First Pregnancy Missed Miscarriage (Part III)

[sadtoday21]

Hi ladies! Our last thread was automatically closed (again) because we reached the 1,000 post limit (twice!). I was hoping we would be able to start a new thread called First Pregnancy Post-MMC, but unfortunately we are not all quite there yet (BUT some of us are!! congrats!!!). I know we will all be pregnant someday soon and that this will end up being a lucky thread! In the meantime, I hope you will all join me as we continue on this journey together. You have all been an invaluable source of inspiration, support, and kindness for me and I want to thank you for making me feel less alone in this. This thread and the ladies on it have been a source of inspiration for me, which is why I created this blog to help other women find information and support after miscarriage: mcandbeyond.weebly.com/

About me, for any newcomers: 31 years old, first pregnancy ended in an MMC in February at 12 weeks (baby passed at nine), D&C the next day, found out five weeks later that it was a partial molar pregnancy and had follow-up with CX hospital until mid-May. Second early MC in April (we weren't supposed to be getting pregnant because of the molar, but didn't know about it at the time). Now TTC again nearly four months after the first MMC and so so ready for a baby!

@MrsMGE I’m so sorry you are feeling this way and know that you absolutely are not alone in this. The mmc made me feel absolutely broken inside for a very long time and even now, I’m still just a little bit broken. But I also feel resilient for having survived it and I know you will too once more time has passed. It’s so dark now, but someday the darkness will end and you just have to find your way back to yourself, however you can. Try to be gentle and kind and loving to yourself and remember that you are brave and stronger than you think. Women have to bear this tragedy but we are all the stronger for it and we will get what we want in the end. Xxx

Thank you @sadtoday21. Such kind words. I needed them today, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when it hits you hard.

Good night ladies and hopefully tomorrow I'll be having a better day so I can support you all on here too 😘

@MrsMGE please be kind to yourself it is truly one of the most difficult things to endure. But your strong, even in the days you don’t feel like you are. This path isn’t for the faint hearted and I wish it wasn’t a path anyone had to take. It is all consuming and can strip you down and it’s so so important to have self care. You and all the girls here have immeasurable strength and your miracle will come. It took me a long six years and I never though I would get there. Everyone I knew on my last forum came and went and I was one of the only ones left. But it happened and I got my miracles and you will too. You are a mother and a mother to a precious little angel who was here for a reason. Take care of yourself and keeping reaching out when you need it. You’ve got this xx

Ah @Ginmonkey84 😊 You've made me smile just now. Thank you. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to wait longer than everyone else, what a testimony to your strength that you've kept going and believing. Deep inside I am scared this will happen to me too and that I won't be strong enough to do the same.

I have also randomly watched the best of "After Life" by Ricky Gervais yesterday (I saw the series before and loved it, very poignant and emotional) and omg it has a completely new dimension to me now. I was bawling my eyes out. I think I needed it, it's like you feel you have no tears left to cry, but really they are there, just hidden away. And you need something to let them flow, you need your own personal katharsis. I'm gonna watch the series again, it's beautiful.

I am not thinking straight cause I've got insomnia. Too much on my mind, I work all day and look perfectly fine in front of my colleagues and clients. I'm a professional, I have to. And they've all been very kind. Then I come home, potter around as we're in the middle of the house renovation, and then I start thinking. Not even anything particular, but my brain goes into an overdrive for hours and I can't sleep. I think I'm probably processing grief, but I'm so exhausted I'm feeling worse and worse. I've never felt grief like this before, I always shook it off to the point I could cope with life fairly quickly. Now though it seems this will have no end and I'm lost for ideas now xxx

@MRSMGE you won’t be me I promise. You’ll get your happy ending and it will be amazing. We have male factor infertility issues (antisperm antibodies) so that was the reason we ended up with ICSI and why it took so long. But if my story shows anything, it’s that everything is possible. I’m goal driven so that’s what got me through and that’s what will get me through this time. Although I’ve given us 18 months this time and if it doesn’t happen then I have decided to stop. I’m back on my aspirin and progesterone cream this month so covering all bases. Take one day at a time, grieve and recognise the process and remember it is valid and an important step. But if it ever gets to the point that you can’t get yourself out, please talk to someone. But I do promise it won’t be like this forever x

@Ginmonkey84 Thanks for being the voice of reason. I'm usually the voice of reason for everyone else, but finding it hard at times to do the same for myself in this situation.

I hope everything will work out for you. Do you know how many stories I've heard of people setting a deadline for when they stop trying, and bang it happened for them not long after the deadline has passed. I am hoping it will happen for you a lot sooner. But please never say never, as these things are so unpredictable. My boss told me his parents were told they'd never conceive, ended up adopting children and then had two biological children in their 40s, both conceived naturally once the pressure was off. It's crazy stuff, wish we had scientific answers to everything, but the reality is we definitely don't. Which leaves room for hope xxx

Hi ladies! How is everyone doing today?

This convo between you @Ginmonkey84 and @MrsMGE has got me thinking about everything again and how I too have a deep fear of being left behind and being the only one on this thread not pregnant again. I think it’s been nearly five months since my mmc and I can’t really believe that I’m still waiting for this to happen. My original due date is only about a month away :(. We got pregnant the first month trying last time, so I’m just devastated it’s taking so long now and honestly one of my worst fears. I’m trying to relax this month and think about it less, but I always have this fear in the back of my mind that it won’t happen for me at all. The worst part of mmc is also the fear and hope that comes with it - the emotional ride is just too much at times. I think my body works but I can’t be sure about that. Anyway, sorry for the rant, just another moment where I’m thinking of what should have been. Xxx

@sadtoday21 I'm glad you said that openly. I think it's important we acknowledge that we're all at slightly different stages here, physically and also emotionally (although the latter goes up and down fir everyone I guess). Our bodies are different. And this isn't a race, it's a support thread no matter what happens. A Mumsnet discussion sadly won't support our partners sperm or our eggs to get on with things quickly! (I wish 🤣)

I kind of think if I'm going to be the last one on here or if I suffer more MCs and it is going to take ages, I'll switch to newer threads (selfishly, cause I'll need more support and I'll have more support to give to the girls going through it at the same time). It's just good to know we're here for each other here and now ❤️ xxx

And just a quick thanks to all of you who cheered me up yesterday, I'm better today and working from home has definitely helped. You're all so precious ❤️ Hope you're feeling fine today xxx

@sadtoday21 milestones are difficult maybe you and your hubby could go away over that date and spend sometime together? I plan to do that too it’s easier to just go and try and escape it sometimes x

@MRSMGE glad your feeling a little better, hope you can get better sleep tonight x

And I’m also sorry that I joined your group when I have had a pregnancy before I hope you ladies don’t mind.......to be honest it was because I don’t really feel like I fit in anywhere else. This miscarriage felt like my first real pregnancy and that might sound odd and totally awful but it did. Everything about my IVF pregnancy was all risk risk, risk and highly medicalised from start to finish. I always still felt like a failure, like I forced my way to being a mother. I was in such a bad place at the time and it’s all a blur to me. This pregnancy it was a huge achievement. I finally did it myself in the way I was meant to after 12 long years even though it didn’t work out as I hoped but anyway I hope you don’t mind me being here and just wanted to explain why I joined the group and why it felt most comfortable. x

Aw @Ginmonkey84 ❤️ You totally fit in, and like I said it doesn't really matter our stories vary. We're here for each other, and it is so comforting indeed.

I'm so sorry to hear how you've felt regarding your other pregnancy. I have absolutely zero doubt that IVF is in no way forcing your way in to be a mother. It is just a little helping hand. I see where you're coming from regarding all the medical stuff, but keep in mind there are lots of mums conceiving naturally who then have medical complications and to an extent it is a similar path. My own mum was told to have an abortion with me by the doctors (she had 3 mcs and a stillbirth one after another directly before me and her body was not ready), she refused and ended up lying down for 7 months doing nothing, on various medication, having so many different check ups as she was deemed high risk. She had toxoplasmosis, potentially what would now be diagnosed as pre-eclampsia and then gave birth to me prematurely. By no measure an easy run medically. And in some ways I think once you've been through a fertility battle or loss/es it might feel like you're forcing your way through. But the more openly we talk about things, the more obvious it becomes that most mums have suffered through something like this. It's part of our journey.

My work colleagues, for instance. I knew some of them had been through a MC. Since my own MC, I found out between the 8 of us females, 3 struggled to conceive (2 never had, however that was a while ago), we've collectively had 7 MCs between us, 1 is going through IVF with no success so far and 1 is still very young and has no children yet. I have then realised I'm not alone and the road really isn't easy for most people. It doesn't make us less worthy as women or mothers. In fact, I think we're heroines, all of us. Xxx

Hey @sadtoday21, thanks for asking after me.

Tbh I have taken a step back from posting on the thread as I started to worry about upsetting anybody. I know how my feelings were mixed when others have got pregnant on other threads when I wasn't and sometimes I found this upsetting and got frustrated that I wasn't pregnant again. I have been keeping up with your journeys and still monitor the thread, but just haven't posted for a while. Might seem silly, but like I say I just don't want to cause any frustration or annoyance to anybody. We have all been through so much and MC tests the health of our mental health, and we are all so very strong for continuing on this journey of ttc.

I didn't quite believe that I would have a pregnancy which would get this far, as I truly felt that there was something wrong with me. MC has a way of making the mind think the worst in every scenario, and I have struggled with keeping my mindset positive during this pregnancy. The truth of the matter that I am started to believe it is all just luck of the draw, which is totally shit! For me, this means I have been brutally unlucky twice in ttc and it has taken me alot of pain to get to where I am. On the other hand, dealing with MC has made me stronger than ever, and dealing with a new pregnancy after MC as made me stronger still. It has brought my DH and I closer together and he remarks constantly on how brave I am to keep going. Anyway, I just wanted to say that we will all get there with getting our babies, it may take a little longer than some mums (who I am very envious of), and it may take more emotional upset and pain, but every day that we try our babies will be appreciated that much more. We will never forget, but we will be humbled and so much stronger from the experience.

A little update from me. I will be 14 weeks on Friday! Time is moving very slow and a day feels like a week. I have had 7 scans to help with me anxiety as I need the constant reassurance that she is still in there. We had the nhs dating scan about two weeks ago, and I couldn't believe it when the sonographer said 'there's the heartbeat' and not 'sorry there is no heartbeat'. Whilst waiting to go in for the scan I had flashbacks from my first pregnancy, which was horrid. My symptoms have started to fade just before the dating scan and now I have days where I feel like my normal self, which of course raises the anxiety. Therefore I had another scan on Monday this week, and she was still there! We've even got to hear her heartbeat...I burst out crying and it was proper sobbing! So embarrassing. But all the sonographers have been lovely and totally understand the emotion. We do away in 2 weeks time for my DH's 40th, can't wait to get two weeks in the sun 🌞.

Happy Birthday @Catconfusion - I hope your day is super enjoyable xxx

Love and hugs to you all xxxx

Don’t get me wrong I am beyond grateful for IVF and in no way taking away what it gave me. I’d have given my right arm. And it’s amazing how they were brought into the world they are miracles, I’m so so thankful. Having depression during and after took away so much of my experience and as I said I actually hardly remember it at all and the year following. I didn’t have them at birth, I had a c section but due to a failing spinal I didn’t get to meet them until some time later. It was all a little traumatic from start to finish. My husband had decided he didn’t want to try anymore he wasn’t overly keen on having children anyway but I pushed the IVF and although he absolutely wouldn’t change it for the world now but at the time I forced it all. So driven by the absolute need to be a mother I didn’t care what he wanted. This time we are together and experiencing that want together so it’s all a first for us as a partnership. I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful I’m not. I am for the first time sharing this journey with my husband rather than be alone through it all x

Oh @Amanda81 that’s such wonderful news and it’s so great to hear from you! I really am truly happy for you and you deserve this so much after all you have been through. I think it was very thoughtful of you to think about whether posting about pregnancy might upset others in the group. I can only speak for myself, but I personally really enjoyed reading your post and it made me smile. It’s good to know what’s ahead for us after the mmc/mc and it gives me hope. 14 weeks is amazing! I can’t believe the time has gone by so fast. Soon you will be showing and entering a whole new phase of pregnancy you haven’t experienced before! It’s very exciting!! Do you see a clear difference between the 12 week and 14 week scans? She must be growing so fast now!

Yes, I do feel a little behind, but I think that’s normal and actually it’s been good to take a break from thinking about all of this and to resume a normal life. As you say, I think it really is just luck and there isn’t anything we can do. We’ve often talked on here about how hard it is to let go and not be in control of this process. It’s definitely teaching me to be more patient, empathetic, resilient, and to let go of things that are out of my hands. I just have to keep learning to enjoy the journey, and not just the outcome. Xxx

Ahh ladies. So many lovely posts.

@Amanda81Congratulations, that's amazing news and I'm so happy for you ❤️ Will be keeping my fingers crossed everything goes well 🤞❤️ I think that's a very thoughtful thing what you've done te posting. But in the same time, hand on heart, I can say your post and your news have really made me smile. It's no secret that most, if not all of us, would like to share a similar story. And equally, we all know by now that things don't always happen straight away or that they're not always easy. We've all been to hell and back. So I get why some of us might initially feel upset after reading a positive story and ask "why is not me, again?" or be anxious and think "when/is it going to happen for me?". Having said that, I also think that after this initial reaction, we all understand that every single positive story is lovely to hear, and it also helps. It gives new hope to all of us, and it is what we ultimately need. Both, good and bad experiences are a part of the motherhood journey.

@Ginmonkey84 I know you're grateful ❤️ I can also see your point re feeling differently this time and having a more inclusive experience also affecting your OH. It does sound like your circumstances were very different this time, so your feelings are completely valid and natural.

@sadtoday21 What else can I say apart from: my feelings exactly. This is exactly how I feel now, here I am, a master planner who thought I could have control over my journey to motherhood as much as I used to control everything else in my life. How wrong was I. It threw me completely and I'm finding it very scary that the whole thing is largely out of my control. Working on myself every day to learn to let things go and not to worry about things that will take its own course anyway, regardless of what I do. How hard is this to really understand and live by, I now feel that I'm hearing myself saying this, but it still doesn't fully sink in yet. I am realising that I need to change my whole philosophy of the world and my own role in it. Xxx

Mind if I join, I've seen a few of you on difference threads. Bit about me, I had IVF in December, BFP, MC at 11wks but found out at 9wks it had stopped growing at 7.3wks, totally gutted I thought we had been so lucky that IVF had worked, but sadly not. I did some tests on me to see if there were any issues that might have caused the MC, all clear, great. It did another transfer in May, BFP, went for the viability scan at 6.5wks, not good and miscarried 2-3 weeks ago. So now we've more tests to see if me and/or dp have chromosomal issues that could be causing all this, I'm currently waiting for the results. Depends on those results we will test our remaining 3 embryos before another transfer (sorry about all the IVF talk, I know a lot this might not make any sense if you haven't done IVF). So I'm just waiting, which for me is really annoying, I'm not very patient. I've had really bad days and ok days. So sorry you've all been through this, it's so awful. I feel very isolated. Only one friend knows about the IVF and MCs. I haven't told work and haven't taken any time off during the worst 6 months of my life and I'm think it's starting affect me now. Sorry for the big rant.

Rant warning. Apologies in advance. I need to vent and probably for someone to tell me off for being b*y and unreasonable.

So I've got this God awful anxiety after my MC that my loved ones might suddenly die. DH has a friend who is sadly terminally ill and just been told he has weeks left to live. DH wants to go and see him, which I totally understand and support. But his friend lives 4 hours away and DH is adamant he wants to go up see him and come back on the same day. My anxiety has gone through the roof, I don't want him to go and drive back on the same day, it's making me feel extremely panicky. We've argued and he has deeply upset me by saying that "2 months ago I seemed fined with it". Well. I've always had a bit of a fear of car crashes but obviously 2 months ago I was pregnant and not even thinking in my worst nightmares I'd miscarry soon. I was a different person then. He has got no recognition of this, holds my feelings in complete disregard clearly, and despite my fears he's going to do this anyway. I actually feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack on Saturday. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope and he simply doesn't even try to understand or compromise by staying overnight to make sure I feel calmer. He's going about his daily life as if nothing happened. I am deeply upset and so, do angry at him now. So disappointed. I actually can't believe he can be such a total arse 😢😢😢 Sorry about my rant, I told him today that Mumsnet understands me better than he does, which sadly is true xxx

Evening all, @sadtoday21 thanks for asking after me as well. Similar to @Amanda81 I've been holding off posting as I know whilst I found it reassuring to hear of others being pregnant after MMC I also found it extremely difficult and upsetting that I wasn't there myself. I have been keeping up with the thread in the background and I'm sorry to see so many new ladies here but you've found a wonderfully supportive thread which has been the best support to me personally through this awful journey.

@Amanda81 I'm so glad to hear both you and your baby girl are doing well 💕

@sadtoday21 how are you doing? Is DH back yet?

@Catconfusion hope you had a lovely birthday and are doing ok.

A little update from me. I'm now at 7 and a half weeks but the last week or so has been a bit of a rollercoaster. Last Wednesday I noticed a small bit of spotting so clearly thought the worst and was a terrible mess. We were referred to the EPU for a scan first thing the following morning where to our complete surprise we saw our little bean and a heart beating away. The spotting didn't last long and things have been fine since so fingers crossed. My anxiety has been terrible so I've really had to just take things a day at a time. We have another scan booked for next Wednesday so it's now the countdown to that.

Love and hugs to all xxx

Good morning ladies!

I’ve been enjoying the heatwave here in the UK!

@MrsMGE so sorry about your anxiety! I completely understand how you are feeling, I sometimes think OH’s don’t quite 100% understand the feelings following mc. Hoping you feel better soon ♥️

@Amanda81 14 weeks! Amazing ♥️♥️♥️ So happy everything is going well for you! Gives me hope for the future and TTC again.

@LillyLeaf so sorry you find yourself here. Mc is a hard process to go through but the ladies on here have been a great source of comfort for me ♥️

@Catconfusion how was your birthday celebrations???

@sadtoday21 hope you are doing well ♥️

I’m now on cycle day 12 ladies which feels like it has cake around quickly! The past two days I have had copious amounts of EWCM which is unusual for me and a little earlier than normal! How many days do you usually get of EWCM?

@Kiki061190 it’s great that it feel like it’s come around so quickly! I had 9 days of EWCM this month!! I usually have around 6-7 days, but I took the EPO more regularly this time and it’s been a lot.

Welcome @LillyLeaf I’m so sorry you find yourself here but hope you can find some comfort from others who have been through the same thing.

Thanks for asking after me @3204ECL and I hope you are doing ok now. The waiting time for the scan must be so intense, but I’m sure everything will be ok. Seven weeks already! We’re here for you if you ever need to talk about the anxiety of the new pregnancy. I know I would want to. Sending you hugs xxx.

I’m 4 dpo now and DH is back - ready for a lot of bding too! He came back yesterday and said he wanted to make a baby and was sorry for being away. It was really cute, so we bded anyway even though I told him really no chance this month sorry. I was a bit mad at him for leaving during fertile week before but now all is forgiven and I’m looking forward to next month! I feel I need a nice vacation with relaxed bding to conceive again. I’m going to stop temping now that O was confirmed on cd17 and just hope that AF arrives quickly this month! Love and hugs to all xxx.

Thanks @Kiki061190. He's going on Sunday by the looks of things, so won't calm down beforehand. I'm not speaking to him, I'm too upset.

I might actually book myself a holiday and go on my own, far away from everything and everyone 😔

Thanks @sadtoday21! I’m only used to one day of it but have had loads the past 3 days now. I actually had a tiny amount of blood in the EWCM this morning and I’m wondering if it could be from dtd last night? No idea as I’m only cycle day 12 so seems a few days early for me.

I’m staying chilled this month, no ovulation trackers and just temping!

Hey ladies how is it going?

I've still not got my period, and im on day 32 after my d&c 😢😢😢

Hey @SunStruck - I had a D&C and it took my AF 35 days to return. Be patient, it will come. Are you feeling well in yourself? Xx