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Original poster

was dh a dick to react like this

207 replies

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 10:37

Good morning

So I need to get some perspective on this.

Dh and I have been married for 10 years. 1 DS and 1 DD. A happy marriage ( or so I thought) with no real issues.

We have a credit card. It’s actually a card that belonged to him, however I was added as a joint card holder many years ago and it’s kind of been ‘our’ card, if that makes sense. I definitely use it more than him and I also pay the bill out of my bank each via direct debit.
At the moment there is about 7k on there which is more than I’d like, but there is a reason for that. Dh must get the statements etc so I assume he knows. We both have a card and we don’t really discuss who spends what. I pay the bill as I earn more so I am happy to pay for a few extra things. It doesn’t bother me what dh has spent, I just see it as ‘our’ bill. There is no real reason why we use this card and me not just get my own - it's just kind of a situation that we have falled into. We have other accounts/financial products that are joint and also some individual ones ( I have a car loan)

Yesterday dh had the credit card statement emailed. Again, I am assume he gets this every month? He got really arsey with me about it and started questioning the transactions etc – why did you buy this etc etc etc. I was really shocked as we have never been like that with each other.

It ended up in a row with me telling him to fuck off. I have cut up the card and will not use it again. I reminded him that I pay the bill, which is know is a childish comment as we are married. He has not paid a penny towards that card for many many years. I am fine with that, but I don’t expect to be treated like a twat. I appreciate that it's debt in his name, but I really struggle with that being an issue as we are married and are supposed to be a team. There have been times when he has had things in my name. His car loan was actually in my name as I got offered a better rate - no problem as it saved us money.

I am going to get my own card and transfer the balance from it into my name.

Aibu or was he wrong to have a go at me?

OP posts:
Riverlee · 21/04/2023 13:03

budget planner

This is a superb budget planner. Use it to sort out your household finances etc. Do it with your dh so he’s fully aboard on what every costs. Be totally transparent and honest. It’s a horrible exercise to do, but worth it.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 13:03

Why's he spending anything on a credit card if he's only paying £300 a month for household costs?

TheIsleOfTheLost · 21/04/2023 13:07

I would be annoyed if I found out that my husband had run up 7k of debt without telling me, so I can understand his reaction. That said, you now need to have a proper conversation with him about where you go from here. If you are sharing finance and he contributes £300 per month, do you both end up with the same amount of spare money per month? If not then that needs to be reassessed. Also if you are paying for family holidays with your money and he isn't then that seems unfair. Map out what needs to change and where you go from here, including anything he can take on to reduce the mental load on you.

Velvetween · 21/04/2023 13:07

Your big mistake here was all the “assuming”. This is a common avoidance tactic when it comes to uncomfortable financial matters. You both need to apologise and find a better way to share and oversee your spending and finance habits.

PollyPeptide · 21/04/2023 13:13

To me it doesn't matter what you're both contributing. The fact that you've run up debt on a credit card means you're living beyond your means. If you need him to pay more, you should have addressed him as the debt was being run up. Taking two years to pay off a holiday is crazy. I'd be horrified to find £7k against my name too.

MagicSpring · 21/04/2023 13:16

How much does he earn, and what else is he spending his income on? Is it absolute peanuts overall? If £7k would be half his annual earnings, I can see why he'd be shocked.

(I am self-employed and have had lean years when that's been my situation, for family reasons, so I'm not going to leap on him for being a low earner if he is. But if he's earning national average or above, surely he needs to put more into the joint pot.)

Emptyandsad · 21/04/2023 13:17

I think that if you're going to treat money as joint, then it needs to be properly joint: joint credit card, joint account into which both your income goes etc. Or else you have separate money, in which case you are solely responsible for your own finances.

You seem to be in some undefined hybrid system in which each of you has different understanding of how things work. You need to sit down and talk clearly and honestly about how you manage your finances as a couple

Dustland · 21/04/2023 13:22

He only contributes £300 a month and then has a go at you about the debt on the card that you are paying off?! He is BU!!

OldFan · 21/04/2023 13:22

Some of the 7k was for a holiday. I tend to do all of the 'life admin' stuff so we probably didn't discuss how it was being paid for, however he was very happy to go on holiday didn't ask or show any concern regarding how it was being paid for! I

@stellaeffort I think most people wouldn't even imagine that their spouse would pay for a holiday on a credit card. He probably never imagined you were doing that.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 21/04/2023 13:23

Why is your DH only paying £300 a month towards bills? Is he earning less than minimum wage? You both need to agree to stop using credit cards unless you can pay them off in full every month.

I agree with pp who said that you need to have a calm discussion about finances and agree to cut unnecessary spending.

NImumconfused · 21/04/2023 13:23

Neither of you have communicated well here, but that's quite different from being abusive. He may have been freaked out to find that much debt in his name if he's a low earner (which presumably he is if he's only contributing £300 pcm), because if anything went wrong in your relationship you could walk away and he'd be liable.

You need a sensible conversation about how the debt was run up and how you plan to pay it off, and if he's uncomfortable with having it all in his name then you could agree to transfer some of it to a new card in yours. I don't think you should transfer it all, as it's been spent on the family and you're obviously already having to pay for much more of the family expenses than he is and he shouldn't be able to just shrug off any responsibility.

If he's not a low earner and is only contributing £300 because he spends all his money on himself, that's a whole different ball game.

Ladderback · 21/04/2023 13:23

Where is your husband putting all his money? Or if he doesn't have any and can't contribute more than £300 to run the family, it's no wonder you are putting expenses on a card instead. So he thinks you should be earning enough to cover the whole family while he pays practically nothing?

Newmum0322 · 21/04/2023 13:25

So you racked up £7k of debt on a card in his name… but it’s OK because you ‘pay the bill’! You clearly don’t if there’s 7 grand on there.

DP and I have joint accounts, his money is mine and vice versa. I’d have kicked off if this happened to us. YABU

howlismoving · 21/04/2023 13:28

I would be really annoyed if my partner started racking up a load of debt on our joint card so I can kind of see where he's coming from here - unless he has agreed to the purchases before you bought them.

OldFan · 21/04/2023 13:30

Do you think subconsciously you wanted to get this resolved @stellaeffort and that's why you did what you did with paying for a holiday on a card?

The basic financial rules of the game here seem like they are all solveable with discussion and organization. Just a shame about the seven grand. Sad

ShowUs · 21/04/2023 13:30

£7k is a huge amount of debt and I too would be very annoyed that someone had that debt in my name.

Honestly, depending on how much was solely your spending then I’d be reconsidering the relationship over it.

It doesn’t matter if you make more than him or if you are paying it off.
The facts are you are getting into debt and it’s in his name.

All you can do is apologise and not spend anything else on it until the balance is paid off.

Credit cards should not be used for holidays if you already have debt.

ImSoShiney · 21/04/2023 13:32

You'd probably be better with a bank loan to clear that 7k credit card rather than getting another credit card, because the temptation will always be there with another card. At least with a loan you clear the debt, close the account and pay off the loan, you won't just be able to add on a random coffee or a impulse sofa purchase etc.

neveradullmoment99 · 21/04/2023 13:33

Sound like he is concerned about finances. This has tipped him over the edge/ brought it into sharp focus.

daisymoonlight · 21/04/2023 13:34

When I first read your thread I was all ready to say you are being unreasonable but then you dropped the fact he only contributes £300? £300?!!! Thats absolutely pathetic for a grown adult man- why isnt he contributing more?- surely he has a full time job and can contribute more than that, even on a lower wage?

Hell would freeze over before I let a man who only contributed a measly £300 to the entire family expenses lecture me about money.

BLOODY HELL, I'll tell him to fuck off too

Pixiedust1234 · 21/04/2023 13:34

@Justlovedogs it was flowers. Try clearing your cache, logging out and back in. Otherwise contact MNHQ

was dh a dick to react like this
Gazelda · 21/04/2023 13:35

I hope you're feeling a bit brighter OP. Now you've mentioned the financial contribution that your DH makes to the family budget, it doesn't sound so one-sided as your first post indicated.

When things have calmed down, can you sit down together to work out a better way to budget and share financial decisions fairly?

Me and DH have separate accounts for personal spends, our own phone bills, contact lenses, clothes, hairdressers, gifts to each other etc. We both put a lump sum into our joint account each month. We calculated how much our joint bills are each year, divided by 12 and then pay a proportionate percentage of our income into the account to cover (plus a little bit over for emergencies). That works well for us, but other families have different systems that work for them.

howlismoving · 21/04/2023 13:35

I admit I didn't read the latest posts before I sent my reply so sorry if it was a bit blunt @stellaeffort after your updates.

I think in future on joint finances maybe you guys need to communicate a bit more upfront like before spending on the credit card it needs to be considered more seriously - whether it's joint or not it's still debt that you are both responsible for and it's a stressful situation to end up in when you're getting bills each month that you can't really afford to pay off.

I'm sure you can work it out, and telling your partner to fuck off during an argument isn't abuse so don't cry about that! Sounds like a heated situation where you were both feeling quite emotional so it's understandable.

CheeseMcKnees · 21/04/2023 13:36

If it has £7k on it, then you haven’t been paying the bill?

WisherWood · 21/04/2023 13:36

I pay most the household bills as I earn more. dh contributes £300 per month to the joint account

From your OP I'd have said YABU. If my partner had £7k of credit card debt in my name and told me to fuck off when I mentioned it, I'd be reconsidering the relationship. But if he contributes so little financially and does none of the money management, that does put a different spin on it.

I would sit down when you're both calm and have a much more in-depth talk about your finances together. Does he contribute in other ways, e.g. most of the housework and childcare? How much of the mental load does he carry when it comes to household management?

Just try and make it so you're equally involved and pulling in the same direction. Planning to pay it off in two years sounds sensible and achievable. Good luck with it.

Coyoacan · 21/04/2023 13:36

Why is he only contributing £300 a month?

I own my own place in Mexico City, where the cost of living is considerably lower than in the UK, and have no dependents and spend considerably more than that.