was dh a dick to react like this

[stellaeffort]

Good morning

So I need to get some perspective on this.

Dh and I have been married for 10 years. 1 DS and 1 DD. A happy marriage ( or so I thought) with no real issues.

We have a credit card. It’s actually a card that belonged to him, however I was added as a joint card holder many years ago and it’s kind of been ‘our’ card, if that makes sense. I definitely use it more than him and I also pay the bill out of my bank each via direct debit.
At the moment there is about 7k on there which is more than I’d like, but there is a reason for that. Dh must get the statements etc so I assume he knows. We both have a card and we don’t really discuss who spends what. I pay the bill as I earn more so I am happy to pay for a few extra things. It doesn’t bother me what dh has spent, I just see it as ‘our’ bill. There is no real reason why we use this card and me not just get my own - it's just kind of a situation that we have falled into. We have other accounts/financial products that are joint and also some individual ones ( I have a car loan)

Yesterday dh had the credit card statement emailed. Again, I am assume he gets this every month? He got really arsey with me about it and started questioning the transactions etc – why did you buy this etc etc etc. I was really shocked as we have never been like that with each other.

It ended up in a row with me telling him to fuck off. I have cut up the card and will not use it again. I reminded him that I pay the bill, which is know is a childish comment as we are married. He has not paid a penny towards that card for many many years. I am fine with that, but I don’t expect to be treated like a twat. I appreciate that it's debt in his name, but I really struggle with that being an issue as we are married and are supposed to be a team. There have been times when he has had things in my name. His car loan was actually in my name as I got offered a better rate - no problem as it saved us money.

I am going to get my own card and transfer the balance from it into my name.

Aibu or was he wrong to have a go at me?

So this prince of a man throws £300 into the family pot and expects everything else, including holidays, to be covered by you and has the gall to to be outraged that you have debt on a card he has not paid a penny towards clearing in years despite it being used for family spends.

I think your plan to move the debt to a 0% is a good one.

Next step work out what you both need to pay proportionate to your income for joint expenses.

Remove your debit card from the Amazon account - your priory is clearing the JOINTLY accrued debt on the cc card so he can spend his own money on treats.

He’s enjoyed having a cheap ride through family life til now. If he wants to start shouting the odds about debt and spending, he can start contributing his fair share.

Unless it’s dripfed that he’s earning £500 a month and provides all childcare and does all housework, I will jump on a person who presumably works full time, and contributes such a puny amount when they have two children, and are giving their shit about finances they have actively avoided discussing for years.

Their partner* shit…

Presumably…

I bet you don’t jump on a woman based on presuming …

Well that is another interesting take - so a woman should be scorned and name called and have no right to access or have any say in the family finances unless she does 100% of the childcare and all the housework and still finds at way to contribute at least £300 - at that point, then she might be allowed to be part of the financial conversations and should have less name calling directed at her.

This thread is awful. Far too many people jumping on a lower earning partner (man) for not paying his way without knowing anything about the circumstances

How little does he earn that he can only put in 300 pounds a month?

If he is a SAHP, why hasn't the OP mentioned it?

I
don’t
know

that’s the bloody point. We don’t know, so until we do it’s a bit must to berate someone (unless it’s a man, who must be at fault!)

• a bit much

No. You didn’t read that right. I said unless there’s a drip feed coming along those lines…

It’s fairly safe to assume he’s working, probably full time unless there’s unmentioned health issues, he’s unlikely to be providing childcare (not impossible but as an unusual situation I’d have thought the OP would likely make mention), then someone contributing such a tiny amount to the family pot deserves derision.

This is a list of the average salary in the UK, broken down by region:

United Kingdom 33,000
London 41,866
South East 34,431
Scotland 33,332
East 32,539
West Midlands 31,601
South West 31,339
North West 30,716
Wales 30,596
East Midlands 30,326
Yorkshire and The Humber 30,000
Northern Ireland 30,000
North East 29,521

I used a much, much lower example of just £12k a year, and still I think that £300 a month is too low to contribute a household whereby you’ve produced two children.

If he worked part time, provided childcare and took on the majority (if not entire) share of the domestic load, then it’s different. But as that is an unusual situation, especially for a male partner, and the OP has made no mention of such a set-up, and he has a credit card with such a limit (this is key), then I think it’s fair to say that none of that is likely to be the case. Ergo, he contributes way too little.

Would a SAHP be able to have a CC with such a limit, if there was no proof of earnings? Unlikely.

I think he is being unreasonable to change how you've always done things.
To have a problem all of a sudden when he hasn't in the past is very strange.

You earn more and have never questioned what he spends, I think you sound lovely and I agree with you.

I wouldn't have told him to F off, but cutting up the card was the only reasonable course of action imo.

What are your household outgoings and what does he earn?

He shounds like a cheeky cunt to me, never mind a CF.

You are going to be shocked to find out there are many women who do not do 100% of the domestic load and childcare and contribute 0 to the family pot who still have access to the money and who aren't seen as deserving of name calling. Some don't even have young children at home.

Yes, but you’d presume they have spoken about and arranged this with their partners, that they’re both happy (do you think the OP sounds happy with their set up?), and likely she wouldn’t refuse to talk finances and then lay into her partner for his spending on a credit card that he pays for…

Would you really support her in that?

Well we need to wait for her to answer. As right now simoly as he’s a bloke women are piling in and calling him a joke, pathetic, a cunt. When if a man said my wife only contributed 300 eveyrine would be like yes but how much does she earn and what does she do at home.

sexism. Truly alive on here.

Well yes until,he questioned why he’d 7 grand of debt in his name. She did sound happy

I have skimmed the thread, so forgive me if my suggestions are repeats.

1. Grab that £7k by the balls. Stoozing is still a thing, and if you move it to a 0% interest card and carry on making payments the size you are now you will clear it a lot quicker. Move it to 0% and throw £300 a month at it, or more if you can.
2. Talk to DH about the cost of living. £7k actually isn't that big, although I appreciate it looks a lot and feels a big burden. If it feels big to you, imagine how enormous it must feel to a DH who honestly believes that £300 a month is enough to contribute to family expenses.
3. If he really can't afford to contribute more, he still needs a Budget 101 lesson - and so do you, a bit. None of which is a disaster. You need to learn cheaper ways of accessing credit if you need it, and to avoid ways of needing it. He needs to understand the family finances a bit better, to learn that they are a shared responsibility (I'm shocked that he went on a family holiday without knowing how it was being paid for!) and to support you, not undermine you.

You can do this! And it should strengthen your marriage as you will become more equal partners, with him contributing common sense and help to the budgeting process even if he can't afford more money.

But he contributes to the debt, and he is the one who receives the monthly statements. She’s the one who pays them.

For every misognistic sexist women hating comment you read on the internet, you only have to come to Mumsnet to find an equally sexist, angry, man hating comment. Some boards blame women for everything, make sexist assumptions, name call etc and this board blames men for everything, makes sexist assumptions and name calls. The hate women and hate men boards read almost identically in terms of the comments made - just the hate is directed at different sexes.

MN is full of people who are SAHP or only work PT.
There are those that cannot work due to disabilities or due to retirement, there are even multiple housewives on here who just don’t work.

So why is everyone being about the fact that he contributes only £300 when OP has said multiple times that she’s the higher earner and therefore it sounds as though £300 is proportional to his earnings.
If it wasn’t I’m sure OP would have said in her first post.

It's not necessarily true that someone with low or even no earnings wouldn't have a credit card with a £7k limit. XH at one time had no income at all - his business wasn't yet making a profit so he did the early years childcare (after a fashion, but that's another story) while my not well-paid but steady job covered the bills. We each had a credit card and I paid them both off. The cc company kept increasing his limit but not mine, until he could have borrowed about twice as much as I could (12k vs 6k I think it was, that ball park anyway). I can only put this down to everyday sexism and hope it's improved in recent years. But the point is, they didn't even know and didn't ever ask whether he had an income, or why it wasn't his name on the payments. They just knew they got paid every month and were happy with that. In OP's case we gather the cc has belonged to him for some years so they might well have asked questions when he first took it out, the answers to which no longer apply.

Putting a holiday on a credit card does add protection BUT only if paid for by first card holder a second card holder doesn't get this protection. This is very important.

I think perhaps he got a shock at having 7k debt that is ultimately in his name. Probably best to sit down and agree a plan together for clearing the 7k. Not keen on some posts heavily criticising his £300 a month contribution- this could well be a percentage split based on earnings. Which is reasonable, regardless of the gender of the person paying less.

He's got a cheek as he uses the card and pays nothing towards it. He only pays £300 towards the home ...wow he's got a cushy thing going on.

I'd go through all the purchases he's made on the card and let him pay his share off.

Add up what's yours and transfer to my own card....make sure you split the holiday and other family stuff equally..... leave his half on his card.

Could be seen as petty but I wouldn't care .
Oh and get your card details off his amazon etc.... let him buy his own stuff.

You both need to calm down and have a long conversation about money. Does he earn so little that the sun total of his contribution to the expenses of a family of 4 is £300 per month? That seems extraordinarily low unless he's working pt.