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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

DH is going to struggle when son comes out gay

213 replies

morganjoan · 25/01/2025 21:31

My 16 yr old has been "out" to his friends for a while now but he doesn't want his dad to know. It is very obvious that he is gay and has been obvious for a while. It is getting very difficult for him to hide it now and DH has asked me if he is gay? It isn't my place to say so I just keep saying I don't know.

DH struggles with his mental health and hasn't been sleeping great of late and he says he is worried that DS is gay and he has just told me that if DS is gay he is going to find it very hard to deal with. Not sure where to go with this or really what to say?? I think DS is worried if he does tell him then it will start off a mental health crisis for his dad. So should he tell him or just keep quiet? Whichever option - DH's mental health will be compromised.

We both have a gay cousin and he said many years ago when the children were small that if either of our kids came out gay he wouldn't be able to deal with it.

OP posts:
Pootles34 · 25/01/2025 21:36

Jesus. That's a lot - your poor son. He should not feel responsible for his father's health.

You don't really say why he would find it so hard - it's implied he's a bigot, is that correct? I would have to leave him if so.

mynameiscalypso · 25/01/2025 21:38

Your poor son. And having mental health issues is not an excuse for homophobia.

Bristolinfeb · 25/01/2025 21:39

Have you asked him why? What are his concerns?

LittleRedRidingHoody · 25/01/2025 21:39

I think it's more important to support your son here than your DH to be honest.

I'd be clear if he can't 'deal with it', it's the end of the marriage. You don't want to be caught in the middle, and it's important to demonstrate to your son you won't tolerate people treating him with anything but respect.

jumperround · 25/01/2025 21:39

yes I think it's a choice between your son and husband here - of course you should choose your son.

Panickingnowhelp · 25/01/2025 21:40

It isn't for you son to hide who he is in case Dad can't handle it.
Your husband needs to grow up, how can someone being gay effect his mental health?
I wouldn't want to be near a man who made his children feel they had to hide themselves in front of him let alone pander to it.
Let your son know you're proud of him and if dad kicks off I'd make sure my son knew he was supported, kick dad out if necessary.
You need to end this now, it can't go on.
For clarity, I am not the parent of a gay child but saw this thread in active.

Lottapianos · 25/01/2025 21:40

He's going to have to deal with it - your DH that is. Your poor DS can't be made to feel responsible for his dad's mental health. You're right to keep saying that you don't know, because it's DS's news to share as and when hes ready, but how would if feel to ask DH to think about how it would be if it were true? This is DH's problem but he might do better if he had a heads up about what was coming

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 25/01/2025 21:40

Deal with what exactly?

crumpet · 25/01/2025 21:43

Why did you just say you didn’t know? At the least you could say that you don’t know, that it doesn’t matter either way as you’d still love and be proud of your son, and, at some point, you could go so far as to say that it wouldn’t surprise you if he was and that it still didn’t matter.

And then ask your dh why he’d have a problem, and if ds does turn out to be gay is your dh intending to beat him up/go no contact or, despite his private feelings, will he step up and support his son?

AnnaMagnani · 25/01/2025 21:43

What does your DH mean by 'not being able to handle it'.

Can you get him to clarify and then say, he's going to have to figure it out as the most important thing is your son's well-being.

He needs to get his head round that he has to step up and be a supportive dad now, rather than keeping his head in the sand and hoping it isn't going to happen.

It's clearly very obvious that your DS is gay as even your husband is asking, so your husband has got time to figure out his emotions and behave appropriately before DS officially tells him.

Choice4567 · 25/01/2025 21:44

What does DH mean he can't cope with it? Cope with what?

Unescorted · 25/01/2025 21:44

Your husband is a prince isn't he. It is not a comment on his own sexuality if he has a gay kid. MH is not an excuse for being an arsehole. He is a bigot and your son is suffering for it.

So yes tell your husband and if he is anything less than 100% supportive give him marching orders. It is not up to your son to protect someone who is so precious.

2025willbemytime · 25/01/2025 21:44

I'd divorce for this. My ex h never handled it well when he found out his sibling was gay and with comments he's said I know how he'd be if he was to find out one of his kids is, said kid doesn't want him to know.

Time to choose.

Floralnomad · 25/01/2025 21:45

What does he have to deal with ? I think you should tell your son that his dad has asked you and that you’ve reached the point where he has to be told and that whatever happens with his dad that you love him unconditionally and if necessary the two of you will move out . We have a gay son , I’ve not had to ‘deal’ with anything , not sure I could have stayed in a marriage to a man who had these outdated views .

TankFlyBossWalkJamNittyGrittyIAmFromAMidSizeCity · 25/01/2025 21:45

It sounds like you're just placating your husband at the expense of your son.

In all honesty it's come to the point you need to choose your husband or your son, and you should choose your son, no question.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/01/2025 21:45

Your husband needs to grow the fuck up then doesn't he.

PerkyGreenCat · 25/01/2025 21:46

I read this and felt so sad for your son. He's having to hide being gay from his own family like it's some weird freakish thing when it's nothing of the sort.

I'm glad he's got friends that love and accept him for who he is, at least he can be his normal self around them.

Are you really saying that your homophobic husband's mental health will deteriorate if he finds out his son is gay? That's a huge responsibility on your son's shoulders. If he dares to be his normal self, his dad will become unwell and it will be his fault. How awful.

Are there any family members who are good, decent people who he could live with? Or could he live with friends whose parents are kind and caring?

To be honest, if it was me, I'd be kicking the husband out as soon as he made one homophobic comment and supporting my son. It wouldn't even have got this far. I'm guessing he never shared these anti-gay views before you got married and had children.

xRobin · 25/01/2025 21:49

Poor lad 😕 I hope your son knows he is absolutely “normal” and whatever his Dad’s reaction will be is his Dad’s issue.
Personally, one wrong comment from Dad and he’d be getting yeeted out the door.

PermanentTemporary · 25/01/2025 21:50

I think you've got to get your dh into a neutral place with just the two of you and unpick why he feels this way. Just as a hypothetical question, why it would bother him at all?

I think this because it is time to lance this boil. Just keep saying it's hypothetical if he asks, turn it back on him. Get him to pull.out his reasoning and have a proper look at it.

I know that my mother in law would have been bloody awful if ds had come out. She was a straightforward homophobe, her opinions on LGBTQ+ (well, LG, she hadn't really heard of any of the others) were fresh out of 1972. If I knew he were gay, I'd have had to go into battle for him with her to try and prepare the ground. All the more worth it when it's his Dad.

YouZirName · 25/01/2025 21:59

One of the memories that will stick with your son the longest is how his parents react when he comes out. If he finally comes out to his dad, he reacts badly and you pander to your husband that's what will stick in your sons head - his mother choosing a homophobic arsehole instead of him.

Your husband is choosing this, he's choosing to remain bigoted and.. That's the kind of man you're married to.

SpryCat · 25/01/2025 22:00

Your son being gay has no impact on your husband’s Mh, he is trying to manipulate and cause guilt on your son to be what he wants him to be. He needs to learn that his Mh would improve if he wasn’t so controlling and coercive, his reaction is in his control not anyone else’s and he can’t expect people to walk on egg shells around him because he refuses to face up to reality.

Lavender2015 · 25/01/2025 22:01

You sound very passive and I’m guessing have dealt with a lifetime of pandering to your husbands ‘mental health’. But it’s time to step up and protect your kid op. I’ve been in your shoes in terms of the pandering, it’s time to go nuclear. He needs to choose between getting onboard or losing you, your son and hopefully your wider family. You’ll find his ‘mental health’ copes just fine when he runs out of people to bully.

HorseAreBetterThanHumans · 25/01/2025 22:02

Sorry but you've got this all wrong. Worry about how you will support your son given his dad is an arse.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 25/01/2025 22:03

A. It's 2025, not the 1970's

B. LTB

InWithThePlums · 25/01/2025 22:05

Bloody hell, what decade is he living in?! I couldn’t be doing with that kind of attitude OP.

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