DH is going to struggle when son comes out gay

[morganjoan]

My 16 yr old has been "out" to his friends for a while now but he doesn't want his dad to know. It is very obvious that he is gay and has been obvious for a while. It is getting very difficult for him to hide it now and DH has asked me if he is gay? It isn't my place to say so I just keep saying I don't know.

DH struggles with his mental health and hasn't been sleeping great of late and he says he is worried that DS is gay and he has just told me that if DS is gay he is going to find it very hard to deal with. Not sure where to go with this or really what to say?? I think DS is worried if he does tell him then it will start off a mental health crisis for his dad. So should he tell him or just keep quiet? Whichever option - DH's mental health will be compromised.

We both have a gay cousin and he said many years ago when the children were small that if either of our kids came out gay he wouldn't be able to deal with it.

I'd have found it difficult if DD had hit 14/15/16 and dyed her hair pink, worn black eyeliner and lipgloss, and brought a boy home!

I feel for you op caught in the middle.

I feel mostly for your son who probably has now or at least will have in the future his own MH issues. He's hiding who he is- carrying the responsibility of his fathers MH that's so unfair to him.

I'd seriously look at putting your ds in his own 121 therapy before during and after telling his father about him being gay. The help of a trained professional is what your ds needs now to help him learn his dads issues are not to be carried by ds and ds to learn to love himself and accept himself.

Not family therapy because if dad has a wobble and doesn't return your ds will carry that as his fault.

And I agree with others I think you have to choose between your ds and dh.

There is no middle

Does he somehow think it makes his manly sperm seem less manly if they led to a gay son?

It does not, and if he believes it does, he is stupid as well as homophobic.

I would guess as your H having trouble sleeping and asking you questions he already knows, I would tell him when your son is not home. I would tell him it’s not a big deal and he has to deal with it. Don’t pander to him, just be matter of fact, he can’t keep you all hostage and rule the roost because of his Mh

Your poor son. I would have had it out with my husband back when the kids were small if he said he couldn't handle them being gay. Your son shouldn't have to hide part of himself in his home and is no way responsible for his father's mental health.

I'd imagine he can sleep fine. Hes just performing.

Here’s what you say

DH: I wonder if DS is gay
You: It’s actually not your business what any of our DC’s sexualities.

DH: I couldn’t handle it if they were gay
You: There’s nothing for you to handle besides your own bigotry. Get therapy and return when you’re ready to be a loving supportive father.

DH: But my mental health depends on.,
You: It’s not about you. End of.

It sounds like your son’s friends are acting as his family members. Your DH is clearly unable to act in the capacity as a parent and that’s behind your son’s request for him not to be told.

‘When’ your son dies his hair pink etc? You don’t yet know what he’s going to do as a teenager.

I always liked something John Bishop said in an interview when asked about his gay son. ‘Having a gay son is like having a son’.

Well quite! That's pretty much my point - we all struggle as parents when our children start to grow up and away from us. For DH, DS being gay will make it even harder for him to connect and understand his son.

He'll feel he can't relate to the different experiences DS will have as a young, gay man when he was a young, hetero man. I'll do my best to help him navigate that and see that it really doesn't, at the heart of things, make any difference but I will leave him if he can't be supportive and accepting. I will always put my children first.

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t care if my husband couldn’t deal with it. I would be 100% supportive of my child.

This

I'd bet good money on my son doing some/all of this. He's obsessed with drag and male makeup artists. He has the most fabulous sense of style when it comes to clothes (he's my personal in house stylist).

I'm 100% here for it.

I don’t see how the experiences will be so different? It’s like parents who are terribly disappointed they have a daughter because they can’t play catch with them and daughters can never enjoy football.

DS will experience dating, first loves, heartbreak, experimenting with sexual relationships, fall outs with friends, finding themselves, chasing passions… the human experience is terribly relatable when you stop obsessing over very specific details.

Does he realise it's not contagious?

What is it your DH thinks he needs to deal with? It's not him who's gay.

Yes, I know that. But my DH (being a traditional and somewhat emotionally constipated male) will need some help to see it that way.

That makes him old fashioned and out of step - not Satan Incarnate.

My query didn’t imply the above nor did I say it, Your response is very judgemental and presumptuous, yet I’m sure you see yourself as an open minded individual !

How marvelous that so many mumsnetters live in a world of black and white rather than the real world with the rest of us.

What a ridiculous comment, you don’t know the first thing about me, again judgemental and presumptuous.

@Greyish2025 those comments in the latter half of my post weren't directed at you and I apologize if it seemed like they were. I was just defending my position against some of the other rather aggressive comments I've had.

I would always choose my son over DH always and DS knows I have his back. DH was brought up a catholic and when his cousin came out it caused massive friction in his family so I think that is part of the problem.

I cannot comprehend and do not understand why he would feel the way he feels but I cannot change the way he feels but I do think that he would leave me which I am totally and completely prepared for. DH and DS don't have a great relationship anyway as their interests and personalities are so different. There would probably be no loss for either of them.

I have a colleague at work - a lovely guy - who everybody loves and is such a laugh and a great person to work with but last christmas when he had a bit to drink he let slip he has a son as well as his daughter who we knew about, but due to his lifestyle choices they are no longer in contact - we all presumed he meant his son was perhaps on drugs but it turns out his son is gay and he felt ashamed that he had produced a gay son. Another colleague is gay and this other colleague knew that and was absolutely fine with it and showed no homophobia towards him at all but he said that is because it isn't his son. He is homophobic -fact - but only towards his own child which is just so so sad .

I can't win my DH is homophobic and my son is gay DS comes first so I hope he would leave me but then I know my daughters would find that hard, especially my middle one who would probably blame DS and me. She doesn't get on brilliantly with her brother either so she would definitely choose her dad and the family will end up being split two ways but I just don't want DS blame himself. I don't want to lose my DD's over it all though either,

Why did you marry and have kids with a homophobe?
When you find out that the guy you’re with is a homophobe, you dump him. You don’t marry him and get pregnant by him.

I wasn't particularly nice about your dh and I stans by that but fwiw I do think you seek an incredible wife and mother.

Crikey, that is a nightmare. But if he leaves, the son will be potentially happier and the daughters can still see him. But everyone would need to know that it's the dad's fault, not your son's or indeed yours.

I can't get over the fact that you think that'd he'd leave if you couldn't stop your son being gay, which of course you can't and wouldn't want to.

And when he says, while the kids are young, “I couldn’t handle my son being gay” you leave. Don’t wait until the daughters who idolise their father are also now homophobic and the poor gay child is going to take on all the guilt of being the reason the family split.

I think you have to take this situation head on. Tell your DH you are leaving, but he can salvage things with therapy and working through his issues. You cannot let this fall on your DS, especially in front of your daughters.