Middle Ages Mumsnet

[AnyFuleKno]

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Ladye of Bangor - canne nat he bepiss himself in ye guttere along with your goodman and yourselfe? It is a doinge most hygienick. Pottyes art an instrumente of ye devile, I hath herd telle.

[bangorbelle]

Toiletinge of ye chylder.

O wise mumsnetteres, what saye ye?
Mine own sonne is butte two sommeres ande 6 moon cycles old and for thys paste 4 blessed turnyings of ye sun, I have implored ye chyld to taketh leave of ye olde nappye and taketh relief of ye pottye insteade. Alas, mine sonne continues to pisseth and befoul the floores of thys fyne hovel ande doth refuse to weareth bigge boyye undergarmentes.

Shouldst I continue in mine queste to ridde ye chylde of the devils own stynkbombe and learne him the wayes of propere toiletinge?

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Verilye, Mistress of ye Perversiounes, am I cross-ey'd, tis a curse from the Lorde for frolickinge on ye sabbath with ye raven-hairede priestlinge. Tis, in my opinioune moste humble, moste worthe it, egad.

Hath ye heerde is said thatte ye Chief Heralde of ye Lorde of Englande hath strucke off his owne head? Tis a doing moste strange, methinks.

[plupervert]

Sistre Oliphante, thoue arte Crosse-EYe'de iffe thoue doste not see Howe Odde Thatte Dotthe Looke!

[nickelbabysnatcher]

i am juste upsette that mye keye-bourd hath not an lounge S withe whych i canne make ye ss heyre.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

sistres - be it me aloune who hath founde itt most harde to resiste puttinge an extra "E" on ye ende of alle ye wordes, thiss past se'ennight?

[NonnoMum]

Aye.

[nickelbabysnatcher]

thisse threade ys nowe yn yon talke rounduppe of mumsnette ymail - thus shall itt bee ressurrecteyed forthwithe.

[plupervert]

With thon Boaste, thou hast practis'd Foul Necromancie and awakened my Slumb'ring Shade.

[Suncottage]

I have killed the silken thread - I feel so proud and will weave a tapestry in testement.

[Suncottage]

Alack, alack and alas. I liveth. Thou partook of the white wine draught whilst denying the mandrake potion and thine dearest and most potent wish to swoop to my end was thwarted when I fell over pissed on the the highest turret of Semi-detached castle and landed on the knot garden and squasheth the under maid.

[Bugger and a hey nonny nonny]

Sorry Eliza - you twere but a sweet maid (sluttish after a few yards of mead I heard, but I counseled caution to those rumours and had them beheaded)

[Portofino]

I fear I hath encountered a wyche! She is from ye Northern provynces and goes by the moniker of Madame McKeith. She asked that I do a motion in her devil's beaker rather than in ye midden so that she could "pokke it wyth a styck" Alas she seems to hath met wyth misfortune as my Lord found her buryed in ye midden when he hath gone for a post-prandial shytte! It was notte to do with me!

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Y feele your paine Mistress Harpie, I was once afflictede with an bastarde behinde ye olde two-wheele-carte shedde. Luckilye mine husbande hath suspecteth no thinge.

[Suncottage]

I shall partake of the mandrake potion for I have killeth the silken thread and my shame is mine and mine alone. To the highest turret my weak and feeble body I will carry.

Anon, anon cruel world.....

Aaaaaaghhhh(eth)

[Suncottage]

Doth other maidens ever covet the very cowl of Cadfael?

I would doth my veil and retire to the haystack with a moo of my father's oxen.

Cor!(eth)

[Portofino]

Pisseth myselfe at the trenchere in the midden....

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Thinke ye so? Whenne ye have finishede with ye littel pitchforke yeve it to me, that I may go a-hunting undere ye bridge. I have heerde mumblings about ye viperes, and invitationes most coarse cominge from ye directioune of ye streeme of late.

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Mayhap there be some fowle creyture Ill wishyng thy beast! Hast thou mette anyone reycentlye who hast invoked a battle of sweet rolls? Or who hast expressed opinions contrarye to those most common? I haff heard thatte these payple are oftenne called Trolles or some such!

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Hast thou attemptede the freeinge of ye trenchere with ye littel pitchforke?

Mine poore goates will nat go neere ye streame - I ween theye are sore afrayde. Shall I nevere more heere ye trippe trappe of ye smal hooves on ye bridge?

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Nay, there be no sweetcorn, but there do be my lovely trencher down the midden. How may I retrieve it pray?

[BoffinMum]

Verily I moun aske be there sweetcorne in said midden? And be it near a course of water?

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Deare systers, I curry thy assistance in haste!
Ye trencher I doth keep in ye midden shack that fallen into ye pitte.
I am most vexed. Yon trencher is that which I keep there for ye sole purpose of being a receptakle for ye cords for binding ye locks!
I fashioned it with mine own fair hands, at ye Potters shoppe and decorated it prettily.
It hath fallen downe between ye wall of ye shack and ye planke Witt ye hole in. Ye gap is too smalle and I cannst notte pass mine hande through ye niche!
Prithee telle me whatte I can do to remedy ye vexatious situation?