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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

DH is going to struggle when son comes out gay

213 replies

morganjoan · 25/01/2025 21:31

My 16 yr old has been "out" to his friends for a while now but he doesn't want his dad to know. It is very obvious that he is gay and has been obvious for a while. It is getting very difficult for him to hide it now and DH has asked me if he is gay? It isn't my place to say so I just keep saying I don't know.

DH struggles with his mental health and hasn't been sleeping great of late and he says he is worried that DS is gay and he has just told me that if DS is gay he is going to find it very hard to deal with. Not sure where to go with this or really what to say?? I think DS is worried if he does tell him then it will start off a mental health crisis for his dad. So should he tell him or just keep quiet? Whichever option - DH's mental health will be compromised.

We both have a gay cousin and he said many years ago when the children were small that if either of our kids came out gay he wouldn't be able to deal with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
morganjoan · 25/01/2025 23:53

i've just had a discussion with my son about his reasons for not telling his dad and he says he knows he will be disappointed in him because dads hate having gay sons, so I asked where he got this info from and he said it is common knowledge that very few dads are happy with it and 3 of his friends who are gay have had issues with their dads and his female gay friend it was her mum who had the issue.

He says he will never forget the day that DH took him to football classes and he told him he didn't like it - he was 6 and he says this is when he knew his dad didn't like him. He said to him "but why XXX all little boys want to be footballers" he said from this day on he has never made an effort to like him. DH has tried but always with boysih things - buying him a bike, taking him stock car racing but looking back now probably never asked my son what he would like to do- and in all honesty I don't think that was purposeful it was just what dads do with their sons.

The signs are so obvious so son is going to keep being himself and the penny will have to drop and if DH asks me I am just going to say yeah he is did you not know? if he asks DS he will say the same and if he keeps quiet well nothings really changed.

OP posts:
Inyournewdress · 25/01/2025 23:55

Gosh that is so sad. I don’t think I could stay with a man who made my child feel that way. It sounds like a terribly unhealthy environment for your DS.

MummytoE · 25/01/2025 23:56

You sound like a good mum and I'm sorry you are in this position it must be tough, for you and your son

Edenmum2 · 25/01/2025 23:56

morganjoan · 25/01/2025 23:53

i've just had a discussion with my son about his reasons for not telling his dad and he says he knows he will be disappointed in him because dads hate having gay sons, so I asked where he got this info from and he said it is common knowledge that very few dads are happy with it and 3 of his friends who are gay have had issues with their dads and his female gay friend it was her mum who had the issue.

He says he will never forget the day that DH took him to football classes and he told him he didn't like it - he was 6 and he says this is when he knew his dad didn't like him. He said to him "but why XXX all little boys want to be footballers" he said from this day on he has never made an effort to like him. DH has tried but always with boysih things - buying him a bike, taking him stock car racing but looking back now probably never asked my son what he would like to do- and in all honesty I don't think that was purposeful it was just what dads do with their sons.

The signs are so obvious so son is going to keep being himself and the penny will have to drop and if DH asks me I am just going to say yeah he is did you not know? if he asks DS he will say the same and if he keeps quiet well nothings really changed.

Ok, but you're putting a plaster on a much bigger problem. Are you happy being married to a homophobe?

ipredictariot5 · 25/01/2025 23:56

going to put an alternative point of view and say you are going to have to understand where your DH is coming from here and do it fast. Or find a therapist who can do it fast. I have 2 gay sons and it does require a rethink about how you assumed life would unfold if like me and my DH of eldest DS getting girlfriend etc. it is important
to find out what your DH is worried about? Discrimination? More challenges ? Or some
deep rooted feelings of being bit ashamed? Feeling he will be judged in some way? Worrying about other family member reactions or a lack of knowledge?. My DH summed it up by saying he is following a path I don’t understand and I worry about my ability to support him in challenges he will come across. It is really important that there is a forum for your DH to discuss this so he can be the best possible parent he can be. Obviously
you must protect your son from these conversations but he is your DS dad and he may be a homophobe with views you don’t agree with and you may need to accept he cannot be a good parent to your DS. Our other son came out about 8 years later and we smashed it as parents in support and love having learnt a few
lessons from DS 1 ( who we have a great relationship with and he frequently reminds us of where we said some stupid things which I look back on as coming both from ignorance and love )

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 25/01/2025 23:58

Why would you stay married to a homophobe?

Noodlehen · 25/01/2025 23:59

Your poor son.

you are also doing him a disservice by just ignoring the problem.

itsjustbiology · 26/01/2025 00:00

Op thank you for the update. I cannot imagine how you dumped all that on your son. That poor boy. OMG ..this isnt an open honest loving family when it operates in lies and with so much so important being unsaid. I wept,actually wept when I read the conclusion to your post. Is this really the best that can be done to support your son to grow and mature? If it is the best outcome then I am sorry but it is woeful.Your son,daughter,you dh should be celebrating a healthy open family unit based on love,honesty and respect for each other as a unit. What a sham and for all the wrong reasons.

BeaAndBen · 26/01/2025 00:00

Your husband is a caveman and your son deserves better.

AshCrapp · 26/01/2025 00:01

How can you be happy married to a homophobe,. especially when you have a gay son?

ipredictariot5 · 26/01/2025 00:02

morganjoan · 25/01/2025 23:53

i've just had a discussion with my son about his reasons for not telling his dad and he says he knows he will be disappointed in him because dads hate having gay sons, so I asked where he got this info from and he said it is common knowledge that very few dads are happy with it and 3 of his friends who are gay have had issues with their dads and his female gay friend it was her mum who had the issue.

He says he will never forget the day that DH took him to football classes and he told him he didn't like it - he was 6 and he says this is when he knew his dad didn't like him. He said to him "but why XXX all little boys want to be footballers" he said from this day on he has never made an effort to like him. DH has tried but always with boysih things - buying him a bike, taking him stock car racing but looking back now probably never asked my son what he would like to do- and in all honesty I don't think that was purposeful it was just what dads do with their sons.

The signs are so obvious so son is going to keep being himself and the penny will have to drop and if DH asks me I am just going to say yeah he is did you not know? if he asks DS he will say the same and if he keeps quiet well nothings really changed.

I think my eldest son would empathise with some of this and your DH needs to be able to air these views with a therapist - if MH problems he may already have feelings of guilt/anger/poor self esteem and attributing some of it to your DS
good luck it can work out fine it has for us - we are a happy solid family ( and our DD is
also gay) best wishes

Praying4Peace · 26/01/2025 00:02

Hi, for OPs husband, their son coming out is going to be an issue. My post was in reference to OPs husband's perception of what he will find difficult to deal with. It wasn't a reflection of my views on sexuality and I apologize if you felt that was inferred.
Wishing the best for OPs son

FoxInTheForest · 26/01/2025 00:03

Would it be best to be honest to an extent with your partner?
Say "I think he might be, you need to make sure you adjust to the idea so that if he tells you he is then you react in an appropriate way"
Have a conversation about how if he is then it doesn't change anything DH knowing, he's the same person, but DHs negative reaction could really damage their relationship as well as DSs self image.
I definitely wouldn't let DS tell him with no prior preparation or conversations to ensure DH reacts supportively.

PinkArt · 26/01/2025 00:05

Your poor kid. Please, please reread your most recent post because it's heartbreaking. He has known since he was six that his dad doesn't love him?! And you heard that and it hasn't changed anything for you?

Original poster
morganjoan · 26/01/2025 00:07

I will definitely think about leaving him if he doesn't leave first but I have 2 other children to think about and I don't want to be the cause of the family break up as my daughters idolise their dad and they would probably choose to stay with him anyway. If we break up I know I will lose one daughter and the other would probably choose to stay with her dad too, but that is me being selfish because I want us all together. Its a bit like saying if we split up I will save my son from his dad but lose my other children.

OP posts:
UnicornWorld · 26/01/2025 00:09

morganjoan · 26/01/2025 00:07

I will definitely think about leaving him if he doesn't leave first but I have 2 other children to think about and I don't want to be the cause of the family break up as my daughters idolise their dad and they would probably choose to stay with him anyway. If we break up I know I will lose one daughter and the other would probably choose to stay with her dad too, but that is me being selfish because I want us all together. Its a bit like saying if we split up I will save my son from his dad but lose my other children.

He's done some number on uou

Please leave your abusive husband

ManchesterLu · 26/01/2025 00:09

"Sorry DH but you have to deal with it because he's our son and we love him. If you can't deal with it, you can't be a part of his life."

Edenmum2 · 26/01/2025 00:09

morganjoan · 26/01/2025 00:07

I will definitely think about leaving him if he doesn't leave first but I have 2 other children to think about and I don't want to be the cause of the family break up as my daughters idolise their dad and they would probably choose to stay with him anyway. If we break up I know I will lose one daughter and the other would probably choose to stay with her dad too, but that is me being selfish because I want us all together. Its a bit like saying if we split up I will save my son from his dad but lose my other children.

Do your daughters know that he is homophobic?

Original poster
morganjoan · 26/01/2025 00:11

PinkArt · 26/01/2025 00:05

Your poor kid. Please, please reread your most recent post because it's heartbreaking. He has known since he was six that his dad doesn't love him?! And you heard that and it hasn't changed anything for you?

He only told me that tonight about the football - I had no idea if I had things would have been very different now and I would not have been with DH.

OP posts:
Anon501178 · 26/01/2025 00:11

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/01/2025 22:19

Some of these responses are pretty unsupportive OP. I'm in a not entirely dissimilar situation - or more accurately, I will be in a few years. My DS is almost certainly gay but at 11, I'm not completely sure he realizes it himself (not completely anyway).

My DH comes from a very traditional, old fashioned kind of family and he'll definitely struggle with this. I already know in my heart that if he can't accept our DS and allow him to be his own person, I'll leave him. But it won't be as easy as some of these posters think. My DH is a good man, a kind and decent man. But his only son being gay will be hard for him. Especially if (as I suspect will be the case) our son chooses make-up and fashion as his "thing".

I don't have any words of wisdom OP but I hear you. I think all we can do is put our children first.

This is the thing.... everyone is jumping on OP's DH being homophonic, but just cause he has said he would 'struggle with his son coming out' doesn't necessarily mean that he is homophobic or won't accept or love his son still.
I am in my mid 30s and have grown to develop an acceptance of those who are gay, because in the 90s and early 2000s it was not accepted, instead seen as a negative thing that was often hidden (which of course was wrong).I remember boys at school using it as an insult. Add to that my dad was a devout roman catholic religious so sadly that kind of thing was a taboo subject in my home.

What I'm trying to say, is many people who have teenage/young adult age children are still of a generation when being gay was not readily accepted or so openly spoken about, so ultimately that means that for some (particularly dads I suspect) those ingrained stereotypes and uncomfortable feelings around the topic can be hard to move away from.

That's not to say he should show any of that to his son though.....i think he does need to be supportive and accepting from the start, even if it's hard for him to do so.

IMO, the issue for OP would come if DH was speaking negatively of gay people, reacting negatively to his son if he came out (eg: telling/showing him he thought it was a problem) or not accepting it.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 26/01/2025 00:12

morganjoan · 26/01/2025 00:07

I will definitely think about leaving him if he doesn't leave first but I have 2 other children to think about and I don't want to be the cause of the family break up as my daughters idolise their dad and they would probably choose to stay with him anyway. If we break up I know I will lose one daughter and the other would probably choose to stay with her dad too, but that is me being selfish because I want us all together. Its a bit like saying if we split up I will save my son from his dad but lose my other children.

You're teaching your daughters its ok to dismiss hateful attitudes because you are tolerating it.

You aren't giving them the opportunity to develop critical thinking about why you no longer tolerate it because you are still tolerating it.

You wouldn't be the reason for the family splitting up. He would be.

Greyish2025 · 26/01/2025 00:13

morganjoan · 26/01/2025 00:11

He only told me that tonight about the football - I had no idea if I had things would have been very different now and I would not have been with DH.

Show quote history

I really don’t think the football comment was that bad,

In a way, I think you want to leave your husband anyway and this is just one reason for it

UnicornWorld · 26/01/2025 00:14

Greyish2025 · 26/01/2025 00:13

I really don’t think the football comment was that bad,

In a way, I think you want to leave your husband anyway and this is just one reason for it

Show quote history

Are you for real

UnicornWorld · 26/01/2025 00:15

Anon501178 · 26/01/2025 00:11

This is the thing.... everyone is jumping on OP's DH being homophonic, but just cause he has said he would 'struggle with his son coming out' doesn't necessarily mean that he is homophobic or won't accept or love his son still.
I am in my mid 30s and have grown to develop an acceptance of those who are gay, because in the 90s and early 2000s it was not accepted, instead seen as a negative thing that was often hidden (which of course was wrong).I remember boys at school using it as an insult. Add to that my dad was a devout roman catholic religious so sadly that kind of thing was a taboo subject in my home.

What I'm trying to say, is many people who have teenage/young adult age children are still of a generation when being gay was not readily accepted or so openly spoken about, so ultimately that means that for some (particularly dads I suspect) those ingrained stereotypes and uncomfortable feelings around the topic can be hard to move away from.

That's not to say he should show any of that to his son though.....i think he does need to be supportive and accepting from the start, even if it's hard for him to do so.

IMO, the issue for OP would come if DH was speaking negatively of gay people, reacting negatively to his son if he came out (eg: telling/showing him he thought it was a problem) or not accepting it.

Show quote history

It doesn't matter if it wasn't accepted previously. It's homophobia. No excuse.

heyhopotato · 26/01/2025 00:16

Anon501178 · 26/01/2025 00:11

This is the thing.... everyone is jumping on OP's DH being homophonic, but just cause he has said he would 'struggle with his son coming out' doesn't necessarily mean that he is homophobic or won't accept or love his son still.
I am in my mid 30s and have grown to develop an acceptance of those who are gay, because in the 90s and early 2000s it was not accepted, instead seen as a negative thing that was often hidden (which of course was wrong).I remember boys at school using it as an insult. Add to that my dad was a devout roman catholic religious so sadly that kind of thing was a taboo subject in my home.

What I'm trying to say, is many people who have teenage/young adult age children are still of a generation when being gay was not readily accepted or so openly spoken about, so ultimately that means that for some (particularly dads I suspect) those ingrained stereotypes and uncomfortable feelings around the topic can be hard to move away from.

That's not to say he should show any of that to his son though.....i think he does need to be supportive and accepting from the start, even if it's hard for him to do so.

IMO, the issue for OP would come if DH was speaking negatively of gay people, reacting negatively to his son if he came out (eg: telling/showing him he thought it was a problem) or not accepting it.

Show quote history

I'm late 30s and although "gay" was sometimes used as a mild insult at school I would say that there was broad acceptance of being gay and it was openly spoken about. It was also represented in the media, there were lesbian and gay relationships in soap operas, gay clubs, gay icons, drag was huge. I think being trans was the "new" thing.