Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

Have to agree with this too. This is potentially marriage ending so she might end up doing this.

This is your inheritance. Why does he even think he has a say?

This isn't money earned or won, your mother didn't go through her life thinking "oh I hope whoever my daughter married enjoys what I leave behind" she didn't even think of him...he was not relevant to her.

She left her estate to her children. No one else.

If I was in your situation I'd do the same - as long as I knew my brother would use the money wisely (I know mine would) - why should you sit pretty and watch them struggle? They are also your family. Your husband sounds rather entitled and selfish.

its not really up to your husband to decide what you do with your inheritance is it?

you can always out it aside in a savings account and tell your DBs when they are ready you will give them a share towards a deposit if you want to make sure they don't blow in on something else.

I would do the same as you.
Speak to a lawyer and ask if you can make a deed of variation where you receive a smaller portion.

Ascertain whether your brothers are likely to spend their inheritance on getting into the property market though.

If not, you might be better off taking you share and buying a two bedroom investment rental with the plan of allowing your brothers to live there rent free if ever they are homeless or if ever they need to save for a deposit.

I would keep the inheritance in order to avoid future resentment over money in your marriage - I could see this coming up time and time again and causing real damage. As it's not needed I'd probably invest it rather than spend it, so it becomes money for an emergency that you can use in the future for either yourself or others in your family.

I’m with your H on this - And for resentment reasons as others have said - if your marriage ever went wrong I can assure you it would come up over and over.however maybe you could suggest and pay for a holiday for just the 3 of you ?

Depends really, has your positive financial situation come off your own back? or has it been more linked to husband (his earnings, savings, own inheritance perhaps)

Rightly hers to decide whether she wanted to share..
Mean spirited that she didn't Imo

No one knows what's in store for them. A family member could become ill, someone could lose their job who knows? My cousin and her husband had 7 properties rented out and were very smug about it and lost all and ended up steeped in debt!

I think your intentions are lovely OP but personally I would keep hold of my share for 2 reasons. 1. My mum would of left this share to me and id be actually sad to part with what she would of wanted me to have as a way of providing safety, security and happiness after she was gone and id want to use it in her memory if that makes sense. 2. Because life is full of unpredictable things and you may be in a situation of needing that money when you least expect it! Keep it somewhere safe and have a really good think on it for a while at least but ultimately the decision is yours alone.

I just wonder how everyone who says "it's your money, not DH's" would feel if DH inherited money from his parents and decided to spend it all on a sports car for himself and ignored the financial needs of the marriage?

I appreciate OP isn't suggesting spending the money wastefully, I am just challenging the notion that it's none of DH's business. Marriage is teamwork and means making joint decisions. What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.

I am not saying OP shouldn't give up her share to her brothers, I am just suggesting that people taking the black and white attitude that DH shouldn't get any say, it's none of his business, etc, often feel differently when the same "none of spouse's business" theory is tested in different circumstances.

I agree with your DH and you never know what’s round the corner. Be different if your brothers were not receiving a share but it has been done fairly

And tell al the wives the same thing when their husband inherits during their marriage!

I’d accept the inheritance, put it in a bank account and do nothing for minimum of 6 months. I guess your mum split it three ways because that's usually what happens with no deeper thoughts other than three children getting a third each.

@saraclara makes a good point about implications of receiving the inheritance you'd be sensible to consider, but ultimately it's up to you.

I just wonder what will your husband's attitude to your brothers be if you did pass on your share, I mean will he hold onto resentment about it and negatively impact on future relationships?

You do realise that in that case the matrimonial assets would be split, thus perhaps leaving the OP in a worse position than she is now, even though she would (probably) keep her inheritance?

I wonder whether the conversation would smoothly change back to 'our' and stay that way than considering 'mine' if the inheritance was for the DH instead 😅

Maybe the OP is 'sitting pretty' because of her hard work and careful management of money, her brothers may have had a different approach to work and money management.

Not sure if OP will come back as it’s quite a lot of responses but I think it’s clear that based on the info in the OP it’s impossible to know exactly why the DH has an issue

It’s very nice if you. I would want to keep it for myself though so understand how your DH feels.

I think whether your DH has a say depends on whether you fully share finances i.e. whether he has always shared with you all money that comes into the family in his name and your financial predictions assume he will continue to do so. In his position I might be a bit pissed off if this were the case and your unilateral decision to be generous had an impact on the rest of our family e.g. options for early retirement.

Even with his agreement, I wouldn't give away all the money at this stage. You are all grieving and you may feel differently when emotions are less charged. You also don't know what may be around the corner. How about some for the brothers, some for yourselves and some for any children? You would still have the option of giving your brothers more later.

If you give any away at this stage make sure you consult a solicitor about a deed of variation. Otherwise you can end up paying tax on money you don’t receive if it’s briefly in your possession.

Can you compromise and share some as a gift then keep some for yourself and emergencies or treats?

It isn’t “family money”, it was left to one person. That’s why an inheritance isn’t considered in divorce if it hasn’t been amalgamated into the marital finances. Now you’ve received the money it’s yours and only yours @Handbaggez. The suggestion of investing it somewhere in your sole name is a good one, then you can make a decision more objectively down the line.

Depends. Is your financial security due to purely your own work or due to his? Or both?

If he doesn't work or contribute to your finances then it's not his business. Otherwise you're unilaterally deciding to make his life harder. I'd also not expect your brothers to br thrilled about your proposition either. I'd feel a mix of guilt and embarrassment in their position tbh.

What happens if one of you gets cancer tomorrow and has years of treatment, can't work, needs huge amounts of support. Or simply gets sacked? You're so incredibly flush that you could both get taken out the workforce tomorrow and you'd be fine till you're 100? Go for it. Otherwise it seems like a careless decision that will cause resentment in your relationship.

So that I have this straight in mu head for heterosexual marriages...

Husband salary = Family money

Husband savings/investments = Family money

Husband inheritance = Family money

Husband decision on retirement = Joint

Wife salary = Wife money

Wife savings/investments = Wife money/running away fund

Wife inheritance = Wife money

Wife decision on retirement = Wife

Just so I know the rules for future debates.

Impossible to say without the figures. If your share is £1000, meh, can't get too worked up about it. If your share is £100,000, that's a different story.

I have known many people who have had life changing things happen in terms of money - both gaining some, and losing some. So I would be keeping it, if I was you. So I agree with your DH.

My sibling at one point had nothing to her financial name, and I had a big house, lots of savings and assets. She married. I divorced. She inherited from her DH's parents. She now has more assets than I have. I would be gutted if I had given her ££££ back in the day.

This is your DH's money as well, because if you die first, the money would go to him. Or maybe you have kids, and it would go to them? Maybe your DH has contributed more over the years, and giving money away now is like a slap in the face?

Anyway, 12 pages and Op hasn't been back, so probs wasting time typing this.