DH is going to struggle when son comes out gay

[morganjoan]

My 16 yr old has been "out" to his friends for a while now but he doesn't want his dad to know. It is very obvious that he is gay and has been obvious for a while. It is getting very difficult for him to hide it now and DH has asked me if he is gay? It isn't my place to say so I just keep saying I don't know.

DH struggles with his mental health and hasn't been sleeping great of late and he says he is worried that DS is gay and he has just told me that if DS is gay he is going to find it very hard to deal with. Not sure where to go with this or really what to say?? I think DS is worried if he does tell him then it will start off a mental health crisis for his dad. So should he tell him or just keep quiet? Whichever option - DH's mental health will be compromised.

We both have a gay cousin and he said many years ago when the children were small that if either of our kids came out gay he wouldn't be able to deal with it.

You need to make a choice

1. support your child and expect DH to support him to, leave him if he doesn't.
2. support DH in showing your child that both of his parents care nothing for him. Make your choice wisely.

The man has health issues which impact his judgement and decisions. The OP has made it clear he has shown no homophobic sentiments before. He is struggling with an aspect of his son's identity.

Assuming he loves his son and would want him to be happy, he's going to have to accept his son for who is he and not question it.

The son (who I assume loves his father) should not hide who he is or subordinate his happiness or wellbeing.

However they are both going to have to go on a journey together on this. That journey is based on love and understanding. It's complicated by mental health issues. They need guidance and support which I'm sure the OP will help with.

They are a family. Families are messy and can be difficult at times.

No one has indicated homophobia.

@Bartoz

The OP has made it clear he has shown no homophobic sentiments before.

No one has indicated homophobia.

To be fair to us, OP has literally said:

"I can't win my DH is homophobic and my son is gay"

I think that was after she'd been told repeatedly he was homophobic, it didn't seem to be where she started.

I am not sure if all the posters seeing this as a binary choice of choose DH or choose son actually have any direct experience.
As I can tell you as the mum of two gay men that their DH ( who is the most loving fantastic dad in the world) had to give his head a wobble at first. As did I - religious upbringing knowing members of my own family would feel some degree of shame.
It was my job as his mum to work this all through - I said to my own DF ( who scared us senseless with the AIDS epidemic in the 1980s) that if he messed up the relationship I would not be helping him repair it.
My DS knew his grandad was challenged but always felt loved and gave his grandad a bit of a break to take account of his own age and upbringing.
whether the OP has marriage problems I would caution against using son as the trigger point and do everything she can to salvage the relationship between DS and his dad.
this is not simple and OP seemed to start the thread asking for support and I am not sure all the posts are supportive of what must be a tricky situation
and my DH took my DS to rugby which it turned out later he hated and was bullied. That was a big error on our part and we later had a conversation with DS and apologised. DH was doing his best trying to share the love of sport his dad had with him.

Your husband needs to grow up.

There should never be a choice. If your partner is treating your child badly why is there a choice. It should be innate what one should do.

He would rather leave his family than "deal with" his gay son. How could that not indicate homophobia?

Where does it say he'd rather leave his family? OP said she'd hope he'd leave or she'd have to but I can't see anywhere that he's threatened to leave.

If you won’t leave your husband over this, at least make sure you are trying to raise your daughters well. They shouldn’t want to go with their father because they should be outraged that he would reject a gay son. Your messaging needs to be stronger.

OP said she thinks he'd probably leave him. And she'd probably be better off without him. Her som certainly would.

Any updates? How did it go down?

Again shocking the women on here who say choose your son over your husband…. The worse thing in the world you can give is to leave his dad.

these comments lack any empathy or insight into your situation: leaving your husband over this would make your son feel worse and culpable. Obviously, it’s his dad.

Personally I would try to have an adult conversation about it and get him to process things before he talks with your son. He needs to let go of any need to “deal” with it, it’s a false sense of control.