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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

DH is going to struggle when son comes out gay

213 replies

morganjoan · 25/01/2025 21:31

My 16 yr old has been "out" to his friends for a while now but he doesn't want his dad to know. It is very obvious that he is gay and has been obvious for a while. It is getting very difficult for him to hide it now and DH has asked me if he is gay? It isn't my place to say so I just keep saying I don't know.

DH struggles with his mental health and hasn't been sleeping great of late and he says he is worried that DS is gay and he has just told me that if DS is gay he is going to find it very hard to deal with. Not sure where to go with this or really what to say?? I think DS is worried if he does tell him then it will start off a mental health crisis for his dad. So should he tell him or just keep quiet? Whichever option - DH's mental health will be compromised.

We both have a gay cousin and he said many years ago when the children were small that if either of our kids came out gay he wouldn't be able to deal with it.

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 25/01/2025 22:38

Your husband is being utterly ridiculous and so are you for not telling him so.

MissDoubleU · 25/01/2025 22:38

I would currently be much more concerned about the mental health of your son. The damage is already happening, him knowing his very identity is something that might cause a mental break down. Having to hide himself from his father because he knows already the shame his dad feels, even at the idea of who he is.

Tell your husband your child is the priority here and you won’t stand by his blatant homophobia. Prove to your son that he is worth the world and your DH is being an asshole who needs to get over himself and whatever ego issues he’s clinging onto. “I couldn’t deal with it” - what a disgusting thing to say. If my DP said things like this about my children being LGBT they would be out the front door so damn fast.

I cannot underline it any more, your DS is the child in this situation and he needs safeguarding and supported. Your DH (and his making it all about him for some reason?) does not.

UnicornWorld · 25/01/2025 22:38

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/01/2025 22:36

@UnicornWorld I think you mean "hallmark" (singular). As far as I'm aware, the kind men haven't registered a "trademark" for themselves (yet).

Yep, I did mean that.

Brinkley22 · 25/01/2025 22:38

Your DH really needs to find a space to make sense of his feelings as he is already projecting big stuff onto his son. Has he had/ would he have therapy?
it’s also really unfair for your son to feel responsible for your DH’s feelings; for him to feel that just in being himself he is damaging to his dad’s mental health.
also you may not be able to insist that your DH seeks help, but what you can do (and maybe have already done) is let your son know that he is perfect just as he is and that your DH’s MH difficulties are not his fault or his responsibility. And that DH’s response to his sexuality is related to DH’s past and has nothing to do with his son. And that you are proud of your son and in no way agree with what your DH is saying

Gymmum82 · 25/01/2025 22:39

Next time he asks tell him you don’t care if he’s gay and if he’s going to struggle to deal with it he better start dealing now.
What support is he currently getting with his mental health? And why are you making it your son’s responsibility?

You need to pick your son and pick your son every single time his dad tries to blame him for whatever crisis he’s creating for himself.

murasaki · 25/01/2025 22:40

Deal with what? You need to prioritise your son not this bigot using his 'mental health ' as a weapon. Your son is gay, your husband throwing a hissy fit does not change that.

Purpleturtle46 · 25/01/2025 22:40

I would be disgusted with my husband if he said that, in fact I would find it really hard to ever get over. It shouldn't matter what sexuality your child is as long as he is happy. It's not a choice! I would fully support my son and be having a serious hypothetical conversation with my husband about how is is going to handle it to minimise any hurt on your son's part.

2025willbemytime · 25/01/2025 22:41

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 25/01/2025 22:11

Next time DH asks you, perhaps your response should be, “Why are you asking me, instead of him” or “What do you think it says about your and DS’s relationship that you are asking me this?”

This is not right. If you say that you potentially are forcing your husband to ask his son when his son doesn't want to tell him and doesn't deserve to be put on the spot.

MissDoubleU · 25/01/2025 22:41

I think you need to drastically reframe this in your own mind.

Son is going to struggle when DH doesn’t accept him for who he is.

TheignT · 25/01/2025 22:42

Do you think it might be worse not knowing? I always think I can face most things but I am shocking at worrying about things that might happen.

AngryBookworm · 25/01/2025 22:43

Your poor son. No child should be made to feel that way. Your DH has both mental health problems and bigotry - neither of which are your son's fault. I'd give him an ultimatum, that he gets himself to counselling to sort out his feelings away from your son. He's struggling to deal with reality which is very sad for him but is neither your nor your sons responsibility. I'd focus your energy on supporting your son and keeping him safe - including, if need be, putting boundaries in place to ensure he's safe in his own home.

Ponderingwindow · 25/01/2025 22:43

How you handle this depends on how your DH is going to struggle.

is he worried that your son will face discrimination? Is he worried that life will be harder for your child? Is he worried that there may be insurmountable barriers to parenthood if your son wants to become a parent someday? Is he worried about pockets of disease transmission in cultural sub-groups?

these are all legitimate concerns. You can deal with them by joining a support group or simply doing some reading about how the world actually works for gay adults these days .

if his concerns are based upon his own prejudice, then you need to make some hard choices. Your son deserves unconditional love. If his father can’t provide it, his father doesn’t deserve to live in the family home.

MissDoubleU · 25/01/2025 22:43

2025willbemytime · 25/01/2025 22:41

This is not right. If you say that you potentially are forcing your husband to ask his son when his son doesn't want to tell him and doesn't deserve to be put on the spot.

Show quote history

Absolutely, son is clearly aware it is not safe to tell his father and won’t be at all supported in this situation. Hence avoiding it. Forcing the father to confront him and outing him is forcing major conflict and rejection on the poor kid. He needs a lot more safeguarding than this.

Getkettleon · 25/01/2025 22:43

Although it sounds like your DH is struggling with his mental health, I don't think your son hiding is the answer.
And in any case, it's likely your DH already knows. You say it's obvious, and he's already asked you, and you haven't said no. It's pretty obvious then!
I think you should support your son to come out to him, and if needed support your DH come to terms with it. And just because DH may find it hard it doesn't necessarily mean he is homophobic. It's a big thing. The implications and things to deal with can range from more selfish things like dealing with a different path you had imagined for your child, the stigma (however wrongly) attached to it, to more parental worry like worrying about the dangers of homophobia the child may now be exposed to, opportunities that could be taken away, bullying etc.

If it's just a matter of DH accepting son for who he is then that's different but the OP doesn't specify what it is he's struggling with - it could be all sorts of things. So anyway just a different perspective.

MummytoE · 25/01/2025 22:44

morganjoan · 25/01/2025 21:31

My 16 yr old has been "out" to his friends for a while now but he doesn't want his dad to know. It is very obvious that he is gay and has been obvious for a while. It is getting very difficult for him to hide it now and DH has asked me if he is gay? It isn't my place to say so I just keep saying I don't know.

DH struggles with his mental health and hasn't been sleeping great of late and he says he is worried that DS is gay and he has just told me that if DS is gay he is going to find it very hard to deal with. Not sure where to go with this or really what to say?? I think DS is worried if he does tell him then it will start off a mental health crisis for his dad. So should he tell him or just keep quiet? Whichever option - DH's mental health will be compromised.

We both have a gay cousin and he said many years ago when the children were small that if either of our kids came out gay he wouldn't be able to deal with it.

My god what year Is it?? Support your son, tell your husband to grow up. Good luck

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/01/2025 22:44

@Greyish2025 this isn't my thread and I don't wish to derail it but since you've asked, yes, I believe my husband knows.

He treats our son with kindness and respect. He plays dolls with him and encourages DS' hero worship of Lady Gaga by singing along (tunelessly) in the car with the volume cranked right up. He promises that next time she tours, they'll be there front and centre.

But will he find it difficult when DS hits 14/15/16 and dyes his hair pink/wears black eyeliner and lipgloss/brings a boy home? Yes, he undoubtedly will. That makes him old fashioned and out of step - not Satan Incarnate.

How marvelous that so many mumsnetters live in a world of black and white rather than the real world with the rest of us.

Edenmum2 · 25/01/2025 22:46

Did you know he was homophobic when you had a child with him?

Dweetfidilove · 25/01/2025 22:47

I'd be more concerned about my the impact 'hiding himself ' would have on my son's mental health.

PinkArt · 25/01/2025 22:47

Your husband is homophobic. He needs to own his bigotry.
Then both of you need to be very clear with each other that your son is in no way responsible for his homophobic dad's mental health. There should not even be a hint between you that he would need to lie about an inherent part of himself because his homophobic dad might blame his health on it.
Obviously your son should never sense even a whisper of such a thought or a conversation.
You have one chance to respond positively if and when he chooses to come out to you. If your husband can't put his child first then you will need to do that for both of you and chose your son above your husband.

Lionred · 25/01/2025 22:50

What exactly would he have to deal with? Your husband is homophobic and using his mental health to cover up. Make sure your son knows whose side you’re on.

beAsensible1 · 25/01/2025 22:50

Why would it affect his MH. What a horrid thing to put on your son to force him to stay in the closet.

your DH s mental health has nothing to do with anyone else’s sexuality. He should seek outside support.

you should be offering support to your son.

yourmaw · 25/01/2025 22:51

Is his father\son bond not unconditonal? I think the only sorta revelation that can test that is rapist\peadophile\murderer.
Your son isnt obligated to tell his dad.
Your dh is using his variable mental health as shield and weapon. Pretty much enforcing not being told. Your being manipulated to comply.
fuck hum.Maybe he'd sleep better if he focused on being a loving supportive dad.

murasaki · 25/01/2025 22:51

Weaponising potential and possibly not even true mental health issues in order to lock his son into a closet of the father's making is the very definition of shit parenting. You'll have to speak to him and point this out, I'm afraid.

UnicornWorld · 25/01/2025 22:52

yourmaw · 25/01/2025 22:51

Is his father\son bond not unconditonal? I think the only sorta revelation that can test that is rapist\peadophile\murderer.
Your son isnt obligated to tell his dad.
Your dh is using his variable mental health as shield and weapon. Pretty much enforcing not being told. Your being manipulated to comply.
fuck hum.Maybe he'd sleep better if he focused on being a loving supportive dad.

Yes maybe the title should he focused on poor DS, not his woe is me bigot dad

k1233 · 25/01/2025 22:52

It's not a conversation I could have as, for me personally, what does it matter who someone is sleeping with (obviously legally). I cannot see any reason sexual partner or sexual orientation changes "who" a person is.

I feel sorry for your son and others who have to deal with these types of people. If your husband does pull the mental health card, he's an utter prick. Can you imagine your poor son feeling that just being himself caused his father to lose it? Your son is not responsible for his father's mental health. Your husband needs to be proactively dealing with his issues.