Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

I dont agree. This is about her mother's legacy left to her. It is for the OP to decide based on her relationship with her mother and what makes her feel at peace. Her husband can express his opinion of course but it is not ultimately his choice.

I agree with this. It’s what your mum wanted to gift to all 3 of you.

I agree that it's your decision (my husband and I agree on this too - if someone decides to make an inheritance communal, then you can share the decisions, but unless they do it's all yours).

But I also agree about not making rash, emotional decisions right now. Especially if the money share is effectively big enough for the brothers to buy with a mortgage now.

This doesn't stop you giving them it entirely later, but sit down and really do your sums, and allow your feelings to settle. Your brothers have just received a massive windfall too - a sum that is presumably proportionally higher to them than it is to you.

As someone with a decent income of my own, it took me time to get my head around the lump sums my parents gave me. They might need to figure things out, and your "noblesse oblige" gift might not actually be practical depending on the size of it right now.

I agree but above all, whatever you do, it's your decision not you husband's!

Sorry for your loss.

I couldn't advise without knowing more about you and your brothers, but you are a lovely person to even consider this.

Too would be disappoint in your husband. Mine fully supported me asking my parents to write me out of their wills.

The only thing that worries me is that you are very newly bereaved and I'm afraid that some of the motivation is coming from the thought that the money is only there because your mother is dead. And that getting rid of the money, subconsciously, makes her "less dead". I would stave of this decision for a while, even though your brothers might be taxed on it if you hand it over later.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

If you've been married a very long time and your husband's contribution is a major part of the reason you're in a good financial position, he should get a say.
If you've always each had your own money and paid your own way and/or you've been married less than 10 years, do as you please.

We don't know that it's what the mother actually wanted to do. There are many parents who would actually like to vary the amount left to their children according to need. But the advice is always to treat them equally.

I’m imagining the outcry if this were the other way around - a dh insisting on giving away his share! MN would be going collectively apoplectic!

Agree with this. I think that it would be overly generous for you to give it to your brothers, who have been included in the inheritance after all. You don’t know what is around the corner- you or your husband may get a serious illness, if you have children you may want to support them through university or help them onto the housing ladder. If you share finances your husband is entitled to an opinion and it could create a real wedge in your marriage if you give it away.

Depends for me on why the brothers have had it harder.
Is the reason you are more comfortable than them due to your own income or your husbands?
if the first, giving your inheritance away seems perfectly fair. If it’s because of your husbands wealth or income, I can see how that would feel pretty punitive from his perspective
Likewise if your brothers have been genuinely on the receiving end of bad luck, fair enough. If they’ve chosen to squander money and make poor choices, not so much

Need more info. It is your money in the same way that money you earn is yours, or your DH’s is his; in a marriage it’s a shared resource. So I’d say your DH does get a say; but I’m sorry he’s not supporting your generous stance. Could you compromise by sticking it in a pot and giving your brothers a set amount each year depending on your circumstances? Will it sour relations if DBs know your preferred course of action, and DH’s position?

My comment would be - how are you mortgage free, is that because of joint I put from you and your husband equally, or is he the higher earner who has therefore contributed more, or did he put in a significant deposit etc?
What if one of you became ill suddenly and couldn’t work, which would significantly affect your lifestyle?
Have your brothers made bad choices so far?
These are all things that should be taken into account.

I think it very much depends on whether you have children? I can see why your Husband would be annoyed if you are causing them to miss out on inheritance that would help with their future.

To me this is a really difficult situation because it depends on so many aspects. before deciding i would suggest you think about the following things:

• How has your DH treated any inheritance from his side in the past or is likely to treat in the future
• I assume you don't have kids/don't plan them as otherwise i assume this money would be going to benefit them
• How have the two of you contributed to building up your financial stability (i.e. if its mostly been DH then i can see why he might feel like he should get a say here)
• How resilient are your finances in the event of the 3 D's - death, divorce, disaster (if you fell ill tomorrow or had to split your finances would you be ok)
• What impact will this really have on your brothers - they are already receiving an inheritance, will having some of yours allow them to fulfil things they would not otherwise be able to do e.g. buy a house
• Is there any risk they mis-spend it in a way that damages your relationships with them

I agree with this

Depends really on if DH had an inheritance and what he did with it.
If he used his to eg pay off the mortgage on a joint asset then I can see his point really.

when you say they’ve had it harder than you, what do you mean? How much money are we talking? Do you have kids?

I’ personally would invest it and observe what my brothers do wih their money, do they waste it, do they save it do they use it to make their quality of life better.

I wouldn’t be giving someone who wastes money a huge lump sum.

you also don’t know what will happen in your life for the future, you could lose your job, become ill, that money may come in useful further down the line.

in Scotland an inheritance is not seen as family money, my friend got the full amount of the inheritance as it’s not counted in a divorce settlement.

You are a lovely sister and think your heart is in the right place.

I can however see your DHs point of view. Did you both equally pay off the mortgage from both your salaries? I think it depends if you have children or any dependents as it's also their money down the line. Maybe give your brothers some and also put some away for yourself/ children as a compromise.

Your brothers may also not take the money you are offering and might feel that you should keep your share.

Your husband is being greedy. He wont feel the same as you. They are not his brothers. He will just see it as you giving away money that he can have in the bank.
Its a lovely thing to do and I would do the same for my brothers.
Of course your mother will have left you all equal amounts as anything but that would have caused resentment amongst you all. I bet she would be proud she raised a daughter who was so thoughtful.

Totally. Most mumsnetters consult on purchases of over 100 quid don’t they? Or maybe it’s 1k but whatever it’s a lot lower than this.

Excellent advice. Don’t do anything for a while. Losing your mother is hard - it’s like losing your childhood all over again.

But think it through - would it be enough to establish your brothers each with a house? What would you do if one of them frittered the money away? What if they spent it all on a car?

Or he doesn’t think the OP should be treated like a doormat by a couple of greedy brothers who haven’t worked to ensure they are secure.

Do what’s in the will. You never know when you might need it and you could put some aside to help your brothers/ their family if they need it in the future.

I think the main question is how you manage finances in your relationship.
If you split everything entirely 50/50 then I agree it's up to OP to spend the money as she wants. If DH pays more of the day to day stuff, then OP giving the money away is effectively him subsidising OP's brothers, and he absolutely has a right to object.

I agree with all the posters who said that we have no idea what the mother would have wanted - most parents split equally between children, and we know from a great number of threads on MN that many equate inheritance with love (e.g. if a child gets nothing they feel they were less loved).

It's a shame that OP didn't discuss this with her mother in advance, then she would know her actual wants.