Husband now terminal

[Nifflerbowtruckle]

My 31 year old husband has been today diagnosed as terminal. His cancer which had gone in July has come back rapidly and now there is nothing they can do . How do you move on from here? We had his sperm frozen to hopefully try ivf but he won't even be alive to try that.

I'm so utterly heartbroken

I think the difficulty is her behaviour is no different to normal. Last Christmas she didn't talk to myself, DH and ddog for 2 days. I just don't have the ability to deal with it now. I would be home alone but tbh I think right now I would prefer it. It would be weird to have Christmas Day alone (that's never happened) but I think for my ability to grieve and my mental health it may be best.

I would prefer Xmas alone to Xmas with your PIL, don't worry about social convention do what is going to work best for you. If this is her usual behavior it isn't going to get better.

I too would prefer to be on my own than with them. At least you could do as you please. However you've been so through much recently, you know what is best for you.x

I just found this thread and wanted to say how sorry I am. Sending hugs your way. I hope you manage to have a restful night xxx

Oh Niffler I'm so sorry that your MIL is putting you through all this BS. Sure, everyone knows she is grieving too, but it's NOT about her. Sounds like FIL and BIL have been tippy-toeing around MIL for too long, she sounds like a spoiled brat!

When my DH passed away MIL/SILx2/BIL created a huge debacle on the day of the funeral, but fortunately (or unfortunately) my mind wasn't on what they were trying to enforce and it all went over my head...so their scenes were totally wasted, although other people noticed and thought they were 'quite strange'.

Spending Xmas alone is not as bad as it sounds, I have done it for many years as it's better than going through all the drama and BS. Sometimes I spend the day in the garden and sometimes I just chill out, but (imho) doing absolutely nothing and just quietly reflecting is what suits me best, and the drama queens can do their thing without including me.

Thinking of you because you've got a double whammy with the funeral and then Xmas, not to mention the other issues. My suggestion is do what 'you' want, you are allowed to change your mind and just say you need time to yourself. Truly I don't think that is being unreasonable in your situation.

All the best for the days ahead and you know there is always someone to 'talk' to on MN at any time.

I think Christmas at home will be best for me. I'll have ddog with me so I won't be totally alone. DH tip toed around her too when we first met until I pointed out how weird it was that he was constantly buying her stuff to stop her being in a mood with him because at the age of 22 he had gone out for a few hours. She used to argue with him because I didn't thank her enough for cooking for me when I was there. We have to thank her 3 times for each meal. Once when we get it, once in the middle and once when we've finished. I actually wish I was joking but I'm genuinely not.

I actually do like MIL generally and care for her but I can't deal with her tantrums right now. She can be very nice and kind but she just is so self centred when it comes to her emotions. I'm planning on using DH's
sperm eventually for ivf and I dread to think what she'll be like.

Sheesh and I thought my (now late) MIL was bad, yours is plain hard work! Nothing wrong with not wanting her tantrums, that's completely understandable given what you've been through. I can imagine you are totally, mentally drained and operating on auto-pilot, I know I was at your current stage, it's all so surreal. Dogs are great companions, ours got me through some dark days, he knew things weren't the same and seemed to understand how I was feeling and didn't leave my side for a long time.

IVF is a great idea....didn't realise you had planned ahead for that, something positive in your future.

Maybe by that time you might think about setting down some ground rules for MIL in case she tries to takeover, not only your life but that of your future DC's. Anyway cross that bridge as the time gets closer, fingers crossed someone might have a word in her ear and the tantrums might be a thing of the past.

Hope you can get some sleep and get some time to yourself for a while.

I am sitting on my hands a bit here.
Niffler, my heart goes out to you, it really does. But as a mother who has recently lost my 27 year old son, I can remember vividly those early days and weeks when I honestly thought I was losing my mind.
I think you need space away from each other if you can possibly manage it.
It is so, so hard.
Is there someone close who can act as intermediary in terms of tasks and arrangements?
I think that would help everyone during this dreadful time.

Niffler sorry to hear you are struggling with your MIL. I hope you manage to get some time away and I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Endof I would totally agree with you about it being grief if it was unusual behaviour for her but it isn't.* She's been like this since I've known her and she's only being this way with me. She's accepting for the most part how BIL and FIL are grieving but she's taking everything out on me.*

She's now talking to me today so hopefully tomorrow will go okay.* The funeral is arranged now it's just getting through it now.*

Niffler I am so sorry.
It all sounds horrendous.
Thinking of you all and hoping the funeral goes smoothly and subsequent days are as bearable as possible.
Supporting my surviving children following the loss of their brother has been very hard for me.
I hope that somehow all of you will be able to get some support to get through the coming weeks and months.

What time is it tomorrow? Are you having a wake or anything afterwards? I hope you manage to stay civil with your MIL, it sounds very difficult. Will you go home after tomorrow? Thinking of you at this awful time

Niffler - I am so sorry your inlaws are behaving this way. I know grief does mad things to people, but they sound like they are self-centred and selfish during good times as well as sad ones. It is simply not fair that you're having to deal with tantrums on top of everything else. I'm glad that you've pushed back on their attempts to do inappropriate things for the funeral.

I think it's hard to support someone who is going through the same thing you are endof and I genuinely don't expect BIL, MIL or FIL to support me when they are going through their own grief I would just like them to be considerate and nice as I'm trying to be.

The funeral is at 3.30pm and then there will be a wake. BIL and MIL don't want to stay long at the wake but I think FIL will stay with me. I'm setting up a playlist of his favourite music plus a couple BIL and I found and a slide show of pictures of him at various stages in his life.

The slideshow is a lovely thing to do, and really thoughtful. I hope you are surrounded by love and support this afternoon. I will be thinking of you.

Hi Niffler. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I hope it goes OK. Xx

Finally sorted the pictures just need to do the playlist now. I'm hoping it won't be too hard.

I and I'm sure many others, will be thinking of you and your lovely DH tomorrow. I hope it goes as well as it can do.

Wishing you strength for tomorrow, you and your DH will be in my thoughts.

Thinking of you tomorrow xx

Handholding lass xx

I hope it won't be too much of an ordeal. A very close family member died in their 40s and the funeral was almost unbearable. Almost but not completely so , years now later my memories of that day are of love for my deceased relative... people are so open on these occasions and I learned so much about my DSIL on that day and how she had touched people. It was far from an introspective occasion despite our grief . Indeed the sharing of grief was a positive iyswim.
I know that it will be very painful tomorrow, saying goodbye to your soulmate but I know from reading your thread Niffler that your innate dignity and love for your DH will hold you through it .all love

Just read this from start to finish. I am so incredibly sorry. It broke my heart to read this. I lost my lovely dad to cancer a few years ago in a similar way to your DH. I can’t describe how hard it was to watch my big strong hero, be reduced to skin and bone by that horrific disease. You are a credit to your DH and he must have been so proud of you and how you handled everything.
I take my DP for granted so often but I can’t imagine losing him. My thoughts are with you. Hope tomorrow goes as well as can be expected

Have just read this thread and my heart breaks for you OP...I can't begin to imagine what you have been through. Thinking of you.

Thinking of you Niffler, it will be tough but you have already proved how strong you are. You can hold your head high and I'm sure DH will be so proud of you.

Hugs