Middle Ages Mumsnet

[AnyFuleKno]

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

Methinkest that Wandsworth mayest be a wytche. She speeketh in tongues, a sure sign of commune with Beelzebub! Mayhap I shalt denounce her to Master Hopkins.

Sephrenia, but we possesseth not a Bigge Double Endere, ande ye owner of ye locale Private Shoppe was burned as a wytch only ye outher daye. How canne he trye it? If he lyeth with another manne, he maye be stoned (Atte least he maintaineth that it mighte help...).

Methinks Mistress Boffinmum is showing off and needs a goode ducking

Methinketh alyke, mistress Saggy.

Mistress whydo, hath thou no beast of burden whych he mayest prevail upon? I was informed by the mydwyfe thatte thys wouldst notte be unusual behaviour inne a husbande and thatte I shouldst turne a blind eye towarde thys behaviour in mine owne husbande.

Doth thys meane I was ill-informed by the mydwyfe?

Mistress Saggy I do heartily agree in the case of Mistress Wandsworth. Usynge such straynge language is most definitely a sygn. While thou getagoodrodgeringfrom pleadeath for us to General Hopkins, denounceth her in our stead!

Sephrenia, ye onlye Beaste we possessed in ye worlde was One Pigge, and I made ye Pigge into ye Hamme yesterday. I woulde hope my Spouse wouldst not be stickinge his Appendage inne my Hamme.

Goodwife Whydobirds, mayhap thy lord husband would most verily profit from procuring a turnype shaped like a thingy for the purpose of his testings.

Verily, Mistress Catpuss, I thinke that may be ye Waye Forwarde.

Mistress whydo, pray tell it was Nyce Hamme?

Whydo, I agree, 'twould make a most disgustynge dinner. Mistress saggy's suggestion woulde satysfy alle testyng purposes methinks.

I muste saye thatte thy postynge dyd maketh me spew forth mine nightly brewe onto the screene of my postynge contraption atte your replye!

It was moste cyrtainlie ye Nyce Hamme.

Verily, my husbade has sent for the apothecary, in order to help quell the paroxysms if my mirth at mistress whydobirds hamme. [grinneth]

If it were Nyce Hamme, then even more reasonne for thine husbande notte to stick his appendage therein.....

Sephrenia, I concurreth. T'would be most vile. Ye Hamme is saltie enough as itte is.
I shalle take ye advice of Goodwyfe Catpuss, ande procure ye Turnippe shaped like ye Thingye.

MistressSaggyCatte -Surely an parsnip or the newly seen carrote hath an alltogether better shappe for suche testynge than the comely turnipe ( being as fulle rounde as ye harveste moone )

[winketh]

Mistress Somuch, mine Husbande thinketh ye Opposite.

Or ye cumcumbere.....

Goodwife Juggling, I supposeth that that dependeth whether or notte mine Spouse hath already tried ye Wronge Hole for himselfe a few times.

I maketh Ye mistake - I meaneth Cucumbere.....

Goodwife Sugarmouse, it was ye Nyce Hamme. I have ye Standardes, thou knowest.

Mystresse Whydo, thou must baketh one pye on the morrow, & allowwe thy husbande to maketh free wyth ytte

Whence and whither away, Wilshelf?