's way out.
On another occasion he walked along carrying a special gift in his outstretched hand, but had managed to re-dress himself apart from buckling his belt.
And one day a poo just exited from the bottom of his trouser leg as he walked along.

muchtooearly · 31/03/2012 09:27

I have literally cried laughing at this thread, particularly the unintentional typos!

To share a couple of my own horrors (having namechanged of course!):

Third first date with hot guy, we end up in bed, shagging enthusiastically.

I had started a period about 3 days previously. My periods are a bit mad, often very heavy but can last anything from 4 to 14 days. This time it had finished the morning of the date. Or so I thought...(you can see where this is going can't you)

While we were having sex, I did think it felt wet down there, but as it had been a while I assumed I'd just forgotten what was normal Blush

In fact I had bled copiously. Everywhere. We were both covered from the waist down, my bed looked like a crime scene.

All credit to him, he was entirely unfazed (though I was mortified) and claimed it was a massive turn on and went down on me to prove it. Then we both had a shower, changed the bed and did it again - with much the same outcome.

One that happened to me only this week:

We have a loo at work with 4 cubicles. I normally avoid one of them because the loo in it is a bit dodgy and doesn't always flush properly. A few days ago I went racing in there rather desperate for a poo. All the other cubicles were occupied except the dodgy one, so had to go in. Poo done - thankfully without noise or significant odour - I flush.

The bowl fills. Water comes up to the brim, and then subsides.

Poo has not moved.

I flush again. And again. And again. And the fucker does not move an inch. I start to think I'm going to have to put my hand in and fish it out, or cover it with loo paper and sneak out.

In the end, after 10 flushes it finally retreated.

whackamole · 31/03/2012 09:34

I have laughed so much at this thread!

None so much as when OH asked me why I was laughing and I said 'I am so sorry Alan'. The had to explain as was creasing up so much!

*Yes, his name is Alan!

Thingiebob · 31/03/2012 09:47

Laughing at 'poo rules' ...

youarekidding · 31/03/2012 09:49

"a cluster of clits"
"rears are streaming"

Grin

I have my period atm and IBS and so afraid to laugh as much as I want at this thread for fear of any of the above happening! Blush

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