Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

I think giving away your share, while well-intentioned, is a terrible idea. What if you fall on hard times? What if your brothers spend it unwisely or piss it up the wall? Any children (current or future) to think of? Your husband is right.

Easier to afford great memories with no mortgage though!

You can get a solicitor to rewrite the Will in favour o& your brothers if you all (siblings) agree. Don’t go ‘gifting’ or your brothers will have to pay tax, which wouldn’t apply to inherited income.

I've had very similar, but minus the "conflict with DH" part.

On the one hand, since our finances are pooled, what's his is mine and what's mine is his - that's only fair. Luckily he agreed with the re-distribution and it's been done with minimal fuss - except of course on the part of the two recipients, who were deeply touched.

The point is, that the additional amount they received was, while not huge, life-changing for each of them. It got one of them out of debt, and allowed the other to leave her controlling spouse.

I don't think I'll ever regret doing it. It has brought us closer, too, because I can seem quite a cold fish outwardly, and now they can, I hope, never doubt my feelings towards them.

Yes I have two grown-up children who theoretically lose out a bit, but I don't worry about their prospects - touch wood, they are largely sorted, and careful with money.

I think if my mother left the money to me, it was to do with as I wished, including re-distribute according to need.

It’s obvious that you keep it as your mother intended. Your DH is completely correct. You might need the money - you don’t know yet!

Yes it was in England. His solicitor advised him that if he left one child out of his will that child could contest the will and quite likely win. There was no other complaint against the child than that they were not genetically his.

We’re all just saying the same thing is the point

I think in theory it’s your decision, but I’d be really upset if Dh did the same. You never know how quickly life can change. I got cancer and now can’t work and frankly may never return to work before I die. I’m only 45. Never saw this coming. I’d take the inheritance and provide a cushion for your own family first because you never know what’s around the bend.

Are you childless?
If you have children, are you wealthy enough that your children can have the freedom to pursue any career they wish (a lot of careers are dominated by the children of the very wealthy because you need to be able to live unwaged for several years before you have sufficient reputation ahd experience to earn a living)?

If your wealth isn't sufficient to give your children financial freedom then yabu because your duty to your children outweighs your wish to help your brothers who have had the same opportunities as you but haven't used those opportunities.

If you have no children or have enough wealth that they wouldn't get any further benefit from you accruing more then YANBU.

But we don't know if that was because she wanted to treat them equally, or whether she felt she couldn't split unequally in case one child felt hurt (not about the money, but because of feeling less loved), or whether she simply made her will years ago and hadn't really thought about it at all.

I suggest you search MN for the huge number of threads where a parent has left children unequal shares, and one child feels terribly hurt, that are not solely related to the monetary value.

The inheritance is yours, not your husbands! However, at this stage I would take your own share as your Mum wished. I'd 'sit' on the money for a time, and see how you feel in 6 months to a year's time. I'm not sure it's wise to make big decisions, after a loved one has passed away, not that long ago.

Will the money your brother's receive not be enough to give them a boost onto the property ladder? Is the reason they aren't on the property ladder, due to the fact they are in lower paid work etc? Or have they made poor decisions, that have resulted in them not being able to buy property? I think this is important, question you need to ask yourself and be honest with the answer.

You may give your brother's your share, but once the money is in their hands, you have no say how it's spent. You might want them to spend it on a deposit for a house but they could buy a car or spend it on a big holiday. Would you then view the money as wasted? If so, then don't give them your share.

Take your share.
You never know when you may need it. Life has a way of throwing massive curveballs- believe me, I know!- and extra money would come in very handy.

People saying the husband has no say…. Yes I somewhat agree with this but marriage is a partnership and money goes into the same pot. So he should have a say to a degree and if it’s a loving relationship, OP should be taking his advice more on board than that of strangers on the internet.

Just speculating - What if he’s been the main breadwinner for the marriage and slogged to pay off the mortgage, and is still working? If I was him I’d be annoyed she was giving the money away, that even if he doesn’t spend himself would give him a bit more leeway. What if he doesn’t agree with giving it the brothers because they are lazy or thinks they’ll waste it ?

I’m with you. My oldest brother is the well off sibling and he gave his share to my younger disabled brother.

However, we knew that was what mum would have wanted but she didn’t want to pressurise anyone.

I helped out younger brother a lot when I was earning but I’m retired now.

I think your DH sounds quite grabby and I wouldn’t be very impressed with him. 😐

Why don’t you accept the inheritance and when it’s in your bank account, give your brothers a lump sum each and buy a family holiday with the rest. It would be nice if you could treat your family to something. You don’t have to give the whole lot away!

How the hell is it grabby to take money left to you in a will?

As others say, @Handbaggez there isn’t enough information to advise. Pertinent factors include - how much is it? (£10k or 500k?) Do you have children (am assuming not); has your DH been the breadwinner so that it is he who has contributed most to the mortgage free state so may actually hope that you will share this inheritance with HIM (he should be the more important person, surely? Perhaps he would hope that the money means you can both have a more enjoyable retirement, a nest egg for illness or care in old age). Why don’t your brothers have a toehold on the property market yet - poor job or financial decisions? Choosing holidays/hobbies over savings? If your DH has been really careful and worked/planned to give you both a secure retirement and to protect you both from the risk of losing your home due to redundancy/ill health by paying off the mortgage (am massively making assumptions, as you could be the higher earner and the person who has done this)… then I think it is natural he would be aggrieved.

Lastly - do you not think your mother considered all this when drafting her will? Unless she wrote it when you were children/young adults and was blithely unaware of the disparity of your life circumstances, then her wishes ought to be honoured.

There’s no way I would do this. You don’t know how your circumstances might change in the future. You might need to go into care. My mum pays £1,700 PER WEEK for her care home. Also - your mum wanted you to have that money. You shouldn’t go against her wishes.

I think it is a generous thought and one that is ultimately your decision as it’s your inheritance. But I can see why your husband might feel like he has a say. My husband and I have always been very open about money and sharing etc so I think I’d find it hard to suddenly ‘pull rank’ in your situation and give it away. I would, however, have no issues spending it on something like retraining for a new job so perhaps that ‘selfish’ use of
the money really isn’t that different to your situation (as my husband wouldn’t benefit).

I think my two questions would be do you have kids and do you feel responsible for helping your brothers? The first q is because I would, in your position, prioritise my kids’ savings first. You don’t often get influxes of money like this and I’d def use that opp to help my kids out before my adult siblings.

My second question is just something to reflect on as I firmly believe siblings shouldn’t feel like it’s their responsibility to ‘save’ their siblings. This dynamic can arise if you’re the oldest kid or if the family narrative has always been ‘poor x’ or ‘poor y’. It can take accountability away from those family members and actually make it harder for them to make the choices/sacrifices etc to get to a better place. Obviously, I know nothing about your siblings but I think it’s important to reflect on why you feel like you are less deserving of that money - especially if you have worked hard to get where you are. You say you’re relatively comfortable financially but that doesn’t mean your parents wouldn’t have delighted in you having some special memories thanks to them. My parents spent some inheritance on an amazing family holiday and my grandparents would’ve been thrilled that we were altogether and doing something we could never had done otherwise. Is it superficial, maybe, but I certainly value that time with my parents which was all thanks to my grandparents.

You don’t have to spend the money all at once or give it all away immediately. It could make sense to put it in a good savings account and take a moment to grieve and reset before making any decisions. Speaking to a financial advisor is key if your plan is to gift it, just so your brothers know what the inheritance tax on it would be.

I think you may regret giving this up to your brothers it is a nice scentiment but no good deed goes unpunished. Your circumstances can hugely change in the future I think you shouldn’t dismiss your husbands feelings so easily.

Depends really…..who was it that facilitated paying of the mortgage and funding the majority of your lifestyle expenses over the years? If it was your husband then yes YABU to give up the inheritance

Entirely agree. With that in mind I'd be inclined to keep hold of the money but consider supporting your brothers as and when they need it - e.g. if they're struggling with a bill, could do with a holiday, are £x short to buy something etc.

I think you’re being a bit foolish and I can see why your DH is upset. He may also be extra upset if your comfortable life has been made possible by his work (not necessarily the case but statistically he’s probably out-earned the OP). The brothers will still be getting a sizeable chunk of the inheritance. Don’t give away what is rightfully yours.

Good advice.

I'm very sorry for your loss, losing your mum is an incredibly difficult thing to navigate.

However, I disagree with the posters saying it's nothing to do with your husband. Technically yes it's your inheritance, but as a married couple, you are a team, financially and otherwise, and I genuinely don't think it's unreasonable for him to have an opinion on this, as would likely be the case with any other significant financial decision.

The other thing I would say is please think very carefully - when my mum passed away, with hindsight I know I wasn't really thinking straight for a good year or more afterwards and made some really terrible decisions under the cloud of grief. My suggestion would be to take the inheritance, as per your mum's wishes, and just put it in a high interest savings account or ISA for now and don't touch it - even one where you can lock it away for x months.

That will give you breathing space to think it through, discuss with your husband, but also means it's still there if you want to kindly gift some or all to your brothers in the future. It may also give you a a chance to see what your brothers do with their own share of the inheritance, and if you consider that money well spent