First Pregnancy Missed Miscarriage (Part III)

[sadtoday21]

Hi ladies! Our last thread was automatically closed (again) because we reached the 1,000 post limit (twice!). I was hoping we would be able to start a new thread called First Pregnancy Post-MMC, but unfortunately we are not all quite there yet (BUT some of us are!! congrats!!!). I know we will all be pregnant someday soon and that this will end up being a lucky thread! In the meantime, I hope you will all join me as we continue on this journey together. You have all been an invaluable source of inspiration, support, and kindness for me and I want to thank you for making me feel less alone in this. This thread and the ladies on it have been a source of inspiration for me, which is why I created this blog to help other women find information and support after miscarriage: mcandbeyond.weebly.com/

About me, for any newcomers: 31 years old, first pregnancy ended in an MMC in February at 12 weeks (baby passed at nine), D&C the next day, found out five weeks later that it was a partial molar pregnancy and had follow-up with CX hospital until mid-May. Second early MC in April (we weren't supposed to be getting pregnant because of the molar, but didn't know about it at the time). Now TTC again nearly four months after the first MMC and so so ready for a baby!

@MrsMGE with all due respect, we have not tried for that long! we have also been trying since March and caught in March, but I completely agree with you that it is all taking so long with the medical management, cycles going back to normal etc... I am telling myself we are very fertile to catch the first cycle trying!

Wouldn't surprise me if we're both pregnant before the end of the year :) and you have way longer than me to TTC for before something drastic needs to happen, I'm already 35 x

Just try to take a step back and don't fret, you fell the first time and it will happen again 💐

Thanks @SunStruck I needed someone to ground me. I need to soldier on, just really tough atm. Sobbing my heart out on the way to work, arrgh. I need to get a grip.

Just so you know, I said 35 because I'm nearing 33 now. If I was 35, I would have said 37, if I was 38, I'd say 40, etc, etc, you get the gist. It's the length of time not the age thing.

Hi everyone! 👋

Glad to see so many new faces on here, welcome @Lizzieeeeeeeeeee I’m so sorry for your loss, but I hope you find some comfort here.

Sorry @Catconfusion to see you haven’t had luck with O again this month - that’s really frustrating! Hope the doctor can help with this finally. How are you doing otherwise?

@bananamonkey @Kiki061190 how’s the ttc going? Hope you are both nice and relaxed about it!

@3204ECL how are you doing with the pregnancy? How many weeks are you now?

Well I’m 6w4d today, scan booked for next week when I’ll be 7w5d. Starting to get really anxious about the scan as I’m afraid they won’t find a hb again, like at the 12 week scan before with the mmc. DH is scared too. Otherwise on vacation and been away from MN trying to take my mind off things. Bit of naseau kicking in. Anyway, hope everyone is doing ok! Xxx

@sadtoday21 so nice to hear from you! I’m sure everything will be great with the scan ♥️♥️♥️ Tbh I haven’t even thought about TTC, couldn’t tell you what cycle day I’m on and haven’t done any temping at all since AF! Feeling much better for it 😍

@sadtoday21 great to hear from you and not long until your scan now. I totally understand how you're feeling, got everything crossed for you and hope the scan gives you some relief from the anxiety if only for a few days.

I'm doing well thanks, now 11+2 and we had another scan last Friday which was amazing. Baby has really grown and was moving around lots! We have our actual 12 week scan a week tomorrow so not too long to wait to see them again. I have to say my anxiety has been much better since Friday which has been a huge relief, it takes a while but it really does get easier with time.

Hope everyone else is doing well and enjoying this amazing weather! xxx

@SunStruck I didn't know the second d&c wasn't as invasive, sounds like it should be ok then. I think everyone is so individual and you probably won't know until you try. For me, it's taken such a long time to recover and I'm still not feeling right and worried even if I can ovulate it won't stick. My d&c was in February and I had no complications, apart from the second miscarriage. Hopefully, you'll be lucky this cycle and you've fully recovered.

So ladies, yesterday a friend of mine upset me a bit. It's the first time I've seen her since before my two losses. She's in a horrible situation: low egg reserve and starting to go into menapause at 38. They've been ttc for 5 years with two failed IVF cycles due to egg issues and not a sniff at a positive test. I feel awful for her but its feels a completely different situation. She said my pregnancies weren't meant to be because there was something wrong with them just like with her IVF attempts. I get what she means as there were probably chromosomal issues, definitely with our first pregnancy but we conceived naturally and I don't have low egg reserve so it was a tragic accident. I also carried the first baby to 12 weeks. We saw it on an ultrasound. We lost something tangible whereas her loss is more her dream of achieving a pregnancy which of course is massive but I just don't think the two can be compared. Not that one is worse than the other necessarily.

I'm not sure, maybe I'm just still a bit easily triggered but it did play on my mind a bit. xx

@3204ECL great news about the scan. Fingers crossed for you! xx

@sadtoday21thanks for asking. I'm doing as well as I can. Just absolutely gutted I'm not ovulating when it wasn't a problem for the two cycles after my mmc. Surely I should be getting better not worse! Anyway we should have our fertility appointment soon. I'm just hiping the stress of all this hasn't been the cause as I'm trying to stay chilled out.

Great news about your scan coming up. I truly hope it goes well and can completely understamd the apprehension. Statistically speaking the chances of history repeating itself are very slim. Good luck! xx

@Catconfusion Maybe she said that because she's grieving her lack of ability to get pregnant naturally?

The two situations are not the same or comparable really, because your babies died, whereas she has never been pregnant. Your babies' deaths need to be acknowledged. You've grown them as part of you, nurtured them. You then had the physical and emotional trauma of losing them. That's different to what she's going through.

I do think, however, there is also a lot in common in terms of dealing with the grief, emptiness, lost hopes and future, feeling robbed of a chance of having a happy, healthy pregnancy, feeling your body has betrayed you etc., etc. I know from talking about this to my close friend who has been struggling to conceive naturally for a long time. Do you think this is more what she meant perhaps? Xx

Thanks @MrsMGE I think we just have different coping mechanisms for dealing with our grief, mainly because the situations are so different. I can imagine with IVF when it doesn't take people say it wasn't meant to be etc. When you start saying that about someone's unborn baby that died it stings because it felt so right for those 12 weeks and we lost our baby. I don't find it helpful to think our babies weren't meant to be. As hard as it was, the experience of carrying our little one and losing her was meant to happen and I've grown as a person through the experience. I definitely feel like I've experienced motherhood.

You're right there are some similarities in the uncertainty about the future. In fact her situation is worse because it's not likely she'll have a baby. It felt like she found it hard to hear how easily we got pregnant and at one point I thought she might say the classic: at least you got pregnant line which makes my blood boil quite frankly. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset me but like you say the acknowledgement of the loss of a baby is important.

I hate how social situations are affected by going through pregnancy loss. I know most people try their best but its such a sensitive subject and very difficult to know how it feels unless you've been through it. That's why I love this group! xx

Hi all. I had my first scan at 9weeks today and found out there was no heartbeat. Having medical management tomorrow. Hope it’s ok if I park myself here for a bit.

I'm so sorry @DuchessofPemberley it's so tough and something no one ever wants to go through. There is a lot of support on this thread for you. I hope it goes ok tomorrow. We're here if you need us! Xx

@Catconfusion I know what you mean, saying "it wasn't meant to be" trivialises the situation. Our babies died. We can't be afraid to say this.

My personal view is slightly different. I profoundly disagree with the fact that they died, I think they didn't have to die. I certainly think this way in the context of me becoming a better, more grown up and compassionate person. I think it's the rewiring of my brain into the motherhood mode that's made me better, not my baby's death. Whilst grief afterwards has made me more sensitive and open (which is good), I still don't want to believe or acknowledge that this happened because my baby died, it wasn't needed, I could have grown as a person through other events in life, without the need for my innocent and loved baby to die. That's just my point of view. I see no positive in this situation, no silver lining or purpose to be completely honest. I wish it never happened to any of us. Xxx

I also look at women who never wanted kids, women who can barely look after themselves, women who abuse them, and I can definitely say this is not a "meant to be" matter - if it was, none of them would be mothers and all of us on here would. I feel a deep sense of injustice about the whole situation tbh, and I try not to think about it cause it upsets me. Instead I consciously choose to focus on rebuilding the life I still have to live after this.

Welcome, @DuchessofPemberley. Very sorry for your loss. It's an awful thing to go through. You're in good hands here though, it's a lovely crowd xxx

I completely agree @MrsMGE that none of it should have happened. I think I've got to the point where I've accepted it did so now I just sit with it because I don't want to wish that baby away. Honestly despite all the sickness she did give me joy before I knew she wouldn't make it into the world. Now some time has passed I'm beginning to remember some of the good things from that pregnancy.

I wish I hadn't gone through it and that baby had lived but she didn't. My friend saying it wasn't meant to be doesn't honour that baby's existence and that's what hurts. I just feel that all I can do because I can't turn back time or change what happened is to look at how I've grown through this. I guess it's my way of accepting it so I can move on.

We all feel differently about it and I think that's normal and good to get other people's take on it. Xx

I know, @Catconfusion. I almost wish I could find anything positive in it, it would probably make it a bit easier to accept it. But instead, I chose to take it for what it is, and instead of moving on, I am moving forward with it. I think in time it will become easier to live with it.

Having said that, you've shown me a very interesting perspective. I too was very happy to be pregnant, even though I wasn't feeling amazing physically. It has made me a mum, and this will never change. So actually, there is a positive side to it. It's just a real shame we didn't have a chance to live the rest of our lives together with our babies ❤️ xxx

Hi ladies! How are we?

@DuchessofPemberley welcome! So sad for your loss, the ladies on here really helped me through a tough time and I hope we can do the same for you ♥️♥️♥️

@MrsMGE that’s what I think I meant, moving forwards with it. I don’t think I’ll ever move on completely because even a new baby won’t replace that one.

Our sonographer was lovely at the ill fated scan. She gave me a little picture and said don’t forget this baby because it made you a mum. I obviously burst into tears. I just think that bond forms so early when those hormones start.

I know early on someone said to me to try and think of some happy moments from the pregnancy. I very much at the time felt there were no positives and it was just an awful time with no happiness which isn’t true and now I can frame it better.

Our baby was conceived on our honeymoon so it was a lovely time. We were so excited. It was amazing to feel DH stroking my belly and seeing what a great Dad he’ll make. It doesn’t feel as painful to think of those things now xx

@Kiki069910 I’m a bit annoyed if I’m honest but thanks for asking. I just had a call from the GP saying my fertility referral had been rejected because I haven’t had a Chlamydia test result. I had one a year and half ago but the doctor can’t find a record. I’ve now having to go and do another one. The receptionist said there wasn’t an appointment to see the nurse for a week. I stood my ground though and asked for a test today. It’s only a swob and I can do it myself. Now heading up to the doctors to do it. Hopefully it won’t delay matters. It’s just never easy! How are you doing? Xx

Aw, @Catconfusion. That's lovely. Ours was conceived on our anniversary holiday and we thought we'd have this lovely story to tell her when she grows up. I completely agree with your sonographer, the bond definitely forms very quickly and never goes away. My sonographer on the other hand said "Well at least you got pregnant easily." No comment, just no comment. I'm no longer angry at this pathetic response, it actually makes me laugh that people can be that stupid.

There will never be a replacement. But we'll find peace and happiness, I'm sure of that ❤️

@MrsMGE arh its so sad it ended how it did. I’m so sorry. Special circumstances just add to the devastation.

It doesn’t sound like your sonographer was very well trained in bedside manner. That’s just not a reassuring thing to say. In fact anything starting with ‘At least...’. There is no at least or consolation, also no guarantees for next time. People baffle me sometimes. Xx

@Catconfusion Exactly. I'd rather they just said simply "Sorry for your loss." It's not rocket science to come up with this one sentence.

On a separate note, AF didn't disappear - it's still here! Just less painful than for many years before (yay to that!).

Catconfusion, hope your appointment went OK. Glad you stood your ground, why should there be a further delay if they've messed up your records.

@Kiki061190 I'm doing surprisingly OK today, how are you? Holiday mode on?

Xxx

@DuchessofPemberley, sorry you have had to join this group. Everyone here understands so come back and talk to us if you need to.

@Catconfusion, two scenarios - 1 - one woman struggling to conceive her first baby. 2 - SIL has one child followed by three miscarriages and is worried she won't be able to have a second. The first woman thought her situation was harder because at least SIL had one, SIL thought her situation was harder because she had one and therefore knew what she was missing out on by not being able to have another.

My response - the whole thing is shit, for everyone. I try not to compare, but just to be able to both vent about your individual situations. I think if you managed to stay calm with someone trying to 'win' the 'I'm the most hard done by' fight', you did well.

So... I had a 7DPO dip in temperature below the coverline yesterday followed by little crampy feelings like when I was pregnant. So although I don't believe in any of the other symptoms this early, I am now wishing I could test but trying to wait until AF would be due. The little crampy feelings are nowhere near as frequent as before and I am already worrying. (I know there is a lot of debate about implantation dips so I'm trying not to get ahead of myself)

@MrsMGE exactly, it's not hard. I'm sorry AF is frustratingly here. I hope it goes soon. xx

@zoomies1 I agree, it's best not to compare as there are so many other factors. Lady trying for a second baby but having miscarriages might not have much support but lady trying for first might have loads. Whatever the situation the pain of it is so individual. No one else can know what it feels like but just say how sorry they are for that person. I felt my friend couldn't even say she was sorry we lost our baby, to her they're like the cells she had implanted during IVF so to her it's the same. Its obviously not because we made a baby naturally. I carried it for 12 weeks. We saw it on the ultrasound. We lost something tangible. I do feel for her and it's horrendous because her partner isn't great but a very sad yet different situation.

Wow sounds like a really promising cycle. Just keep as busy as you can I guess. I hope its a BFP! xx

@Catconfusion I'm kind of happy it's still here, it's the normal length for me (day 5 now). Hoping to go ahead with TTC soon. Gosh, it's hot today though, too hot to walk around, not to even mention AF. Better be cooler soon as I need some good sex in my life!!! Xx

@MrsMGE oh I see. Mine have gone from 1 day to 5. I’m thinking that’s better, even though the doctor said 1 is enough. It definitely feels like there’s a decent lining there now so I understand.

It’s way too hot. Think of me as we’ll be dtd later. I’m day 32 and still no O so you never know, I might manage it. Not to be too gross but the smell is the worst when it’s hot.

Annoyingly because we now need to wait for this test result to come through I probably won’t see the fertility doctor until I’m well into the next cycle so we might not get to try clomid until September because my cycles are so long. I guess it means we get a bit more time naturally as I’d rather conceive naturally. Xx

@Catconfusion seriously?! That’s ridiculous! You are absolutely right to be annoyed and I would be too! It’s their issue and they should be trying to get it fixed for you ASAP.

@MrsMGE 6 Weeks to go until our holiday and I can not wait! Just want it to be here now! This month has been super busy so can’t complain tho. I’m busy all the way up until holiday which is nice! Your last comment about sex made me laugh 😂 me and OH have been dtd whenever and it’s been nice not thinking about fertile days.