Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

i would follow my mother's wishes. You never know what is around the corner

Great post. Crack on. But what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

I think it’s a stupid thing to do. You are obviously better with money than your brothers, you would be better off investing your share for when they burn through it and come looking for more from you.

I agree with your husband.

It's incredibly generous of you and ultimately your decision not your husband's.

But, I find it hard to form an opinion without knowing more about the circumstances that have led to you being significantly more well off than your two brothers. If they have had lots of bad luck out of their control then yes perhaps ist justified. If it's more of a case of you and DH have worked much harder to have your security then I kind of agree with your DH that you should keep your share.

Either way, your brother's are incredibly lucky to be in receipt of an inheritance which most people who struggle financially won't be. As home owners, there is always potential for huge costs should something major go wrong, it never hurts to have the money there in case. I think ultimately in your DH position, I would feel like you weren't putting your own family first.

Wish there were more people like you in the world.

@Handbaggezplenty of opinions here, can you provide more context?

While not being helpful, I totally see both points of view.

You and your DH are a partnership, and I don't think it is wise to begin saying this money is mine and that money is his, unless that is how you have always managed your finances and you both agree.

That said, what you are suggesting is a very lovely thing, and if you genuinely have enough money to achieve everything you need then I would expect your DH to support your decision. If he cannot do this then I would be a little disappointed with him too.

As to what you should do if you cannot agree, that depends on how your marriage works generally. Would you typically only spend this amount of money on something you both agreed on, or do you both usually give each other freedom to spend on what you decide even if the other is against the idea?

Good luck OP.

@Handbaggez

You "can" disown your share of the estate [there is a particular term for it which I cannot get to at present]. That has to be done - rather obviously perhaps - before probate is granted. It may make no difference in this case but the bequest goes back into the estate and you cannot determine what happens to it. If it does not simply go to the others then you can take the share and divide it as you wish.

Another issue is your ongoing relationship with your brothers’ and husband. What if one of your brother marries, divorces and then his ex takes half of his money? What if you or your husband has a stroke in ten years time, can’t work and need a carer? Once they money is out of your hands you totally lose control. It may also be that in your grief, you are looking to solidify the family unit and are acting out of understandable emotion and may see things differently in a couple of years.

Me and DH, any inheritance more than a grand or so would be joint. It would just be absorbed in the family finances. I might treat myself to a manicure if it was me who inherited, would hope DH would treat himself in some way if it was him. But more than that, how to spend it would be a joint decision.

BUT - op - I do get where you're coming from. If me and my DB inherited some money, and I was mortgage free and my DB was still renting, I'd want to give him enough of my share to give him a decent deposit on his own place.

That said, he doesn't and probably won't have kids and I have three. So if we both inherited enough for a deposit, maybe I'd want to keep mine for my kids, as he'd be sorted.

Plus, there's the question would your brothers accept it? I think my DB might be pissed off if I even offered tbh. He can be a bit sensitive about stuff like that, it really matters to him that he's in a position to support himself, and his family if necessary. Which he frankly isn't tbh, but I wouldn't dare say that to him😂

So I suppose it depends - how much did you inherit? Do you have kids who would maybe need the money in the future? And would you brothers feel patronised/ like they'd "failed" in some way by "needing" this support from you?

The first thing I would do would be to accept the money, and keep hold of it for at least a year. You are grieving your mother at the moment, and may think differently once your emotions have settled a little.

I can see this from both sides. It's lovely that you want to help your brothers, it really is. But how "comfortable" is comfortable? Are you both still working? Could this money allow you to lower your hours, or even retire? What difference could it make in your lives?

Yes, it is your money, and ultimately that's your decision when it comes to what to do with it. But if my partner was inheriting money that could change our lives, and he chose to give it away instead, I would be asking questions.

Is there a chance you could perhaps loan the money to your brothers instead? Interest free, with small repayments each month until the money is back in your possession? This would seem like a pretty decent compromise. If I was your brothers, I wouldn't want to just take the money for free anyway - I would appreciate the gesture, but would want to pay it back.

I would be really hurt and shocked if my husband did this. It’s shortsighted as you never know what’s around the corner for you. I really think it’s stupid.

So sorry for your loss.
As PP stated, how about gifting them each a bit but ensuring you have something too . You sound like a lovely sister .

It isn't your husband's to spend !

Congratulations. I am glad that you have a long and happy marriage and I wish you well. I strongly disagree with your assessment of this situation, however.

You're lovely. 😊

Your husband on the other hand, is quite the dick.

Ultimately this is between you and your brothers. She was your Mum. Do you think she would be happy with your kind gesture? Because that's all that really matters.

I think this sums it up perfectly really.

We had almost paid our mortgage off when my husband's business went bancrupt.

I think that once you marry and have your own family unit, your primary responsibility is to them. Particularly if you have kids, you should be using the money for your own family even if you don’t ’need’ it. When you get married you share everything, and I wouldn’t dream of unilaterally deciding to give away a massive chunk of money without my husband’s agreement.

It does depend a lot on the figures - but can’t your brothers buy houses with their own share of the inheritance? If their own share is too small to make that possible then would half of your share make enough difference? If they’re crap with money they may well waste it all anyway.

My husband and I treat every penny that comes in, including inheritances, as ‘ours’. This is a decision that I believe should be made as a couple and if your husband isn’t ok board (as most people wouldn’t be) then it would be a crappy thing to go ahead and do.

We also don’t know if op has a weird relationship with her brothers where she feels obligated and her DH thinks they are a pair of users

maybe op did all the caring for her mum

or maybe one of the brothers did

maybe the op is the high earner or maybe she’s not

anyway, with the info on offer it’s impossible to tell

My mother was one of three children. When her mother died she had wanted everything split between the three, but my mother's brother declined his share of the inheritance as he is a wealthy man who lives abroad and he wanted my mother and her sister to share it between them. It was a very gracious thing for him to do and meant that my mother inherited approximately £155k (some of which she then gave to me and my sister which allowed us to set up investments, and it has allowed me to work part time around a child - so the impact on many lives has been positive because of my uncle's actions).

Depends how much money we are talking though I suppose. Do you have a suitable emergency fund set up for unforeseen events in the future? Do you have good pensions sorted? Do you have any house repairs that may come up soon (e.g. enough for a new roof / boiler?). If yes, I would consider gifting enough for a housing deposit for each brother. There is nothing to stop you gifting more to them in the future if you want to, but you don't have to do it all at once. Think it through and don't make any rash decisions.

Your husband wants to put him first.
He doesn't see the need to give it to your brothers, he see it as a joint money that will help you to do stuff that you are not doing now.
I agree with you and I see his point. with no other info like the sum you are going to give away and how your husband is as a person, age, how well of are you, who is being earning all the money in your relationship, how much difference are between your brothers and you etc I can think he has a very valid point.
As an example, I will be very put off if I'm the main earner and on my 50s my partner decide to give away 50k if the total year income is about 50-70k.
I wouldn't bother if my income is on about a 200k with all the rest the same.
I would be fuming if I'm struggling working and my partner give away more than 10k. Etc etc.

That's a bit strong. Especially when at least half the respondents on here, of whom are, theoretically at least, mostly women with the inherent bias towards the woman, disagree with you.

Entirely your decision- I'd suggest that the fact that your mum left it to all three of you means she wanted to be fair, and for you to have the choice of what to do with your portion of the money. It absolutely doesn't determine what she would have wanted you to do with it or not- she gave you the choice, and it's yours to make, no one elses...

I agree with you. I would also ask if the brothers are dicks as they apparently can't get their acts together to purchase homes for either of them? Or is being a dick only applicable to husbands, not brothers?

That's really kind of you but do you have children who this could help set up in life?

Absolutely this.