Middle Ages Mumsnet

[AnyFuleKno]

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

sephrenia - I beseech thee to follow the GentleOtters advices and get thee to the Style and Doth Thou Looketh Comely area at once.

My husband's mother suggests that only serfs would feed their own babe with their own breasts, and that I should employ a wet nurse forthwith. Verily should I tell her she is being a quent?

Prithee good folk of Ye Olde Mumsnet, I beseech you to ensure that your shapes of men remember to partake in their dutiful archery practice. The sherrif did visit our hovel this morn and took my DH away to be strung up from a gibbet as he had not shot sufficient arrows into straw Frenchmen.

I am now a widow with a hunchback and 17 children under 12 years. I'm having to go on the game to keep them in gruel and rags.

Oyez oyez hark thee mumsnet. The daughter of mine self own husbands brother has undertaken to becomest a slattern of the lords and noblemen of the greate and beautiful citye of Londonium.

Thyself fears for her, yet the dividends from such a venture enablest her to dress in a manner most comely to gentlemen, gowns and luggage made by that most reputed of tailors-Prada & some messirs Dolce & Gabana originally of afar shores of Italy.

Should I myself partake of a fast noble steed and bring her whenceforth?

Posted in ye 'Idle banter' topic,
Didst though observe the recent show of mummery and minstrellyng that is, Britain hath clever people?
I found it verily entertainynge.
Ye woodsmanne who chopped kindlynge with his hatchette in time to an accompaniment of mynstrelles was mightily accomplyshed, (And wouldst no doubt make a suitable husband for some lucky maid.)
Although methinks thatte the mayden who brought her dogge thither and attempted to make the beast singe for the entertaynemente of ye audience was very lykely touched bye eville spyrits!
Ye judges request thatte the Audience mob make a vote to decree who is ye most cunning player.
Ye Victor will be named an official entertayner, and found suitable employmente.

BalloonSlayer, thou hast caus'd me to sully my undergarments with mine piss!

I pray thee, gentle wives, tell me true, hast thou knowledge of how much truthful meat of pigge is contain'd in the offerings of Mr. Gregg the Pastry Seller?

I will giveth my first borne chylde the name Priveth.

Verily, what thinkest thou?

Will the chylde becomest confused withe a hedge?

Mine eldest child (2 summers old) has just this morrow astounded the elders of ye village with the most extraordinary tales of devillments and tricks which, sayes he, are the imaginings of his own minde.

Prithee, is my child bestowed with the gift of talentedness or hath he been possessed by ye Deville?

Am I beying unreasonable in thinking thatte the mother of mye lord and husbande a wytche?
I am worryed that the dame may be one of satans minions.
She hath a wart upon her visage, wythe haire growinge from it, and she spends manye an houre collectynge herbs and roots, that she doth distylle into potions, and sell to her neighbours for the curing of the pox, and the drying up of the bloody flux.
She recently told me that my housewyfe skills are slack and thatte I was a slattern. I told her to leave my house, and now my cow has dyed.
I feare that she hast Ill wished the beast.
Should I complayne to mye husbande, or will he just think I am a scold?

My ladies, pray, counsel and console me, for my husband, the lord of Geekington has surely asked me to partake of an position not known within these parts.

He asketh me last Friday to take the butter from the cows and rubbeth it all over the place where my seat meets ones skin and maketh me a bed upon which to lie from which he giveth me the most unusual surprise. I hast not words to describe the recreation in which he indulged, lest to sully thy tender minds, but he wandered upon the path and found another entrance to one's privy garden

Verily I cannot walk without wincing.

Should I denounce him and shack up with the King, who travelleth down on his horse weekly with his lady to the glen where all the knights meet with their hounds to watch them cavort and display?

Ye veritable flying crones of ye Parish decree that thine bucket should be shined prettily before thou dwell for ye night. Thou canst find it in ye 'Goode Hovel-Purging' chapter.

Also, how canst I charm a dragon? My Lorde and Lady require its milk, but for what purpose I know not.

wmmc

Style and Doth Thou Looketh Comely

Make haste to the local market where Master Johnnye of Boden hath garments at a most reasonable pryce. I purchased a sackclothe of hotchepotche this morrow in exchange for my best pig and the indentured service of my three youngest chyldren.

I happened upon a wench plying her urchins with the food of Greggs the baker. AIBU to denounce her as a witch and a slattern?

'Tis sage advice MissBeehiving. Mine garments from Master Mark of Spencer, which have travelled from the barbarian lands of PerUna in which our menfolk fight, were shunned by ye ladies this morrow. Mistress Goodbody made much of mine attire and sayd that I wast 'too matronly' in my attire and 'had ye visage of ye sow of litters trice'!

wmmc he doth somethynge ungodly.
telle hyme to scourge himself

AIBU to lash my horse to yonder hitching post ordinarily reserved for babes and their wetnurses if I will only be but five of God's minutes within the apothecaries?

EdgarAleNPie - he doth scourge himself regularly, with both his hands and his donkey. Further, I see him on his knees praying before the smaller of our sheep almost daily.

funtimewincies - to tame a dragon, one must use on quart of dragon butter - google it if not sure where to locate such liquor.

one quart rather

Goodlady GentleOtter, Priveth is an excellent name for a child and will set him out on a path for greatness cleaning the waterclosets. Did you say Priveth was a girl, ah no matter, the lord of the manor is not choosy these days.

WMMC, you do indeed risk a terse message of brimstone and dung daubed upon your beast for such a dishonest deed.