Am so sad and miserable...

[beakas]

Came out of hospital just over a week ago now after going for a scan at 16 weeks and finding no heart beat. First baby for us, we tried for so long and I just feel like my heart is going to break. Have had days where I think I'm fine but there seem to be pregnant ladies EVERYWHERE! and that just sets me off again...maybe I came back to work too soon, I don't know. Have also been told am being made redundant at end of June. Everyhing is going wrong. Have a fabulous husband who is being great, and lots of support from family but I still feel so alone.I just can't believe it happened so late..thought once I had got the first 12 weeks over with it would all be ok...

poppy n becky, since you are still bleeding, i guess the tenderness n bloating is normal. i went to the GP last week and she rang the midwife telling her that i had tenderness and might have infection so i went to the epu.
as long as you dont have any smelly dischange, then theres no risk of infection.. if u are worried, do see your GP or go to the epu.

sorry .. dischange = discharge

I've just had my scan and check-up. There is a small amount of 'retained products' still present and they gave me the choice of either going home and just waiting to see if the rest comes out naturally or having a D&C. They told me the things to look out for for an infection and I thought for now I'd rather just go home and hope the rest happens naturally. So I chose 'the conservative route' as they called it. The doctor was about 7 feet tall, taller than DH who is 6 foot 5 inches. Not often DH has to look up to someone! It wasn't muh fun being in the emergency GU clinic again, with the horrible pink chairs, same posters, same signs about mobile phones that I read and re-read last week. I was scanned in the same room as last week as well. Oh well, back home again and back to normal.

Hi nandos thanks for answering. I don't have any smelly discharge so hopefully it is just everything returning back to normal. If it is not gone by monday I will go to gp.
becky sorry to hear there is still products left. Hopefully it will come away soon and you will feel a bit better. Waiting for it to be over is so difficult.
I know what you mean about returning to the same room etc. It is like revisiting a bad dream - a horrible groundhog day. Just hope the next time I am back in the same scanning room it is a good outcome.
Take care

Grrrrrrr! Sorry just felt like letting that out. DH is bathing the DSs at the moment while I am 'resting'. I feel bad because I've just been really snappy with the DSs over them eating, or not eating, their carrots. I find my fuse is really short at the moment and it's always when they kick up a fuss over something that seems terribly trivial to me (something that isn't trivial to a child I know) such as having to eat carrots for tea rather than pasta. I need a chill-out stratergy to cope with those moments. Sometimes I have to stop myself from just walking away and crying.

DH is downloading Lost off the internet at the moment and this computer is being really slow.

I feel so frustrated at the moment it makes me want to do something really impulsive but there is no scope for impulsive behaviour around here unfortunately. Grrrrrrrr!

How is everyone else doing? Do you get these Grrrrr moments as well?

It's charliesmum here - thought I'd start out under a more positive name, so hope it works

Can relate to the Grrr moments! Felt v Grrrr a couple of weeks ago, but am calmer now - you're intitled to feel pissed off at the moment, so don't worry if you're a bit short-tempered. What about a simple count to ten? I do sometimes work on my breathing if am irritated - close your eyes and breath in and out really slowly, and just listen to the sound of your breath, whilst shutting everything else out. Not easy I know, but worth it...

So sorry that you have to go through more messing around, must be awful having this situation prolonged. I know that when I lie down on a doctors bed type thing (like for acupuncture) it brings vivid memories of being in the operating theatre for my D&C back (not that the D&C itself was bad, it's the emotions I feel again). I wonder if it'll stick in my mind forever?

Beakas - you need to talk about what you're feeling and find an outlet for your anger/frustration/grief. Is counselling available anywhere? Through GP maybe?

Your feelings are so natural. I'm so sorry you lost your LO. I wish you happiness and LOs in the future xxxx

I think the breathing and counting to ten will help. I just need to tell myself that those little things that upset little people are important to them and remember to laugh with them again. I need something to laugh at.

I just said to DH that I wished I was falling asleep on the sofa and moaning about feeling sick again rather than feeling 'normal'.

I like your new name charliesmum / luckybamboo!

I hope we all have our much-wanted LOs in the future and one day can say 'rememember when we used to vent on mumsnet?'

DH and I are going to watch 'the crying game' on DVD now. DH bought this in Woolworths for about £3, he's never seen it. I saw it many years ago.

Hi everyone, first week back at work wasn't as bad as I thought (although lots of Grrr moments) . There are still a few people avoiding me though who don't know what to say. I want them to just get it over, either say something or don't but at least talk to me. The worst thing is people who didn't know I was pg who when I say I have been out sick for four weeks ask what was wrong with me - not surprisingly these have all been blokes.

By last night though I had had enough and was getting tired and emotional so let out all the tears I had been holding in all week. Strangely enough the only time I cried was all through my yoga class as I am now back in the normal one instead of the antenatal one.

I look forward to the new thread and will certainly be joining you on it. I have a follow up with the consultant on June 17th to see if the postmortem brought up anything that we need to be aware of and then an appointment with the IVF consultant on the 18th.

Oh poor you. It's strange how these things trigger us off. It's so hard going back to 'normal' life again and having to face people's sympathy or worse their bumbling inability to know what to say. I find that really hard. I've got to face all my mummy friends at Parents and Toddlers on Monday morning and I'm dreading it. Since it's been half term this week I haven't told many people yet about what has happened but I stupidly sang from the rooftops about being pregnant. Even the man who runs the Londis up the road knew I was pregnant and I can't face going in there now for my emergency loaf of bread or pint of milk because I don't want that awkward conversation about what has happened. Another Grrrrrrr moment.

Hi Sugr, at least your first week back is over now thank goodness. It is difficult isn't it. Have you been able to tell people what happened? For me, as soon as anyone asked if I'd been off sick I just couldn't speak and started crying. Some of my colleagues knew anyway, but some have apparently worked it out for themselves because they saw how upset I was getting. It's been totally different talking about it to friends who knew though, that seems much easier - it's just saying the 'miscarriage' word that seems so difficult... It's good that you had a cry, going through a whole week keeping all the emotions in must have been tough. Glad you're going to join us on the new thread, it's an enormous step though isn't it. Good luck for your appointments...

Becky, you are very brave to be considering going to Parents and Toddler group - are you sure you feel up to it? I was off an equivalent thing (Little Gym) over here for three weeks as I couldn't bear going, and the only person who knew I was pg there was the instructor. Went y'day for the first time and she was lovely when I told her (said it in French coz then I didn't have to say 'mc'), but I could only do it coz I was feeling pretty numb. Maybe it will do you good to go, at least you will have the support of the mums there who will (hopefully) know the right things to say.

Found out last night that my mum's due to have an operation a week on Monday - she's been v unwell for years now with rheumatoid arthritis, and has been unable to walk for the last three. She's so weak, and it's a big op, had nightmares about something going wrong last night. I feel really worried

Hi sugr at least that's the first week over with. It is so hard having to tell people what happened and deal with their reactions as well. Good luck with your IVF appt.
becky normal life is hard to face but in some ways having a routine to follow has helped me last week. I usually take and collect ds from school and last week dh and dgp were doing my job. Ds began to get very clingy with me and said that he loved it when I came to pick him up. So I slunk down to the playground and tried to avoid all the girls I would usually stand with as I knew they would ask how I was and that the answer was patently obvious with the puffy eyed look. By Friday it was ok. Not good but ok and ds is much happier that mums back on the case.
Last night a very good friend came to visit bearing a lovely homemade mexiacan meal and wine. It was so good to chat to someone who I didn't have to pretend in front of and very strange to have a glass of wine after months of abstinence.
charliesmum I hope your mum's op goes well. I have had RA for 11 years and it has made my life very painful and debilitating and caused me endless physical and emotional struggles. I know a few ladies on another support site I use who have had various ops with much success. Another mum who had been wheelchair bound for a few years has been taking one of the newer biological drugs and no longer uses her chair to get around. I wish your mum every success.

Oh Becky sweets- I've got a big gob too!!!! Couldnt you just throttle yourself???!!!!!

I titter to myself when I think how many people I've told even though I'd convinced myself something would go wrong- ha ha!! what a tit!!! I'll never be any different- have never been able to keep a secret.

Sugr- (((((((((hug)))))))))))) I went back to your original post and cannot imagine how you must feel after 6 years of waiting. oh hun. i'm getting a bit sick of people saying 'you are really fertile after a miscarriage!'- really? well f*ck me!! you might just cheer me up apart from the fact it took me 15 months to get this one you fricking idiot!!!! why cant people just keep their gobs shut?????

As you can see I am on fine form today- am actually feeling like myself more and more everyday. it is a cliche but things do get easier. I've found the thing that has made me feel better is 100% throwing myself into my relationship with DH. Really making an effort- we went for a meal together last night and snogged in the taxi on the way home! We feel very close right now (apart from the house thing) and that feels wonderful.

I'll never forget something he said after I had miscarried and he fished everything out of the toilet for me and boxed it up - he said 'I cant believe I made that with you' he will be such a good dad. I love him to bits.

Anyway this is starting to sound like a bleedin' mills and boon. I'm off dress shopping cos have got a wedding next week.

love to all xxxxxxx

Oh mummy2olivia your DH sounds lovely. What a lovely thing to say .

And how nice having a romantic meal and snog in the taxi!

I'm RUBBISH at keeping secrets. I told everyone about me except perhaps the milkman but then he comes to our house at 5.30am. Ahhhh. I do wonder whether I'll be more careful next time if I manage to get pregnant again, I'll probably last about a week before I start blabbing.

Sugr I didn't realise it had taken you six years and mummy2olivia 15 months. Oh I really, really hope that one day we can all look back on these weeks when we get a spare moment between feeds and looking after our new little ones and think about how worried and anxious we all were. It is so hard to have perspective when your feeling so down on life but tlking to you guys here gives me perspective.

I don't know where I would be without mumsnet, you lot all keep me sane .

I had told everyone from 12 weeks as I figured if something went wrong, better people to know about it. Would do the same again as it was easier this week with people who knew than those who didn't.

Am waiting for DH to put together the new barbie, could be a while because of cause I am not allowed to help/advise/nag so will be enjoying my glass of wine in the sunshine and not worrying about salomonella from undercooked sausage!

can I just ask is anyone still bleeding? my bleeding isnt getting any slower. its just a steady bright red flow of blood. The actual miscarriage was on the 19th May and had some retained products removed last weekend with forceps. Have tried to look it up but not getting many straight answers- is it normal to carry on bleeding??

I'm not usually a worrier (blatant lie) but am worrying about the effect all this bleeding is gonna have.

Was feeling dead positive earlier but have been reading the lesley reagan book and feel down in the dumps now.

mummy2olivia I think it is normal to bleed for at least 2-3 weeks after a misscarraige starts but I am really not sure - anyone else know? I'm worrying because even though they told me at my scan that there were still some, but not much, 'products' left in my yesterday I have stopped bleeding altogether today. Does anyone have any advice about that as well? Should I ring the GU clinic and find out if this is normal? Does this mean that the retained 'products' isn't gong to come out naturally?

Hi mummy2olivia my friend had a mc at the same time as me in feb and whereas I bled for 1 week she continued to bleed for almost 3 weeks. We both had natural mcs.

Good morning! How is everyone today? I woke with sharp little tummy pains this morning - has anyone else had this? Never had them before...

mummy2olivia, I think what becky said is right, that it's normal to bleed for a couple of weeks after mc. Also, with having been messed around with again last week it has probably started off fresh bleeding.

Becky, I think you should defo ring the clinic and ask them. If the 'products' are not going to come out naturally then maybe you will have to have an erpc?

sugr, how was your bbq? Hope it was nice!

ps m2o - what's the lesley reagan book? Will you let us know when you start the next thread, am excited but very nervous

Hello everyone. Had the ERPC on Friday, what a day! Found it quite upsetting and when I woke up from GA had quite a lot of pain and bleeding. That has improved a lot now, but still feeling really groggy from the anaesthetic, even a day and a half on - is that normal? The consultant said that she managed to remove all the 'product' (what a horrible term) and has sent it off for testing, I never asked her what this was for - anyone know what testing they do? Any way, back to sleep for me! My husband is being amazing, spoiling me rotten, in so many ways I am so lucky. All I want now is someone to call me mummy...

Oh HtheH, glad you got through the ERPC okay. I felt tired for quite a while afterwards, am only just feeling like I have got a bit of energy back, and I had mine over three weeks ago. Obviously I don't know whether that was from the ERPC or the miscarriage itself, but just listen to your body and rest as much as you can.

It is an upsetting procedure isn't it. When I came round from the GA I was already crying silently. It didn't stop for ages. Just know that it does get a bit easier, it's a cliche but time does ease the pain.

Re the testing, think maybe they're testing for chromosome abnormalities or something like that. That would be my guess anyway.

Glad your dh is spoiling you. You deserve it.

HtheH glad you got through your ERPC ok. The last time I had one I have no idea whether they did any tests and I wish they had (or told me about it if they did) as I wanted to know more about why it had happened if they could possibly tell. I remember being quite tired after the procedure so do take good care of yourself and rest as much as possible.

I've just remembered that tomorrow I am on parent rota at my son's preschool (basically means making tea and coffee for the staff and playing with the children) so I can't go to toddlers tomorrow as it is at the same time as preschool. I'll still have to face a lot of the other mums at preschool though. Ahhhh. Give me courage! I'm rubbish at these things. I know I'll just burst forth into floods. Everyone is so lovely around here, I have a lot of very good friends which strangely makes me more nervous about facing them.

Ah Becky, poor you having to do that tomorrow. You will get through it though, and you may well feel stronger afterwards for having had the experience. Rescue remedy really helped me when I faced people at work - have you ever tried it? It was brilliant, felt sooooo much calmer after i'd had it. Might be worth a try?

Will be thinking of you tomorrow - be strong!!!

ps lucky staff - I work at a nursery and never get made cups of tea

Ohhh thanks for the idea, I might try that if I can persuade everyone to let me out this afternoon / come out with me to the shops. I've heard of it but never tried it

m2o, I finally finished bleeding this week, 4 weeks after. The scanned me again ten days ago because I had been concerned about the bleeding and found that some products had been retained but not big enough to worry them, said they would come out in my next AF (now there is something to look forward to). They did say that as long as you weren't having to change pads every couple of hours and it didn't smell (sorry!) that they wouldn't worry about it.