I pooed on my skirt at work today

[silverbay]

Namechange

I am not a poo troll.

I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.

I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.

Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.

I got away with it.

I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.

Oh dear, just realised I've got THREE! All thankfully a good time ago. Ok, I'll list in ascending order of awfulness...

1. Sitting in library at uni, needing to fart, farting, following through in very tight, light jeans - deciding the only thing for it is to get my bike and ride straight home (not to go to the loo and clean myself up there and then for some reason?!) Anyway, there's a one-way street that takes me quickly from library to home, which, to be honest, I rode up the wrong way all the time, so sod it, belting it up there and along comes... a police man! Stops me and thank god my pleading of 'I'm so sorry, I'm really not well and need to get home!!!!!!' worked and he let me go. So fine. Keep peddling, it's about a 15 minute ride and frankly, I stink (maybe it was that rather than the pleading that had policeman sending me on my way!) and have to slog it up a hill... so SO relieved when pull into my front garden, fling bike and run into house... only to be greeted by flat mate blocking the bottom of the stairs - 'how was your day? what are you up to tonight...' etc. etc. Remember, I STINK! I somehow made my excuses of dying for a wee and finally, FINALLY managed to peel myself out of poor violated jeans in the privacy of my own loo!

1. Period one. Leaked all over office chair. Did NOT know what to do. There was a spare desk with a chair in my office, so swapped it for that and hoped for the best. About a week later area manager decides to join us and pulls out that chair - horrified sounds ensue. Obvious what it was, but not WHO. I tried my best to deflect but not sure how successfully... In fact I am, EVERYONE knew I'd swapped my chair. Still never confessed. How could you?!

1. I'm listing this as worst, but actually, on reflection, how can I compare one against the other?! So this time, I'm on the underground, and suddenly, SUDDENLY need to wee. Not just 'need', but 'have to'. Literally, it's coming. I'm at one of the low down lines - central I think - and so a long way from a loo. Manage to get myself onto escalator, telling myself 'just make it to the outdoors and there SHALL be a loo', but nope, bladder having none of that. It starts to come. I look behind me, miraculously, there's NOBODY behind me. I just let it all go. A whole wee! Wee all the way up the escalator! I still can't believe it looking back! God was definitely on my side that day! Central london and not a single person behind me! I actually remember it was at Oxford circus station, so again the chances of there being no people behind all but nil, and secondly, I was clearly on my way out rather than home - cannot remember for the life of me what I did next! Carry on with my shop?!

Ahh, thinking about it just remembered what I did do - turn around and go straight down the other escalator and home, but just remembered I was wearing tan, soft leather driving shoes and that they were FILLED with wee, and that everywhere I walked on the way home, a) I left foot prints and b) made squelching sounds! Oh dear!

Ack, have just been reminded of my own period nightmare.

I was 14, and at the stage of having had a few periods, so being as confident as you get as an early teen. I noticed I'd started one evening, so slapped on a pad and went off to meet my best friend for our weekly st John ambulance first aid cadet meeting (yep, we were cool)

We had been there about 45 minutes, and we were sitting on a table (ooh, rebels) instead of chairs watching a bandaging display. I had a weird feeling of gushing, but ignored it. 10 minutes later I got up, and my friend grabbed me, asking "OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?". I'd been sitting in a pool of blood - my first experience of flooding. I knew what it was. I had no idea of she did too, so, in a panic, I yelped something about having cut my thigh open earlier, and that the wound must have reopened, so I had better go home for a bandage.

Naturally, her reaction was to try to stop me and reason that there were plenty of bandages, and that I was in the best place for medical attention to my, er, "wound". I ran.

Funniest story I have was when my cousin and I and our respective children were on holiday together in France.

My cousin was anaemic and had been prescribed iron tablets by her GP, that she was taking. She'd complained that they'd given her somewhat of an upset stomach.

Anyway, one evening, I cook nice pasta, creamy sauce, salad. Wine. We decide to go for an after-dinner stroll in the countryside near where we're staying. Children stay behind at the house to hang out.

We'd walked about a mile when suddenly my cousin stops mid-conversation, glances around desparately and hisses at me 'I need the loo - the pasta's gone straight through me'. I helpfully point out the fields nearby (behind a small country house). She starts hobbling towards the spot - then says - 'it's too late! I'm shitting myself!'.

She continues hobbling to behind hedge in field - I stay by roadside, slightly hysterical (not really knowing the etiquette of what one does when a relative shits themselves, I stood there shaking with laughter). As I stood there, all manner of explosive bowel sounds filtered from behind the hedge, with my poor cousin saying, in astonishment, 'it keeps coming out! I can't stop it!'.

We were then faced with the dilemma that she now had no useable knickers or trousers (they were cream) and were stuck in rural France. So, I ran, still hysterical, over the fields, back to the house. Cue kids asking what I'm doing and where's my cousin gone. Cousin's teenage daughter asks why I'm getting clean clothing and a toilet roll. I mumble something about her being sick. I jump into car, drive to field, lob clothing and loo roll and plastic bag at cousin and let her get on with the clean up. She buries shit-covered pants in the field (God knows what the farmer made of that) and we head home.

Her daughter, when we got back, was MORTIFIED. She kept saying 'mum, that's soooo disgusting. I can't believe you did that. I'm going to tell dad. Ewww.' She phones her father, informs him that 'mum's pooed herself, it's so gross', whilst I continue to giggle helplessly.

Oh my, your poor cousin

That's absolutely fricking hilarious!

Surprisingly this thread has been a good cure for my all day morning sickness - laughing so much.

My poo story involves my mil (who I totally love) but I actually thought it had involved my dog.

Was sat chatting away to MIL as usual one morning over a cup of tea at my house, when she made a quick exit upstairs to loo. I didn't really think much of it as was also keeping an eye on my young son at the time. Anyway, I picked up my son to take him upstairs to get him changed for the day, when I came across a small but perfectly formed poo on the stairs.

Cue me shouting "Fraaank" (dog aforementioned) "What have you done?" and was just about to send him outside and go get the gloves and Vanish spray when a sheepish MIL appeared on the landing from the bathroom...

Yes that's right my MIL pooed on my stairs!

I have to say I can't believe she admitted it - I would totally have let the dog take the blame!

Poor Frank!!

This has got to be the funniest thread EVER!

The couple trying to poke the poo down the toilet - priceless.

My own contribution involves OH.
It was many years ago when we were students, on holiday - Portugal. Camping.
He'd had queasy tummy from something he'd eaten (?in Morocco), but nothing had "emerged" as it were.

We had an early night - other campers were happily partying into the night etc.
OH wakes in shock and grabs clothes, wrapping a towel round himself and runs out into the night.
Yes, he'd let it all go in his sleep.
I'm left with a pooey/stinky sleeping bag (thank heavens we had separate bags!) which I duly traipsed over to the outdoor sinks to rinse off - nice.

Remember half the camp site is still awake and poor OH had to stand in the toilet block, covered in shit, waiting for a shower to become available. Cringe.

Mind you, he felt much better the next day and the sleeping bag dried off in no time in the lovely sunshine.

Happy days.

Got to add my bit...

I once started a period at school whilst not wearing a pad. Thank god my trousers were black. My knickers were ruined so I took them off.

WHY?? Why did I do that? What was going to stem the flow now??? If I'd been even a tiny bit smarter I'd have realised that at least I could have wadded up some toilet paper and shoved them in my knickers. I was far too embarrassed about periods to ask anyone for a pad, even the school nurse!

I sat through the next lesson sweating about the possibility that my period was leaking out through my trousers and was going to leave a very red patch on the chair. Also, sans knickers, my trousers were being eaten by my arse.

I really can't remember what the outcome was. I could SMELL my own period wafting around. Back then, 'Always Ultra' didn't exist, so even if I had a pad on it was one of those mattress 'Dr White' kind and they stank...

I once went for a cig at work. I sat in my car with the door open. I needed to fart but ended up sharting. I have no idea why, as I didn't have a dodgy stomach or anything. I had to go into work and tell my colleague that I'd had an accident. She didn't understand at first. I said 'I have to go home and change... erm... well look I really really need to go home.' She twigged but didn't bat an eyelid. She just told me to go then. Care workers have seen and heard it all :D

And this one didn't involve my own poo but...

I went to an agricultural college. It had it's own farm. Part of my college 'uniform' was a pair of steel toe capped Doc Martens. I had been tramping around the farm all afternoon. I got on a public bus, sat down, and put my foot up on the radiator. I thought nothing of it until I heard 'EWWWW Veena have you shit yourself? Omg it stinks! Who FARTED?!'

Took my foot off the radiator...

I killed the thread? :(

Mine is from a v long time ago when I was 10. I hated needlework but had to do it at school, and was also a bit weird so instead of sewing I chewed on a long piece of quite sturdy thread, and ended up swallowing it.

A couple of days later I went for a poo, there were several small turds came out, when I stood up, there were all the poos threaded on the thread, which was dangling down from my bum. Try as I might, pushing yeilded nothing.

Eventually I called for my DM, who got some scissors and cut the thread, releasing the string of poos into the toilet. I was mortified

Oh TPP that's made me LOL!!!

I kid you not, I pooed on my bridesmaid dress, a pink Jordan-esque bridesmaid dress. It was my older db's wedding. I couldn't get it all off because of the fabric no matter how hard I tried. My younger db was sitting beside me in the reception party and bent down and picked up the hem of the dress, rubbing it to clean it asking, what's that?? I was about 22 years old!

thank goodness for this thread. Many years ago I had a temporary ileostomy (like a colostomy-bag) and suffered several accidents.

Even though it was reversed and I am now 'normal' I still have nightmares about it regularly. This thread shows me this is actually common for everybody.

It was only for 12 months, 15 YEARS ago and I do still have genuine nightmares. Thank you.

Further from Alias post above...

who thought "OMG I am a disgusting person, I must be the only person in the world who has ever done this" before reading this thread? And who now feels a little less silly as a result?

I do! And I havent even posted my worst story(ies) on here!

Nope, no embarrassing poo stories for me.

You disgusting people.

I can honestly say I have personally, never had an embarrassing shit related incident. The Dcs on the other hand...
DS, can't have Ben more than a few months old, and decided to have one of those endless poo moments. We were out shopping, and he managed to get through 4 sets of clothes! It came out of the sleeves, the legs, the waist bands... He must have shit his own weight in excrement! He travelled home wrapped in my t shirt!

DD, went through a poo fetish stage! She would have been about 1/1-5yo. She was a fab sleeper, and if I put her in her cot, she would just lay there and drop off in her own time. Until... The day she discovered that she could get her nappy off! She would shit in it, then remove it and wipe the ahit over every inch of her body! As it was warm, she would contentedly drop off to sleep, only to wake up when it had cooled, set and started to sting! I'd have to put her in the bath and scrape it off with my finger nails!
I tried everything, to keep her nappy on. I sellotaped it, used gaffer tape, staples... In the end, I had to sew her into her vest! She is 13 now, I'm glad to say that she did grow out of it in the end!

There was also the moment when the disposable nappy failed, due to the large amout of crap enclosed. A huge dollop of splatty poo hit the carpet. Quick as a flash, the dog leapt in, and swallowed the dollop whole!

Pinkpussycat That has made me collapse but having to do it silently so as not to wake DD. String of poos

This happened to me on Monday but I've only just recovered sufficiently to be able to post.

DS had a bit of a D&V bug and passed it on to me (well just the D part) so thought I was OK, took DD to pre-school and sharted as I got out of the car. Had to take her in hoping noone would notice (or blame DS if they did) and avoid all eye contact so that I didn't have to stop and chat with any of the mums. Poor DS had to miss his play group so I could go home and sort myself out.

This has NEVER happened to me before ? I blame this thread .

Ahh, Hapless This has NEVER happened to me before ? I blame this thread

The power of the Poo Skirt Thread is mighty indeed.
Let that be a lesson to all Poo Skirt newbies.......

DD2 currently has a spot of nappy rash, so is having a lot of time with a bare bum and of course the accidents are commensurate.

Last night, DD1 (age four) dragged me over to a little round brown thing on the rug, shrieking Mummy, Mummy, DD2 did a POO on the CARPET!!!

I inspected it very closely while she stood there, then leaned over, picked it up and put it in my mouth. DD1 was so horrified she was speechless.

It was a baby pinecone.

(Luckily - my eyesight is not as sharp as it once was and the joke really could have backfired like no other, I suppose)

No poo tales of my own, but a period one.

I was 11 and. I siting a boy from school in hospital. He'd broken his leg in a rugby match that we were both playing in, and as this was oly, like, my 6thperiod I had no idea when it'd turn up. We sat here for 3 hours chatting. I was perched on the end of his bed... I ran off screaming bu apparently the nurses did a very good job of disguising the fact hat there was period all over his sheets

DH's sharting tale - we were working together and he went to the loo. He got back to is desk and texted me to ask if he had any spare undercrackers in the car. He then asked me to use the excuse of no Tampax to our MALE boss, because that would be an acceptabl excuse to nip to th shops, whereas him crappung himself and needing new boxers was too embarrassing. I went one better and offered to do a KFC run for the whole team

Thank you Pussycat...

Reading yours reminded me of when the exact thing happened to me. I had forgotten all about it until now!

I did not have a rescuing mother on hand however so I tried to yank the string out with my hand as half of it was still stuck up my arse. No matter how hard I yanked (and I yanked HARD!! I was a bit desperate and scared) it would not budge.

I remember thinking that the string must have tied itself around my intestines in a strong knot and I may DIE!

Too embarrassed to ask for help and and admitting defeat i walked away with the string neatly curled up inside my knickers...

I did not die and I must have managed to poo it out the next day.

Dd age 3 was once in bed with us at night.

I woke up about 4.30am, and could smell shit. I couldn't find anything, so woke up dh, who found and removed a small turd obviously done by dd (at least I presume it was DD!) It didn't leave a stain, but it was on his side of bed. So he decided to get into dd's bed, and we would deal with sheets in the morning (I know, but it was 4;30am). Dd decided to follow dh. I checked her over for any stains, but could find nothing. DD gets into bed with DH.

5 minutes later serious shouting and swearing from dh. "I can bloody smell shit in here....Christ it's all over her, why didn't you see it?"...........I am as blind as a bat without my specs and I forgot to put them on in all the muddle.

DH swearing and washing himself and dd in bathroom at 4.45am. I meanwhile can STILL smell shit. Put specs back on, and discover my legs are covered in hard dried on crap all over them (similar to a fake tan in a way). I had obviously been lying in it unknowingly for hours.

Rush screaming into bathroom. Start arguing with dh about who has running water priority in this situation. Dd in, bath, dh at sink and me with no water. The smell was unbelieveable.

Arguing wakes up ds................

ChocDee my long lost sister! I was sure I was the only one in the whole wide world.

The down side of having a DM to assist is that there were then 2 people in the household who are aware of what happened. I suspect this is part of the reason why I remember it so well...

Both memories are still very active - we have had a chuckle about it since a couple of times! I am nearing 60 and DM is in her early 80's. That's a long time to share a memory like that particular one