Middle Ages Mumsnet

[AnyFuleKno]

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

[Suncottage]

Goody HopefortheBest

If oats are the causeth of swelling and irritable and noxious vapours then he must purge with brackish water and lark tongues 'til the passageway runneth clear.

[Portofino]

Recipes: Hath anyone ever presented a fine Helmeted Cock to theyre good friends and naybors? My Lord and Master is most keyne to mayke a good impression, butte I worrye that maybe he has ideas above hysse station?

[BoffinMum]

Elephantjelly, þ ð æ were verily used early in this thredde in yon Beowulf momente, but the user was accused of intellectual snobberie.

[oldenoughtowearpurple]

My Lord and master did me honour with a fine Helmeted Cock on ye occasion of the splicing of our troth: verily it was a merry mingling with much gladding and jesting and manye a gleeyfulle rufty tufty. But woe, the yeares did pass full sore and heavy and My Lord?s standing, betimes the pride of the demesne, hath sadly waxed; oft ye fine cock is no more & mine trencher must be satissfyed with a rabbit.

[Portofino]

Did he have much success if getting to stand erect? My lord did much bemoan that ye cocketaile stycks hath not yet been invented as he hath a great difficultie getting hysse to stand erect upon ye pigling.

[Portofino]

He hath struggled to get it astryde wythout it falling owt and going lympe.

[oldenoughtowearpurple]

Odsblood Portofino! Truly the very thing! Goodman Tumunus, ye apothekary who physics my lord hath concocted an elyxir to daub on the offendyng part and my maidservant hath praised the power of this precious ungent in restoring vigour to ye offending cock. Father Tumunus hath named this elixir 'Vyagara' and a very flood of grayteful goodwyves is at hys doore beggyng for a dose.

[Portofino]

I know notte whatte of wych you speyke! I can assure thee that my lord has no problems in THAT departemente. I hath been speyking of cooking! The Helmeted Cock is one of Milady Delia's finest concoctions! Didst thou notte clickest on the lynk? Orr didst thou assume it was somethyng of a fylthy nature - you dyrty mynded varlet thou?

[Portofino]

Burning is too goode for some peyple!

[kat2504]

Goodwyves of Mumsnette I beseech ye to offer me good counsel. Recently I hath been to ye Apothecary Bootes and hath purchased a soothsaying machine from ye Clearblue. Each morn I must pisse on sticks and lyke magyck, ye machine doth foretelle if mine Lord should lie with me come eventide. Mine lord doth denounce this as wytchcrafte and sayeth that the Soothsayer of Clearblue is the worke of ye Devil who doth robbe me of my groats each moon-tide.
Mayhap mine Lord should rather that I perform ye deed all eventides, but alack, I must toil hard in ye olde schoolhouse each day, schooling childer in illuminated lettering.
Is ye soothsayer of Clearblue a wytch?

[AnyFuleKno]

mistress Kat I hear tell that ye Clearblue be indeede a most costlye soothsayere and verily doth cause ye to piss on thine own hande if thy be not careful. A wizened crone hath scratched on a parchment the mannere in wyche a womanne maye become heavy withe childe. Amonge other sundrie thinges she doth recommend checking ye underbritches for egg whyte, though how it doth get there I know notte.

[kat2504]

Mistress Anyfule, thou art most wyse indeed. I have studied ye parchements of ye crone Mistress Zita, alack without becominge dyffed. Mine underbritches doth not yield omelettes. Mistress Zita proclaimeth that mine Lord muste abstain from ye mead. Mine Lord is not keen on thys and continueth to drinke ye mead but weareth not tyght underbritches.

[BoffinMum]

Tis surely all in the nature of the dugs, fayre wymmynne of Mumsnette, not in the way of chickens.

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Good Dame Portofino, dost thou not knowe that wytches are hanged and notte burned in thys fair isle?!
Burnyngs are reserved for heretycs. To gyve them a tayste of the fyres of hell awayting them!

[BoffinMum]

Haf startedde two threddes in yon 'Promotional Vouchers' topick with great things offered by ye merchantes. Turnipp and object of great exotick mysterie ye 'potatoe' on specialle offer, verily on account of ye 'Burns Night' (clearlie haf wytches hereticks been seen in these partes). Wymmin clearlie maketh a partie of itt. Thysse alle from My Lord of Ocado who will happilie forgoe 15% of groats in honour of wymmynne's custom. Other thredde is to do with Milch, 10 groats worthe of childer fodder, most usefulle in these tymes of tryal. Make merry ye maids and stuff ye faces happilie.

[BoffinMum]

PS My Lord of Ocado also purveys ye parsnipps for ye needy wenches where lords and lieges have absented themselves for to attende manlie fightinge at ye crusades and the lycke.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Ye Animales & Livestocke

Some deville is gettinge atte mine goates in ye night. They wille nat now cross ye bridge over ye streame to come to pleasaunte pastures on ye othere side. Alle ye three seeme moste discomfortede. Anie tippes or ideas hwat coulde be frighting themme?

[BoffinMum]

It be ye well knowne facte that ye grasse is always greener on ye side furthest awaye.

Yegods! Is Somer icumen in? Was that a cukoo loudley singing?

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Deare systers, I curry thy assistance in haste!
Ye trencher I doth keep in ye midden shack that fallen into ye pitte.
I am most vexed. Yon trencher is that which I keep there for ye sole purpose of being a receptakle for ye cords for binding ye locks!
I fashioned it with mine own fair hands, at ye Potters shoppe and decorated it prettily.
It hath fallen downe between ye wall of ye shack and ye planke Witt ye hole in. Ye gap is too smalle and I cannst notte pass mine hande through ye niche!
Prithee telle me whatte I can do to remedy ye vexatious situation?

[BoffinMum]

Verily I moun aske be there sweetcorne in said midden? And be it near a course of water?

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Nay, there be no sweetcorn, but there do be my lovely trencher down the midden. How may I retrieve it pray?

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Hast thou attemptede the freeinge of ye trenchere with ye littel pitchforke?

Mine poore goates will nat go neere ye streame - I ween theye are sore afrayde. Shall I nevere more heere ye trippe trappe of ye smal hooves on ye bridge?

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Mayhap there be some fowle creyture Ill wishyng thy beast! Hast thou mette anyone reycentlye who hast invoked a battle of sweet rolls? Or who hast expressed opinions contrarye to those most common? I haff heard thatte these payple are oftenne called Trolles or some such!

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Thinke ye so? Whenne ye have finishede with ye littel pitchforke yeve it to me, that I may go a-hunting undere ye bridge. I have heerde mumblings about ye viperes, and invitationes most coarse cominge from ye directioune of ye streeme of late.

[Portofino]

Pisseth myselfe at the trenchere in the midden....