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Original poster

was dh a dick to react like this

207 replies

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 10:37

Good morning

So I need to get some perspective on this.

Dh and I have been married for 10 years. 1 DS and 1 DD. A happy marriage ( or so I thought) with no real issues.

We have a credit card. It’s actually a card that belonged to him, however I was added as a joint card holder many years ago and it’s kind of been ‘our’ card, if that makes sense. I definitely use it more than him and I also pay the bill out of my bank each via direct debit.
At the moment there is about 7k on there which is more than I’d like, but there is a reason for that. Dh must get the statements etc so I assume he knows. We both have a card and we don’t really discuss who spends what. I pay the bill as I earn more so I am happy to pay for a few extra things. It doesn’t bother me what dh has spent, I just see it as ‘our’ bill. There is no real reason why we use this card and me not just get my own - it's just kind of a situation that we have falled into. We have other accounts/financial products that are joint and also some individual ones ( I have a car loan)

Yesterday dh had the credit card statement emailed. Again, I am assume he gets this every month? He got really arsey with me about it and started questioning the transactions etc – why did you buy this etc etc etc. I was really shocked as we have never been like that with each other.

It ended up in a row with me telling him to fuck off. I have cut up the card and will not use it again. I reminded him that I pay the bill, which is know is a childish comment as we are married. He has not paid a penny towards that card for many many years. I am fine with that, but I don’t expect to be treated like a twat. I appreciate that it's debt in his name, but I really struggle with that being an issue as we are married and are supposed to be a team. There have been times when he has had things in my name. His car loan was actually in my name as I got offered a better rate - no problem as it saved us money.

I am going to get my own card and transfer the balance from it into my name.

Aibu or was he wrong to have a go at me?

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 21/04/2023 16:16

I agree with others that you don’t seem to be particularly financially savvy in some ways. You’ve done things like moving higher interest balances onto your lowest interest card, and that’s sensible. But the most basic part of being financially savvy is not spending money you don’t have on things you don’t need. And it sounds like you might both be a bit guilty of that - possibly because you never seem to talk candidly about the limits of your finances - what you can afford as a family and how to pay for it. Are you planning for the future? Pensions, savings, college fund for your kids? It’s not a reason for anyone to be shouting at anyone though. It needs to be a calm discussion.

I’m a bit concerned about the picture you’ve painted of your family life - you paying for most things and doing all the life admin. Does he pull his weight? Is his 300/month contribution fairly reflective of how much he earns compared to you? If so, given that 7k is a lot of debt, you can’t be a particularly high earner so it seems like he can’t be working full time. If he’s doing the childcare or he’s disabled or something that may well be reasonable. But if not it’s beginning to sound like a dodgy situation you’re in. Is everything fair?

Wheresthebeach · 21/04/2023 16:18

What % of each of your earnings go into the family pot? It needs to be the same and £300 isn’t a lot but we don’t know if it’s fair without more info.

In any event you two need to sit down and discuss how to manage finances without drama.

CantGetDecentNickname · 21/04/2023 16:40

weirdoboelady · 21/04/2023 14:20

I have skimmed the thread, so forgive me if my suggestions are repeats.

  1. Grab that £7k by the balls. Stoozing is still a thing, and if you move it to a 0% interest card and carry on making payments the size you are now you will clear it a lot quicker. Move it to 0% and throw £300 a month at it, or more if you can.
  2. Talk to DH about the cost of living. £7k actually isn't that big, although I appreciate it looks a lot and feels a big burden. If it feels big to you, imagine how enormous it must feel to a DH who honestly believes that £300 a month is enough to contribute to family expenses.
  3. If he really can't afford to contribute more, he still needs a Budget 101 lesson - and so do you, a bit. None of which is a disaster. You need to learn cheaper ways of accessing credit if you need it, and to avoid ways of needing it. He needs to understand the family finances a bit better, to learn that they are a shared responsibility (I'm shocked that he went on a family holiday without knowing how it was being paid for!) and to support you, not undermine you.

You can do this! And it should strengthen your marriage as you will become more equal partners, with him contributing common sense and help to the budgeting process even if he can't afford more money.

I agree with this - move to 0% interest card and don't buy anything else on that card (stops being 0% if you do), just focus on paying it off. Try to live within your means by communicating and budgeting together. Look at what you spend on bills, food, kids expenses, etc and see where you can reduce that. Don't book another holiday until the debt is significantly reduced or you won't clear it.

1offnamechange · 21/04/2023 16:42

why on earth is he only putting £300 a month towards household expenses for 4 people???
I spent more than that just on renting my one room in a student hovel 15 years ago! He is absolutely taking the piss there! What does he spend the rest of his wage on? I assume you don't have that much to spend on treats for yourself?

BadNomad · 21/04/2023 16:48

I'd freak out too if I suddenly discovered I had £7k in debt. You can't say you pay for stuff when what you're actually doing is just passing the costs over to his credit card then only paying a little bit off each month. So I think he's right to be annoyed that this has been happening. But he needs to start taking responsibility for his financial ignorance about what goes on in his family.

Naunet · 21/04/2023 16:58

BadNomad · 21/04/2023 16:48

I'd freak out too if I suddenly discovered I had £7k in debt. You can't say you pay for stuff when what you're actually doing is just passing the costs over to his credit card then only paying a little bit off each month. So I think he's right to be annoyed that this has been happening. But he needs to start taking responsibility for his financial ignorance about what goes on in his family.

He helped run this debt up and isn’t paying it off, OP is, so why on earth is it fair of him to blame OP for debt he contributed to?

MonsterMunchengladbach · 21/04/2023 16:59

Further thought. If you can transfer the balance to a different 0% card, cut the card up so you can't add to the debt. I never need to cut them up because I just lose them, but the effect is the same.

BadNomad · 21/04/2023 17:06

Naunet · 21/04/2023 16:58

He helped run this debt up and isn’t paying it off, OP is, so why on earth is it fair of him to blame OP for debt he contributed to?

Show quote history

He didn't run up £7k of debt. He didn't know there was £7k of debt. He didn't know £7k of debt was in his name. Hence why he needs to pull his finger out and take responsibility for not knowing what is going on with finances in his home. If he had paid more attention he might have been able to say "no we can't afford that."

Daffodilsandtuplips · 21/04/2023 17:07

If the card is in his name he’s right to question it, it’s irrespective of whether you ‘Pay the bill’ or not, the debt is still in his name and it will him who will be saddled with it should you ever default on paying the debt that you’ve accumulated. By paying it off do you mean just the minimum or a significant sum to clear the debt? It sounds to me that you’re not paying it off every month this is accumulated debt plus interest charges.
It’s a wise decision to get a card in your own name and transfer the 7k debt onto that.
Make it clear that this card is for you only and from now on he’s responsible for any purchases on the old one and he is to pay it.

EllaPaella · 21/04/2023 17:07

My DH earns double what I do but if he ran up £7k of credit card debt without discussion I would definitely be annoyed and concerned.

Naunet · 21/04/2023 17:11

BadNomad · 21/04/2023 17:06

He didn't run up £7k of debt. He didn't know there was £7k of debt. He didn't know £7k of debt was in his name. Hence why he needs to pull his finger out and take responsibility for not knowing what is going on with finances in his home. If he had paid more attention he might have been able to say "no we can't afford that."

Show quote history

Read OP posts, there aren’t many. She said he helped spend this money, and she would know far better than you do, wouldn’t she?

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 17:13

Naunet · 21/04/2023 16:58

He helped run this debt up and isn’t paying it off, OP is, so why on earth is it fair of him to blame OP for debt he contributed to?

Show quote history

Quite. He helped produce the debt. He is the sole recipient of the monthly statements for said debt. And he it’s nothing towards this debt.

It’s laughable that posters are defending him.

Naunet · 21/04/2023 17:14

Daffodilsandtuplips · 21/04/2023 17:07

If the card is in his name he’s right to question it, it’s irrespective of whether you ‘Pay the bill’ or not, the debt is still in his name and it will him who will be saddled with it should you ever default on paying the debt that you’ve accumulated. By paying it off do you mean just the minimum or a significant sum to clear the debt? It sounds to me that you’re not paying it off every month this is accumulated debt plus interest charges.
It’s a wise decision to get a card in your own name and transfer the 7k debt onto that.
Make it clear that this card is for you only and from now on he’s responsible for any purchases on the old one and he is to pay it.

I agree except with transferring the whole 7k debt onto your new card, no way would that be fair when he’s been enjoying that money too. Also remove your card and PayPal from his Amazon account and transfer the car debt back to him.

BadNomad · 21/04/2023 17:15

Naunet · 21/04/2023 17:11

Read OP posts, there aren’t many. She said he helped spend this money, and she would know far better than you do, wouldn’t she?

Show quote history

Where did I say he didn't spend on it? He didn't spend £0, but he didn't spend £7k. Yet he is legally responsible for all of that £7k. And if he was going to be legally responsible for all of that £7k then he should have been able to say no to it. But he didn't know what was being put on that card because it was not discussed. OP just did it. He didn't get a choice to say no.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 21/04/2023 17:18

OP ignore my previous post. From reading more of your updates it appears you’ve been carrying the financial burden for years. I still abide by what I said about him being the one responsible for paying it should you stop paying it for what ever reason,
Hes been happy to benefit from the debt so he should contribute more than he does, if that’s possible.

raincamepouringdown · 21/04/2023 17:19

I wouldn't transfer the balance onto a card in your own name. Just move the items you bought, and tell him to sort out his own purchases going forward, past and future charges.

Naunet · 21/04/2023 17:19

BadNomad · 21/04/2023 17:15

Where did I say he didn't spend on it? He didn't spend £0, but he didn't spend £7k. Yet he is legally responsible for all of that £7k. And if he was going to be legally responsible for all of that £7k then he should have been able to say no to it. But he didn't know what was being put on that card because it was not discussed. OP just did it. He didn't get a choice to say no.

Show quote history

So you accept he spent some of this money, he had access to all of the statements AND he’s not having to pay it off, but somehow he’s reasonable to blame OP?! Come off it.
Op is currently responsible for his car loan, I wonder how much that’s for…

Boomboom22 · 21/04/2023 17:21

Seriously even working pt 300 is not enough. My bills are at least 1200 with food and fuel excluding mortgage. 3 kids 1 dh and me. And that does not include afterschool club or nursery either. More like 3k and the rest once everything paid for. 300 covers council tax and electric but not gas and water too never mind food, fuel and rent or mortgage!

BadNomad · 21/04/2023 17:27

Naunet · 21/04/2023 17:19

So you accept he spent some of this money, he had access to all of the statements AND he’s not having to pay it off, but somehow he’s reasonable to blame OP?! Come off it.
Op is currently responsible for his car loan, I wonder how much that’s for…

Show quote history

Sigh. Nowhere did I say he is reasonable to blame the OP. I said he's right to be annoyed, because he is. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be annoyed at discovering they were thousands of pounds in debt which isn't from just their own personal spending. It's his fault for being ignorant about it all. If OP stops paying the bill it will take him many years to pay it off. That's if he can even afford the minimum payments. If he can't, then he'll be in trouble.

I find it hard to believe you would be fine with that if it happened to you.

Kittycash · 21/04/2023 17:30

I would tell your dh to start clearing the debt with some of the money he's obviously not contributing to the household pot.
A family and only contributing £300 a month, that is shocking.

OldFan · 21/04/2023 17:32

Read OP posts, there aren’t many. She said he helped spend this money, and she would know far better than you do, wouldn’t she?

Yes but he assumed she was paying for most of it out of her wage not the never-never. That's why he's angry at her running up debt.

But once it's put like that, I don't believe in karma but something's bit him.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 17:34

BadNomad · 21/04/2023 17:15

Where did I say he didn't spend on it? He didn't spend £0, but he didn't spend £7k. Yet he is legally responsible for all of that £7k. And if he was going to be legally responsible for all of that £7k then he should have been able to say no to it. But he didn't know what was being put on that card because it was not discussed. OP just did it. He didn't get a choice to say no.

Show quote history

There was a holiday. Which I imagine created a good chunk of that amount. A holiday he went on happily. If he’s not been checking the statements (because he doesn’t pay) but has been happily using the card (as well as the OP’s debit card…) then his financial ignorance over ‘his’ debt is his own fault.

He pays a paltry sum towards family life. Perhaps he can pay a little bit more and clear some of the debt he has helped to run up.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 21/04/2023 17:37

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 11:57

I am sitting here in tears. I know I was wrong to be abusive but I can't help but feel he was unfair.

For context, I pay most the household bills as I earn more. dh contributes £300 per month to the joint account and that is his contribution to our household expenses. He has let me deal witht he money for years and years and YES I should have been more communicative, however I am not some spendy wife who has an extravagant life.

wow He has a good deal doesn’t he. So he only contributes £300 a month to household expenses and you pay the rest. Is his income expected to increase with time or is this it?

Because it looks like you’re living above your means with him keeping his head in the sand while you struggle to juggle and manage everything.

You should both be working on finances not one person leave it to the other person.

LemonBall · 21/04/2023 17:58

I hope you come back, OP. It sounds as if there's a lot more to this and you've just been jumped on by people (including me) saying £7k is a lot before they read about the £300 etc.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 18:13

Wheresthebeach · 21/04/2023 16:18

What % of each of your earnings go into the family pot? It needs to be the same and £300 isn’t a lot but we don’t know if it’s fair without more info.

In any event you two need to sit down and discuss how to manage finances without drama.

If £300 was proportionally fair there's absolutely no way they'd be in £7000 of credit card debt.