Husband now terminal

[Nifflerbowtruckle]

My 31 year old husband has been today diagnosed as terminal. His cancer which had gone in July has come back rapidly and now there is nothing they can do . How do you move on from here? We had his sperm frozen to hopefully try ivf but he won't even be alive to try that.

I'm so utterly heartbroken

Oh Niffler no advice, just remember you have everyone on this thread thinking of you and admiring your strength and dignity

I think I'm just fed up. I don't feel I'm able to grieve properly at the minute and I'm in someone else's home and I can't just be. I was told to treat it as my own and if I wanted to go upstairs I could but I know if I did they wouldn't be happy even though BIL spends most of his time upstairs. I think the dog misses her home and her daddy too.

Oh Nifter you poor thing. It must be so difficult being in someone else's house at this time.

You really shouldn't have to be putting on a front, please tell them you need some time to yourself or that you are just going for a nap and go and spend time in your room, whenever you feel like it. It really is a very natural thing to do when you're grieving.

How long are you staying for?

It's a horrible limbo for you...

Maybe take your gorgeous dog out for a long walk to give you some space tomorrow.

I'm staying until dec 26/27th then I will be home for a few days then back in Home town on 31st December as DH birthday is 2nd January.

I have been going out and doing bits and pieces but I often have to leave ddog with them and I feel guilty and I also know that if MIL is in a mood she'll resent it even though ddog basically just sleeps most of the time.

I just wrote DH a letter. It was quite cathartic and got the tears flowing. I don't know if I'll put it in the coffin but it helped writing down what I was thinking and feeling. I just don't know how my life will be now. I chose to spend the rest of my/his life with him and it's now over. I don't see how I could find anyone who I could even like half as much as him.

I've just read this thread & I am so sorry about your husband & your frustrations at not being able to grieve properly.

I just want to thank you for your honesty & candour about such a difficult subject. My dbro has been told his cancer is terminal & we have a similar journey ahead of us. Your thread has helped me a lot with understanding & respecting his wishes - even though I feel shut out by him, it's not about me. I will hopefully get to share some time & make some memories with him.

Lots of love & thoughts to you & your beautiful little pooch!

Do you have to stay there? Do you have any other friends or family that you would feel more comfortable with?

I'm glad you've written Dh a letter and that you've had a good cry. You need to do that.

It's very early days, please be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. Don't worry too much about the future at the moment, it's all too much.

So sorry about your brother toot. Is there anything that you used to do together or talk about or watch? When DH was diagnosed he just wanted to be normal and he kinda closed in on himself even from me a little.

With the dog it's the only place I can stay really but I think I'll end up going home Boxing Day and only staying until 3rd January on the second stint.

So sorry your row has got harder to hoe, Niffler.

The only thing I can think of is that they have their grief, though their habits make it harder for you. An inevitable aspect of bereavement is the onus on the bereaved to nod and smile when imposed on by others. It's a complete pisser.

The letter to your DH sounds lovely, and makes me wish I'd thought of such a thing myself when my DH died. Funny, just writing this has made me look about me, getting the house ready for Christmas, and his not being here, as opposed to generally not being here, IYSWIM.

Thanks @Nifflerbowtruckle. He has insisted on life going on as normal. I try to send lots of pictures of my kids doing whatever they're up to as they all adore each other. We live quite far from him so it is tricky trying to get to see him anyway but we message a lot.

@niffler. Just wanted to add how sorry I am for your loss.

Just checking in to say thinking of you this morning Niffler, I can't imagine how tough this is for you being stuck in limbo. I hope ddog is bringing you some comfort at least and you are managing to get some sleep x

It's such a difficult time and you are clearly a very strong lady.

You are doing a wonderful job of coping. Even if you think you're struggling.

Echt sometimes something just hits you in the face doesn't it and makes you realise what is missing.* Not that it's not missing all the time just that it seems amplified.*

They are grieving and I know they are struggling I just know if I told them how I was really feeling they would then say I feel like that but somehow worse and I just can't deal with the competing.* It's not specific to this situation they have always been like that but I usually have more tolerance.*

Ddog is being her usual self although I think she is missing the peace and quiet of her own home.**

When I was upstairs I heard MIL have a meltdown and she's now not speaking to me. She's gone out and I asked BIL what happened and apparently as we are going to see DH this afternoon she's not happy because she wants to go earlier. This is despite the fact she has things she needs to get done and she wanted to go last as she wouldn't be up for doing anything else. I suggested 3pm but she can't then as her friend is coming round so I suggested 4pm and she said fine but she's now in a mood because I am taking my parents dog to the groomers at 1pm.

BIL and FIL suggested she went earlier alone but that wasn't a solution either although I'm glad it isn't. So basically she's taking shit out on me and I won't have it.

Dealing with MIL doesn't sound easy at all. Maybe it is best viewed as a distraction for you, albeit an unintended one.

Hope visit to DH goes smoothly.

A very unintended one. Local paper has been in touch with undertakers wanting to do a piece. I asked what PIL thought cue another tantrum, with MIL saying that she didn't want her paternal family reading it. What she actually meant was she didn't want to read it. She just started bawling say no no I don't want it I can't do it. When I called her on the real reason she said it was because her friends might read it and it's personal to her. We said fine we won't do it but DH wanted his story out there so it will be published even if it wasn't published in the local paper. DH didn't want to die in vain he didn't want other people to go through what he went through. He wanted his story to be told as a lesson to other people.

I wouldn't mind if she calmly said no I'd rather you didn't I think it would be too hard especially so close but she doesn't she just flips out and turns on the waterworks and makes it all about her and it's starting to really piss me off.

I think I will go home the day after the funeral rather than after Christmas. I'd rather be alone than with people who piss me off.

Niffler, that all sounds so hard. You are the wife here, the next of kin and whist his mum could have a say in things, she's being ridiculous.

Stick to what you know your DH wanted, you could always say to MIL 'Yes, I understand what you mean, I'm not sure about X either, but Dh wanted it and I am here to fulfil his wishes'
Just repeat, every single time a decision has to be made.

Is there absolutely nowhere else you can go and stay? Even a hotel might be easier than staying with them, although I realise that may be difficult at this time of year!

I could stay with my aunt with the dog but I think it would just be too close still. I'm sharing the car with them obviously before the funeral so I'll be with them then. I just need to get through the funeral then I'm gone.

If they even knew half of what DH thought of them at times they'd keel over. He hated this behaviour too. I'd never tell them but when you hear DH wouldn't mind or he liked this I just want to scream.

For someone who is an introvert you have have coped very well with not having for your space for a good while now. It isnt surprising that you would like some.

Stick as much as you can to following what your DH wanted, it is very difficult when different family members have different ideas about what should happen.

Grief often doesn't bring out the best in people and the anger and the hurt can end up dumped on the wrong people. There is no excuse for your MIL being unkind to you but I cannot imagine anything worse than losing my DC. She too will be going through her own personal hell.

I hope you find some peace and comfort in the next few days however you manage it.

Such a bloody hard time lass being made worse by a self centred woman. I know he was her son, but he was your husband and she needs to remind herself of that.

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with such difficult circumstances with MIL/FIL - I think that your plan to go home after the funeral sounds sensible. Would you have to be alone (I mean that insofar as would it upset you to be alone)? Its hard to know from outside the relationships whether this is PIL not coping with their grief, PIL not being able to acknowledge that they didn't know DH as well as they could have done, or just how they'd always have been. That said, it doesn't really matter the genesis of their attitude/coping/not coping - what matters is the impact its having on you. You need time and space to grieve, to rail against the world if you want, to watch stupid senseless tv, to curl up with DDog - or whatever gets you through the next few days/weeks. You need to put yourself first otherwise you'll be subsumed by PIL. Thinking of you