Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

Sorry for your loss. I lost my mum recently and I know how difficult it is.

I really wouldn't give away your inheritance at this stage. You are grieving, you are not in the right place to make a decision.

I think it's very kind of you to give it to your brothers however you don't know what the future holds for you and what might you and your family might need in the future. You could always give them a little bit of yours if that made you feel better, but I wouldn't give it away completely. It's really not a good idea.

Your brothers may have 'had it harder than you', but presumably your husband is responsible in some way for contributing to your lifestyle. It may not be his inheritance as such but would you have the same standard of living without him? If the answer is no, then I think your husband is right to disagree with you on this.

for me the crux rest on the mortgage being paid off and who paid the mortgage off

if it was just you that brought the house and paid the mortgage off then fine, but if you did that as a partnership with your dh and now you are wanting to gift the money to your brothers, as you don't have a mortgage. To me that seems a slap in the face to dh who has also made a comfortable life within the partnership.

If the mortgage wasn't paid off, would you still gift the money to your brothers? and if not why not?

Completely agree with this ^^

There is very little context here.

Have you have financed your home and plan to finance yourself solely in future or has your DH made a majority contribution to give the bot of you your current lifestyle.

Do you have children that could benefit from this money.

Do not assume your life will always be financially as rosy as it currently is

You should at least be discussing this with your husband. Yes, the inheritance is yours but the ramifications of your decision affect him as well (and your children if you have any).

Agree with this. Wish some posts were genderless as it causes biased advice.

Someone saying DH wants to hive his inheritance to DSIL would be met with mostly opposite advice.

OP, did your DH contribute to you being mortgage free and financially stable?

A marriage is a partnership, the sacrifices your DH contributated for that stability shouldn't count for nothing.

What happens if they squander the money, would your DM have wanted that?

Or you fall on hard times down the line?

As a compromise, why not pay down a deposit for a house or such and use the rest as a family.

This.

It's not his money, and it's not family money. It's the OP's money and it's for her to decide what to do with it.

That said, if her DH thinks he can tell her what to do, she could keep the money to spend on a divorce and future as a single woman who doesn't have a man telling her what to do!

When my mother died, neither my husband or brother in law made any suggestions about the inheritance, rightly regarding it as my and my sister's business alone. They showed the greatest respect, sadly your husband is coming over as grabby and fixated on money rather than family. Do you need the money or would it just buy a better car/holiday etc?

So sorry for your loss OP, hope you're doing okay.

Need some more context here - do you have children? How old are you and your brothers? Are your brothers financially responsible?

I do believe it is your money not your husbands and you should decide what you do with it, but you mention being in a fortunate financial position now - how did you get there? Is it because of an inheritance your husband previously received that he used to pay off your mortgage? Is it because you are well paid and have contributed 50% or more to your family financially? Has your husband previously contributed more than 50% financially? Or have you been a SAHM whilst he's contributed 100% financially?

I think your husband would have more reason to feel upset if you gave away your inheritance if he has previously contributed more than you financially to your family.

I agree with others that could be all sorts of costs you might have to pay in future and you might regret giving this morning away. Also I'd definitely prioritise an early retirement!

I think it's noble that you want to give it to your brothers. But I also assume there is a reason why they're not in as good of a financial position than you and that is likely due to their own life choices (assuming they don't have any medical conditions). And as others say, carefully consider the impact this might have on your husband's relationship with them.

Your brothers might not even accept the money if you offer it to them. I wouldn't take it.

but the husband may have worked to pay off the mortgage to make the wife feel financially secure enough to give her money away

This is why when I rewrite my will

I will leave money/cash to my son in laws, that way its very clear what money I wished them to have and what I want my daughters to inherit

You sound lovely and your reasons make sense. I imagine your dm left everything split between the 3 of you to be fair to you all but it doesn't mean she'd object because you want to do a kind thing for your brothers.

It's your inheritance and you can do what you like with it. Having said that, it's not really that cut and dried.
Is he a decent DH who pulls his weight financially and with kids/house etc?
If so, I'd at least listen to his pov.

If you have kids you should also consider whether it would be a better thing to do to provide for their future instead.

Do you both contribute financially to the household? If your DH is the main earner he may find it a bit unreasonable that when you have something to contribute you want to give it away.

Your brothers are already getting their share. You don't need to feel guilty because you've got more than them.

Depends on so many variables, for example:

• how much is in the inheritance pot? Is your proposal the only way your brothers will have enough money for a house deposit since the total inheritance is fairly small (I.e. under £60k)?
• what are your family finances like? Do you pay everything 50/50 with your husband or does your husband perhaps fund more of the household and day to day costs?
• you’re mortgage free but who predominately paid this off? How much did each of you put towards the initial deposit?
• has your husband received an inheritance before? How was this spent? Did it belong to him only or go into the family pot? Was it used to pay off the mortgage?
• do you have children? Could they benefit from the inheritance being put into savings for them (if you truly don’t need it)?

All of the above are relevant considerations, and I think one or more would explain your husband’s position. The only one that could justify yours is the first bullet point (that you will only inherit a small sum so any extra will benefit your brothers far more than it could benefit your family).

Presumably, all the responses proclaiming the inheritance to be OPs money to decide what to do with would also be ok with the husband spending his pension lump sum on a sports car, and a round the world trip with his mates, and giving the rest away, because it's his money that he earned? Or perhaps he could instead donate his share portfolio to charity?

I don't know who won, earned, inherited what in this marriage, but presumably the husband contributed in some way. Unless he has been a lifelong cocklodger then surely he gets a say? If not, what is the point in being married?

Your inheritance, your money, so its your choice what you do with it

I'd keep the money and see what your brothers do with their money before you give them your money.

There's not enough information and too many variables to tell you what we would do.

How old are your brothers?

Would this money give them enough to buy a house each?

Would they even want to buy a house? Or would they use it on a round the world cruise, or blow it in casinos and strip joints? That would make a difference for me.

Why have their lives been harder? Through poor life decisions or choices out of their control?

Why has your life been easier?

I'm 42 and I've been mortgage free for over a year. My husband works his arse off and I don't work. I have contributed at times when I've received inheritance or gifts from my family. I paid half of the house deposit out of what I had saved whilst working, and my savings covered a my half of the mortgage for a year. My life has been easy because my husband has worked hard. My husband won't inherit. His mum blew what she'd inherited on a holiday for her and his elder sister. His dad "lent" the sister £34k (because she hadn't bought and she "had it harder". Her and her husband were earning 3x what my husband earned but had active social lives and spunked money up the wall), which she never paid back and their dad shortly after.

I should inherit but I'm not banking on it. If I do inherit though, I'm not going to start banging on that it's my money because my husband has supported me financially for 14 years. We've taken the kids around the world too, and the kids have visited nearly 60 countries and 20 US states, some a few times. If I was working my arse off and paying for most things, or if my husband was like my ex and would divvy the shopping up in queues so that it would be pretty much 50/50 or I'd owe him and would have to make up the diffence the next day! If we'd have had smart phones and banking apps back in the day, he would have made me transfer 5p difference right there in the queue. (I was earning around £15k temping, he was in IT earning £35k, nearly 20 years ago). So in that scenario I'd be feeling a lot less generous about it! Sod that!

Do you have kids? Do your brothers have kids? Their kids could inherit money that your mother may have expected to go to your child(ren).

Have your brothers been in your ear about how much better off/lucky/fortunate they are? Because if they have, that would be concerning.

I will inherit a decent amount. DH will inherit nothing.

over our long marriage DH has contributed 90% of the money.

I would say he would be justifiably pissed off if I said it was my inheritance and I was giving it away

You cannot decide they ‘do not need the inheritance’ based on what the OP has said, which is very little. It’s far more likely that it would mean a less secure and comfortable retirement for them.

It’s also perfectly possible it’s the brothers who are greedy and lazy but we haven’t met any of these people and only a tiny amount of information.

Do you both work? Is the inheritance enough to affect retirement ie could one or both of you retire earlier?

I wound take yours and put it away and see what your brothers do with theirs. If they fritter it away then I wouldn’t give them any more

OP has said they are “fairly comfortable”, it’s different from “comfortable”. Also think about it, if they both were truly comfortable don’t you think it’s likely OP’s husband wouldn’t be bothered about the brothers being given the money?

Well yes, but she left it to her daughter to do with as she saw fit. If her daughter wants to pass it on to her brothers, it’s her affair. I’d always split my estate between my kids as it causes resentment and problems if not done so without explanation-yet if one of mine had done very well, I’d like to think they would show the same generosity of spirit as the OP.

Spot on