Middle Ages Mumsnet

[AnyFuleKno]

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

Mistress , somuch, I thank ye for thy offer of aid, but I think maybe the journey by mule would takest thee several days, the wytchfynder would be departed hence to the arrest of goody Sephrenia. I will take the trial goodeharderodgeringe upon my selfe. asibehotteforit

Ay, Serephenia thou spakest with much wisdom. My childe may not slumber, but I would like to rest my weary bones of an e'ening, as I like to be fresh come the rising of the sun to see with mine own eyes, the results of the DNA tests on Master Jeremy Of Kyle's Mummers Play.

Doth I withoutte reasonne bee?

Myne husband doth regard the fyne match involynge ye bladder of ye pygge. I be not readye for myne bedde , yet wish not to regardde such monstrosytye.

Shouldde I make sucche requesttes of hym to chaynge ye chanelle?

My dear daughter hath suckled upon my breast these four yeres passed, and a six month, before she be weaned entire to a pottage of porridge, and of turnip.

My sonne doth suckle with evan greater ardour at the breast, particulalie as the even draweth on and the nichte falleth, even as his sixth anniversarie doth approach.

For these my labours of motherhoode hath I been decried surely as an witchye, and am to be dunked in ye village ponde this Saturdaye at noone.

Notwithstanding rumour that has comme to towne that the milche of the breaste be an danger to the childe, I praye and beseache ye mine sisters to stande with me on this Saturdaye, and alongside me, to pleade with me my cause -
and also my defense which be all and onley for the love of my very deare childers.

Blesse ye all, bothe those thate suckle a little wile, and those too thate suckle longg.

Yeay butte you dothe correcte bee, Mistress SugarMouse. Hys headde be turned bye thys game such thatte he thynks that myne postyngs be not amusynge

Exquisite

Madame Purple, thy husband muste have a head as empty as ye pigges bladder, to notte find ye postinges of our coven of mothers amusynge. Tell him to go forth and dig out the midden heap, and leave thee to thyne entertaynement.

Shoulde I be worried? My childe is onlye being given ye capital letters to illuminate at ye Schoole of Learninge, yet ye remaindere of ye classe are doing ye Booke of Kells.

Goodwyves I have need of advyse.After partaking of a dish of baked beans,I am much afflicted with the wind.Verily the breath of Beelzebub doth blow from my buttocks and my Lord did wish to lye with me this night.

How may I rid myself of my affliction?

Mine Spouse doth requeste that on ye laste daye of ye workinge week, he getteth to utilise ye Wronge Hole. Am I beinge unryseonable to thinke that this is a Misemployment of saide Orifice?

Dear mumsnet,

What advice to you have when one moves into a posh area and works full time & has 2 kids?

Mistress whydo, ye are notte being unreasonabble at alle......

I thank you Mistress SugarMousePink

The husbande now lives in ye byre. The beasts do not like it but they will get used to it.

Mistress Wandsworthmummy, I have greate difficultye in understandynge your poste. I beseech thee to express it in the language to whych we are accustommed.

Lady Whydobirds, mayhap though shouldst introduce your lord to Mrsthis. She mayest set him from his path, and back into ye wayes of propriety!

Verily ladies of ye mumsnet thou speakest well and with good humour. My Lord hath seated himself afore the fire with intent to view ye match of ye day and I thus retired to my chamber to seek amusement upon these pages. Indeed I have found it and 'tis the Devil's work.

Goodwife Catpuss, I am veritably rollinge on ye floore with ye mirthe at youre Commente.

Mistress whydo, offer thine husbande anne exchaynge. Telle hym thatte he maye utilise ye Wrong Hole onlye after he hath tryed itte hymself. If he styll thynks thatte thys is notte unreasonable after hys owne attempt, then ye maye aske whether he mayest have a pointe

[grinneth]

Mistress Whydo, Perchance thy spouse mite take up with husbande of Mistress Queenie in ye byre.

There he mite satisfye his animal passions withoute disturbance to thy personage.

Takke thy leave of hyme afore noone, and gette thee and yon childe to the Refugium Femina of the Systerhood.

Forgettyng not first to seweth river salmon wythin the hems of deare husbandman's bedcoveryngs and to slasheth his undertunics...