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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

DH is going to struggle when son comes out gay

213 replies

morganjoan · 25/01/2025 21:31

My 16 yr old has been "out" to his friends for a while now but he doesn't want his dad to know. It is very obvious that he is gay and has been obvious for a while. It is getting very difficult for him to hide it now and DH has asked me if he is gay? It isn't my place to say so I just keep saying I don't know.

DH struggles with his mental health and hasn't been sleeping great of late and he says he is worried that DS is gay and he has just told me that if DS is gay he is going to find it very hard to deal with. Not sure where to go with this or really what to say?? I think DS is worried if he does tell him then it will start off a mental health crisis for his dad. So should he tell him or just keep quiet? Whichever option - DH's mental health will be compromised.

We both have a gay cousin and he said many years ago when the children were small that if either of our kids came out gay he wouldn't be able to deal with it.

OP posts:
itsjustbiology · 25/01/2025 23:20

Having just seen my son marry the love of his life I could not have loved either of them more and my goodness I was so proud of both of them. Your DH needs to tread very carefully and remember this boy was his little boy all those years ago, he is the same boy who he always was. He will loose so much if he doesn't support his boy. Sort Dh out OP or you will loose too. Please do not let this happen.

CelloOtter · 25/01/2025 23:20

We had both known our son was gay before he told us. I have mental health problems. We love him as we love our other sons and just want him to live his life and be happy. He is. So are we. I can understand fear in mental health situations. The thought of going down the dark tunnel is fearsome, or can be. I’m just saying compassion for everyone involved is important. I wouldn’t change my son for the world.

Matronic6 · 25/01/2025 23:20

Panickingnowhelp · 25/01/2025 21:40

It isn't for you son to hide who he is in case Dad can't handle it.
Your husband needs to grow up, how can someone being gay effect his mental health?
I wouldn't want to be near a man who made his children feel they had to hide themselves in front of him let alone pander to it.
Let your son know you're proud of him and if dad kicks off I'd make sure my son knew he was supported, kick dad out if necessary.
You need to end this now, it can't go on.
For clarity, I am not the parent of a gay child but saw this thread in active.

I agree with this completely.

Instead of dodging it completely with an 'I don't know' you should be calling him out for being homophobic, tell him to go to therapy and sort his shit out.

UnicornWorld · 25/01/2025 23:21

Sorry for typos @PuppiesProzacProsecco my phone seems to be wet from the storm.

I'm a bit prickly against people I think show signs of homophobia. I didn't need to take that out on you.

Quinlan · 25/01/2025 23:21

And when you leave him, you make it clear the the children that the marriage has ended due to issues between the two of you. Just the two of you. You do not tell your kids that you are leaving “because X is gay.” Then he feels the guilt, your daughters will laser focus on him to have someone to blame and he will feel self loathing over that.

You tell them you are leaving because of him. Not because of your son.

murasaki · 25/01/2025 23:22

If he already has alleged mental health issues, does he have a therapist in place that he can talk to about this? Or are they those kind of issues that only come out when needed so he doesn't seek any treatment?

MJconfessions · 25/01/2025 23:24

This has annoyed me.

His sexuality isn’t anyone’s business, believe it or not his dad doesn’t have a right to know. It has nothing to do with him.

I think you are majorly catastrophizing here.

Your husband being homophobic has nothing to do with your son being gay. He’s always had a problem with gay men.

Your marriage issues have nothing to do with your son being gay. You have already been considering separation.

Your daughter preferring her dad over you has nothing to do with your son being gay. It sounds like a difficult home environment and she likely has complicated and misguided sympathy for her dad’s mental health issues.

Your son coming out, doesn’t need to be bundled in with the rest of the household drama. Frankly it sounds like you just need to break up with him, for the sake of the rest of the household being happier. It seems like everyone is walking on eggshells due to your husband.

Oakcupboard · 25/01/2025 23:24

Your DH should be thankful he doesn’t have an actual problem to deal with, like someone being very ill. He needs to wise up. Your poor son

feelingfree17 · 25/01/2025 23:25

I take it your husband is lucky enough to have a happy, healthy and a good human for a son?
What exactly couldn’t your husband cope with?
Stop pandering to him and support your son.

Luminiiii · 25/01/2025 23:25

What have I just read?!? Your poor son. Your husband sounds truly awful.

Crouton19 · 25/01/2025 23:26

Would your DH have counselling or talking therapy to get to the bottom of what his concern is? Does he believe in a religion, or is there something more universal going on, such as fear of not having biological grandchildren, or something else? There are support groups around for parents who for whatever reason struggled with their children being gay and got out the other side to have good ongoing relationships with them. It's not a foregone conclusion.

Luminiiii · 25/01/2025 23:27

MJconfessions · 25/01/2025 23:24

This has annoyed me.

His sexuality isn’t anyone’s business, believe it or not his dad doesn’t have a right to know. It has nothing to do with him.

I think you are majorly catastrophizing here.

Your husband being homophobic has nothing to do with your son being gay. He’s always had a problem with gay men.

Your marriage issues have nothing to do with your son being gay. You have already been considering separation.

Your daughter preferring her dad over you has nothing to do with your son being gay. It sounds like a difficult home environment and she likely has complicated and misguided sympathy for her dad’s mental health issues.

Your son coming out, doesn’t need to be bundled in with the rest of the household drama. Frankly it sounds like you just need to break up with him, for the sake of the rest of the household being happier. It seems like everyone is walking on eggshells due to your husband.

Edited

So perfectly put. This sums it up.

itsjustbiology · 25/01/2025 23:31

To add to my previous post ..my son in law is a headmaster,very much respected and trusted by parents,staff and kids alike. Being gay is not the issue,it never was. and it never should be. Being an honest,decent, trustworthy member of society is what matters. Maybe mention to your husband gay people are people first and foremost and my goodness there is far more to life than someones personal life.

DontPushMeCos · 25/01/2025 23:32

Oh OP I’m sorry to hear how hard it all is. Your poor son - there is such an opportunity for you dh to grow here … if given the benefit of the doubt- do you think he has good intentions?…maybe his mental health is so bad due to a strict catholic upbringing, maybe he’s so indoctrinated he feels repulsed at thoughts of gay sex /intimacy, maybe he’d think your ds would be missing out on traditional family life, maybe he’s scared of all the judgement of others or that your ds is bound for hell! Can you all try family therapy with extra individual therapy for your dh? Good luck & well done for prioritising your son when you clearly feel torn every which way x

Onthemaintrunkline · 25/01/2025 23:35

Your husband has a choice, either he ‘deals’ with it, or he doesn’t. This is not about your husband, it’s about your Son and making sure he remains (and knows) he’s as dear to you both as he presumably always has been.

DontPushMeCos · 25/01/2025 23:38

Although Ive suggested Therapy in the hope of breaking intergenerational trauma-I also agree with @MJconfessions… and it may just be too much of a strain on everyone to wait for DH to sort out his issues.

Waitingforthecold · 25/01/2025 23:39

It is beyond me why anyone like this would have kids. Your poor poor son. I hope he finds the love and acceptance he deserves - and that should be unconditional in his home

Praying4Peace · 25/01/2025 23:43

As parents,we have no choice but to cope with many things.
That comes with the territory of parenthood.

InWalksBarberalla · 25/01/2025 23:47

If your DH knew he couldn't 'cope' with having a gay child he should never have had children in the first place. And if you knew this before having children with him then you shouldn't have done so.

murasaki · 25/01/2025 23:48

It doesn't need coping with , it just is, like being left handed, blue eyed or tall.

UnicornWorld · 25/01/2025 23:49

DontPushMeCos · 25/01/2025 23:38

Although Ive suggested Therapy in the hope of breaking intergenerational trauma-I also agree with @MJconfessions… and it may just be too much of a strain on everyone to wait for DH to sort out his issues.

He doesn't need therapy

UnicornWorld · 25/01/2025 23:49

Crouton19 · 25/01/2025 23:26

Would your DH have counselling or talking therapy to get to the bottom of what his concern is? Does he believe in a religion, or is there something more universal going on, such as fear of not having biological grandchildren, or something else? There are support groups around for parents who for whatever reason struggled with their children being gay and got out the other side to have good ongoing relationships with them. It's not a foregone conclusion.

Support groups??

Inyournewdress · 25/01/2025 23:50

Sorry OP, I am not following…are you saying that your think your DH will expect you to disown your son, and will leave you if you stick by your son?

Quinlan · 25/01/2025 23:50

Praying4Peace · 25/01/2025 23:43

As parents,we have no choice but to cope with many things.
That comes with the territory of parenthood.

Your child’s sexuality is not something you “cope with.” It’s a non event.

If your child commits an awful crime, you need to try and cope as a family. If they have a terrible illness, you need to try and cope.

You son fancying boys is not something you need to cope with. It doesn’t matter one bit. You don’t have to “cope with” your child being straight, do you?

Blogswife · 25/01/2025 23:52

OMG I couldn’t be married to a homophobe even if my DS wasn’t gay.
He’s a small minded bigot . How awful for your DS that he can’t be himself in front of his own DF. So sad