DH is going to struggle when son comes out gay

[morganjoan]

My 16 yr old has been "out" to his friends for a while now but he doesn't want his dad to know. It is very obvious that he is gay and has been obvious for a while. It is getting very difficult for him to hide it now and DH has asked me if he is gay? It isn't my place to say so I just keep saying I don't know.

DH struggles with his mental health and hasn't been sleeping great of late and he says he is worried that DS is gay and he has just told me that if DS is gay he is going to find it very hard to deal with. Not sure where to go with this or really what to say?? I think DS is worried if he does tell him then it will start off a mental health crisis for his dad. So should he tell him or just keep quiet? Whichever option - DH's mental health will be compromised.

We both have a gay cousin and he said many years ago when the children were small that if either of our kids came out gay he wouldn't be able to deal with it.

Your DH telling you repeatedly that he "couldn't cope " with DS being gay is his way of controlling things to go his way. Hinting he'll have a breakdown is a guilt loaded strategy to silence you and get your son to not come out.
Your husband is doing everything he can to prioritise himself.

PP's trotting out the old generational, religious or worries about discrimination excuses are all red herrings. None of this is what your husband is displaying. It's just good old fashioned homophobia. He's not even hiding it.

He's be happy if your son lived an unfulfilled life. That's what he wants, purely for his comfort.

This is the saddest thread I have ever read. The idea that your DH would leave YOU - the mother of his children - for putting their welfare ahead of his batshit and damaging ideology is disgusting too.

If I were you I would be very firm with him. If he mentions it again I would say "As he grows older, DS's choice of partner has nothing to do with you or me - it is our job to support and love our son to find a life that makes him happy. And if you don't believe that you'd better put yourself in therapy before they grow up or you'll never know your beautiful, wonderful children as the adults they are becoming. I certainly won't be missing a minute of their lives".

And let him digest that.

Ultimately the ball is in his hands. You are doing the right thing to put your kids and your relationship with them first. Im so glad your son has you.

I think @MsGoodWife and @LostittoBostik have both made very thoughtful posts.

I understand that your DH’s religious upbringing & the fallout from his cousin’s coming out are influencing him here. But he is a father, and that should be first & foremost in his mind. He really is letting his son, and himself, down here.

I would be clear with DH now that you're uninterested in any struggle and one single word that isn't acceptance to DS will be grounds for divorce. And get your money etc sorted. Do you work, are you financially independent?

That is so sad, but there are a lot of assumptions going on.

I think all parents do want to share their own enthusiasms with their children. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But as far as I can tell, the OP’s husband didn’t force his son to play football week after week and enroll him in boxing classes to boot. He thought his son would like football because as far as he could see and remember, all boys did like football.

Worrying about how he would react if he had conclusive proof that his son was gay is an entirely different issue from talking to his real life gay son whom he already knows and loves.

Boys do care about what their fathers think of them, and some men have very fixed views about masculinity, but millions of parents throughout history have had their views changed by their own children. A Great Unsaid festering away is likely to be far more damaging than an uncomfortable conversation which both your husband and son may discover is a lot easier than they have been imagining.

He sounds awful Op, I think you need to leave so your life isn’t all about your H’s Mh and live your own life with your Dc, free to be whoever they are.

Personally, I'd be speaking to your husband. I'd confirm that DS IS gay and telling him that any reaction other than being 100% supportive is unacceptable. Then at least DH has time to get his head around it before facing your son.

Your poor son deserves better. I hope it works out.

Why would your DH leave you? I would have thought it would be the other way round.

Stop pandering to your husband...

Having mental health issues has nothing to do with homophobia.

If your husband can't accept your son, then choose to support your son, not the immature, self-centered and manipulative man you married.

Your son should not have to hide and bend over backwards to appease his father and his outdated views.

This^
i think that should be your response.

My son came out to me when he was about 18 although id always known. It absolutely is not your DH's place to find it hard to deal with. We aren't in the 50s anymore.

What's HE got to deal with?

I honestly thought we were past this sort of shit by now - at least as parents.

Jesus, talk about jumping to conclusions. The man has mental health issues and reacts to his environment accordingly.

@Bartoz

If someone's mental health issues mean they wouldn't 'be able to deal with' their child being in a relationship with with a black person (for example) it wouldn't make them any less racist.

OP's husband is homophobic.

He has told OP he would not be able to deal with their son being gay.

Because of this, people feel sorry for OP's son who is gay.

What conclusions do you think that poster you quoted 'jumped to'?

But your son has rightly interpreted that your husband won’t be ok with it?

OP- think this through.
Is your partner going to accept your child, or make things difficult?
If your son eventually finds a long term partner, would your husband be welcoming to that partner?

Some men have a vehement dislike of gay men and you can't change that . I remember chewing the cud with a guy I used to work with who said he'd rather his son was a serial killer than gay . I mean really . Hard to listen to tbh .
I hope your husbands love for his son is stronger than his dislike of gay men OP.

This is brilliantly put

He already know the child is gay, obviously. He's telling you to keep it hidden.

That is so sad that your son knows/feels that his dad doesn't love him.

"All boys want to be footballers"-what kind of shit is that?

He must be quite young to have such daft ideas.

If your son has to hide his sexuality long term it will affect HIS mental health. Don't sacrifice your son's MH in favour of your husband's. Besides which, your husband must be aware already but in denial. He needs to think about his son's welfare above his own too.

Tell your dh
Get over it
If you need help talk to your therapist

Maybe a family therapy session to facilitate conversation

This is sad, but everyone is entitled to their own views and opinions. What's not acceptable is your husband being allowed to force your son to hide his true self.
It may be that your son and his dad no longer have a relationship but your husband is entitled to feel how he feels regardless of whether your opinions align or not. I certainly don't think he needs kicking out of your life just because you have different views unless it changes your opinion of him.

My friend and her ex had to come to terms with their son being gay, despite the fact it was clear from very young that he would be. He came out when he was 16. They had a future in their minds that involved him having a wife, kids etc and now that future was going to look different.
They probably grieved the loss of the image they had in their minds, and the worry of how he would be treated by other people, but they supported their son and accepted him for who he is, whilst also acknowledging that was a 'them' problem not their son's.
Your husband is probably doing the same and may get to the same place, but ultimately he has a choice to accept his son as gay, or not (& no longer have him in his life?).

As context, my husband is a black and white thinker. I am an all grey thinker. We have MANY different opinions on life and society. It doesn't mean I have to divorce him.
I might not like LOTS of his views, but that doesn't change my love for him, as I am a big picture person and his opinions are only part of him. We just agree to disagree.
I'd concentrate on finding out why he would struggle so much with it and work from there.

Can you not have a proper and honest conversation with your husband about this? Push him on this and make sure he's prepared and saying the right things when your son does come out to him. He he can't do it, you have a choice to make and you should be able to tell him that

Ive just read what you said about your husband never shown signs of homophobia, friends with your cousin etc. Do you think he is worried for your son? If he's seen how a member of his family was treated when he came out maybe he isn't homophobic but doesn't want your son to have to deal with prejudice? I guess if you've seen someone being discriminated against for a certain characteristic would you choose that for them? I don't think I'm explaining my thoughts well but if your husband is a worrier that might be preying on his mind.

I suppose ultimately it doesn't help but might make it more understandable. Obviously you know him and I don't so this might be way off. Good luck with it all.

The only men who say things like that are repressed gay men suffering severely with their mental health due to hiding their identity even from themselves.
You probably already knew that.