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Original poster

was dh a dick to react like this

207 replies

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 10:37

Good morning

So I need to get some perspective on this.

Dh and I have been married for 10 years. 1 DS and 1 DD. A happy marriage ( or so I thought) with no real issues.

We have a credit card. It’s actually a card that belonged to him, however I was added as a joint card holder many years ago and it’s kind of been ‘our’ card, if that makes sense. I definitely use it more than him and I also pay the bill out of my bank each via direct debit.
At the moment there is about 7k on there which is more than I’d like, but there is a reason for that. Dh must get the statements etc so I assume he knows. We both have a card and we don’t really discuss who spends what. I pay the bill as I earn more so I am happy to pay for a few extra things. It doesn’t bother me what dh has spent, I just see it as ‘our’ bill. There is no real reason why we use this card and me not just get my own - it's just kind of a situation that we have falled into. We have other accounts/financial products that are joint and also some individual ones ( I have a car loan)

Yesterday dh had the credit card statement emailed. Again, I am assume he gets this every month? He got really arsey with me about it and started questioning the transactions etc – why did you buy this etc etc etc. I was really shocked as we have never been like that with each other.

It ended up in a row with me telling him to fuck off. I have cut up the card and will not use it again. I reminded him that I pay the bill, which is know is a childish comment as we are married. He has not paid a penny towards that card for many many years. I am fine with that, but I don’t expect to be treated like a twat. I appreciate that it's debt in his name, but I really struggle with that being an issue as we are married and are supposed to be a team. There have been times when he has had things in my name. His car loan was actually in my name as I got offered a better rate - no problem as it saved us money.

I am going to get my own card and transfer the balance from it into my name.

Aibu or was he wrong to have a go at me?

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/04/2023 11:39

I think the attitude of 'we are married so I can run up 7k of debt in my husbands name' is bloody weird tbh. You have joint finances so you should both know and be totally ok with any debt you are creating. I think its a real breach of trust tbh.

Original poster
stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 11:41

Thanks for replies. I should have been more specific that the 7k isn't just my stuff - it's money that has been spent on family things, plus some of it was balance transfers that we made to the card from a couple of cards that had higher rates. I pay a fixed amount every month and am looking to have it cleared in 2 years.

I think that everyone's relationship is differnet however I have just never seen it as 'his and hers'. He has my debit card linked to his amazon, paypal etc and sometimes things will come out of my bank that he has purchased etc. Sorry to rabbit on - I am just trying to set the scene of how things are for us financially.

Some of the 7k was for a holiday. I tend to do all of the 'life admin' stuff so we probably didn't discuss how it was being paid for, however he was very happy to go on holiday didn't ask or show any concern regarding how it was being paid for! I think that perhaps communication is the issue.

I agree that the 7k needs to be repaid and that it's a lot.

OP posts:
Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 11:41

And you may need to revisit your definition of team op. It’s not well he had rhe statements so I didn’t need to tell him, I pay it and I told him to fuck off.

Comefromaway · 21/04/2023 11:43

If you are having to put the cost of a holiday on a credit card (apart from for consumer protection purposes) then you need to choose cheaper holidays.

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2023 11:44

It just sounds like you need to organise your finances better, tbh.

No extra spending on cards that have balance transfer debts on them, for a start.

Make sure the cards linked to PayPal, Amazon etc are being used for the right things. Have a personal discretionary spending budget each and don’t put random purchases on the credit cards etc.

LemonBall · 21/04/2023 11:46

I'm confused- you say you pay off the card but also that it has £7k sitting on it. Do you mean that you're making the minimum payments?

I wouldn't be spending freely if I had £7k sitting on a card and didn't have the money to pay it. Do you have access to the statements? I once had a card on DH's CC account and hated it- I didn't get sent statements so it made hard to keep track of everything. Might be better to have individual CCs even if they get paid off from family money, just so you can keep on top of it all.

Riverlee · 21/04/2023 11:47

I think you are looking at this from the wrong angle. It’s nothing to do with ‘whose card’ it is, but the money management side of things. Maybe he’s never really looked at the bank statements before, so was shocked at the 7k total. The interest alone must be huge. You say you are managing payments, but obviously not if it’s got so high. Are you only paying the minimum amount?

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 11:50

Also it’s clearly all not joint expense as he was questioning why you’d bought stuff. I’m guessing you were embarassed by the level of debt you’re in and reacted abusively.

EllandRd · 21/04/2023 11:51

What on earth a you buying to run 7K up? I would be angry tbh if this happened to me.

pinkyredrose · 21/04/2023 11:52

You couldn't afford a holiday if you paid by c/c. That was very irresponsible.

Instant credit = instant debt.

sleepyscientist · 21/04/2023 11:52

My credit card balance is similar however it's interest free for another year so I have no interest on paying it off (it's house renovations, flights and professional exams before anyone jumps) could I pay it off if I wanted yeah I could.

Honestly we have joint everything and have had for the last 10 years, it's starting to grate on me a bit now we aren't skint and I'm the higher earned I wish we hadn't done it. Maybe this is the time to get your own card OP.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 11:53

I pay a fixed amount every month and am looking to have it cleared in 2 years.

Has he agreed to no longer spend on it?

Original poster
stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 11:54

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 11:53

I pay a fixed amount every month and am looking to have it cleared in 2 years.

Has he agreed to no longer spend on it?

We haven't discussed it any further

OP posts:
drpet49 · 21/04/2023 11:56

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 11:33

I’m with your husband as well. I’d be furious if my husband racked up seven grand or credit card debt and even more furious if he told me to fuck off when I questioned it, and you’re clearly not paying it off, or you’d not have seven grand on there.

you’re well out of line.

I agree with this

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 11:56

So how are you planning to clear it in 2 years without knowing there's no further expenditure?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 21/04/2023 11:56

£7000 of random spends on a card would make me angry too tbh. That's a steadily growing out of debt. You 'pay the card' but what... you just pay the minimum?

Original poster
stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 11:57

I am sitting here in tears. I know I was wrong to be abusive but I can't help but feel he was unfair.

For context, I pay most the household bills as I earn more. dh contributes £300 per month to the joint account and that is his contribution to our household expenses. He has let me deal witht he money for years and years and YES I should have been more communicative, however I am not some spendy wife who has an extravagant life.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 21/04/2023 11:58

£7k is a substantial debt and you don't need to be told this. I'm sure you feel burdened by this debt.
I'd work hard towards paying it down and I wouldn't add a penny more to that debt.
In your shoes, I'd do something that I had to learn to do: Make money a very practical, open, cards on the table topic. Banish guilt and fear when it comes to talking about money. So many of us grow up learning that money talk is taboo. I'm from one of those families and the lack of transparency around money just makes life too hard.

So you've got a £7k debt. You can tackle that together and make a real effort to avoid being in that position again. It's not a monstrous debt. It's big, but it could be much worse. Don't be ashamed. Just face it, head on. Talk to your husband. Make a pact together to bring that debt down and make a commitment to being more financially saavy. We all have to learn to be financially saavy. It doens't come naturally or easily. But you can take this negative situation and actually turn it into an invaluable lesson. Learn from it, deal with it, move ahead.

katmarie · 21/04/2023 11:59

Why is he only contributing £300 a month?

TheVanguardSix · 21/04/2023 11:59

Just to add:

We haven't discussed it any further

Discuss it further. It's important.

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2023 12:00

Why does he contribute so little?

£300 is nothing.

That puts a different spin on it. Don’t cry, OP.

CiderJolly · 21/04/2023 12:01

£300?! Really?! That’s a pathetic contribution.

BarbaraofSeville · 21/04/2023 12:03

Is part of the problem that he doesn't really appreciate how much life costs?

Does he know how much the grocery bill etc needs to be? Or does he see a £100 a week supermarket bill and think that he could do it much less, only he couldn't because he doesn't have a clue? If that's the root of the issue, that's the sort of thing you need to work on with him.

£300 pm from him towards the household pot is nothing. What does he spend the rest of his income on and does he contribute in other ways - childcare etc?

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/04/2023 12:05

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 11:57

I am sitting here in tears. I know I was wrong to be abusive but I can't help but feel he was unfair.

For context, I pay most the household bills as I earn more. dh contributes £300 per month to the joint account and that is his contribution to our household expenses. He has let me deal witht he money for years and years and YES I should have been more communicative, however I am not some spendy wife who has an extravagant life.

Don't get yourself upset over it, I think you were fine to tell him to fuck off of he came on shouting and Def wouldn't say you were abusive.
Since reading your recent posts I'd say he's had a shock as he has nothing to do with your finances which is why I think he has no right to come in giving off about what was on the card as if he took more interest he would know it's joint spend. He needs to take more of an interest/contribute more in taking the mental load of it even if he doesn't contribute that much financially if this is his reaction

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 12:07

stellaeffort · 21/04/2023 11:57

I am sitting here in tears. I know I was wrong to be abusive but I can't help but feel he was unfair.

For context, I pay most the household bills as I earn more. dh contributes £300 per month to the joint account and that is his contribution to our household expenses. He has let me deal witht he money for years and years and YES I should have been more communicative, however I am not some spendy wife who has an extravagant life.

You need to sit down and have a very long finance talk. Apologize for how you reacted - and don't accuse him of being unfair. If he feels he did something wrong, he can apologize for it as well but that is up to him, you just take responsibility for yourself.

Then discuss what is and isn't working about budgeting and finances and communication in your relationship. Keept it focused on we need to work together to make this better and not about well you did or said so I did or said etc. Hopefully you can make a fresh start that feels better for both of you

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