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Original poster

Husband now terminal

999 replies

Nifflerbowtruckle · 03/10/2017 19:19

My 31 year old husband has been today diagnosed as terminal. His cancer which had gone in July has come back rapidly and now there is nothing they can do Sad. How do you move on from here? We had his sperm frozen to hopefully try ivf but he won't even be alive to try that.

I'm so utterly heartbroken Sad

OP posts:
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Original poster
Nifflerbowtruckle · 13/10/2017 21:02

I’m trying bumble. Today is my birthday and it’s probably the worst one I’ve ever had. I’m not into making a big fuss but it’s hard knowing this will be the last one I’ll ever spend with him and he’s really unwell in bed.

He’s being treated at the Freeman Hospital. They have been amazing with him especially the nurses and HCA’s on the ward.

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leedspirate · 13/10/2017 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clairethewitch70 · 13/10/2017 22:56

Sorry to hear that DH is terminal.

This is for you CakeFlowers

echt · 14/10/2017 03:04

I'm thinking of you, Niffler Thanks

TwitterQueen1 · 14/10/2017 10:20

Also thinking of you Niffler and everyone else having to deal either personally or indirectly with the bastard that is cancer. There are too many of us.

Original poster
Nifflerbowtruckle · 14/10/2017 12:25

Thank you all

We got a copy of the doctors letter today and the cancer is a little further spread than we thought Sad. He’s been really unwell the past couple of days so I haven’t shown him yet but as well as being in his liver and lymph nodes in this abdomen there is also soft tissue deposits and it’s in the paravertebral space too Sad.

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Chasingsquirrels · 14/10/2017 18:16

Nifflerbowtruckle nothing I can say but thinking of you.

MissTook · 14/10/2017 18:36

So sorry, Niffler. Flowers

MollyHuaCha · 14/10/2017 18:38

Thinking of you. Take care. Flowers

Giraffey1 · 14/10/2017 19:53

Miffed, that sucks, cancer is a bastard. I hope you are able to make the most of the support from family and friends and make some more good memories x

Original poster
Nifflerbowtruckle · 15/10/2017 17:38

Thank you all.

My family and in laws are currently driving me mad. We’ve made a decision to stay in our home/new city as long as possible. Hopefully until the end. We love it here and this is the place we have made our home. Plus his care is here. They keep trying to ‘persuade’ us to move back to our home town where they all live. I understand they want us to be close by but he wants to be here. My dad said that towards the end I have to think of his parents and what they want Hmm. No I have to think of my husband and his wishes about where he will die. He also is pretty unwell now and I think a house move 3 hours away even if he does nothing would be far too much for him. They are stressing me out more than anything. Luckily his brother is with me and he agrees with me that it’s my husbands decision.

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Giraffey1 · 15/10/2017 18:50

OP, that’s terrible, all that extra pressure when you need to be concentrating on your time with your husband, and what he wants. Of course you can’t be moving house - the stress would be too much! I am glad your BIL gets it and is supporting you. X

AnneElliott · 15/10/2017 19:00

How terrible for you op. Sending you unmumsnetty hugs.

Can you inlaws not stay somewhere near you, if they want to spend time with DH?

You need to do what he wants. I know others can take over but he is the important one now.

Original poster
Nifflerbowtruckle · 15/10/2017 20:51

They can stay locally and have stayed at our house although that was stressful. We have a very small house and there was 5 adults and two dogs here. I’ve told my dad that my DH wishes are paramount and the last thing I’ll be able to do for him is for him to die where he chooses.

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sadie9 · 17/10/2017 10:49

I think you are right to stay if that's what DH wants.
Everyone is very emotional and everyone will be trying to exert control over each other.
It's what happens when people are faced with this. People are wanting to be close and everyone thinks they know 'what's best' and sometimes they forget the sick person's perspective.
The sick person just wants their life to continue as similar as possible to what it was when they were well. And with the same amount of contact with family as before too.
The sick person doesn't necessarily want to see their family more often, just because they are sick. But the family want to see the sick person more, because they are aware of the possibility of limited time. They don't see that the patient doesn't share that view. Because the family are blinded by their own emotions in that difficult situation.

And, when the sick person is feeling really rough, they most like don't want any visits. They just want their closest loved one popping their head around the door every so often, but close family don't always understand that and they muscle in anyway.

It's good you have his brother close, as his brother can feed back information. On a practical level, finding them accommodation locally sounds like a good way to go if possible and if finances allow.
And if you can shut down the idea of you guys moving back, that might help. To formally announce it won't be happening, to stop people suggesting it.
Sorry you and DH find yourselves in this situation Sad.

AnnieOH1 · 17/10/2017 11:06

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your husband. I don't normally comment on threads like this but I didn't want to read and run. In your situation make sure the hospital completes a DS1500 form. It will rubber stamp the PIP claim (no filling it out, no medical, no waiting period) and may also open other doors for you. The hospital should have a financial advisor for oncology patients, however from bitter personal experience do double check the information you receive. When I was in the same situation, I had both financial and health attorneyships for my DH, but I also had my dad be joint finance power of attorney. It meant I could deal with just my hubby, toddler and pregnancy.

Another thing, if you have unsecured debts you will be eligible for a medical write off on his, and at least a longer term payment break if not write off on yours. I only say this because I know how much my DH fixated on our finances.

Xxx

Original poster
Nifflerbowtruckle · 17/10/2017 11:21

Everything you said Sadie is spot on. We know they are worried and trying to help but don’t understand that they aren’t. His mum woke him 3 times within a couple of hours under the guise of getting stuff from the room to tell him if you need anything just shout. His pain has actually decreased now they have left as they aren’t stressing him out as much.

Thanks Annie we have the ds1500 sorted PIP called yesterday to say they received it I just need to chase carers allowance. We have an advisor coming tomorrow to sort a blue badge and things like that. We actually have 0 assets so that’s one less worry. We live in a rented house, no loans, no credit cards. The small amount of savings is in my name and the car is mine because he can’t drive. The only thing we need to try and arrange is my name on his bank account so it’s easier to sort.

We also need to get in touch with the sperm bank as it’s signed over to me under my maiden name so I think we need to change it to my married name.

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Chasingsquirrels · 17/10/2017 16:33

Glad his pain (stress levels) has gone down a bit x

Original poster
Nifflerbowtruckle · 17/10/2017 17:53

Thanks chasing we seemed to have reached a decent amount for his pain relief and he’s fairly comfortable now and can spend a few hours downstairs each day which is a big improvement x

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fizzthecat1 · 17/10/2017 18:01

I know I'll get flamed but I do know someone who was diagnosed as Stage 3 cancer and used something called Gerson Therapy as a last ditch attempt and recovered. Also check out the website chris beat cancer. I know I will get flamed but I feel like you should know that people do use methods other than conventional drugs to get better.

Original poster
Nifflerbowtruckle · 17/10/2017 18:42

Fizz I looked at both of those things so I could give a coherent argument.* Whilst I acknowledge that there are certain natural remedies that have proven to be helpful in destroying cancer (cannabis oil, curcumin) none of them are just wholesome food.*

Whilst some cancers do go into spontaneous remission it isn’t due to diet.* My husband had none of the risk factors for cancer and was very healthy. Testicular cancer also isn’t caused by environment or lifestyle.*

Part of the reason cancer deaths/diagnosis’s are increasing is because we have a much more efficient way of testing and diagnosing.* People would die from cancer 100+ years ago but they wouldn’t know it was cancer.*

I also wondered how long it would take for god to be mentioned and there at the end praying to god was mentioned. My husband has had people praying for him for 18 months.* It’s made no difference and although I understand the security it gives to people telling people with a serious illness to pray doesn’t help.*

Bar a miracle (a genuine miracle) my husband will die.* The cancer is already causing him issues (and has been for a while). He struggles to eat and drink since the tumours in his liver will be pressing on his stomach. His back is agony and pain relief only eases it (he can’t lay down to sleep). The hospital had amazing healthy food so he already ate healthily.*

I get that you think your helping but your not.* If my husband was healthy aside from cancer I may well have tried everything at once but he’s not and eating good food won’t change that.*

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nodogsinthebedroom · 17/10/2017 19:01

I'm so sorry niffler Flowers. I have nothing useful to say I'm afraid, but you sound like you are doing an amazing job of looking after your husband and I hope you are able to have some happy moments in the time you have left together. X

Chasingsquirrels · 17/10/2017 19:27

Big hug Nifflerbowtruckle

Iamchanging · 17/10/2017 19:39

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry. I have had a horrendous couple of weeks but what you are going through puts it all in perspective. My thoughts are with you and your DH x

leedspirate · 18/10/2017 01:11

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