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Original poster

was dh a dick to react like this

207 replies

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 10:37

Good morning

So I need to get some perspective on this.

Dh and I have been married for 10 years. 1 DS and 1 DD. A happy marriage ( or so I thought) with no real issues.

We have a credit card. It’s actually a card that belonged to him, however I was added as a joint card holder many years ago and it’s kind of been ‘our’ card, if that makes sense. I definitely use it more than him and I also pay the bill out of my bank each via direct debit.
At the moment there is about 7k on there which is more than I’d like, but there is a reason for that. Dh must get the statements etc so I assume he knows. We both have a card and we don’t really discuss who spends what. I pay the bill as I earn more so I am happy to pay for a few extra things. It doesn’t bother me what dh has spent, I just see it as ‘our’ bill. There is no real reason why we use this card and me not just get my own - it's just kind of a situation that we have falled into. We have other accounts/financial products that are joint and also some individual ones ( I have a car loan)

Yesterday dh had the credit card statement emailed. Again, I am assume he gets this every month? He got really arsey with me about it and started questioning the transactions etc – why did you buy this etc etc etc. I was really shocked as we have never been like that with each other.

It ended up in a row with me telling him to fuck off. I have cut up the card and will not use it again. I reminded him that I pay the bill, which is know is a childish comment as we are married. He has not paid a penny towards that card for many many years. I am fine with that, but I don’t expect to be treated like a twat. I appreciate that it's debt in his name, but I really struggle with that being an issue as we are married and are supposed to be a team. There have been times when he has had things in my name. His car loan was actually in my name as I got offered a better rate - no problem as it saved us money.

I am going to get my own card and transfer the balance from it into my name.

Aibu or was he wrong to have a go at me?

OP posts:
itwasntmetho · 21/04/2023 14:39

£300 is very tokenistic to be playing king of the castle over your spending.

He's paying a teenagers keep. I'd stop financially wiping his arse, no wonder he can't comprehend someone using a credit card, he must have so much cash over every month.

BringItOnxxx · 21/04/2023 14:40

£300 why is that? Is there a back story?

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 14:42

itwasntmetho · 21/04/2023 14:39

£300 is very tokenistic to be playing king of the castle over your spending.

He's paying a teenagers keep. I'd stop financially wiping his arse, no wonder he can't comprehend someone using a credit card, he must have so much cash over every month.

Wtf, why, for all you know he works part time, is disabled, cares for rhe kids. Why assume as he’s got a dick he must be earning big?

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 14:43

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 14:42

Wtf, why, for all you know he works part time, is disabled, cares for rhe kids. Why assume as he’s got a dick he must be earning big?

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He has an enormous credit limit on HIS credit card if that’s the case…

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 14:44

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 14:43

He has an enormous credit limit on HIS credit card if that’s the case…

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It’s in both their names now and her limit is added to it. That’s how it works 😂

Coyoacan · 21/04/2023 14:45

Well the OP has thrown the cat in among the pigeons and disappeared

LemonjeIIo · 21/04/2023 14:49

Having the same credit card account for that many years is madness surely? If you are paying it, why don't you get the statements handed to you? You are literally paying for something you haven't seen!

Paq · 21/04/2023 14:50

@Daisiesandprimroses actually credit cards only belong to one person, which I think is the husband the second card holder is not legally liable for the debt.

Comefromaway · 21/04/2023 14:57

Apart from when you first take a credit card out no-one enquires as to your income.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 15:05

Paq · 21/04/2023 14:50

@Daisiesandprimroses actually credit cards only belong to one person, which I think is the husband the second card holder is not legally liable for the debt.

Yep. She’s a secondary cardholder, he’s primary. It’s his credit.

That’s how it works @Daisiesandprimroses (😂…)

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 15:17

OP are your children called Daisy and Primrose? I think I've found your husband.

readbooksdrinktea · 21/04/2023 15:18

Coyoacan · 21/04/2023 14:45

Well the OP has thrown the cat in among the pigeons and disappeared

It turned the tide of the answers pretty quickly though.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 15:21

@readbooksdrinktea drip feeds generally do

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/04/2023 15:28

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 21/04/2023 12:33

Well it's not because it adds protection. In fact all large purchases should be on cc but you should also be able to clear it. Not build up debt.

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I was going to say this. I've paid mine off using my CC this month, although it'll be paid off at the end when I get paid, but you've more protection

MonsterMunchengladbach · 21/04/2023 15:31

@stellaeffort I feel for you. 7K isn't actually that grievous as a credit card debt, though I wouldn't add any more to it if you can avoid it. I'd do a 0% balance transfer asap (look at Martin Lewis Moneysaving Expert, if you haven't already done so). I've been transferring a balance at 0% for about 7 years now. I could in fact just pay it off many times over, but I'm choosing not to because credit used sensibly and effectively is a good thing.

You and your husband have to decide whether finances are shared or not. I can't see how you can be married and not share finances, but others disagree.

That said, a man who was only able to contribute £300 per month would give me the most massive ick. Sexist but true.

Coffeeandcake15 · 21/04/2023 15:36

It sounds like you need to sit down OP and discuss your finances. Both people need to pay a fair amount based on current income. I would stop using the credit card for now and only use for emergencies until you’ve cleared the bulk of the debt.

Vee1987 · 21/04/2023 15:47

I’m with your husband too. Nobody is going to care who spent it on what - nor who pays it off - if it’s in both of your names.

I’d be glad to be married to someone who doesn’t like debt. The posts I see on here where people have been dropped in the shit and even financial ruin because of their feckless partners are horrifying to me. My husband likes taking small risks with investments (not massively so and he wouldn’t with our savings) and it makes me nervous.

I also agree it’s clearly not paid off in full every month if you’ve racked up £7K but correct me if I’m wrong.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 21/04/2023 15:50

I think YABU.

Coffeetree · 21/04/2023 15:50

readbooksdrinktea · 21/04/2023 15:18

It turned the tide of the answers pretty quickly though.

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Or she could be busy at work, this being a weekday afternoon.

OP, you're getting a hard time here. If you've got outstanding credit card debt, it's great that you've transferred from higher interest cards--not so great, on the face of it, if you're paying for hols with the credit card. If you were booking the holiday, where did he think the money was coming from?

It sounds like things have got a little out of hand and you lashed out at each other. Once you've calmed down, see if you can get on track, talk to one of those debt charities and do the whole spreadsheet thing. Just think of how amazing it will feel when you're debt free!

Naunet · 21/04/2023 15:52

PollyPeptide · 21/04/2023 13:13

To me it doesn't matter what you're both contributing. The fact that you've run up debt on a credit card means you're living beyond your means. If you need him to pay more, you should have addressed him as the debt was being run up. Taking two years to pay off a holiday is crazy. I'd be horrified to find £7k against my name too.

This is going to be one of those really annoying threads where people are so keen to give the OP a kicking, they don’t both to read it properly. They BOTH ran up this debt, not just OP, and she is the only one paying it off, so he has no right whatsoever to have a go at OP about it.

Naunet · 21/04/2023 15:57

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 14:02

Well that is another interesting take - so a woman should be scorned and name called and have no right to access or have any say in the family finances unless she does 100% of the childcare and all the housework and still finds at way to contribute at least £300 - at that point, then she might be allowed to be part of the financial conversations and should have less name calling directed at her.

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Oh for god sake, can we stop derailing with poor hypothetical man posts and focus on the real life women who is looking for support?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/04/2023 15:58

If you're paying it, not him, and it's in both your names, why is he upset?

Why do you not both review the statement each month? Stop overspending.

Also you told him to fuck off...

TheCatterall · 21/04/2023 16:00

£300 is his sole contribution to his family each month? What does he bring in es h month and what’s he doing with the rest?

ColdHandsHotHead · 21/04/2023 16:03

I would be asking why he's suddenly taking an interest, to be honest. It might be any from concerns about interest rates going up to him wanting to take out a loan he hasn't mentioned to you and discovering his credit rating isn't as good as he thought it was.

Since he's apparently abdicated responsibility for your finances to you up until now, he's got no right to complain he doesn't like the way you've handled them.

Ponderingwindow · 21/04/2023 16:13

I don’t understand continuing to spend on non-essentials when you have credit card debt.

DH and I have multiple cards because we get points in various ways. We have spouse cards issued on some of them. If for some reason we had debt on one in my name and he kept spending on it or any other card, I would be furious. We would be in financial lockdown to get the debt cleared, not going on holiday.