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Original poster

was dh a dick to react like this

207 replies

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 10:37

Good morning

So I need to get some perspective on this.

Dh and I have been married for 10 years. 1 DS and 1 DD. A happy marriage ( or so I thought) with no real issues.

We have a credit card. It’s actually a card that belonged to him, however I was added as a joint card holder many years ago and it’s kind of been ‘our’ card, if that makes sense. I definitely use it more than him and I also pay the bill out of my bank each via direct debit.
At the moment there is about 7k on there which is more than I’d like, but there is a reason for that. Dh must get the statements etc so I assume he knows. We both have a card and we don’t really discuss who spends what. I pay the bill as I earn more so I am happy to pay for a few extra things. It doesn’t bother me what dh has spent, I just see it as ‘our’ bill. There is no real reason why we use this card and me not just get my own - it's just kind of a situation that we have falled into. We have other accounts/financial products that are joint and also some individual ones ( I have a car loan)

Yesterday dh had the credit card statement emailed. Again, I am assume he gets this every month? He got really arsey with me about it and started questioning the transactions etc – why did you buy this etc etc etc. I was really shocked as we have never been like that with each other.

It ended up in a row with me telling him to fuck off. I have cut up the card and will not use it again. I reminded him that I pay the bill, which is know is a childish comment as we are married. He has not paid a penny towards that card for many many years. I am fine with that, but I don’t expect to be treated like a twat. I appreciate that it's debt in his name, but I really struggle with that being an issue as we are married and are supposed to be a team. There have been times when he has had things in my name. His car loan was actually in my name as I got offered a better rate - no problem as it saved us money.

I am going to get my own card and transfer the balance from it into my name.

Aibu or was he wrong to have a go at me?

OP posts:
daisymoonlight · 21/04/2023 13:36

CheeseMcKnees · 21/04/2023 13:36

If it has £7k on it, then you haven’t been paying the bill?

she probably cant if he only contributes £300 to the entire family's expenses

Whichnumbers · 21/04/2023 13:37

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 11:41

Thanks for replies. I should have been more specific that the 7k isn't just my stuff - it's money that has been spent on family things, plus some of it was balance transfers that we made to the card from a couple of cards that had higher rates. I pay a fixed amount every month and am looking to have it cleared in 2 years.

I think that everyone's relationship is differnet however I have just never seen it as 'his and hers'. He has my debit card linked to his amazon, paypal etc and sometimes things will come out of my bank that he has purchased etc. Sorry to rabbit on - I am just trying to set the scene of how things are for us financially.

Some of the 7k was for a holiday. I tend to do all of the 'life admin' stuff so we probably didn't discuss how it was being paid for, however he was very happy to go on holiday didn't ask or show any concern regarding how it was being paid for! I think that perhaps communication is the issue.

I agree that the 7k needs to be repaid and that it's a lot.

You need to sit down and sort your finances so you are both clear about what is being spent and how you are paying for these items/holdiays etc

If you both spent the £7k then are you both paying it off?

id sort out joint accounts for bills, savings, savings for holidays, weekends away, Christmas, birthdays etc and then a set amount of personal money that you each have to spend,so you don't get back in this same position again

its a wake up call to the fact your misalign on money presently and need to sort it out

Comefromaway · 21/04/2023 13:38

daisymoonlight · 21/04/2023 13:34

When I first read your thread I was all ready to say you are being unreasonable but then you dropped the fact he only contributes £300? £300?!!! Thats absolutely pathetic for a grown adult man- why isnt he contributing more?- surely he has a full time job and can contribute more than that, even on a lower wage?

Hell would freeze over before I let a man who only contributed a measly £300 to the entire family expenses lecture me about money.

BLOODY HELL, I'll tell him to fuck off too

We have no idea of the circumstances. At various points in our lives either me or dh was earning very little for various reasons including study (dh did a PGCE full time) childcare, loss of a job, starting a business, ill health.

If he is contributing that little despite earning a full time wage of course it is not on.

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 21/04/2023 13:39

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 11:57

I am sitting here in tears. I know I was wrong to be abusive but I can't help but feel he was unfair.

For context, I pay most the household bills as I earn more. dh contributes £300 per month to the joint account and that is his contribution to our household expenses. He has let me deal witht he money for years and years and YES I should have been more communicative, however I am not some spendy wife who has an extravagant life.

£300 is not a reasonable contribution to family finances if he is working full time/not facilitating childcare to enable you to work more etc. Why is he contributing so little?

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 13:39

Sorry, wait. His ONLY contribution to household costs is £300 each month?

You make the payments for this card, even if he spends on it, and he’s having a go at you, and his only outgoings towards family life is £300??????

Yeah, I don’t think you’re ‘abusive’. I think he needs to hear some more home truths.

Open your own CC, transfer the balance, make no more payments on his card, and do not give him access to yours.

reminded him that I pay the bill, which is know is a childish comment as we are married. He has not paid a penny towards that card for many many years. I am fine with that, but I don’t expect to be treated like a twat

I don’t think you were unreasonable ^

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2023 13:39

He’s justified if what you bought was frivolous. It’s very subjective. If last month you spent £500 on a new coat, 3 new pairs of trainers and £60 gravy boat, of course most husbands would have a pop at you about your spending.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 13:40

Cannot get over the utterly pathetic amount that he contributes. He is a joke.

I paid more than that to my parents when I got my first graduate job after Uni, before I moved out properly.

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 21/04/2023 13:41

£300 a month. Jesus he must be rolling in cash.
Why does he contribute so little?

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 13:41

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2023 13:39

He’s justified if what you bought was frivolous. It’s very subjective. If last month you spent £500 on a new coat, 3 new pairs of trainers and £60 gravy boat, of course most husbands would have a pop at you about your spending.

Seeing as she pays the bills and he only contributes £300 to family life, I think she can spend what the fuck she wants.

diddl · 21/04/2023 13:42

I am going to get my own card and transfer the balance from it into my name.

Why wouldn't you just pay it off before you get another card?

As pps have said you really need to talk about finances.

Perhaps he's most pissed off that the debt is in his name?

That said he's been happy enough to use the card knowing that you pay it!

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 13:42

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 13:40

Cannot get over the utterly pathetic amount that he contributes. He is a joke.

I paid more than that to my parents when I got my first graduate job after Uni, before I moved out properly.

This is appalling and you don’t even know how much either earn, what’s wrong with you? Plenty of people earn low or even don’t work and their partners support them. Do you run around calling them a joke?

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 13:43

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 21/04/2023 13:41

£300 a month. Jesus he must be rolling in cash.
Why does he contribute so little?

How? How much does he earn?

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 13:43

@Daisiesandprimroses an adult man with a credit card with a £7000 limit is going to be earning more than £300 a month.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 21/04/2023 13:44

Jesus; £300 a month?!?

There are teenagers living with their parents who pay more than that in keep.

He's a grown ass man with kids to support; what on earth does he think his money pays for??

Boomboom22 · 21/04/2023 13:46

Why the fuck does he pay like a child? Absolute minimum from an adult would be 1k for mortgage, bills and food and tbh I don't see how that would really be enough. How much do you contribute then?

OldFan · 21/04/2023 13:46

300 it would seem to me could go towards his own basic living expenses but he wouldn't be putting in much towards the rent/mortgage.

And if you have any kids he isn't helping financially with stuff for them.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 13:48

OldFan · 21/04/2023 13:46

300 it would seem to me could go towards his own basic living expenses but he wouldn't be putting in much towards the rent/mortgage.

And if you have any kids he isn't helping financially with stuff for them.

£300 is basically the monthly CC bill if they're paying £7k off in 2 years

FloydPepper · 21/04/2023 13:50

daisymoonlight · 21/04/2023 13:34

When I first read your thread I was all ready to say you are being unreasonable but then you dropped the fact he only contributes £300? £300?!!! Thats absolutely pathetic for a grown adult man- why isnt he contributing more?- surely he has a full time job and can contribute more than that, even on a lower wage?

Hell would freeze over before I let a man who only contributed a measly £300 to the entire family expenses lecture me about money.

BLOODY HELL, I'll tell him to fuck off too

for you and all the other posters saying 300 Ava pittance and too low

we do not know that!

until we know what their costs and relative earnings are (an op may not share that) we category not know if the 300 is a fair contribution or not.

many many lower earning women pay that E less and it’s quite correct and fair so please stop assuming this man isn’t paying fairly just because he’s a man.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 13:50

Well this will be a good thread to link on other threads where the woman either doesn't contribute at all or only minimally....know we know how people really feel - she has no say in anything to do with family finances, has no right to know or question debt or how he spends, has no right to his money, is generally just pathetic, a loser of a grown ass woman, acting like she is a child, he can spend what the fuck he wants and she needs to keep her mouth shut...

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 13:50

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 13:42

This is appalling and you don’t even know how much either earn, what’s wrong with you? Plenty of people earn low or even don’t work and their partners support them. Do you run around calling them a joke?

Show quote history

Even if this joke earns just £12k a year (equivalent of NMW for 25 hours a week), that’s a take-home of £1,000 PCM. Nice and simple.

Do you think it’s acceptable that he contributes less than one-third of his income to the family pot (a family with which he has fathered two children), leaving his wife to pay for absolutely everything else, and leaving himself with £700 in fun tokens?

You don’t think that makes him a joke?

You don’t think that he received the monthly statements for the card each month, enabling him to see what was in it, but still didn’t bother to communicate with his wife about finances, doesn’t make him a joke?

You think not taking responsibility for his own credit card, doesn’t make him a joke?

Wow. Your standards must be a lot lower than mine.

OldFan · 21/04/2023 13:52

Absolute minimum from an adult would be 1k for mortgage, bills and food and tbh I don't see how that would really be enough

@Boomboom22 He could be careful with his outgoings and choose not to spend much on food etc for himself personally.

But OP shouldn't be left out of pocket or having to cover more for any kids they have than is reasonable given what money he gets.

No one should be going on holiday if they can't afford it. Goes without saying.

Titusgroan · 21/04/2023 13:54

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your db to ask about all the spending on the card.
You have stated you think everything is equal.
So he has equal rights to know where your joint ( equal ) earnings are going.
Just explain the transactions

FloydPepper · 21/04/2023 13:54

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 13:50

Well this will be a good thread to link on other threads where the woman either doesn't contribute at all or only minimally....know we know how people really feel - she has no say in anything to do with family finances, has no right to know or question debt or how he spends, has no right to his money, is generally just pathetic, a loser of a grown ass woman, acting like she is a child, he can spend what the fuck he wants and she needs to keep her mouth shut...

This thread is awful. Far too many people jumping on a lower earning partner (man) for not paying his way without knowing anything about the circumstances.

mumsnet at its finest!

Turfwars · 21/04/2023 13:56

There's discussing finances, and there's being given a bollocking by your partner without talking it through. You are both adults and you deserve to be treated like one.

I would do a balance transfer to my own card, but what I would also do is a total audit of what you both bring in, and what it gets spent on and adjust his £300 per month accordingly so it's fair.

Cherryblossoms85 · 21/04/2023 13:57

Hang on, he pays £300 to household expenses each month and that's it?? WTH does he earn, £450?? Because tbh that sounds like he's a massive CF. Then criticising debt that has built up due to joint activities takes the biscuit. Initially I thought YABU but fuck me you're married to a wanker!