DH is going to struggle when son comes out gay

[morganjoan]

My 16 yr old has been "out" to his friends for a while now but he doesn't want his dad to know. It is very obvious that he is gay and has been obvious for a while. It is getting very difficult for him to hide it now and DH has asked me if he is gay? It isn't my place to say so I just keep saying I don't know.

DH struggles with his mental health and hasn't been sleeping great of late and he says he is worried that DS is gay and he has just told me that if DS is gay he is going to find it very hard to deal with. Not sure where to go with this or really what to say?? I think DS is worried if he does tell him then it will start off a mental health crisis for his dad. So should he tell him or just keep quiet? Whichever option - DH's mental health will be compromised.

We both have a gay cousin and he said many years ago when the children were small that if either of our kids came out gay he wouldn't be able to deal with it.

Because he has never shown any homophobia towards anyone else or mentioned anything about being gay when watching TV and is good friends with my gay cousin they don't see him as homphobic.

But you must have known the activities your son liked doing so you could have suggested those to DH instead of all the activities he didn't like. It's like you didn't live together and you're only just realising all these things?

I'm mid 30s and certainly saw some of it which makes me even less tolerant of homophobia not more.

I can't I just can't imagine the pain that little 6 year old went through..knowing he was different maybe but not comprehending why to have to grow up literally not being able to be himself ,and learn as he goes how to handle his father..being in the shadows for fear as not to upset Dh. How your lovely son isn't driven insane over the years carrying that weight is anyones guess.

I think I'd have to sit DH down in private and tell him very firmly that he better think very carefully before making his feelings known to the DC about your DS's sexuality.

Tell him straight that in this day and age, he needs to get a grip and get over himself. They are your DC and his sexuality should absolutely not change his love for his son. And if he does, then utter shame on him.

What age are you daughters

like many men he has fucked up ideas about masculinity and has seen a son as more of a continuation of these ideas than a person in his own right, if that makes sense? What if you told him that he’s damaging his own son, and his relationship , through refusing to acknowledge who he really is, and needs counselling for the sake of the family?

It's not great is it.
Op do you think that 'going to find it very hard to deal with' could morph into 'will not tolerate it'?
Or will he be able to work through his feelings?

What about your son's mental health?!
How can him being gay will cause mental health issues with his dad, who can't handle it? Handle what exactly? What should it matter who he fancies?!
You encouraging him to keep it a secret will not help your poor son.

Many posters have said that they would leave or kick out their child's father's if he had an issue with their child's sexuality.
Surely people find out their partner's views on sexuallity fairly early on in their relationship. Why would you continue a relationship once you knew someone had issues with homosexuallity, let alone have a child with them?

He would no longer be my DH.

I can’t comprehend why someone would leave their family because one of their children is gay. I can see why you would ask him to leave,OP, but not the other way round. It’s such a cowardly thing he would be doing to his child. Your son is lucky he has you in his corner.

Sadly a lot of men have this thing about having gay sons as they seem to believe that it makes them less of a man if they dont produce a proper man as a son....I am not sure why, maybe they think it makes them "half " gay and all those secret fantasies they had about shagging men themselves is what made their sons gay!

You would be amazed what you hear working in a pub!

This is so alien to me. My dc wouldn't even have to 'come out' because it's very normal in my family and wider circles. It's never even a thing. Being gay is as normal as being straight to us. I was brought up not to even think about it or bat an eye. Every one of my cousins male and female are gay. What is your husband playing at? What's his problem? So strange. I'd tell him and tell him to grow up ffs.

Did we timewarp back to 1985???

Tell your husband he is a bigoted idiot who needs to grow up. This would be a deal breaker for me. I would not live with a partner is is openly homophobic.

Sounds like your husband has been making your son feel like shit for years for not being boyish enough. You are acting like most Dad's are like this. No most Dad's are not like this. A loving Father in 2025 would accept a child who enjoyed any activity. Keeping this secret and accepting what your bigot husband says is what will break up your family, not your son coming out. And I find it hard that your daughter's will 'side' with their Father. Side with him in what? Parents break up all the time. The reason here would be your husband's homophobia and lack of support for his son. How can anyone argue with that? Your husband needs a therapist to sort out his demons. Non of this should be your son's problem.

My XH, who had become a very tricky man to live with at that point in our marriage became an even bigger idiot when one of our kids told us they were gay.

I asked him to leave within the month, it was the kiss of ☠️ for me. There was absolutely no point in trying to patch things up after that.

DC is an adult now, happy, thriving, has a lovely partner and, not surprisingly, is no contact with XH.

Stand up for your child.

I have been thinking about this thread. I must be naive - I honestly didn't think there was a closet in the UK anymore. I find it wholly depressing to think sexual orientation is still stigmatised and a point of shame, that necessitates keeping it a secret - especially from your own father.

I agree with this in every sense. It’s your husband that’s an issue here and you sound like you’re doing a great job.

For context for my anger, one of the most recent conversations I had with my son was about his 40 year old husband’s mental health struggles, which are fully based in a sense of shame and self disgust at being gay, feeling too ashamed to come out to his family for yearsbecause of their attitudes. My son cried and literally said ‘that fucking closet kills people’ and I know he’s right because so many of my gay friends have said similar.

For me, someone saying they would struggle if their child was gay is akin to saying they’d struggle if their child had a relationship with someone of a different ethnicity, it belongs in the history books.

Whatever any of us can do to stop the bigotry which contributes to this is so important and the very least we can do is not validate it.

My friends brother is gay his mum didn’t take it well
not because she was homophobic or had a problem with gay . Her worry was his life (early 1980’s) was going to be very hard and difficult for him

Then educate your daughters!

I sometimes worried about my child being gay. Partly as I knew h would be a dick about it but also because I felt it can be harder for them in life than if they were straight. This thread proves it but I also know that 99% of people are decent and it's nowhere near as it used to be.

Am I the only one thinking your gay cousin might be the one who can talk some sense into him? A gay person he does respect and get on well with? Have you told your cousin about any of this? What would they be advising?

It's not what dads do...

You seem to have missed your son has lived for years knowing his dad doesn't love him, like him and it disappointed in him.

What will it take?

You aren't the reason for the marriage break up and you should just take the hit even if you were. If you lose your daughter then you lose her. Your son has done nothing wrong here. Your daughter is taking after her dad and so that's just too bad.

I am sure some people think I'm the cause of my marriage ending because I said no to something my now ex h did/said but I know I did what was right for me and my children support me. Anyone else's opinion is worthless to me.

edited for typo and to add.

Maybe it was only used as a mild insult because you weren’t a child being targeted by others using it as a means to bully and abuse? It certainly wasn’t a mild insult for my son in his late 30s who was called gay every single day at school for years. It affected his mental health. It made him question what was wrong with him and why he was hated so much. He didn’t understand what it was about him that made him a target of daily homophobic abuse at school and blamed himself for it. And worse still he couldn’t even tell anyone because then you got targeted even more for being a grass. You are lucky your only experience of it was as a mild insult. Some children were not so fortunate.

It's good that there is already the beginning of a conversation about it between you, as you can begin to help him accept it. Ask questions like, 'Why do you think you couldn't handle it? I'm sure you could, really.' Or, make comments like, 'If he is gay, he's still the same person we know and love. It doesn't change him.' If he's open to it, you could ask, ' Why do you think you feel this way about him being gay?' Then you can address any underlying issues with him about shame, or worry what other people think or believing his son is less of a man. Or similar.

You could point out people he admires or likes, politicians, actors, writers, scientists, musicians etc who are gay, and say, 'You think they are great. And our son is great.'
You could warn him of the dangers of homophonic parents of gay children with comments like, 'If he is gay, wouldn't you rather he felt comfortable being honest about it to his family, than lying, or avoiding us or trying to be something he's not and living unhappily.'