Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

Surely you don’t have to make the decision just now? You can take the money and give it to them later if they need it. Without knowing the sums it’s hard to know whether the money they get anyway will set them up ok without your share. You say that you are comfortable but no one knows what the future holds and you could easily be unable to work due to illness at some point, need round the clock care, etc.

Interesting to see there’s less of the “his money is joint money, your money is YOUR money!!” On this thread!

Team husband here. Your mother wanted you to have the money, and maybe had good reason for not leaving them more. If you have children, you should certainly be thinking about providing for things like university fees and house deposits for them. Even if you don't, you never know when you and your husband might need the money, e.g. if one of you had a bad accident or became very ill.

This. Money isn't just about survival, it's about enjoyment. I have 2 brothers. One has done well, the other was cleverer than both of us but has made many, many stupid decisions during his 59 years on earth. I don't feel any responsibility to 'save' him. You and your husband could do lots of fabulous things with that money to enhance your lives. Allow yourself that, it's what your mother wanted.

your DH is being an arse, but you could have handled this better by accepting the money and then choosing to gift some of it

my husband went through the deed of variation process to circumvent the law when a relative died without leaving a will and it’s complicated and takes ages

You would be foolish to refuse the money. Things are fine for you now but life is unpredictable.

But this is also a very good point

I always think in situations like this that to respect the wishes of the person who’s bequeathed the money or assets is the right thing to do. Presumably she was of sound mind and therefore could have given them more? Also, on a practical level, with unemployment the highest it’s been for a long time, are you that comfortably off that you can forgo this money? You’re 100% sure you’re going to have a nice retirement? And giving your brothers the money won’t impact on your children, if you have any?

So You do agree - I said it isn’t true he has nothing to do it, then you said he can express an opinion 🤣🤣

Mumsnet at its finest.

So I see it this way

money is fungible. Over your marriage let’s say DH has contributed 100k more than you and then received his own inheritance of 100k. You then inherit 50k and give it to brothers. You are effectively giving away money he has contributed

so on that basis it needs to be a joint decision

eta - this may not be the circumstance but as a couple you have reached this comfortable life together

I agree with all the posters who said that we have no idea what the mother would have wanted - most parents split equally between children, and we know from a great number of threads on MN that many equate inheritance with love (e.g. if a child gets nothing they feel they were less loved).

She wanted her children to have equal splits of her estate. I think that’s pretty clear.

Grasping a little..

But like deciding the DH is ‘greedy’ really 🙄

I agree with waiting for 6-12 months and seeing how you feel.

I think your husband does have a say, as you would with his inheritance. 50/50 after wedding vows so it is half his.

Indeed

It’s completely true it’s the OP’s decision, technically that’s true. She can do with it whatever she wants if it’s in a personal bank account.

But based on that logic the same is true of what DH does with his money, including his salary.

So really how much say DH has depends on how joint their finances are practically. I’m assuming there are no dc which would make a difference.

True, my brother was advised he couldn't leave an adopted child out of his will, never mind one of his genetic ones.

So many questions, so little info from @Handbaggez ..

But the poster is right. Legally it’s not his business - the money belongs to OP. He can express an opinion of course, but OP has no obligation to go along with it. Of course from a moral and practical standpoint it should be a joint decision because a marriage is a partnership, but not everyone will see it like that.

Was that not in England, then?

if it was me I’d be aware that it is family money and I’d try to find a satisfactory half way solution, eg, keeping half of your inheritance.

Based on the information we have, I am on team DH. Unless some back story has not been shared, all siblings received the same upbringing and education and therefore opportunity to make their own way. We don’t have all the information but most people seriously underestimate how much pension income they need to live comfortably, nor do we know if OP had DCs or if DBs do.

In our family inheritance would be seen as joint money but the person directly in receipt of it gets more of a casting vote. I wouldn’t be happy if DH unilaterally decided to give inheritance money away because he perceived his relatives as being more needy than us - indeed his Dsis does have a bit less but that’s because of life choices that she made along the way. We would perhaps pay for all of an extended family holiday as a treat for everyone.

I agree - it’s a partnership and there shouldn’t be unilateral decisions made on finances.

You might be in a financially secure position at the moment but you have no idea what the future holds. Keep your inheritance as your mum wished for your own future.

I agree with your DH.

Your mum wanted you to have this money. Take it and spend it to make your life better. Life isn't about not having a mortgage, it's about making great memories.