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Original poster

was dh a dick to react like this

207 replies

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 10:37

Good morning

So I need to get some perspective on this.

Dh and I have been married for 10 years. 1 DS and 1 DD. A happy marriage ( or so I thought) with no real issues.

We have a credit card. It’s actually a card that belonged to him, however I was added as a joint card holder many years ago and it’s kind of been ‘our’ card, if that makes sense. I definitely use it more than him and I also pay the bill out of my bank each via direct debit.
At the moment there is about 7k on there which is more than I’d like, but there is a reason for that. Dh must get the statements etc so I assume he knows. We both have a card and we don’t really discuss who spends what. I pay the bill as I earn more so I am happy to pay for a few extra things. It doesn’t bother me what dh has spent, I just see it as ‘our’ bill. There is no real reason why we use this card and me not just get my own - it's just kind of a situation that we have falled into. We have other accounts/financial products that are joint and also some individual ones ( I have a car loan)

Yesterday dh had the credit card statement emailed. Again, I am assume he gets this every month? He got really arsey with me about it and started questioning the transactions etc – why did you buy this etc etc etc. I was really shocked as we have never been like that with each other.

It ended up in a row with me telling him to fuck off. I have cut up the card and will not use it again. I reminded him that I pay the bill, which is know is a childish comment as we are married. He has not paid a penny towards that card for many many years. I am fine with that, but I don’t expect to be treated like a twat. I appreciate that it's debt in his name, but I really struggle with that being an issue as we are married and are supposed to be a team. There have been times when he has had things in my name. His car loan was actually in my name as I got offered a better rate - no problem as it saved us money.

I am going to get my own card and transfer the balance from it into my name.

Aibu or was he wrong to have a go at me?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 21/04/2023 10:46

You clearly need to revisit your approach to finances and spending and make sure you’re still on the same page. And yes, it’s best you have your own sole credit card. Married or not, ultimately the debt is in his name and would be his responsibility if you didn’t make payments: depending on what sort of transactions he was questioning you on I’d probably be a bit narked too if DH was taking out debt in my name without letting me know to buy frivolous stuff.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 10:49

Do you have an agreement that expenses or purchases over a certain amount will be discussed first?

Having credit card is a massive waste of money given the interest rates so whatever is on it are expenses you can't afford. Unless it was for a medical treatment or some necessity - but I would assume he would know and be fine with these expenses.

You having a fit and telling him to fuck off and cutting up your card shows you did feel guilty to some degree. To treat your spouse like that says you know you should have communited better or discussed these purchases etc.

And running up debt on your own card is a terrible budget plan - since it is family money, that is still his debt and money that isn't going to the family.

Comefromaway · 21/04/2023 10:50

I often question things that dh buys on our joint cards etc as to me our finances are joint and when one person appears to be spending an excessive amount on frivolous/uneccessary things it is a problem.

Do you pay the card off in full every month and does that impact on your family finances at all? If you don't pay it off every month then I would be questioning why you are overspending.

ReadersD1gest · 21/04/2023 10:51

It doesn’t bother me what dh has spent, I just see it as ‘our’ bill
Well, he's clearly not happy with you running up a £7k credit card bill without discussion, so he's not on the same page 🤷🏻‍♀️
He's not wrong.

Bananaduck · 21/04/2023 10:53

If my DH ran up £7000 of credit card debt without telling me I would panic and I wouldn't feel any better if he was the one making the monthly (obviously inadequate) payments. I hate debt and £7000 in my name I didn't know about would keep me awake at night.

Dontbelieveaword · 21/04/2023 10:53

Have you run up 7k on household/family expenses or on personal things for yourself?
I think you both need to sit down and try work out a way to separate expenses, so his debts are his, yours are yours and any joint account is used only for essential joint things amd is paid equally by both of you.

bamboonights · 21/04/2023 10:54

Sorry not had time to read full thread but I'd always use separate cards. I had a high earning ExDH who I added on to one of my cards and we used this for family expenses. When he left me for OW and turned into a complete arse, I found out to my detriment that he was not obligated to pay a Penny of the £10k debt as he was a 'second card holder'.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/04/2023 10:54

And receiving the statements by email doesn’t necessarily means he always looks at them. If he hasn’t been using his own card much, and you haven’t been telling him that you’ve been making purchases, perhaps he’s simply trusted you and, upon opening what I imagine, based on the time of year, is the annual statement of spending and interest, was shocked to see how much was owed.

gohomeroger1 · 21/04/2023 10:55

You say you pay the bill every month so how is there still 7k debt do you mean the minimum? As that would just go on interest alone. Maybe you need to sit down and work out a plan to actually pay it off and stop spending on it

Neandertallica · 21/04/2023 11:06

What did you spend it on?

ElfDragon · 21/04/2023 11:06

Is this a card you pay off completely each month? My credit card balance is currently almost £7000, but will be paid off in full as it is all planned spending (that’s not what I spend every month, but have a holiday balance on there this month!)

if you generally pay it off fully each month, so not racking up interest, then I think he was unreasonable to kick off about it. He may still want a separate card now he knows how much you use it, but would have been a dick to make such an issue out of it.

if it is credit card debt, and you are racking up interest payments, then he is potentially less of a dick to be worried about your spending habits - if you’re not clearing the card then you clearly can’t afford whatever you’ve been buying, which may be essential, or may be frivolous.

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/04/2023 11:08

But you done see it as 'our card' when you throw up at him that you pay it. He's allowed to question a card in his name that has 7k on it. You need to get your own card and then have a separate joint one for joint expenses that you both agree to pay

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/04/2023 11:09

I wouldn’t be happy being on the hook for £7K I hadn’t spent either. Doesn’t matter who pays the bill, he’s still responsible.

BarbaraofSeville · 21/04/2023 11:18

Whether or not he's being a dick is hard to say without knowing what the money was spent on. Household essentials or nice things for you? What was the split between you/him/joint in reality?

Definitely transfer to a 0% deal but also review your finances.

Joint costs from a joint account including savings for insurance, Christmas and other annual joint costs.

Both keep an eye on it, to make sure everything is running OK.

But also, both keep some money back for personal spending, that is affordable within your budget. Then you can spend on yourself without him going through it line by line.

Any credit cards, pay off in full every month and only spend what you can afford on them.

Comefromaway · 21/04/2023 11:19

I would expect a £7k credit card spend to have been discussed in advance and to be for a specific reason eg essential unexpected repairs, medical expenses or large household item.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 11:21

There's no justification for having £7,000 of debt on a credit card that wasn't for an exceptional circumstance.

I'd be pissed off in his position too.

duvetcovereddissident · 21/04/2023 11:23

Sounds like he has read the bill and had a very nasty shock indeed. A 7k debt is massive. I expect he was leaving all of that to you, and assumed that you had it under control, and now finds out unexpectedly how far out of control it has got. How long will it take you to pay it off? I'm guessing 7 years or so?

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2023 11:23

I’m assuming when you say you ‘pay the bill’ you don’t mean you pay it all off every month? You mean you pay some of it? Otherwise if you’ve spent £7,000 in a month then yeah, I’d have some questions too!

Regardless, £7,000 at standard credit card rates is a lot to owe. Look for a 0% balance transfer credit card (moneysavingexpert has a good list), transfer the balance and the DO NOT SPEND on that card. Just pay it off.

Use your debit card. Or get a second credit card that you pay off in full to £0 every month.

You have to stop carrying debt month to month.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 21/04/2023 11:25

So how much was on it when you were added? And how much of the debt on the card is "yours" would you say?

The other thing is you could look to get a new card with 0% Interest period and I'm sure there are ones with no fee for balance transfers.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 21/04/2023 11:25

And stop buying stuff you can't afford! If you're buying it on credit you cannot afford it if you can't clear your balance.

TheMatriarchy · 21/04/2023 11:30

Do you pay it in full every month, so you have the £7k ready to pay it and you are in control of your spending?
Or, are you in fact not paying the bill, but racking up debt you cant pay off and incurring interest.
If its the later I would be upset as I think that's stupid financial behaviour and would not like to be a relationship with someone who does that. But obviously if the former, then he needs to pipe down.

BarbaraofSeville · 21/04/2023 11:30

duvetcovereddissident · 21/04/2023 11:23

Sounds like he has read the bill and had a very nasty shock indeed. A 7k debt is massive. I expect he was leaving all of that to you, and assumed that you had it under control, and now finds out unexpectedly how far out of control it has got. How long will it take you to pay it off? I'm guessing 7 years or so?

That's a bit of an over-reaction. Have you read £70k by mistake?

They're both at fault here, he can't take a hands off approach to family finances then complain when it doesn't go exactly as he's assumed it has.

duvetcovereddissident · 21/04/2023 11:32

BarbaraofSeville · 21/04/2023 11:30

That's a bit of an over-reaction. Have you read £70k by mistake?

They're both at fault here, he can't take a hands off approach to family finances then complain when it doesn't go exactly as he's assumed it has.

Show quote history

no, I am just going by personal experience with credit cards - I generally assume that for me it takes a year to pay off £1000.

Wenfy · 21/04/2023 11:33

If this is debt and not something you’re paying off in full - transfer to a 0% deal and pay it off. Then run through your finances with a fine tooth comb and if you have any payment or direct debit that’s his cancel it.

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 11:33

I’m with your husband as well. I’d be furious if my husband racked up seven grand or credit card debt and even more furious if he told me to fuck off when I questioned it, and you’re clearly not paying it off, or you’d not have seven grand on there.

you’re well out of line.