Page 2 | DH is going to struggle when son comes out gay

Lovelyview · 25/01/2025 22:05

Can your husband discuss his feelings with a counsellor? They may be able to help him define why he feels he 'can't cope' with it and to help him deal with it in a way that won't hurt your son.

Needaholiday21 · 25/01/2025 22:05

Your son is very young, he is scared of your husbands reaction and possible fall out of being honest about his sexuality. As a gay man myself id recommend that you ask your son if he would like you to tell his dad for him. Show your son strength and understanding that this is not some dirty secret and you are not ashamed of him.

If your son agrees tell your husband then explain to him that he if he can't 'deal with this' then to move out. Your sons mental health needs putting first here, I've known too many young men and woman take dark paths where their parents were unable to handle this situation with unconditional love.

girljulian · 25/01/2025 22:07

Lots of people saying “ltb” “bloody hell” etc as if this isn’t still common. Of course some people are still homophobic. It’s horrible but it’s true.

I never came out to my parents because I knew my mother was incredibly homophobic. It was obvious I was in a relationship with a woman in my twenties, though, and eventually she came round. Just saw we were perfectly normal and got over it. Sometimes exposure therapy is the only way.

modernshmodern · 25/01/2025 22:09

You say "he probably is and I will be 100% supporting him. If you can't do that I will be choosing my son over you"

Endofyear · 25/01/2025 22:11

Can you start a conversation with your husband about why he would find it so difficult to accept if your son were to come out as gay? That way you are able to discuss what his reaction would be without actually outing your son. I would want to know why, in this day and age, he has a problem with anyone being gay!

I'm afraid if it comes down to a choice between your son and a homophobic husband you really need to support your son. Mental health issues are not an excuse for homophobia.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 25/01/2025 22:11

Next time DH asks you, perhaps your response should be, “Why are you asking me, instead of him” or “What do you think it says about your and DS’s relationship that you are asking me this?”

soupyspoon · 25/01/2025 22:13

People arent cast in stone, they can change and learn

What is your husband worried about, what does he mean he wont be able to handle it. Is he worried for your son, is he worried about your son being targetted and victim of prejudice or is he actually prejudiced and if so why and from what?

Is it a religious thing, is it something he was brough up with?

So many things to try and unpick but it will be better for his own health and emotions if he is able to explore within hmself what the problem is, understand its not even a problem and continue to love his son.

Lots of work to be done.

The fact that he keeps asking shows he knows his son is gay, I dont know why you've lied about it to be honest

HawkinsTigers · 25/01/2025 22:14

On the off chance that this is true.

You say to your husband ‘yes, DS is gay and as his parents we support him 100% with that or you go elsewhere to work through it on your own’.

Mental health problems are not a get out of jail free card for bigotry and manipulation and your priority needs to be your son.

Do not make your son feel responsible for the fact that your husband is behaving like a dick.

InWithThePlums · 25/01/2025 22:18

girljulian · 25/01/2025 22:07

Lots of people saying “ltb” “bloody hell” etc as if this isn’t still common. Of course some people are still homophobic. It’s horrible but it’s true.

I never came out to my parents because I knew my mother was incredibly homophobic. It was obvious I was in a relationship with a woman in my twenties, though, and eventually she came round. Just saw we were perfectly normal and got over it. Sometimes exposure therapy is the only way.

Honestly I don’t think I could be with a man who couldn’t cope with his son being gay. I suspect a lot of men might feel like that quietly, but know that it is too illogical to vocalise, and I think that is a bit different. OPs partner seems to have no issue in declaring himself a homophobe.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/01/2025 22:19

Some of these responses are pretty unsupportive OP. I'm in a not entirely dissimilar situation - or more accurately, I will be in a few years. My DS is almost certainly gay but at 11, I'm not completely sure he realizes it himself (not completely anyway).

My DH comes from a very traditional, old fashioned kind of family and he'll definitely struggle with this. I already know in my heart that if he can't accept our DS and allow him to be his own person, I'll leave him. But it won't be as easy as some of these posters think. My DH is a good man, a kind and decent man. But his only son being gay will be hard for him. Especially if (as I suspect will be the case) our son chooses make-up and fashion as his "thing".

I don't have any words of wisdom OP but I hear you. I think all we can do is put our children first.

Beamur · 25/01/2025 22:19

if your son agrees tell your husband then explain to him that he if he can't 'deal with this' then to move out. Your sons mental health needs putting first here, I've known too many young men and woman take dark paths where their parents were unable to handle this situation with unconditional love
I am kinda with this approach. Support your son. I wouldn't want to be married to a homophobe. Give your DH the opportunity to explain his thoughts but fragile mental health is not a pass card here.

UnicornWorld · 25/01/2025 22:19

Why are you allowing your child to feel responsible for their fathers health?

Eleanor6 · 25/01/2025 22:22

My ds came out to me first when he was 18, he had mental health worries prior to this and to be honest compared to other concerns I was so relieved. I had the chance to talk to dh before he came out and dh was great, if he had a problem the we would have been gone.

This is too important for any immaturity on your dh’s behalf. He needs to get over himself, it’s not about him.

GoldGuide · 25/01/2025 22:23

Without being harsh, this is how you lose your poor son.

Don't be passive over this. You'll regret it in the future when your son distances himself.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 25/01/2025 22:24

What exactly does he think he'll have to deal with?

HawkinsTigers · 25/01/2025 22:25

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/01/2025 22:19

Some of these responses are pretty unsupportive OP. I'm in a not entirely dissimilar situation - or more accurately, I will be in a few years. My DS is almost certainly gay but at 11, I'm not completely sure he realizes it himself (not completely anyway).

My DH comes from a very traditional, old fashioned kind of family and he'll definitely struggle with this. I already know in my heart that if he can't accept our DS and allow him to be his own person, I'll leave him. But it won't be as easy as some of these posters think. My DH is a good man, a kind and decent man. But his only son being gay will be hard for him. Especially if (as I suspect will be the case) our son chooses make-up and fashion as his "thing".

I don't have any words of wisdom OP but I hear you. I think all we can do is put our children first.

Your DH is neither kind nor decent if he’s homophobic and allows this to impact on his son.

Getting this wrong leads young people to a very dark place which is hard to get out of, your husband needs to get a grip and pull his head out of his own arse.

Codlingmoths · 25/01/2025 22:27

I’d be a bit snappy with my dh!! What you said the other day about you’d find it hard to deal if ds was gay- I’m not ok with that. You need to remember you’re a parent. If ds did tell us he was gay this is about HIM not you and you need to remember that. I know your mental health is struggling but you cannot make everything about you when you have children to think of. I’d be very disappointed and angry if you can’t take this on board.

Onekidnoclue · 25/01/2025 22:28

Totally agree with PP. Your husbands bigotry isn’t a mental health crisis that need support. Your son’s rejection by his father is a reason to provide support. Choose well. X

UnicornWorld · 25/01/2025 22:31

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/01/2025 22:19

Some of these responses are pretty unsupportive OP. I'm in a not entirely dissimilar situation - or more accurately, I will be in a few years. My DS is almost certainly gay but at 11, I'm not completely sure he realizes it himself (not completely anyway).

My DH comes from a very traditional, old fashioned kind of family and he'll definitely struggle with this. I already know in my heart that if he can't accept our DS and allow him to be his own person, I'll leave him. But it won't be as easy as some of these posters think. My DH is a good man, a kind and decent man. But his only son being gay will be hard for him. Especially if (as I suspect will be the case) our son chooses make-up and fashion as his "thing".

I don't have any words of wisdom OP but I hear you. I think all we can do is put our children first.

That is not the trademarks of a kind man.

Greyish2025 · 25/01/2025 22:33

morganjoan · 25/01/2025 21:31

My 16 yr old has been "out" to his friends for a while now but he doesn't want his dad to know. It is very obvious that he is gay and has been obvious for a while. It is getting very difficult for him to hide it now and DH has asked me if he is gay? It isn't my place to say so I just keep saying I don't know.

DH struggles with his mental health and hasn't been sleeping great of late and he says he is worried that DS is gay and he has just told me that if DS is gay he is going to find it very hard to deal with. Not sure where to go with this or really what to say?? I think DS is worried if he does tell him then it will start off a mental health crisis for his dad. So should he tell him or just keep quiet? Whichever option - DH's mental health will be compromised.

We both have a gay cousin and he said many years ago when the children were small that if either of our kids came out gay he wouldn't be able to deal with it.

It seems very clear that your husband already knows that his son is gay

What aspects would he struggle with, embarrassment /shame?

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/01/2025 22:33

@HawkinsTigers my DH isn't homophobic and I take exception to your assumptions here. Our older DD is also gay and we have several married gay couples in our family/close friends circle. I said he would STRUGGLE and FIND IT DIFFICULT when/if his only son comes out.

Please don't take it upon yourself to advise me on my child's mental health - I'm all over that. I have clearly said that I will leave him IF (if, not when) he can't let our DS be who he is.

Viviennemary · 25/01/2025 22:35

It's hard but he will just have to deal with it. It's not really a matter of choice, he needs to step up and be a man unless he wants to lose his son.

Greyish2025 · 25/01/2025 22:36

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/01/2025 22:19

Some of these responses are pretty unsupportive OP. I'm in a not entirely dissimilar situation - or more accurately, I will be in a few years. My DS is almost certainly gay but at 11, I'm not completely sure he realizes it himself (not completely anyway).

My DH comes from a very traditional, old fashioned kind of family and he'll definitely struggle with this. I already know in my heart that if he can't accept our DS and allow him to be his own person, I'll leave him. But it won't be as easy as some of these posters think. My DH is a good man, a kind and decent man. But his only son being gay will be hard for him. Especially if (as I suspect will be the case) our son chooses make-up and fashion as his "thing".

I don't have any words of wisdom OP but I hear you. I think all we can do is put our children first.

If it’s clear to you that your son is gay, it is probably just as clear to your husband, why wouldn’t it be?
How does your husband currently treat your son?

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/01/2025 22:36

@UnicornWorld I think you mean "hallmark" (singular). As far as I'm aware, the kind men haven't registered a "trademark" for themselves (yet).

rwalker · 25/01/2025 22:38

He already knows
what’s his worries is he anti gay or does he worry if he is his DS life will be harder than if he wasn’t