Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

Talk to a financial advisor.
Giving up your inheritance may seem like a good idea but it’s not always so simple. Mr Tax man may jump on the fact you haven’t followed the Will request.
By all means help your brothers but beware how this can be done without incurring any consequences.

It’s not your husband’s inheritance either, what ever he may think, but of course benefits from your financial situation.
I had to help my brother just as you’re thinking but he paid me back once he was settled, so a unfixed loan may be an alternative

Surely there's a middle ground here? Keep some yourself, gift some to your brothers? I think my decision would also depend on whether they have had a hard time because of luck (eg health issues that weren't self inflicted) or decision making (eg chose to travel for 15 years instead of career / house).

it’s not your husbands money is it?!!

I think this is a v lovely idea. However, life can bring all kinds of unexpected twists and turns. You never know what the future might hold. Your mother left it to you, I’m sure in her wisdom knowing that. Maybe one day you may help your brothers in various ways. But I think the sensible choice is to hold onto it.

Presumably the husband had a job for years and financially contributed towards building their home and assets together, leading to todays degree of "relative comfort". Do you not think that depriving the partnership of prosperity and additional comfort, or potentially earlier retirement is something that the OP's husband has a stake in, being married and financially tied and all?

Would you say the same if the husband was the recipient and demanded the right to stick it all on red at the casino? Or donated it all to the digs home?

If you look at previous threads where it's the husband receiving the inheritance and not sharing it, everyone says he's an arsehole and should be sharing it with the wife. Funny that now it's the other way round it's still the man that's the arsehole and apparently it's just OPs money

We’ve never had “family money”.

Take the money
Put in bank, premimum bonds
Gift your brothers as needed
You dont know what is round the corner. You might need

Cool, so if your husband/wife got a pay rise and decked themselves out designer labels and bought a new car, you'd be happy as the poorer spouse in TK Maxx gear and getting the bus, while still living in the same house? Or inherited £1m but decided to pay for someone in Costa Rica to go to university, that's fine because you don't have family money?

I don't see how two people, in a marriage, don't put their partner, with themselves, front and centre of their hopes and dreams and share their wealth. Anything but betrays a lack of trust or selfishness.

It's your money, it's totally your choice. If you want to give it all to your brothers, that's really kind and do that.
I got an inheritance from my grandmother, my husband would make suggestions, but ultimately it was my choice.

Unfortunately I agree with this . It does work both ways, if my H wanted to give his inheritance ( not on the cards yet) all to his brother or even our son I wouldn’t be ok with it - partly because we ourselves aren’t secure, which is different to OP I know but partly because you never know the future , if he needed care and had given it all away etc you can’t just ask for it back

Your choice. That's all well and good, and sounds like an great soundbite. But can you not see why this might annoy the husband? Especially if he has worked hard for their relative comfort over the years?

No, this money has not be earned by him, its from her family, so he has no claim to it and no say in where it goes. Like my husband he can make suggestions which she may or may not take on board. I paid a chunk of our mortgage and bought a nice holiday for both of us but I also spent a fair bit on myself and put some away in savings.

I don’t think it’s that cut and dried. In my relationship ALL money is shared regardless of where it comes from - salary, lottery win, inheritance….the source is irrelevant. Once money comes into the possession of one of us it belongs to both of us.

I strongly disagree with you. Marriage is about partnership. If, after a lifetime of graft to provide the partnership with comfort, I saw money walking out the door with no say in the matter, I'd give very serious consideration to being closely behind the money in walking out. It is a direct expression of how little my contribution and part in the marriage is respected.

But you didn't give it all away , did you? He might have felt differently if you had given it all to the cats home, or to a sibling, or put it all on a horse in the 3.30 at Haydock Park. Buying yourself extra treats, lump sum to mortgage, holiday for you all are perfectly reasonable.

Well our lack of trust and selfishness has resulted in a very happy 26 year marriage.

Do you have any children? If so, why don’t you invest it for their future home/university if you don’t want it?

Can you be sure that your brothers will use the money to get on the property ladder? What if they spend it all on a fancy holiday? You could have had a fancy holiday….

I would take the money and consider giving it to your brothers towards a house deposit, once they have found a house and had their offer accepted.

Personally I'd stick it in my pension OP. Things are continue to get weirder as the years go on.

Don't give it away man, your mother wanted you to have it.

I think this is really sensible and nuanced advice.

Has your DH had any previous inheritance or bonuses etc which he has contributed directly to the family pot? Might he feel that your financial security now is due to past sacrifices on either his or both of your parts, that your brothers weren’t prepared to make? Do you have children who may need future support?

If the amounts are already sufficient to set your brothers up, I would feel less worries about keeping the money. Could a compromise position be topping them up to assist getting on the property ladder and to keep some for your own retirement/children?

Yes, it's yours to do as you wish with hut clearly if you don't take it your husband will keep that in mind for future financial decisions.

Basically, don't go crying to him if you cant do your 50% of bills in the future.

So if you end up ill and want to work part time or need special equipment or carers, don't expect him to change his hours or chip in because you've literally given away the money you would have had for that and are expecting him to make up the shortfall.

And if he's put in more money over the years then turning your nose up at the money is basically like saying you were happy for him to subsidise you because what's his is ours but what's yours is yours.

This needs clarifying. In UK, inheritance kept separately remains outside marital assets. Once combined within the marriage (eg joint account, spending on the house etc) it becomes marital property.

Not enough information overall. How were the brothers 'hard done by'? How was OP 'fortunate'? How much are OP and their family a team? Why don't they have shared goals?

From experience. Things change. Other stuff happens in life. I didn't think that would happen. It may not happen with you. My husband fully supported me when I gave someone some money. But said don't do it if you think you will regret it. I didn't then. Obviously. But I did later. If things had stayed ok I would have had no regrets. But it was the unplanned, difficult things that got in the way.

Money rarely solves the problem if someone cant manage it.
Take your share, invest it, and when they prove they are doing better financially, give them a gift as a top up to their mortgage.
You can always gift them the money later.

Not read the whole thread but i would keep the money because you just dont know what tomorrow might bring. A leaky roof, a new boiler or private paying medicsl operation? Unless you have plenty of savings in the bank to retire now, then keep it. Cant your brothers afford the deposit from their inheritance? Keep it and if they need to borrow more from you later on, you can loan it to them and then maybe in years to come, conveniently forget the loan?

The other question to ask is how secure is your relationship? Is there a chance your DH might divorce you? Is he looking for 50% of your inheritance?

Ultimately, your inheritance, your decision but if you gave it all away, will it breed resentment by your DH?