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Original poster

was dh a dick to react like this

207 replies

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 10:37

Good morning

So I need to get some perspective on this.

Dh and I have been married for 10 years. 1 DS and 1 DD. A happy marriage ( or so I thought) with no real issues.

We have a credit card. It’s actually a card that belonged to him, however I was added as a joint card holder many years ago and it’s kind of been ‘our’ card, if that makes sense. I definitely use it more than him and I also pay the bill out of my bank each via direct debit.
At the moment there is about 7k on there which is more than I’d like, but there is a reason for that. Dh must get the statements etc so I assume he knows. We both have a card and we don’t really discuss who spends what. I pay the bill as I earn more so I am happy to pay for a few extra things. It doesn’t bother me what dh has spent, I just see it as ‘our’ bill. There is no real reason why we use this card and me not just get my own - it's just kind of a situation that we have falled into. We have other accounts/financial products that are joint and also some individual ones ( I have a car loan)

Yesterday dh had the credit card statement emailed. Again, I am assume he gets this every month? He got really arsey with me about it and started questioning the transactions etc – why did you buy this etc etc etc. I was really shocked as we have never been like that with each other.

It ended up in a row with me telling him to fuck off. I have cut up the card and will not use it again. I reminded him that I pay the bill, which is know is a childish comment as we are married. He has not paid a penny towards that card for many many years. I am fine with that, but I don’t expect to be treated like a twat. I appreciate that it's debt in his name, but I really struggle with that being an issue as we are married and are supposed to be a team. There have been times when he has had things in my name. His car loan was actually in my name as I got offered a better rate - no problem as it saved us money.

I am going to get my own card and transfer the balance from it into my name.

Aibu or was he wrong to have a go at me?

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 21/04/2023 12:08

300 towards mortgage and bills and food and gas?

TheVanguardSix · 21/04/2023 12:09

Yeah, don't cry, OP. 😔
I can't speak for everyone, but God knows so many of us have been in your place where we're not keeping track of our spending and debt is piling up.
I have no debt now at 51 but I was awash in debt in my 30s and into my early 40s. I had similar arguments with my then-husband. Goodness, I felt such shame, like I was being so frivolous (I wasn't at all). Learning to really manage my finances better and crucially, getting out of debt felt SO good, that I became more savvy and on the ball about my spending. Believe me, I still go through spending frenzies once in a very blue moon, but I don't rack up any debt.

TheMatriarchy · 21/04/2023 12:19

Why does he contribute so little? That's what Id expect a young adult to contribute who was still living at home. Does he have a job, does he make up for it in other ways (childcare housework etc)? It must be hard having the whole financial burden of the household on you. Sounds like its a good starting point for a frank conversation around money. I think he needs to contribute more unless he has health problems preventing this (in which case does he claim support for this).

ReadersD1gest · 21/04/2023 12:20

Putting a holiday on your credit card is dumb...

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2023 12:20

I would look at seeing if you can get a loan and better interest rate op. Credit card interest rates are very high and in 2 years if you’ve paid off the 7k, you may actually have had to pay back, idk, 10k for example.

AIGenerated · 21/04/2023 12:21

As a couple, you need to have a rational discussion about finances. No one shouting or accusing.

Credit card debt of £7k, which will take you two years to clear, is significant. If you could clear it in 3 months, not so much.

He was wrong to go off on one. You were wrong to shout back.

Money is a major cause of argume ts and stress in relationships, so address it calmly and head-on.

CatNoBag · 21/04/2023 12:25

I'd say the problem is that you seem to have separate finances, but lots of crossovers that don't get discussed. A credit card is a form of debt, so even if you're using it to pay for family things like holidays, you need to discuss it. I presume he's using your Amazon account etc rather than using your card to pay on his own account, in which case he needs to set up his own or use his own card. He's probably cancelling out a lot of his contribution to the 'joint account' by using your cash, not sure why you've allowed this! It sounds like you need to either decide that everything goes into one pot, or have completely separate finances. And if you're using a CC to buy something and can't afford to pay it off, you can't afford to buy it. Unless it's an emergency, either scale down the spending or wait until you can afford it.

CatNoBag · 21/04/2023 12:28

CatNoBag · 21/04/2023 12:25

I'd say the problem is that you seem to have separate finances, but lots of crossovers that don't get discussed. A credit card is a form of debt, so even if you're using it to pay for family things like holidays, you need to discuss it. I presume he's using your Amazon account etc rather than using your card to pay on his own account, in which case he needs to set up his own or use his own card. He's probably cancelling out a lot of his contribution to the 'joint account' by using your cash, not sure why you've allowed this! It sounds like you need to either decide that everything goes into one pot, or have completely separate finances. And if you're using a CC to buy something and can't afford to pay it off, you can't afford to buy it. Unless it's an emergency, either scale down the spending or wait until you can afford it.

I'm saying this as someone who can be a bit shit at managing money/debt, but my finances are completely separate to DH (I'm also the much higher earner) so it will always be my problem to solve (and I always do, sooner or later).

Pixiedust1234 · 21/04/2023 12:31

For context, I pay most the household bills as I earn more. dh contributes £300 per month to the joint account and that is his contribution to our household expenses.

Why is he paying so little? Where is his money going? Time for a proper discussion and start unravelling this mess. You should pay a proportion of your wages.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 21/04/2023 12:33

ReadersD1gest · 21/04/2023 12:20

Putting a holiday on your credit card is dumb...

Well it's not because it adds protection. In fact all large purchases should be on cc but you should also be able to clear it. Not build up debt.

FloydPepper · 21/04/2023 12:33

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 11:57

I am sitting here in tears. I know I was wrong to be abusive but I can't help but feel he was unfair.

For context, I pay most the household bills as I earn more. dh contributes £300 per month to the joint account and that is his contribution to our household expenses. He has let me deal witht he money for years and years and YES I should have been more communicative, however I am not some spendy wife who has an extravagant life.

You pay more because you earn more. This is fair. It’s not a reason you can hold over your husband as to why he doesn’t deserve to have loads of debt on a card in his name.

a man using the “I earn more and pay more so I gave more say” would soon get told how out of order that is.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 21/04/2023 12:35

I would apologize for how I addressed it last night, but lay everything out on the table. Get the direct debits standing orders together, get your income and set a practical budget to deal with it. It doesn't have to a slanging match,even if he has been frivolous you can't get a refund on things you have used up. I would think he needs to pay more £300:0 wouldn't cover food rent or fuel bills in our house. How you apportion each others contributions is up to you. in our house my oh pays two thirds and I pay one third and I have recently been on JSA and I have still paid my third from my savings. He would support me but I wouldn't ask him to. It needs sorting out as it is grossly unfair for you to be paying his credit card bill if is is for non essentials.

You can sort it out with a calm talk

FloydPepper · 21/04/2023 12:35

CiderJolly · 21/04/2023 12:01

£300?! Really?! That’s a pathetic contribution.

He earns less so pays less. Without knowing more you can’t say it’s wrong.

diddl · 21/04/2023 12:36

If he only pays £300, what does he do with the rest of his money?

Why haven't you asked him to pay towards the joint debt?

2yrs seems a long time to pay off £7000.

YellowGreenBlue · 21/04/2023 12:37

Really lots of things wrong here. He is absolutely in the wrong for making such a small contribution to household expenses and then getting arsey with you.

But on the other hand I would never put a holiday on a credit card (unless it was for protection purposes and I then paid it off immediately). Better not to go on holiday than get into debt for it IMO.

So I think maybe you both need to sit down together and have a proper discussion about your approach to finances.

Undisclosedlocation · 21/04/2023 12:37

I’m confused. You say that as a married team, you view all finances/cards etc as joint. Fair enough (that’s what we do too and it works great for us)
But your finances are VERY much separate if he only puts £300 into the pot! It’s clear that you have very different opinions on what ‘joint’ means!
He sounds like an absolute tool tbh. A Screeching tantrum over a debt that has been racked up in part due to the tight bastard not paying his way? Time for a long overdue discussion and overhaul of your whole finances imo

ILikeCatsandDogs · 21/04/2023 12:40

Hi OP, I’d say he was a dick and you have every right to lose yourself for a minute. It seems to me he wants to be more invested in a side of the relationship that he’s never been really interested in before and he approached it very badly. I have had this with my husband and I have also done this to my husband. He should have found a rational way of approaching you rather than the sticking his nose in method but he did it that way so now he has to make it up to you by being extra lovely and find a better approach. I would tell him this though as he might not know how nice he should be being right now.

Justlovedogs · 21/04/2023 12:40

Don't cry, OP. I think I understand. You've both spent money, both increased the balance and now he's suddenly got the arse about what you've spent but isn't bothered about what he's added to it even though you're the one that pays the bill. I would have been angry, too. If he had concerns, a conversation about the card, balance and usage would have been in order, but finger pointing isn't attractive or helpful.
Given how you split your finances, my course of action would be a 0% balance transfer to you so you can manage the existing balance and tell him he's now responsible for his card, spends and balance. Future joint family spends need to be discussed before paying for them so you agree who pays what. Good luck. Flowers

Justlovedogs · 21/04/2023 12:42

Sorry, don't know where the Angry came from, should have been Flowers!

Justlovedogs · 21/04/2023 12:43

Argh! It should be flowers!!!!

BumpyaDaisyevna · 21/04/2023 12:51

I think you need to find a way to talk about money.

It is odd that you go on holidays and both parents do not know how this is being financed/funded. How do you both agree what you can afford?

I organise all our finances but I have "meetings" about them every month at least with DH - to agree the spending for that month.

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2023 12:52

FloydPepper · 21/04/2023 12:35

He earns less so pays less. Without knowing more you can’t say it’s wrong.

Show quote history

What you can say though is that it’s no wonder there’s £7,000 of debt accrued if there’s only one wage earner responsible for most of the family expenses.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 12:54

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2023 12:52

What you can say though is that it’s no wonder there’s £7,000 of debt accrued if there’s only one wage earner responsible for most of the family expenses.

Show quote history

That isn't that uncommon. If you read these boards there are many women who contribute nothing or almost nothing to the family finances.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/04/2023 12:55

You need to talk op.

Why are you putting so much on a credit card? Going on holiday on credit card so when you can't afford it?

How much do you both earn? Why does he pay so little?

WilsonMilson · 21/04/2023 12:57

Well, what the fuck are you spending it on? You say you pay every month, but you’re not clearing the balance and have allowed a £7k debt to accrue which you will be paying a fair amount of interest on.

If you were clearing the balance each month, your dh doesn’t have the right to get arsey, although you should still discuss big purchases. As it is, he had every right to be annoyed that you’ve run up a £7k debt in his name.
Team DH on this one, you’re irresponsible with money and have run up debt.